So I Work at a Strip Club Now

Yesterday was an interesting day at work.

Let’s just say my job makes me die a little inside.

Which is not something I usually get to say. Trust me. I work as a project manager for a pharmaceutical company.

Still dying over here.

Monday traffic and meeting madness aside, things were looking pretty perky by 9am. Because by 9am, I was staring at someone’s boobs.

Let me back that thing up.

I was meeting a brand spanking (ahem) new colleague to explain how great the department was, what kinds of things she could work on, and the dress code what to expect in the coming months.

The woman was in her 30s, attractive and friendly. The conversation started in the usual way: “How long were you without power [because of Hurricane Sandy]?”

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something unusual. Something not quite right. No, no, it can’t be, I thought to myself. I let my eyes dart down.

Yup. Yup. Oh my god. Black. Lace. Push-up bra. Cleavage many would pay to see. I felt my ears turn as crimson as her blouse. Of all the buttons to pop when she sat down…

I’m sorry. This is the best I could do. This is a family blog.

I had known this woman for five minutes. How could I tell her we’d already taken things to the next level? But could I make it through the rest of the meeting without saying something, and then hope she’d use the restroom? No, that was just cruel.

“I’m sorry I’d want someone to say something if it was me,” I blurted in one breath, “I think one of your buttons came undone.”

“Oh no, it’s just this shirt,” she said, swinging the droopy silk collar that dangled over her va-va-voom.

I said nothing and waited for her to look down.

“Oh jeez,” she cringed once she realized what I talking about, and quickly fastened the rogue button. She thanked me for telling her and carried on with her earlier point.

Just like that. I had to give her credit. A little while later, she bid goodbye,

“I’m off to meet with [Mr. Big Boss] now.”

“Great – it was wonderful meeting you!” I replied smoothly, wondering how disappointed the Big Boss would have been if he’d known what he missed out on.

Later that morning, I had time to giggle reflect. I gasped, remembering: This wasn’t the first time I’d seen someone’s bra at work!

My very first year on the job, a middle-aged woman I’d only just met grabbed me and pulled me into the ladies room.

“I need help! My bra!” she whispered, eyes wild.

I watched, stunned, as she freed one arm from her forest green turtleneck. I tried to figure out what was going on. Everything seemed normal. Except for all the parts that were totally fudged up.

I soon realized what she needed me to do. I reached down her shirt, grazing her moist, freckled back, fished out the dangling shoulder strap and re-hooked it to the front of her bra.

I left the bathroom in a daze. Twitter didn’t exist yet, so I saved the story for my sister-in-law-slash-coworker, who still fondly recalls Bra Lady.

You probably think this is the end of it. Oh-ho no. Peppermeister (Husband #1) read this draft post and reminded me of the crème de la crème.

A couple years ago, a coworker in her mid-30s returned from vacation in the Bahamas, eager to show me pictures from her trip. Call me crazy, but I’ve always been fond of vacation photos. Anything to escape the drab, gray cubicle walls.

I walked over to her desk and she pulled out a manila envelope.

“I hired someone to take these pictures while we were there,” she said, shy yet excited. “He said I could be a model.”

Each 8 x 10 photo featured her bikini-clad bod on the beach.

“You look amazing!” I gushed, admiring her toned figure.

She looked up and down the hall and then whispered, “I have to be careful about some of these.”

She flipped to the next few photographs.

And there she was.

Topless.

It’s been two years, and I still don’t have the words.

Anyway. Today I’m bringing a wallet full of singles to work. Just in case.

Crap. Now I’ve gotta stop at the bank. This is New Jersey. I can’t even get gas.

Have you ever felt like a boob at work? Any good wardrobe malfunction stories?

***Hurricane Sandy Update: We finally got power back on Sunday night! My mood’s as boosted my coworkers’ chests! Thank you again for all of your well wishes! …Annnnd just kidding. Power went out again at 5am today (Tuesday).***

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60 responses to “So I Work at a Strip Club Now

  1. Yaaaayyy to power!
    And up here it’s a crisp 0 degrees,,I expect to see some erect tata’s today,
    even if they are in scrubs :)

  2. Oh my god! hahaha! This was boobtastic. And how odd hubby remembered the topless photos story…hmm….but back to the soft porn bra incident in the bathroom. Uh….why couldn’t she readjust her bra malfunction herself? I mean, I realize she’s ‘middle-aged’ (like me, ahem) but, really…. I’m not sure I would have stopped a co-worker to ask for help. Unless he resembled Brad Pitt.

