Snakes Aren’t Scary (Except When They Are)

So you’re probably thinking I’m going to start this post like I always do, by greeting you as my fuzzy, wuzzy, li’l Chipmunks. Well, I would, but Peppermeister (First Husband) told me snakes eat chipmunks. And I just don’t want to take that kind of chance here.

You see, on Saturday, amidst hour number 8,002 of yard work, I went over to the pool filter and lifted the cover so I could clean it out. We had just had a big storm, so I knew it would be full of crud.

Oh, I was right about that.

Yup. THAT just happened.

I’d like to take this time to remind you that I live in New Jersey. The reason I stay here is simple: NO SCARY CREATURES (unless you count our politicians). No scorpions, no box jellyfish, no dementors, and no grizzlies (I don’t think. Don’t burst my bubble).

Now, okay, this snake was probably only 18 inches long, and a harmless garter at that, but that didn’t stop me from letting out a strangled cry and jumping back 5 feet.

I made Peppemeister repeat the process when he got home, so he too might have something to blog about. Which is when we discovered it was still very much alive.

Now that I’ve had a few days to recover, I’ve decided I’ve given this snake far too much power. And I know I’m not alone; so many people are terrified of snakes.

I’m going to take care of all that for you, right here, right now. It’s the least I can do considering you’re probably still pissed from hearing that I have a pool and haven’t invited you over.

Allow me to present to you:

BOB, the Worst Stand-Up Comic Snake of All-Time

And so you see, snakes are nothing to be afraid of. Until they start telling jokes.

Have you ever encountered any unwanted critters in your dwelling?

***SUPER IMPORTANT ALERT THAT YOUR HAPPINESS PROBABLY DEPENDS ON: I’m wrapping up the Go Guilty Pleasures slap bracelet extravaganza, so if you have any unseen slap bracelet pictures, the deadline is TODAY, JUNE 6th. I hope you’ll send them to me at Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com. Oh and I think you’re swell. Even if you don’t have a slap bracelet.***

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99 responses to “Snakes Aren’t Scary (Except When They Are)

  1. I haven’t seen it, and I pray I don’t, but a neighbor reported a large rattlesnake was spotted in his yard last week. There are seriously so many creepy-crawly-slithering things here in Florida that I’m surprised I haven’t gone completely mad…..oh, wait…

    • Gaaahhhh. Katy. Sometimes I wonder how you do it. (Psst. I heard you have SCORPIONS. Listen, just come up here. Broadway is waiting.)

      • I don’t know about scorpions. We have a bumper crop of geckos and lizards, snakes and gators. I found a spider the size of my hand in the garage, had that nasty run-in with the fire ants (Thank God I was drinking and didn’t realize the extent of my reaction) and every time I see those shows about the pythons on the loose in Florida I just want to get in my car and drive…Scorpions? Really? I gotta get out of this place.

        • LOL! Babs (my mom) was visiting a friend in FL a few years back, and was supposedly telling my mom about scorpions in her house/yard (and of course everyone feels compelled to share their scorpion tales with me…which I never, EVER forget).

          So yes. You need to come up here. And bring your fire ant symptom-repelling booze.

      • Oh, wait – maybe my geckos and your snake could go on tour!!!

  2. Snakes will eat your face! It’s a true fact, that I have completely not made up or anything….. (Thankfully the UK have only 3 native species, all of which scarper if you go near…. hurrah UK faces remain in tact)! x

    • haha! Kate! This gave me the BEST image of a cute, little snake with a British accent scampering off going, “Let me fetch you a cuppa!”

      P.S. – Slap bracelet pics going up tomorrow (11am your time)! Yayyy!

  3. ashleypatterson21

    OMG Jules! I got my slap bracelt! you’ve gotta extend the deadline till tomorrow please? :P I am so happy :D yaay!

