I Tasted Another Man’s Peppers

Chipmunks, when I dream, I dream big bad.

And by dream I mean scheme.

I set my sights on things like embarrassing my friends. Or my in-laws. Or my web design classmates.

It almost never backfires. (Except for when it always backfires.)

Up until last week, I was still dissatisfied, though. A nagging, long-time dream eluded me:

Making my Current Husband, Peppermeister, jealous.

You see,  he’s always been incredibly secure, and, well, it’s maddening. Like, who is he to steal all the confidence in the world and leave nothing for the rest of us? Am I right?

What’s more, in order to keep the relationship balanced, I assumed the surplus jealousy he was unwilling to feel. Exhausting.

I yearned to put this pepper-lover in his place.

I tried talking about other men, crafting elaborate schemes to secure a second husband, flaunting my assets… Nothing. Nary a raised eyebrow or passive-aggressive-taking-of-the-last-Hot-Pocket.

Argh!

The closest I ever came? Justin Timberlake hosting Saturday Night Live:

“You know he’s not as funny as you think he is,” Peppermeister commented, watching me howl as J.T. brought it on down to Omelet-ville.

My heart fluttered. Could this be it? Was it not perfect teeth, rock hard abs, unfathomable wealth and a melodious voice, but another man’s comedic talent that would rile him?

“Are you jealous?” I asked.

“No. I’m funnier,” Peppermeister calmly replied.

Double argh!

Is it time to finally give up and accept his constant praise and unconditional support? I wondered.

Then, as if the chipmunk gods had spoken, last week Peppermeister caught sight of something resting on the kitchen counter:

“What the hell is this?” he asked, eyes as fiery as his homemade sriracha sauce.

Bingo.

“Oh that?” I batted my eyelashes. “This guy at work gave it to me. He said he has more peppers than he knows what to do with.”

I paused.

“And you don’t grow that kind.”

“This isn’t organic,” he spat.

“He said they were,” I replied innocently.

“Get this out of my kitchen.”

“He sits right next to me,” I sighed. “I just love the regular bell peppers.”

He stormed out of the kitchen, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

At last.

At long last.

So. What keeps your relationship spicy? (PG-rated, please, Chipmunks.)

***BLOGGY NOTE(S): The deadline for my “Hold Onto Your Hats” Halloween Contest is Oct 27th! The prize is amazing: A jack-o-lantern designed and carved just for you by yours truly…and Sun-Staches mustache glasses!

Also? I’m sorry I’ve been pretty M.I.A. lately; lots of fun things to share with you soon. In the meantime, please know that you and blogging are an important part of my life. I really mean that. I hope it makes you as uncomfortable as my coworker [with the bell peppers] would be if he read this post.***

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83 responses to “I Tasted Another Man’s Peppers

  1. OMG,,,your title to this post, just reminded me of a naughty but very funny dream I had last week,,,I need to post it,,,Lady Gaga was the star,,oh man…
    Hahaha,,,good job on making the hubs jealous!

    • Oooh, any dream with Lady GaGa sounds like it has promise. Sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming when I watch her performances. (“Is…is she really wearing…is that…happening?”

  2. Peppers, chillies… ugh, you discovered the universal male achilles heel. This won’t do. Won’t do at all.

  3. On another note, very excited that you gave the link to Peppermeister’s chilli recipes. Life just got better.

    THANKYOU

  4. Isn’t it just the worst when you have a supportive and even keeled man who doesn’t get unnecessarily jealous and is trusting and faithful? Aren’t they just THE WORSTEST??? I feel your pain, Jules. I am so sorry.

    Nice one with the pepper. Next time, maybe get a little more spicy in the kitchen. Bring home a jalapeno! ;)

    • Thank you, Misty, for understanding my plight. It’s been a long ten years.

      You know what? The spiciest peppers I’ve ever eaten HAVE been jalapenos, and Peppermeister finally figured out why – depending on where they’re from, they actually ARE way (way, way, WAY) hotter than your typical grocery store jalapeños. And I’ve eaten ghost pepper powder.

  5. Sometimes, and not usually intentionally, I will see how much of my “special scent” he can tolerate before he says something. But that’s just gross, not spicy. However, like this post, it does make me laugh.

  6. You had me laughing from the second I read the title. :lol: Peppers, the ultimate weapon for jealousy! Lol. ;)

    • Aw thanks, Lilykins! I wasn’t sure what he’d think of this post, but it seems that since I’ve linked to his sriracha recipe, it gets his pepperlicious stamp of approval.

  7. my husband acts nonchalent, but I know that he gets jealous of how I now attract eighty year old men

  8. Everything about this post was priceless, from the title to the story to the photos. “This isn’t organic. Get this out of my kitchen.” You kill me, JD.