    I did have a wardrobe malfunction once. It was back in high school. I had to give a presentation in Biology and while reaching up to write something on the chalkboard, felt my bra unhook in the back. So I just put my text book across my chest and stood there like a moron. (I have so many more of these stories, you just have no idea…)

  3. Come baaack, power! Stay! Stay!

  4. Excellent!! This reminds me of an all time favorite story. It wasn’t technically at work, it was at the gym. But I did work there on occasion so that counts, right? I was looking at this woman at the gym and contemplating the effort she had clearly put in to getting ready for the gym. her hair was done. She had lipstick on. She was carefully stuffed and fluffed in to her workout gear. Was that a mole on her breast? NO! It was not a mole!! It was an errant nipple pointing to the sky!! Someone had not made sure that her boobs were pointing in the right direction. It was crazy. I was mesmerized.

    That’s all I’ve got!

  5. I honor of you getting power, I’ve taken a topless photo of myself. Where can I send it?

  6. I don’t seem to ever see people’s boobs.

    But I do seem to teach a lot of people to use Tampax. Just sayin’.

    It might be one of my Super Powers.

  7. Whoa, talk about a boobalicious post…what is going on at your job?! ;)
    Anyway, I can’t believe power came back and then went again. :( But surely this time will only be for a little bit. Sometimes people lose power as the crews are restoring power for other houses. Fingers crossed!

    • Right?! I was going to blog about the first bit, even before I remembered the other two stories! What IS going on?

      I hope so – it just went out for 30 minutes at my parents’ this morning. I hope we have it back before I get home from my web design class tonight at 9:30pm. Low-expections-ville. That’s where I live now.

  8. My Gingerbread latte is now coming out of my nose here at the airport. Your blog post just made my day. LMBO!

  9. When I was working in an office that kind of thing would be a highlight of my day. Now, in my basement office, I get the occasional glimpse of a cat walking to the litter box to drop a deuce.

  10. I remember once giving a little hello side-hug to a woman and she said, “Oh my God, my bra popped open.” I thought, ‘I’m Fonzie! I’m The Fonz!’

  11. I have no stories except to say that there is an exceeding amount of cleavage in the work force today–maybe I am just jealous
    these kind of things (embarassing) stuff happens to me all the time and I have to pretend that I am not embarassed–I know this sentence contradicts my first sentence–but I do not want to go there

  12. Hell, I’ll practically ask a stranger to tighten a bra strap if it’s one of those done in back?

    Twice now, (almost 19 years at same company) I’ve made it through the whole building with my skirt tucked into waistline, arse-shining (covered in tights but … you know that’s not exactly covered). I was lucky that I worked early hours then and only a girl saw me both times.

  13. You used the word “moist,” your blog is now X-rated. Might as well name it Gogo Jules’ Emporium of Erotique Stories.

  14. I’m pretty sure everyone who knows me was at some point flashed during the nursing years. Now, I keep (what’s left of) them covered up most of the time. I remember being really shy about it at first, but then eventually I stopped caring. Boobs, half the population has ‘em, the other half wants ‘em.

    Ack on the power! Do you think the state of New Jersey is using evasive and underhanded techniques in order to distract you from… writing blog posts about boobs?

  15. I walk around with my shirt unbuttoned but no one seems to notice. Maybe they’re too shy to say anything…or maybe it’s that wretching sound I hear…

  16. You know I have some great stories… but they are about other women and I think they suffered enough embarrassment already… I do have to say though… I may still be a little bitter about being taken clothes shopping by my much older sisters as a kid… and why is it that every department store dressing room is in the lingerie section? When you are four or five this is really not cool… hanging out with the bras and panties, your feet can’t even touch the floor sitting in that chair… women not caring that you are there (because apparently if you are young enough it doesn’t matter that you are a boy and you can do things like go into the ladies room, or see strange women in various states of undress). One time a stranger (probably in her forties) actually came out in her bra (it was a semi-enclosed dressing room… as in the dressing room had a waiting room that was closed off from the store to increase privacy), didn’t see her friend, looked at me, and asked me what I thought… yeah… I remember that one too sis…

  17. Haha! I don’t wear button down shirts anymore unless I have a sweater over it. Just for that reason. Sometimes the girls want to break free and work ain’t gonna be where it’s happening! I’m also very conscious of wearing bras with a thick enough lining that I won’t be walking around looking like the turkey’s done. No one at work needs to even know that I have nipples. As far as they’re concerned, I’ve got smooth Barbie boobs (just smaller and not as pert).