  4. ashleypatterson21

    It arrived on time, somebody in my office just ‘forgot’ to pass it on :P

    • I know you’ve heard me say it already, but I am SO excited that you got it AND were able to send such awesome pictures! I can’t wait for the post to go up tomorrow! :)

  5. Oh. My. I am so glad you didn’t need my help when I offered to help you with the gardening. You = scorpions. Me = ssssnakes. Shudder.

  6. That would’ve been a gold mine for me when I was a child. Catching a snack was the rarest, frogs was also up there but only awesome if you were nowhere near A pond.

    • L, you’re a much stronger woman than me. Although for some reason I seem to be fine with HUGE animals. Maybe it’s a cold-blooded vs. warm-blooded thing?

  7. Last night I watched some ridiculous new couples show where girls pick a partner and then have to complete tasks together….I know…who cares…but I thought it was the topic of your blog! Each woman was lowered into a pit of snakes to retrieve a conch shell…a conch shell….ack!

  8. I grew up around snakes as a kid so they don’t bother me. However, my current NY rathole is the home of a LOT of centipedes. Huge hairy looking beasts. Some have been about 3 inches long and 1.5 inches wide (including legs). Yuck.

    • *shudder* I know exactly what you’re talking about. UNFORTUNATELY. I think we should both learn to sleep with all of our orifices closed. …There’s gotta be a way. ;)

  9. I have never encountered a snake like that. Ewww! I would faint dead away. We did have a family of groundhogs living under our shed once. They were a little cuter by comparison.

    • Darla, this seems entirely unfair. You have amazing running cows and groundhogs and hilarious kids, and I have spiders, snakes and a husband who claims to be ‘expanding my horizons’ with peppers hot enough to kill a buffalo.

    • P.S. – We actually live near a buffalo farm. …Jersey. The gift that keeps on giving.

  10. We just got back from the beach a coulple of days ago and while there, during a wine induced nap, the hubs and I were abruptly awakened by oldest daughter informing us that there was a snake in our pool! YIKES!! I ran out just in time to see it slither into the filter. My husband is full of Crocodile Hunter-like braveness and he lifted the filter lid and pulled the little dude out with his bare hands while I screamed. It ended up not being a snake at all. It was a non-joke-telling glass lizard!

    Your pool snake is scary and I kind of hate it!

    • “…and I kind of hate it,” ha ha! Poor Bob.

      Your husband is a rock star! I think it’s hilarious that you had almost the exact same experience (except more glass and less real snake). We’ll get through this.

      • I’ll send you a pic of him (we think it was a him–it goes along with my silent theory that all things phallic are boys). He’s actually pretty cute in a terrifying sort of way. If I’d only had a slap bracelet at the ready to hold up to him!

        • ha ha! AWESOME. I can’t wait to see it. Maybe I’ll work some PowerPoint magic to pair him up with a slap bracelet for a follow-up post. Bob was the same way – cute in a terrifying way. Lucky for him; it probably saved his life. ;)

  11. you have a pool?! thats all I got. the jealousy took over….

  12. That would have given me a start as well. Although I’m not really afraid of snakes. We live out in the country, so we’ve had a couple around, but they are also of the non-lethal variety (I think). Although, I did have a pet snake in college. He was pretty rad. I would let him slither all through my hair (he was kinda tiny) and up and down my arm. Freaked my mom right the hell out. Probably mostly why I did it. ;)

    Now, apparently there has been a sighting of a black bear in my neighborhood. A black bear. Yeah, I don’t live in Alaska, thank you. What the hell is that. We are keeping an eye on the pooch when we let her outside, for sure.

    And of course snakes are awful stand up comdians. They can’t even stand up!! (Ba-dum-bum-chhh. Thanks folks. Try the veal).

    • ha ha! Yes, I’ll take the veal, please! (That really did make me laugh. Then again, Bob did too.) You are blowing my mind with this pet snake tidbit. Does your family know about this? I feel like that’s an important, telling fact about someone.