    By the way, don’t tell your hubby this but…I hate peppers. Any kind. Green, yellow, red, banana, jalapeno, they all taste vile, just terrible to me. Blech, phooey, phooey. Once I accidentally ate a green pepper that was hiding under the cheese on my pizza and had to wash my mouth out with soap. I am still traumatized to this day, Julesy. But you somehow make peppers more appealing to me now.

    What spices up my relationship? I just whipped up a batch of my special turkey chili this morning, set on low in the ol’ crock pot for the next six hours. Once Jim comes home from work and takes one good whiff, he’s gone. He loves my cooking (too bad I hate to cook)

    • Hee Thanks, D Pants! I hope he doesn’t see this comment. He might not let us talk anymore. My sister is the same way about peppers, actually, but she and Peppermeister still heart each other, so I guess he could find a way to forgive you, too. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly developed an allergy to peppers… That could be a great prank.

      Mmmm crockpot chili! Jim is a lucky man. We had Peppermeister’s white chicken chili last night. Mangia!

      • He might not let us talk anymore? I love peppers, I do!
        Tell him that Jim is a huge pepper freak as well. He’ll eat jalapenos straight out of the jar. Yet, somehow, someway, we make our marriage work.

  9. Bazinga! You got him — right in the peppers. My hubby doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body. He knows I’m going home with him, so no matter how much dancing I do with other men, he doesn’t care. He figures, he wins. I wish I could figure out what would get him riled up. And not in a bad way. He does love my cooking. He actually hums while he eats. (Which is weird, if you ask me.)

    • Hums while he eats! That’s adorable. And I’m glad he’s secure because with a hawt piece of chipmunk tail like you, things could get ugly (if he was the jealous type).

      Of course, having said that, I’m happy to help you plot to make him jealous. What I’ve learned from this pepper experience is that the jealousy comes where you least expect it, but EXACTLY WHERE you should have expected it… Hmm… We’ll have to work on this.

  10. Fish Out of Water

    Today I posted a dating profile trying to find the next in line and my husband didn’t even care. He’s unflappable, I tell ya.

    • You too? What is up with these men? If I had an ounce of my husband’s security, I’d be running for President.

      Our bodies MAKE BABIES. How do we let them get the upper hand?

  11. HAHAHAHA!!! Love this. Having tasted your husband’s peppers, so to speak, I understand.

  12. Bahahaha, pepper envy!! :)
    The boyfriend and I joke about his “other” girlfriend and my “other” boyfriend all the time. Any errand I run solo is really an excuse to hang out with the “other” boyfriend and such.
    Oh, and yesterday he talked about us getting married so he can cash in on my great employee health benefits… I *think* he was joking. ;)

    • Oh no, I don’t think he was joking at all. Benefits and tax breaks are two of the only reasons to get married. Also the luxury of letting yourself go.

      Care for a Hot Pocket?

  13. You floozie! I can’t believe you would harvest the peppers of love in another man’s vegetable garden.

    OK, that’s pretty lame in the sexual innuendo department – sorry.

    • I am. A Trollop. A regular slattern. Our neighbor also grows peppers and commented on Facebook (in response to this post) that I should come over the fence and try his peppers, ha! (He and Peppermeister are friends.) Hilarious.

      And I think your innuendo had plenty of kick, yet the flavor wasn’t overshadowed. Perfecto!

  14. To keep my relationship spicy, I spread a dry rub on myself daily. It’s great–except for all the itching.

  15. PG???? What fun is that? Now I can’t talk about the cucumbers, marshmallow fluff and swiffer sheets….dang.

  16. Has he found out about that picture of the eggplant I sent you?

  17. Mr B had to constantly endure stories about my ex from our neighbors because half of them were all still friends of his, it didn’t seem to bug him much. If it was me, and the girls were always praising ‘what’s her face’, I’d go bananas….guys are either to cocky or they’re not really listening to half the conversation..haven’t figured it out yet.

  18. Adventure! We are in California right now in fact! I am catching up with your blog. Now that is dedication! We met up with some other writer friends which is my favorite pasttime along with eating peppers of course.
    After seeing Timberlake in Bad Teacher, I can’t get too excited about him, but I am glad that the new pepper in town caught the Peppermeister’s attention!

    • Susie! Geesh – you are a rock star! Reading my blog from California! Making the rest of us look bad over here! Sounds like an amazing trip.

      Wow. Bad Teacher ruined it all for ya, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess I can get to that. Why does his voice go up an octave and get all breathy when he’s trying to ‘really’ act?

      • I think it was the gross bedroom scene that put me over the top. How could two great stars be sucked into such a bad movie? Timberlake played the nerd waaaaay tooooo well! :)

  19. “Spicy” is not the term that leaps to mind in terms of my relationship right now, but that’s not to say things aren’t going well. Just not so much with the sexy.

    Although, now that she’s not pregnant, I’m hopeful that I can finally dive in to this jar of awesome salsa that made her nauseated before.

