Misfortune Cookies

I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…

Avoid compulsively making things worse.

I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.

The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:

You are the controller of your destiny.

…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?

But then this fortune happened:

Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.

Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.

I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:

You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.

All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?

Someone help me. Please.

So. Who’s out to get you?

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775 responses to “Misfortune Cookies

  1. Hilarious! Damn those cookies.

  2. I knew I guy who claims to got a fortune from fortune cookie one time that said “bad luck and misfortune will curse your pathetic soul for all eternity”. I am sure it was just a joke.

  3. This is great! Some of those fortunes are just so confusing

  4. I am uncontrollably lolling at work right now!

  5. COngrats on being FPed. Well deserved. I always enjoy your page even though I have not been visiting blogs too much lately.

  6. The last one’s quite creepy! Make ‘em “yourself!” As in someone actually tryin’ to morph other people into one’s own self!!! ‘n silence is a Virtual :)))) that is like a whole new level beyond bad english! Do they import fortune cookies from east asia as well?

  7. Congrats on FP!!

  8. Fortune cookies don’t make sense anymore they are auto generated by a computer programmed by monkey’s who don’t speak english. Does that make sense? Now of course not because I’m a monkey. Monkey.

  9. Reblogged this on I Rez Therefore I Am and commented:
    NEW JERSEY, 9 April – Perhaps few things in this world hold more promise, yet ultimately disappoint more completely, than the banality that is the fortune cookie. Today in a mad panic of starchy-cookie cracking, writer, humor blogger, and guilty pleasure indulger Jules Schnedeker discovers a rare cache of “Misfortune Cookies” that send her on an emotional roller coaster of confidence and clairvoyance.

  10. Well, this was absolutely hilarious.

  11. Loved it. I often wonder who comes up with the stuff they print on these things.

  12. This is the second half of a well-know phrase (one of my favourites, hence why I know it), perhaps the first half was on the other side of the paper. Anyway, the full phrase is “Learn from other people’s mistakes…. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself”. I always find this oddly comforting when I find I have made yet another mistake in life!

    • Bryony, thanks for the explanation! I didn’t know that saying until I got the feedback on this blog post, but the irony of the word ‘mistake’ missing from the fortune is just priceless. (There WERE lottery numbers on the other side…maybe I should play them?)

  13. This post cracked me up! These must have been from the “bag of horrible fortune cookies”. Yesterday I opened my fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune! #notagoodsign

  14. LOL i once opened a cookie with a blank paper inside….. to top it off my 4 yr old daughter then blurted out…. ” mommy how did they know you have no life? i tolds you they were real…”

  15. Hilarious! I’m always in doubt that people actually write the fortunes…the cookies know too much!

  16. what about a cookie with no fortune inside? could be a bad sign!

  17. No joke! I often get non-fortune cookies. Such as – “You are an individual.” or “Eat your vegetables.” However your telemarketer one is absolutely brill!

    • Eat your vegetables?! Okay, that might officially be the worst so-called fortune ever. I think you should rebel with lots of cheesecake. And booze. Keep me posted. ;)

  18. finally, something worth reading on FP. sick of cute pictures of cats and dogs and kids.

    • Ha! Thanks, Rich! Although I must confess, as a guilty pleasure blogger, there are a LOT of pictures of my dog, Uncle Jesse, and a few animals dressed as other animals on this here blog. …BUT, I try to make up for it with cheeky captions. Thanks so much for reading, and the awesome compliment! :)

  19. Bwaahhahaha, how funny! :D

  20. Oh my gosh! I just laughed through this entire post! Especially the last fortune! Thank you so much for brightening my morning, and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  21. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!! So happy for you!
    And “hahahaha” – Great post!

  22. I once went into debt buying a refrigerator because my fortune cookie said, “Refrigerator” and THAT’S IT. I had been considering buying one anyway, but if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. I think your photos are marvelous btw.

    • Ha! Rachel, that’s fantastic! I think the writers of these fortunes KNOW how much power they have, and now they’re using it for evil.

      Thank you SO much :)

  23. Those are so funny! And yeah, kind of creepy. Love the pictures!

  24. I’m seeing…I’m seeing fortune that doesn’t make sense…vague images of generalized statements…I’m seeing…I’m seeing ambiguity…

    Alright where’s my $50?

  25. Congrats on being FreshlyPressed! The (mis)fortunes are great and I love your expressions in the photos. Thank heaven’s for Bryony’s explanation. Keep up the guilty pleasures. Oh, and I love your “leave a reply” messages.

    • Thank you so much, Dianne! And you’re right – thank goodness for that explanation! I’d never heard it before I got feedback on this post, and the cookie’s making a lot more sense now (although, the irony of the word ‘mistake’ missing is almost as great as the disturbing result).