      Oh and? Don’t fret too much about the black bears (I know, I’m scared of spiders but not bears). I’ve seen them when hiking so I did some research. They’re EXTREMELY unlikely to attack, and if they did, it would be more around wintertime if they were really hungry and provoked. It’s the grizzlies you have to watch out for (and we don’t have those in our respective necks ‘o the wood, I don’t think).

  13. Soooo…when’s the pool party? I’ll need to not only check the water temperature but also the filter for snakes.

    How did you, I mean, First Husband, get it out?

    • Thoughtsy! I’m ashamed of you. This is a family blog! How dare you ask questions about Jules’ husband’s snake and how he “got it out.” For shame, girl. For shame.

    • You and Misty are sooo invited!

      And I’m glad you asked (Misty, it’s okay, I’m an open book, LOL). He used grill tongs! Once he gave the snake a new home, he then placed the tongs in the garage and said, “These shall henceforth be known as my snake tongs.”

      Hmm. That was probably an important part of the story that I left out.

  14. As I recall you may not have grizzlies, but you do have Pine Barren Folk!

  15. Kinked Slinky

    Oh, yes, I feel there’s another post here – how DID you get it out ?

    • I should milk this! LOL I was just telling Thoughtsy (Thoughts Appear) that he used grill tongs! Once he put the snake out by the barn, he then placed the tongs in the garage and declared, “These shall henceforth be known as my Snake Tongs.”

  16. Please tell me you saved the snake. Please, please, please.
    We have a pool – well, we did, but we closed it down for good. The pool still exists, but it is covered and drained.
    I remember saving many creatures from our pool – frogs, mice, snakes, lizards, etc. I didn’t save spiders. Well, I may have inadvertently saved some spiders but not by choice. (I admit – I am a spider hater.)
    Thankfully, we have not had any unwanted critters in our dwelling as of late; however, bunny poop is on the rise.

    • Lenore, you’re the only one who asked! Yes, we ‘saved’ him and brought him out near our barn (where we don’t have any animals) and hoped he’d make his way outta here. I’ve DEFINTELY scooped some non-living things out of the pool in my day, though… (*shudder*).

      It’s so funny the amount of women who’ve brought up spiders in the comments. I HATE THEM, TOO. All bugs, really. I just don’t like that they can sneak up on you so easily. (Then again, if they were bigger, they wouldn’t be any LESS scary.)

  17. @Mistylaws, I bet we live in the same neighborhood.
    I almost stepped on one of those snakes 2 weeks back. I got an excellent photo (using zoom) that makes its head look as big as a pumpkin. Last year we had a bold black snake in the driveway that we had to herd around with shovels. We fed it an exploded rat from the infestation we had in the garage. For a while something was living in the bathroom wall, but I guess it left since I haven’t heard it in quite some time. One day I opened the silverward drawer and it had been rearranged by a mouse. My husband found him/er and sent it to mouse heaven. We’re currently in spider season here, which is just beyond disgusting. Oh, and last year I opened a folding chair and there was a mouse with a litter in it. I long for a simple, straightforward Texas cockroach.

    • Yeah, our last snake was in the driveway, too. The hubs saw it (he is terrified) and grabbed me from inside to come look. I came out and saw it was a harmless little thing, assured him he would be fine, and watched in crawl into a slit in the concrete under the garage. As far as I know he’s still thatre . Haven’t seen any mice for a while, but there were some in our kitchen at one point. Some mouse droppings in the pantry and some scurrying furry thing running from under the stove one day proved that. Maybe the snake is eating the mice? If so, rock on slithery one!

      Right now it’s stink bugs. Blech. I’m starting to get used to them, but the kids are super scared. They seem to really like my oldest son (6 y.o.) and keep landing in his hair. He freaks right out. I laugh really hard. So, it’s fun in our house! :)

      • OMG, Misty, you have the stink bugs, too (we call them “das stinkers”)?! They’re SO obnoxious. We suck up like 100 every day. Ours smell like cilantro, although we once had a batch that smelled just like Cheetos, hahahaha (We Googled it; apparently it’s common!)