    • Look’atchoo reading blogs, B! Geesh. I woulda milked the baby thing for at least two more months.

      I really can’t think of anything clever to say about that jar of salsa that is remotely tasteful. <— Oh, there you go. TASTE-full. You get a lame pun that I actually didn't intend.

      I guess a lot has changed since you had K-Bean. I've forgotten how to be funny.

  20. Oooh! Very well done, Jules. I’m impressed. You really dove deep into his psyche to come up with that scheme.

    Mr. Angie is also very laid back, never gets jealous, very secure in my love and affection for him. It is indeed maddening.

    This isn’t organic, he spat. Loved that line!

  21. You always amuse me. I can’t wait to hear your exciting news. Also, my husband is annoyingly secure not jealous at all either.

  22. When it comes to a game of awkward chicken you should know that I rarely lose… especially to a married woman. I may have awkward-inducing-super-powers… maybe… oh, and I have tasted some amazing peppers from some other men… I’m just sayn’.

  23. My favorite with my last girlfriend was to frequently remind her that I might be a made-up character, only part of her imagination. THAT gets people thinking twice about…well, everything.

  24. Great post.
    Love the pics.
    Favourite line: it’s not organic!

  25. Well, hello Jules! I couldn’t stop laughing while reading this post! hahaha I thought I’d drop by to catch up with you , ya know. It’s been a while, and man I should have dropped by sooner, wouldn’t miss this pepper post for anything LOL. Hope all is well.

    from UK with love.. Donah xx

    • Donah! Hiya! it’s always a treat (speaking of jellybeans…) to hear from you. And please never feel like you have to keep up – you know how horrendous I am, especially lately! :)

  26. I love everything about this post–the build up, the double entendres, the photos. It’s one of my all time favorites! You’re a genius, Jules. xx

    • Rian, coming from you, that really makes my day! And I was super stoked (‘super stoked’…don’t you just want to punch me?) to see in my inbox that you recently wrote about blogging! I can’t wait to read the posts!

  27. I’m laughing so hard and love the pic with the fuchsia lips and green pepper. Btw, I had to google what a double entendre is from Rian’s comment, lol. I got laughs and a bit of education tonight…it’s like Chelsea Lately meets Jeopardy ;) Hope you’re well, I’ve been hiding under a rock, kinda, then came out and DID not see my shadow so I’m planning on sticking around a bit on the blogosphere!

    • Kristy – I love your new gravatar image – gorgeous! I’m glad you’ve kicked that rock to the curb. I’ve been so behind on blogging lately! But I’m excited for my Halloween contest – I’ll be carving the winner’s jack-o-lantern this weekend, woooot!

      Thank you so much :)

  28. The comments on this post are amazing by the way.

  29. To be candid, I believe it’s the size of my cocktails that she most loves — and I hope it doesn’t sound as if I’m blowing my own horn when I say that. I serve up a lot of stiff ones, and I can tell you in all humility that there’s just something about a big cocktail that keeps her coming back for more.

  30. My husband very rarely gets jealous… unless of course you’re a blogger who lives at least 1000 miles away and is married.

  31. We have been married almost 12 years and have 4 kids. That we have like each other still is all the spice I can share.

    And um, dying to hear your news!

    • Ha! Nina, you are a rock star. First of all, no one with four kids should look as gorgeous and fresh-faced as you do. (Seriously. Even on my best day…geesh!) And bravo on 12 years, too!

      I’ll definitely blogging about some ‘news’ within the next week or so, wooooot!

      P.S. – The news is not that I’ve learned how to correctly use Twitter. I’m sorry.

  32. Our relationship works because in the words of Kathy from ‘Wuthering Heights’ ‘I am Heathcliffe and he is me’ – Lainy is me and I am her. My wife and I have nothing in common whatsoever, aside from the children obviously, yet we are two halves of one person, two sides of a coin, (Is saying I’m heads and she’s tails either sexist or too much detail?), anyway our relationship isn’t spicy, it’s not exotic, romantic, grand, dramatic… it’s naturally fresh like rain, naturally warm like sunlight and as sure and steady as a clock mechanism. She is me and I am her, deep down, where it matters. No spice, no exotic ingredients, no complex recipe; just a good home baked everyday dependable pie at the end of long hard day.

  33. I do apologise for this, however, my first reaction to the title of this blog was ‘dirty girty’!

  34. Awesome, Jules! My relationship is sort of the other way around (i.e. I’m less likely to be jealous than Marty is). Now I wonder what he would have to do to get me super envious…

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  36. This is awesome. My soon-to-be husband is also the more confident one in the relationship. I don’t think another man’s peppers would make him jealous though. Perhaps another man’s cooking?

  37. It is so fortunate that my wife (a clinical psychologist – kids) is not aware of your blog… With her inventiveness coupled with knowledge, I could lose my confidence overnight! )

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