      I will DEFINITELY keep up the guilty pleasures ;)

  26. Cute, Cute, Cute! Thanks for the comic relief today!

  27. Who’da thought I would have come to a blog site and found something I thought was genuinely funny. You have a fantastic sense of humor. Kudos :).

  28. The cookies are always right. Even if they have random messages printed on paper, baked inside cookies, individually wrapped and sent around the country to the particular Chinese takeaway place you phoned and randomly picked out of a box/carton/barrel by your delivery person as he was heading out the door in his 1990s (or 1980s) Ford Escort.

    • Oh no. Jessica. I am doomed. I haven’t even STARTED making them yet. …What am I supposed to be making?!?!?!

      • They’re coming to take you away, ha-haaa!!
        They’re coming to take you away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
        To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and you’ll be
        happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they’re
        coming to take you away, ha-haaa!!!!!

  29. So funny! I got one once that said, “Made in the USA.”

  30. I got one saying “Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies.”

  31. My absolute worst fortune cookie experience was driving home late from work after stopping for a guilty pleasure, garlic eggplant, eating while driving then struggling to open the cookie which was…empty. Hmm. No future?

    • Oh I know, nothing is more depressing than an empty fortune cookie! (Except maybe when you go for a Thin Mint and find your husband has eaten them all. …Not that I’m speaking from experience here or anything.)

  32. I was once at a business dinner at an upscale Chinese restaurant when I got a fortune that said, “You will soon change your career.” I quit that job about 2 months later. Those fortune cookies can be freakishly clairvoyant.

  33. Wow. I think I would quit opening fortune cookies if I were you…. Funny stuff!

  34. Your fortune cookie says: ….cannot live long enough…..
    Really? Thank you, for sharing.

    • Ha! They so often seem like they’re missing a word (or words). It’s enough to drive a guilty pleasure blogger crazy, I tells ya!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting :)

  35. Reblogged this on Tori and commented:
    Friday the 13th is in the air!

  36. So funny! It just so happens that I am finishing my Panda Express lunch while reading blogs. HA! I thought, as I read your hilarious post – I too have a fortune cookie waiting to be opened… Mine wasn’t as funny as yours, but it read: “You will be a great success – both in business and in social situations!” I’ll take it!

  37. Hahaha so brilliant! Thank you for sharing!
    I never get fortune cookies – we are a family of four and they only ever include three. After reading this I am so pleased I’ve never ventured to open one!! :D

  38. HA! Loved it. Thanks for the laughs. I have a friend who would always “read” hers aloud as, “Help! I’m a prisoner in a Chinese cookie factory!”

  39. LOL! I love your faces in all of these.

  40. girl, I’m turning 29 in 10 days and I’m starting to have those SAME freak out moments. LOVE the post!

    • Thank you so much, fellow Taurus! Do you think us both freaking out cancels the other out, so we can now gracefully accept the inevitable?? …Yeah, I know. It’s not working for me either. ;)

  41. Love your blog! I happen to start witching fortune cookies every time I go out with my boyfriend for Chinese food because he believes that the ones he grabs for himself every time really applies to me. So I grab one and then I switch my fortune with him. lol

  42. HAHA! Love this post, will definitely read more posts from you.

    Did you really have the misfortune of getting these, or were they specially ordered? If ordered, I must have them! ha

    • Hi Bobby! Thank you so much!

      I REALLY did get all four of those from the SAME Chinese food order (the hub and I order extra because we love leftovers)! The last one really did make me do that I’m-laughing-but-I’m-really-kinda-freaked-out thing.

  43. Loved it. Very funny. I try not to take any messages that I receive from baked goods too seriously, as a rule !! :-)

    • I could learn a lot from you, rooshkie. Good thing they don’t put fortunes in peanut butter cups…I’d be in therapy right now. ;)

      • ha ha. I was trying to think of any other instances where foodstuffs give you messages… and couldn’t… duh… am I missing something obvious?… Cakes with writing on maybe, but other than that….. Alphabetti Spaghetti perhaps.. but you write your own messages with that… so at least have some control !!!

  44. Gosh this is funny! Love your facial expressions, hah, and those fortune cookies are just not edible!

    • Thank you so much, Tinkerbell (love the name)! I’m glad I didn’t eat these, because then they’d COME TRUE. Gahhh. And thanks so much for the follow! :)

  45. i love fortune cookies! but i have never gotten ones like these! http://www.psimadethat.wordpress.com

  46. I got a fortune that simply said, “Don’t panic.” The irony of course is that it made me panic. What am I not suppose to worry about! Am I forgetting something?!. haha

  47. Pingback: Sharing Sunday « whatsupyournose

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