    • Linda, I don’t know if I could handle cockroaches either! But we’ve definitely had to deal with mice. We’re pushovers, and used the humane traps (which I think they quickly outsmarted); then, ironically, we found one dead in the sink (it drowned in a bowl of water) and they haven’t been back…

  18. Little known fact: all snakes are funny. The amazing thing about Bob is he can STAND UP.

  19. This reminds me of a story when my husband and I were dating. He came over to use the washer (in our basement) and came up to my room totally freaked out “Melonie, there’s a snake in the basement!”
    “So?”
    “It’s huge. Go kill it.”
    Jason’s deathly afraid of snakes. I kind of dig them, so it was no big deal. But it was not huge. It was a tiny garter snake the size of a nightcrawler. And it was a cold concrete floor, so it was moving pretty slow. Easy to catch and throw outside.
    We make a great pair- I get rid of his snakes. He kills my spiders. It’s a symbiotic relationship.

  20. Animals that have been in my dwelling who did not belong: land crabs, a rattlesnake, geckos and lizards, mice, squirrels, a bird, all kinds of overly large insects and arachnids, deer (not in the house, but uncomfortably close in my backyard… I turned around and it was staring me down about 8 feet away and I almost had a heart attack), a possum (at the bottom of the trash can, how did he get there?), a turtle, countless frogs, and… that might be it. My houses always had doors and screened windows, so the number of critters who found their way in anyway is quite impressive.

    • Nicole, that is impressive! We have deer everywhere, but I think if I looked out of the window and had one staring me down, I’d freak right the freak out. (Although I did just see the CUTEST, TINIEST fawn yesterday. Maybe it was Mother Nature’s way of making it up to me?)

  21. We mostly have black rat, water, and coperhead snakes. We have a 4 foot long black rat snake living under our out building/shead which is why I won’t go near it till winter. I hate snakes always have… wierd considerign I have always lived in the country except when I had to live in the city while in graduate school. I came upone this black snake the other day while on the tractor… needless to say I took off in the other direction, got my neighbor, and had him make sure it wasn’t in the shed itself. My hubby was at work.

  22. I own a 4 and a half foot ball python, she lives in my living room and we adore her. But when snakes come out of the wood works, jumping out and surprising people, well that is just unacceptable. And truly terrifying.

    • Wow, Crystal! How are people with it when they come over?? I’m glad you agree the ‘Boo!’ routine is unacceptable ;) That’s really the part that bothered me most about Bob.

      • They don’t really mind her so much unless shes in her roamer mood where she is actively trying to freak people out with her slithery-ness. I remember one time I woke up in the middle of the night to a loud thud noise…turns out she had escaped….my main goal was to find her before she gave my cat a very unwanted hug of death. Shes cool tho…Her name is Katrina lol.

  23. What’d you do that for? I’m scared beyond belief of snakes. Jokes or no.
    As for critters… a snake once followed me into the bathroom. That was unfortunate. And we’ve had a bat sneak into home once or twice. Oh, and Dad got stung by a scorpion once. That was scary.
    But snakes and critters stalk me mostly in my dreams. Horrid dreams.

    • Okay, I was going to respond to everything else you said, but then you went and told me about your dad and the scorpion. Scorpions are my #1 phobia. I feel like you have to tell me everything, but I might listen with my eyes closed (and that’ll be interesting since we’re doing this story exchange online). Then again, I guess you don’t owe me anything since I terrified you with Bob ;)

      • eheh-eheh… the memories… it really wasn’t all that frightening, I guess, except for the fact that we were holidaying in a cabin in the mountains 90 minutes away from the nearest doctor! Little Sister picked up a “pretty log” to show my dad, and as he took it from her the creature crawled from the woodwork – quite literally! – and stung him. We freaked a little. Fortunately we had some cell phone signal so we googled and could tell with relative certainly that it wasn’t a poisonous sort. Or at least not poisonous beyond swelling his hand to about twice it’s usual size.

