Meet Zest and Zeal: My Life Coaches

I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you Chipmunks about my two new [guilty pleasure] life coaches, Zest and Zeal. UNTIL NOW! Boo-ya:

Meet Zest. She's obsessed with her own reflection. (So is Uncle Jesse.)

This is Zeal. He's trying to help me measure the living room for the proper-sized couch, and keeps shouting "NUTS!" every time the measuring tape snaps back on his paws.

They were a Christmas gift from Babs (Mommasita Extraordinaire), and they’re teaching me how to live in the moment and embrace each glass of champagne breath.

Before I go much further, though, I’d like to share with you a scene from this past Christmas Eve, where my father, a Princeton graduate, Doctor of Education and well-respected man about town Dancing with the Stars-watcher, suddenly shouted down the hall to me:

“WHY DO YOU LIKE CHIPMUNKS SO MUCH?”

I could tell immediately that my brother had asked him the question, though that was as much as I could glean.

“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” I shouted back immediately. Duh.

“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” my father repeated verbatim to my brother, who was not within my line of sight.

…I love my family.

Anyhoo. Zest and Zeal have been busy these past few weeks. Their first order of business, naturally, was to size up this ‘Second Husband‘ they kept hearing so much about:

They unanimously approved.

Their next order of business was to inspect my chocolate stash:

They weren't convinced it was sufficient until they saw the '1-pound' designation.

Then Zest and Zeal decided to take me shopping. I thought they were going to show me the Self Help section of Barnes and Noble, but they had other ideas…

They suggested I start decorating with pieces I could actually use in "day-to-day life."

Holding the massive utensils, the doubt settled in; I began to question their credibility. Not long after the Flatware Fiasco, I got home late one night and stumbled upon this scene:

How cliché.

I gave them a lecture about how I can’t afford a new ceiling fan, but just last night, I returned home to find…

Not my champagne. Anything but the champagne.

I also suspect they’re stealing slap bracelets. And here I thought you could always count on chipmunks.

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten??

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42 responses to “Meet Zest and Zeal: My Life Coaches

  1. Maybe you should consider taking the chipmunks on a little “field trip” then leave them in a cardboard box on the side of the road and run away, much like what happened to Jesse in Toy Story 2. (I am so mean!) But really, they drank your vodka!

    I love the pound of pb cups. A dream come true for me!

    And the giant fork and spoon–my mom had these huge wooden ones that hung in the kitchen on the wall. My brother used to chase me around the house with the fork. Ah, memories…

  2. I had some chipmunks once, but they got to be too much trouble and expense (mine liked beer and Fig Newtons), so my parents found a nice farm family to take them. It’s important to let chipmunks run free and not confine them indoors. Or so I was told.

  3. HA. I have always wondered about the fascination with Chipmunks. What is your stance on the Chippendales and of course Chip and Dale?

  4. See, this is why any time my wife says, “Oh, look, chipmunks!” I hide the booze.

  5. Those munks are what Theo, Alvin and Simon grew up to be.

  6. I think this post has inspired me to explain my love of glitter!

  7. The high-pitched, fast-talking always creeps me out. Maybe you should try those metal traps with the snapping jaws by the liquor cabinet …. hey, I’m just kidding, don’t get all freaky about my twisted sense of humor! :) I learned it from D-Woww by reading her Maineiac blog, what can I say. I was never like this before blogging! *he’s hauled away in shackles for perjury*

    • Now wait just a minute here, MJ. All I suggested was to kindly set the little buggers free to live on a farm somewhere. I never suggested any violence to any sweet furry chipmunks in my entire life. ;)

  8. We love our real little chipmunks who come to the bird feeders. Stewart though is bloodthirsty (and quick) – so sometimes a little funeral is in order.

    • I’ve always wondered what Uncle Jesse would do if he ever caught a squirrel. We rarely see chipmunks, which is part of why I love them so much. Maybe I need a bird feeder!! But then I’d never get anything done.

  9. I hate to break it to you, but in addition to being drunken degenerates, it looks like one of them is really a skunk.

    Is that the same monster Reese’s you talked about weeks ago? How long has that one-pound chocolate dream been hanging around your house? I’d have gotten jiggy with it right quick.

    • LOL! Zeal looks a lot like a squirrel, but when I mentioned that, he said some pretty nasty things about me in return. (He tossed around the word “gremlin” like it was nothing, for starters.)

      I was waiting for someone to ask about that!! Can you believe I haven’t touched the p.b. cups? Maybe I AM a hoarder. No, wait. A chocolate curator?

  10. Tragic, what can happen to unsupervised chipmunks.

  11. That’s way more units of alcohol than a chipmunk should consume in a day. I’ll have to check the FDA recommendations but I would assume it’s less than 1% of that amount.

  12. WHOA. Those are some pretty impressive utensils!

  13. Handcuffs. Hmmm… Funky little chipmunkies.

  14. I love you so much at this exact moment. Can you please share the key to your awesomeness, such as by loaning out your life coaches? Pretty please?

    • Hugs!!! I actually thought about doing that, but other people are rocking that idea so hard (like Leanne Shirtliffe with Things 1 & 2) that I figured I should let the pros keep at it? I could open up a Life Coach suggestion box, though, LOL, and take pictures/videos of the chipmunks carrying out people’s ideas… Hmmm…

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  17. OH MY GOSH!!! I have a triplet to Zest and Zeal! His name is Mr. Chipmunk! You are the only other chipmunk enthusiast I’ve known about, and you’ve just blown my mind. If you haven’t read Elizabeth Taylor’s book “Nibbles and Me,” it’s a must. It’s all about her growing up with a little tiny chipmunk she found. Spectacular.

    • *gasp* At last!!!! We’ve found each other!! LOL! You, too, are blowing my mind. This is amazing. I had no idea about Elizabeth Taylor…

      And I ALSO love golden retrievers (that’s ultimately how my dog was named after a “Full House” character…because I always wanted a golden named “Comet”!) and bad puns.

      P.S. – Please tell me there are pictures of Mr. Chipmunk?!

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  19. I recently bought a chipmunk kachina doll for my Mom on my trip to Monument Valley. She did some research and found that the chipmunk is indeed her spirit animal and it sounds like it could be yours, too. Check it out: http://climbhigh.blogspot.com/search?q=chipmunk

    • Wow, Rachel! I tried to comment over there but had a little trouble. That is stranger than you can even know. I just started, once again, doing these ‘unblocking’ exercises (using the book “The Artist’s Way,” which has worked wonders for me in the past, even though I’m also not a religious person), and so everything about that post took me aback! (Just the “coincidence” alone that you would leave this comment right now!) What’s funny is that my chipmunk fascination comes in part from their elusiveness – I hardly EVER see them, and they usually run away. I’ve seen more in the past month or two than ever before, though, which I can only take as a good sign ;)

      Thank you so much for sharing this – truly!

      • Holy Chipmunk! Talk about coincidences… I’m on week 7 of the Artist’s Way workbook which double dog coincidentally is entitled “Recovering a Sense of Connection”… I think it’s good juju that we connected :)

        • Holy. Shiz. Okay. You just gave me chills. We must talk. Please feel free to email me ANY time (Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com). And know that that invite stands regardless of this particular “synchronicity”!

          And, um, may I submit as further evidence, another nickname of mine is JuJu. LOL

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