Misfortune Cookies

I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…

Avoid compulsively making things worse.

I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.

The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:

You are the controller of your destiny.

…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?

But then this fortune happened:

Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.

Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.

I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:

You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.

All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?

Someone help me. Please.

So. Who’s out to get you?

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775 responses to “Misfortune Cookies

  1. These are even better if you add “in bed” to the end. Or if you wanna keep it clean(ish?) “in the bathtub.” Very funny, thank you! (^_^)

  2. o that is wonderful! :D very funny!

  3. I haven’t laughed this hard in days, maybe weeks.

  4. I hope you are ready to have the anxiety relieved because here it comes. One word, the word “all” is the all important part of that fortune. Think of it like who alive could make all of them themselves. Ahh! Relief :)

    • LOL Thanks, phoenixisee! Some folks said it was supposed to read, “You can’t possibly long enough to make all of the MISTAKES yourself.”

      Either way, I’m still not sure I can sleep at night… ;)

  5. This is hilarious! Awesome, awesome, awesome!

  6. myfriendmissmiller

    Hahaha, this made me laugh out loud for a few reasons: 1) I save EVERY awesome fortune cookie that ever comes my way. I keep them in my wallet and read them from time to time… I pride myself on having amazing fortunes (as if I had something to do with it), and 2) I have heard of this happening often. I must be getting all of the good ones. Once, my friend’s fortune said: “Don’t you hate it when you open a fortune and all you find is THIS?” Seriously. I would go back to the store where it came from and demand cookies until I got one right, lol!

    • Thank you SO much! I save some of mine, too, and I’d love to hear about more of yours! That one your friend got is incredible! These cookie elves are quite cheeky. And I like it.

  7. Once I opened a fortune cookie and the fortune was blank.It was good thing I’m not superstitious. Excuse me while I check my apartment again for anything that can cause an accident.

  8. This is such a funny post. I love it!

  9. Reblogged this on interesting12 and commented:
    oh wow. I love fortune cookie fortunes (maybe because I tend to get awesome ones. –yep I have a little collections of the best!) but these MISFORTUNE COOKIES take the cake!!! so hilarious. I would soooo go to this place just to get these! HA!

  10. Absolutely hilarious! Please don’t tell me that you printed them yourself.

  11. really funny….lol thank u:)

  12. Hilarious! Loved the last one!!!! :D But how much did you have to eat to get so many cookies?? :)

  13. I love your post for both the funny view on fortune cookies as well as the humorous photos. Well done! And congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

    • Thank you so much, Eagle-Eyed Editor! I hope your eagle eyes didn’t catch any mistakes in this post. Except for, you know, in the fortunes themselves. ;)

  14. Your expressions are just priceless. :D I love the third fortune.

  15. I have a love/hate relationship with fortune cookies… love the cookie, hate the lottery advice. I wonder if the numbers they suggest are meant to work on the Hong Kong Golden Dragon Lottery or something because they certainly don’t work here!

    Congrats on the FreshlyPressed status!

    • Thank you so much!

      Maybe we can swap – if you’ll eat the cookies, I’ll face the fortunes. But I think when it comes to ACTUAL fortune, we’re both outta luck!

      • Did you ever notice that people sometimes beat you to the punch when it comes to blog topics? I have a major wok that requires more heat than can be generated indoors so I was going to do a series of posts on wok food including home-made fortune cookies. I’ve started preparing but the post won’t be up for probably months. Please don’t think I was poached your cookie idea if the post ever gets off the ground!

        • Not at all! I can’t wait to read it! Someone actually told me there’s a company that makes ‘misfortune cookies,’ LOL, so I can only imagine how this post looks to them!

  16. Isn’t it the truth? Those darn messages, cryptic in design, flow through our days and nights with supposed wisdom. I think it is the conversations of a bunch of old ladies in a back room somewhere just cut up into sentences and placed into the cookies. Good luck and avoid the cookies on your birthday!
    Peach State

  17. Thanks for the laughs, just the think I needed to start my day! Now I know where MSG comes from!

  18. lol, i like your sence of humor but i guess if you build it he will come, so thats what they say right? But hey there nothing like leaving a foot print on this world before you go cause life is just that short and playing the time
    card just doesnt work out for all of us -,o

    http://wp.me/2aAA8

  19. Reblogged this on blackishstari and commented:
    My first laugh of the day.

  20. Thanks for the giggle :) I especially love when fortunes are misspelled – makes them all the more funny!

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  21. Reblogged this on TeacherWriter and commented:
    It’s Friday the 13th, and I’m thinking how lucky the number thirteen can be. I’m blogging at Honey Creek Books about how lucky (or not) it was for Sarah Winchester of the Winchester Mystery House.
    Over at Go Guilty Pleasures, it’s not the lucky (or not) number thirteen she has to worry about. It’s those fortune cookies, perhaps better called Misfortune Cookies. Ack!