        Moral of the story: don’t pick up random logs in the woods.

  24. When we were visiting my mom in Virginia a couple of weeks ago, Grant and I decided to go for a little walk. We were having a grand old time, enjoying honeysuckle and fresh air, when we came across a big black snake. After our initial shock (read: leap into the air and subsequent sprint), we started strolling along again, only to stumble upon a bright green snake smack dab in the middle of the road. Thirty seconds later, we almost stepped on a giant dead racoon. At that point, we decided that nature was out to get us and high-tailed it back home. Yuck!

    • Gahhhh Rian, you’re kidding! There’s a walk that was doomed from the start! (On the upside, did it make you glad to return to Canada?)

      I *do* want to hear the story of Grant and the black mamba! Since I know it has a happy ending (for Grant, at least, LOL).

  25. Also, being the African boy that he is, Grant can tell you a pretty terrifying story about a black mamba that rose up to look him in the eye!

  26. Bwahaha! Li’l D, bless ‘im, consistently chooses the snake as the friendliest critter in his Dora book’s snake/croc/frog trio, so I’m not sure he’d appreciate this. But I do. Loudly, and with an enormous side of “more animal stand-up routines, please.” :D

    (Is is still called stand-up if the critter can’t technically stand?)

  27. Your photos made me go “eek!” I have a snake story for you….When I was 12, I was walking through my kitchen (barefooted) and stepped on the tail of a baby rattlesnake! It’s little creepy head flopped up and smacked against my leg. I proceeded to squeal like someone was trying to knife me, and jumped on the counter. My mom ended up squeezing it’s head with salad tongs and throwing it outside. It was all very ‘redneck’ and terrifying!!

    • Gahhhhh WOW! Gee, I wonder why this story stays with you, LOL I’m a little embarrassed to admit I don’t know how old rattlesnakes have to be before they’re a threat.

      The best part of this story is that that is EXACTLY how we got Bob the Snake out of the pool pilfer – with salad tongs! They really should use that in their marketing campaign (“not just for tossing SALADS anymore!”)

      • brilliant! rattlesnakes are dangerous as babies but they don’t have good technique so they are either deadly or harmless, depending on if they get their teeth in you. ok, now i am going to have nightmares.

  28. I’m not scared of snakes… in nature. Which is where they are supposed to be. But that would have freaked me out! I love your snake captions. He still is scary. You can’t fool me!

  29. That snake is both the best and worst snake comedian I’ve ever heard.

    NJ though? Seriously? I thought for sure they all conspired to live down here in the south.

    • Thanks, Carly, but I trust you’ll understand why I can’t pass that along. It would just go straight to Bob’s head. Then again, maybe he’d migrate south to pay you thanks… ;)

  30. I had a snake at my house once, too – IN THE KITCHEN SINK! OK, it was quite a bit smaller than yours, but your house ceases to be your sanctum sanctorum when snakes can arrive uninvited in your KITCHEN. My husband wasn’t home, so I called the neighbor down the street and we both stood squirming and screeching (yes, we are chipmunks), wielding large kitchen utensils while the snake plied its stand-up trade to no avail. Finally we had the bright idea to use our barbeque tongs and spatula to shove the thing down the garbage disposal, and then . . . oh, yes I did.

    • So I just checked and you’re DEFINITELY not showing up in my WordPress reader, so I just unfollowed and refollowed you (which seems to help, because I’ve been having this problem a lot lately!)!

      In the kitchen sink?! Oh-hohhhh no. That is sacred ground. (We had a mouse drown in a bowl of water in our sink not too long ago. Ick. It was so ironic because we had been using humane mouse traps to try to catch him.)

      Between you, me and another commenter (hunting for bliss), it’s official: salad tongs are THE best snake removing utensil available. Amazing.