    I saw a larger, older coworker changing shirts in her office once. She had the door closed, BUT the door had a narrow window and I just happened to be aligned with the window and with her at just the moment she pulled the shirt over her head. Unfortunately, the image of her white fleshy belly and white grandma bra is still burned in my memory.

    Otherwise, I used to go to the gym during lunch and while most of my coworkers were pretty good with modesty in the locker room, one woman used to walk around and have work conversations with me while topless. That was the worst!

    Hope your power comes back soon, like right now, and stays!

  18. I don’t have any malfunction stories, but I do remember one specific top my ex hated me to wear to work. About five years ago, he protested how much cleavage it showed. He’d say, “That’s fine for going to the club, but for the love of pete, have a little decency at the office!”

    I ignored him and ignored him and ignored him . . . until about six months ago, when I went to wash my hands, glanced at my reflection and suddenly realized what my ex was talking about. The shirt’s semi-retired since. I’m sure I’ll have a chance to wear it in the future, but I’m just as sure it won’t be at the office!

  19. Well, then. You are a regular boob magnet now, aren’t ya? Obviously, your boob magnetism made that poor girl’s boobs just shoot right out of her shirt. So it’s YOUR fault! Aren’t you ashamed?

    I have 2 not really related boob stories (neither at work and both mine) . . .

    When I went to get fitted for my wedding, I went to a bra shop and the woman who worked there asked if I had ever been “properly fitted” for a bra and would I like to. Not really knowing what all that entailed, I agreed. This is when she gave me the feeling up of a lifetime in order to “fit” me. I felt like SHE should have probably paid ME for copping that kind of feel, instead of me ending up spending hundreds for an overpriced bra. Sheesh!

    The other time I was horseback riding on a beach in Spain (yes, I do live that kind of life. Be so jealous . . . oh wait, that was a million years before kids and this morning consisted of a conversation with my boys about how one peed on the other early this morning. Still jealous?). Anyway, riding on the beach, lifelong dream, yada yada. So, I am just galloping along, enjoying the hell out of myself, when I realize something is amiss. Well, seeing as I was just wearing a regular ole over the shoulder boulder holder and NOT a sports bra, as I was bouncing along, the girls had gotten loose and had started FLYING up in my face as the horse and I were running along the beach. Luckily, I was ahead of everyone else and when we stopped, I was able to stuff them back in without too much obviousness, but I’m sure the people on the beach got quite a view of my bouncing bazoongas as we were racing by.

    Oh, and boo for still not power. Shameful. Do you wanna sue somebody? Lemme know. I’m your gal! ;)

  20. There was certainly no better question at the end of this post than, “Have you ever felt like a boob at work?” That’s amazing.

    Really funny post, J!

  21. I wish I could say this hasn’t happened to me but… dammit.
    Even though it makes me overheat (i run around quite a bit) I have to wear a camisole under my work shirts. I feel like they design the stupid things for 12 year olds

  22. Pharmaceutical companies. Strip clubs. Who knew they were so similar! :-)

  23. “I had known this woman for five minutes. How could I tell her we’d already taken things to the next level?” Poetry – sheer poetry. If by poetry we mean laughing my fanny off at work in a totally inappropriate way.

    For some reason neither women, men nor beasts seem inclined to flash me anything I’d care to see. Think I’m giving off a wrong vibe?

  24. Once, when Sweet Cheeks and I were just newlyweds, I went home for “lunch”. An hour later I screeched into my parking place, ran into the office buttoning the last of the buttons, and tried to straighten my hair. I kept getting strange looks all afternoon. Later I realized my bra was fastened all wrong in the back and the straps were all twisted. I didn’t live that one down for a while.

  25. I’m afraid I felt more like an ass than a boob. New job, national conference, tie from my dress caught in my undergarment… At least someone told me pretty quickly…

  26. I’ve never seen lady lumps at work…which is a good thing. I used to work at an assisted living place. Ick.

  27. I didn’t have a boob incident, but I did help a woman in the bathroom at a play. The back of her skirt was tucked up into her back seamed pantyhose, showing her thong. I didn’t know her at all, but I knew if I was having that issue, I’d want to know. So I said, “I’m sorry, but you might want to check your skirt.” “Huh?” “Your skirt in the back- it’s ….”
    She got the hint. And I was suddenly her best friend. Seriously. She could not thank me enough, and HELD MY HAND all the way back to the theatre, thanking me and talking about how powerful sisterhood was. Kinda weird and more than a little awkward. A simple thanks would have been enough.