  22. You’re hilarious. Love the facial expressions!

  23. Very fun post! The addition of “in bed” to the fortune cookie always gets a giggle from the wife and I in the chinese restaraunt.

    • Thanks, Terry! :) Someone just told me you could also add “in the bathtub” for a more G-rated experience, and that is really making me giggle. Somehow, it’s not as G-rated as intended, I don’t think…

  24. Fun Post I have to say I really don’t belive in these fortune cookies!

  25. you made my day!

  26. Reblogged this on Celtichippie’s Blog and commented:
    Yup, evil evil little elves making these cookies.

  27. Yeah, those manipulative goblins keep on making these things.

  28. Love this! Happy to be home and actually tell you!

    • squeeee Thanks, Renee! I’m glad you had so much to tell me when you got home. Like what you did last summer, I mean, in your backyard all the time. IYKWIM.

  29. I just laughed so hard! What is UP with those “fortunes” ?!

  30. Fortune cookies are an American thing. I’ve been to China 9 or 10 times since 1999 and been to many different cities and never seen a fortune cookie there.

    According to http://www.infoplease.com/spot/fortunecookies.html, the fortune cookie was born in California and might not even be linked to a Chinese-American but to a Japanese-American.

    So, if it is an American thing, who comes up with these fortunes? The last one I opened, I rejected and would have nothing to do with it.

    In fact, another tidbit, most of the wooden chopsticks used in China and Japan, etc., are manufactured in the United States in the state of Georgia. Jae Lee, a U.S. citizen, the owner of the company, is an immigrant from South Korea.

    CNN Money.com says “Lee said that none of his chopsticks are purchased or used domestically; 100% of what he manufactures is exported.”

    http://money.cnn.com/2011/12/02/smallbusiness/georgia_chopsticks/index.htm

  31. The other day, my dad and sister got Chinese together. Dad’s fortune cookie said “Behind every good man there are.”
    My sister called me at college to tell me and said, “There are what? How am I supposed to find a good man when I don’t know what’s supposed to be behind him?” My best guess was punctuation marks, seeing as that was the only thing after “are.” Or maybe periods, but that could be taken wrongly, I think. ;)

    • Ha! Heidi, that’s hilarious! I really do think the most disturbing fortunes are the ones with key words missing (like my last one here – apparently the word ‘mistake’ was missing, which is too ironic to even talk about, heh ;))!

  32. Omg. Hilariousss! You have absolutely inspired me to make some Misfortune Cookies for unsuspecting victims…

  33. Ha! I read this during class, and it was so hard not to burst out laughing, especially that third one. Where did you get these fortune cookies? I’ve never received a fortune so awesome! And I’ve been to many a Chinese food place.

    • Tee hee That is so fantastic. I love picturing you in class trying not to laugh – what a compliment! Thanks!

      I got all of these fortunes from a single order (the Hub and I always order extra for leftovers), at an overpriced place in western NJ where we’ve gotten take-out a few times in the past. This was definitely our most memorable order ever, LOL!

  34. Oh my goodness, the last one was priceless. I always thought of doing some ridiculous ones and making (mis)fortune cookies myself, but now I’m thinking of just waiting for those ‘good’ ones to fall into my hands haha. Hilarious reading! :)

  35. nerdshirtsandcardigans

    Best one I ever got – and still have because it was too good not to save – said “you should get new clothes”. Am sure that’s some proverb from days of yore, uh huh.

  36. colorsiveneverseen

    great post. happy 30th later this month. it’s not as bad as everyone says. :D

  37. Hey! My little cousins worked REALLY hard to write on those tiny strips of paper. Do you know how hard it is to hold a pen and English 101, while sweatin your ass off for 10 hrs?!?!?! ;) Juuuust kidding! they make shoes not fortunes.

  38. OMG this is so funny!!!!

  39. Pingback: The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Nude Maid Service « Author Piper Bayard

  40. I think it’s funny when you open one up and there is NO fortune! EEeeeeek!

  41. Try getting one that’s just blank. BLANK. I was so sure that meant it was my time to die … happily, I lived.

  42. You’re a crack up! Love it! Stupid fortune cookies!

  43. This is brilliant!

  44. I wonder about the people who write them… where do they dream some of it up.

  45. Try getting one that’s just blank. BLANK. I was so sure that meant it was my time to die … happily, I lived.

  46. How apt! I’ve just written a post about what being 30 means to me. Really love the cookies… lol

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