  31. We were out in the woods walking once and came across a snake in the middle of the path. The dog, curious about why we were staring so intently at the ground, walked over and stood on the snake and stared back at us. It took much longer than it should have for him to get that we wanted him to MOVE. But the snake never reacted – then once he moved, it slithered off, indignantly.

  32. Its possible that my scream upon seeing that snake would have been heard in New Jersey. Not a fan!

    • I wish I had my ‘strangled cry’ on tape. It’s this weird, gurgling, muted scream I make whenever I jump out of my skin. The only time I really screamed in recent memory was when Peppermeister closed the car trunk on my finger. And even then it was this low, loud scream (not like a proper girl). And then he screamed at ME because he had no idea why I was screaming, but I couldn’t form words, LOL

  33. well, there was this one time i walked and saw a snake… ALL THE TIME! toughen up, new jersey. :)

    Great pics and post. i want a pool!

  34. He is definitely the Soupy Sales of snakes. He’s got real potential, that kid.

    Okay, am I the only one who saw bees in there too? I guess I’ve never seen a pool filter so I don’t know what I’m looking at. All that stuff surrounding the walls and under the snake…those aren’t bees?

    • ha ha! You are [the first to ask], but that only makes you even more special. And I’m so glad you asked, because I’m happy to b*tch your ear off about what, in fact, are tiny, little, baby pine cones. Sounds cute, right? Yeah..no. I don’t know what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks the original homeowners were thinking.

      Well. Okay. It is pretty. Save for the reptiles. And the never-ending work.

  35. Pingback: Slap Bracelets Comeback – The GRAND (Oh, it’s Grand) Finale! | Go Guilty Pleasures!

  36. 0______0 grooosssss i hate snakes. I have no idea why people keep them as pets.
    About the pool it’s okay. I have a pool and a ghetto hottub that i’ve been keeping to myself so we’re even :D

    • LOL! So funny – we have a creepy swingers hot tub that’s separate from the pool and built into this gazebo thing-a-ma-jig. If it sounds cool, it’s NOT. Hopefully one of these days we’ll finally get it hauled away…

  37. Hello, congrats on the Freshly Pressed! I’d like you to know, however, that the thing that tipped me from reader to follower was the excellent ‘pain in the ASP’ pun. Marveloussss.

    My dad lived in Canada as a boy, and lost a game of roller hockey by punting the puck into a rattlesnake nest. That’s the way he tells it, anyway.

    • Thank you so much, and HA! SCORE! No one else even mentioned that one; I bow down to you and appoint you captain of the Pun Appreciation Club.

      And I hope your dad has a happy, snake-free Father’s Day! :)

      • I don’t think I can express exactly how awesome that is. Ms Jules, you’ve made my day. As Captain, I invite you to be Chairman. These snake puns in particular are hissterical. I’ll stop now.

        • You know you’re making me mad because you’re hilarious, right? If I follow one more blog, I’m going to have to quit my day job and foreclose on the house. ;) I’ve already seen an amazing pun on your cast of characters page (about the geologists). Darn you, WordPress talent!!!!

          • Thank you, that means so much coming from someone as renowned and prolific as yourself! I just did a genuine hitch-kick. I aim to please – these things take me a fair bit of time to write, so hopefully I can keep you the right side of homelessness. I’ll plug you in the next one ;)

  38. I’ve been enjoying your site so I’m nominating you for the Illuminating Blogger Award for informative, illuminating blog content. I know not everyone participates in blog awards but I hope you’ll at least check it out because it’s a great way to discover new blogs and meet new web friends. If you’re interested in participating, you can check out the details at my site … http://foodstoriesblog.com/illuminating-blogger-award/ … Either way, hope you’re having a great day!

  39. That snake should get an agent, I hear there’s some work on a plane. How cool is it to have a pool? I’m almost certain snakes don’t swim. Even if they did, after a couple of poolside cocktails I might not be too worried about it. Cheers Jules.

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