  28. I used to travel for work, opening new offices and training. I always had arms full of training materials when being picked up at the airport and this day was no exception. The VP for this particular office picked me up at the airport and we headed directly to the office. He parked; I gathered up my training materials; and we started across the parking lot. It was a bit breezy and before I knew it, I felt a bit chilled. Looking down, I noticed my wrap skirt was no longer with me but several feet behind and about this time he noticed as well. I calmly handed him my training materials, went back for my skirt and quickly affixed it around my lower half. I wanted to run screaming back to the car but instead turned around, walked back to this man (whom I was just meeting for the first time) and quietly took my training materials back. He was the perfect gentleman and we became good friends after this, never discussing it again. What’s a girl to do?!

  29. Not only boobtastic, but lactastic as well! My first day back to work after maternity leave, I was collecting paperwork from the tellers windows when someone walked in with their squawling baby. What an unfortunate day to experience letdown while wearing a shiny red blouse. (new reader, Kay)

  30. Can a complete stranger join the fun?
    Meeting a boyfriend’s mother for the first time (she was predisposed to disapprove of me. Her perfect son was too good for any woman who wasn’t her). She walks in the house, and we greet her, spend about 15 minutes exchanging pleasantries and she leaves. Only then did I notice the button on my blouse was undone (the usual suspect. You know which one).

    (When I met that same boyfriend’s father, they came over unexpectedly when I was wearing sweats and a scarf on my head, giving my house a deep cleaning.)

    Thanks for the laughs, and the trip down memory lane (maybe not the second thing).

  31. Boob story of all time for me…..Home for Thanksgiving break from college to parents in FL, estranged step-sister I’ve never met (profession = stripper) decides to drive in from Jacksonville. Over dinner explains how she dealt with flat tire situation on way down by bl—ng random truck driver to fix tire, then breaks out “modeling” photos she’s had done (a/k/a nude photos), and there she was, butt ass naked, boobs in our faces at the dinner table! My Mom, her father………….awkward x ten…………my very proper southern baptist mother begins guzzling bottle of wine, my step-Dad literally acts like it’s not happening, and yeah, the rest of the day was like a bad dream…………Note to self, go home with boyfriend next Thanksgiving!

  32. Oho! My first job ever was in the lingerie department at The Bay (Canadian department store, sort of like Macy’s). I saw and felt more boobs by 20 years old than most hetero/frisky guys will in a whole lifetime. Trust me when I say that it was a terrible experience. The worst was when my high school English teacher came in for a bra fitting and insisted that *I* do it. She even made me come into the fitting room with her and her naked breasts when I attempted (in vain) to make the situation less mortifying by trying ye olde over-the-shirt bra fitting trick. I SAW MY TEACHER’S TITTIES!!! I still haven’t recovered, and it’s been 10+ years.

  33. The turtleneck bra story was my favorite. Moist and freckled. That’s all I need to hear before I have to yak.

    I work in the nonprofit sector. We don’t wear bras.

    Best wardrobe malfunction story I got to witness was a floozy of a friend who traveled to Europe with me during high school. She had a big crush on a cute British lad. We met him and a couple of his friends at a pool. She dove in and when she came up, I and another friend noticed her boob hanging out of her bikini top. Neither of us said a word. Because we were great friends like that. So then the floozy friend started talking to the guys and then a few minutes later came rushing over to us, face bright red. “My boob was sticking out!” She said the guys just casually said, oh, you’re boob is hanging out. Guys are so nice and direct. Strangely enough, bute British lad still liked her after that. Imagine that.

  34. “bute British lad”? What the hell? I swear I wrote “the cute…” but then my iPad felt the need to help. I’m ready to leave this thing in a shallow grave by the side of the road.

  35. I had the boobie button pop off my dress once at work. Thank goodness someone had a sewing kit.

    Hurray for the power being back on!

  36. Speaking of awkward moments at work, I once attended this bridal shower for an officemate. The married gals each had their turn to give some tips and pointers to the bride-to-be.

    Said one of the younger wives to the bride, “The sex must be good. If you love someone, it will be good.” Cue older wives (married 10-15 years) hilariously looking away as if to say, give it time, dear.

    And because of that bridal shower, I can’t stop wondering every now and then who has the best sex life in the office…

    Also, I won a prize for making the “best penis” out of clay dough. I was the second youngest at that party.

  37. What can I say? Hilarious!

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