Category Archives: Animals

My Dog Is About To Make Your Weekend

Uncle-Jesse-youre-welcome

Some of you may already be familiar with my obsession with my Labradoodle dog, Uncle Jesse.

He’s a model.

He eats lying down.

He answers to ridiculous commands.

He’s the inspiration behind my inaugural blog post.

Recently, I began to notice something even more incredible than the fact that he turns his snout up at the sh*tty knock off Milk Bone biscuits from the local bank teller.

I noticed he learned a command entirely unintentionally.

Because he’s the most amazing f%$&*@ dog in the world.

Happy Friday!

What’s the best pet trick you’ve ever seen? (Links to videos STRONGLY encouraged.)

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Talking Animals Are My Favorite

Hi Chipmunks! I went to the zoo on Saturday.

Jealous? You should be. Here’s what happened.

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Happy captioning!

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Deer Neighbor: I’m Not Okay With This.

DISCLAIMER: Animals were hurt during the making of this post. Really hurt. Like Bambi’s mother hurt. 

This weekend, Babs, my mom, sent an email with two troubling pictures attached. The email was entitled, He Finally Snagged One.

She was quite put out, because her neighbors recently constructed what she called The Gallows in their backyard. Every time Babs set foot on her porch, this monstrosity was in plain sight.

Before I show you these pictures, you need to understand that my parents live in suburban New Jersey, in a town full of white-collar yuppies who take the local train into Manhattan for work. They shop at Pottery Barn. They buy artisanal bread. Their kids play lacrosse.

In my parents’ world, the world in which I grew up, people have graduation parties and swing sets in their back yards. They do not have…well. This:

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Gallows occupied 1-13 004

I’m sorry, Babs. If it makes you feel any better, now that Peppermeister and I are out in western New Jersey, we have deer in our backyard every day, too.

Of course, they’re still alive…

Do you have any neighbor horror stories? No? Any good venison recipes?

Snakes Aren’t Scary (Except When They Are)

So you’re probably thinking I’m going to start this post like I always do, by greeting you as my fuzzy, wuzzy, li’l Chipmunks. Well, I would, but Peppermeister (First Husband) told me snakes eat chipmunks. And I just don’t want to take that kind of chance here.

You see, on Saturday, amidst hour number 8,002 of yard work, I went over to the pool filter and lifted the cover so I could clean it out. We had just had a big storm, so I knew it would be full of crud.

Oh, I was right about that.

Yup. THAT just happened.

I’d like to take this time to remind you that I live in New Jersey. The reason I stay here is simple: NO SCARY CREATURES (unless you count our politicians). No scorpions, no box jellyfish, no dementors, and no grizzlies (I don’t think. Don’t burst my bubble).

Now, okay, this snake was probably only 18 inches long, and a harmless garter at that, but that didn’t stop me from letting out a strangled cry and jumping back 5 feet.

I made Peppemeister repeat the process when he got home, so he too might have something to blog about. Which is when we discovered it was still very much alive.

Now that I’ve had a few days to recover, I’ve decided I’ve given this snake far too much power. And I know I’m not alone; so many people are terrified of snakes.

I’m going to take care of all that for you, right here, right now. It’s the least I can do considering you’re probably still pissed from hearing that I have a pool and haven’t invited you over.

Allow me to present to you:

BOB, the Worst Stand-Up Comic Snake of All-Time

And so you see, snakes are nothing to be afraid of. Until they start telling jokes.

Have you ever encountered any unwanted critters in your dwelling?

***SUPER IMPORTANT ALERT THAT YOUR HAPPINESS PROBABLY DEPENDS ON: I’m wrapping up the Go Guilty Pleasures slap bracelet extravaganza, so if you have any unseen slap bracelet pictures, the deadline is TODAY, JUNE 6th. I hope you’ll send them to me at Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com. Oh and I think you’re swell. Even if you don’t have a slap bracelet.***

Slap Bracelets Comeback – Part 4!

Chipmunks. I’m so excited I could just pee.

But I won’t.

I don’t think.

I now have enough GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet photos to do not one, but two Slap Bracelet Comeback posts! So, continuing on in the order in which they were received…

#1 – Olivia from A Single Blog

Olivia and I are new buds. I was excited to hear from her a few weeks ago, requesting a slap bracelet and bloggy feedback. She reminded me of the best part of blogging – connecting with other writers.

Isn’t she purdy?

I think Russell is positively rabid for his slap bracelet.

#2 – Misty from Misty’s Laws

Misty really wants everyone to put their best foot forward, especially her family. She reminds people to stay on track (and out of stretch pants) in her always-amusing Friday fashion disaster feature, Weekly Whacked. For even more hilarity, check out this recent post that is as humorous as it is horrifying.

#3 – Erin from Catstache

You may remember Erin from her recent victory as a runner-up in the GoGuiltyPleasures gift basket giveaway. Her guilty pleasure submission, along with her AMAZING photo accompaniment, were simply breathtaking. She is a true chipmunk.

And her cat, Alex, may just be one of the cutest pets I’ve ever seen. Even if he is trying to mangle the greatest fashion look since side-ponies.

More slap bracelet pics to come next week! By the way, I still have some slap bracelets left, so email me ASAP., a.k.a., As Soon As Perfection-interests-you.

For more Slap Bracelet Comeback pics, click here.

What kind of guilty pleasures are you engaging in this weekend?

P.S. – I didn’t pee. …Yet. I think we’re safe.

Do You Like Lists? You’ll Love This One.

Oh, Chipmunks. I could be coy, but it’s Friday. And my RIDICULOUS mug is on the homepage of WordPress thanks to a series of unsettling fortune cookies.

I'm really glad I didn't wear my wrinkled 'NSync t-shirt for these pictures. ...Remember that t-shirt?

As my idol, Ross Mathews, would say: It’s a good day.

There are a few things kicking around that I really want to share with you, and try as I might, I can’t find a common theme (other than awesomesauciness), so here they are in all their random glory:

Slap bracelets: They're not just for repressed guilty pleasure bloggers anymore! (Thanks to Renee at Life in the Boomer Lane for this pic - click it for her blog link!)

1.) My pal, madtante (over at opinions expressed may not be correct), made two absolutely hilarious videos: This one featuring her TALKING DOG wearing a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet, and this one singing “Hey Jude” for me. How cool is she?!

2.) Paul Johnson over at The Good Greatsby has

The Good Greatsby: Great-looking. Greater taste.

finally recognized my caption writing prowess. If you’re so inclined, please vote for your, ah hem, favorite caption (ends April 15th).

3.) I have some really phat fly dope excellent posts coming to you very soon. I want to tell you more, but where’s the my fun in that? Let’s just say a guest post and a giveaway are involved. You don’t want to miss it.

4.) Thanks for being so nice and attractive. I really do love you.

What’s making you smile today? If you haven’t found anything, perhaps Henri, the existential cat, can help you come to terms with that:

The Happiest Animals in the World

You thought this post was going to be about my labradoodle, Uncle Jesse, didn’t you?

Well, you’re wrong. Okay. Half wrong.

Uncle Jesse DID celebrate his 2nd birthday yesterday, after all:

The bow tie is actually real.

I’m pretty sure he’s a contender for Happiest Animal in the World. We got him as a puppy, from an extremely reputable breeder, after doing months of research to find a breed that would be compatible with my husband’s allergies. (I am a huge supporter of animal adoption, which you can read about over on JM Randolph’s amazing blog, Accidental Stepmom.)

Breaking hearts at 9 weeks old. Playa.

When Uncle Jesse licks his lips, sometimes the hair on one side gets a little caught up, and it looks like he’s smirking.

When his mouth is open, the sides of his mouth are upturned, resembling a smile.

All in all, he’s one content-looking pooch.

Dreaming of belly rubs and hot b*tches.

Yup. It would seem Uncle Jesse has the Happiest Animal in the World contest in the bag.

Nay, Chipmunks. My best friend, Jenn, just shared the following link with me (and if this doesn’t prove why we’re sisters from another mister, I don’t know what will):

The 25 Happiest Animals in the World

Here’s a sneak peek. Even the captions are priceless. You can thank me in animal crackers. Or vodka.


Secret To Happiness: Strong sense of self worth.
Favorite Thing: Looking smug.

Photo and caption credit (sloth): http://www.buzzfeed.com.

Do you have a favorite animal? Can you (please) send me pictures?

Why You Should Be My (Guilty Pleasure) Valentine

Oh my god. I love peanuts TOO!!!

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until yesterday morning to blog on Valentine’s Day.

What’s more of a guilty pleasure than an over-hyped, commercialized, pink-frosted holiday?!

C’mon.

Chocolate.

Flowers.

Stuffed animals (dressed as other animals).

Love.

Duh!

So, will you be my (guilty pleasure) Valentine?

Hmm. You’re not convinced. Tell you what. If you don’t feel like the ooey, gooey, warm and fuzzy Sir Schmoopie Bear of Snuggleton to my Madame Chocolate Bon-Bon of Cuddlesworth by the time you’re through reading this post, I will eat my weight in candy hearts (and everyone knows candy hearts blow).

Why You Should Be My (Guilty Pleasure) Valentine

1.) I made you this someecard:

2.) Uncle Jesse says so.

3.) I bake things…

...from scratch.

4.) Upon request, I will gladly summarize the “Breaking Dawn: Part 1″ special features for you. With drawings.

Here’s a sneak peek:

It rained a lot.

5.) This video:

And finally…

6.) Because I love you almost as much as I love my husband my second husband myself.

So, what do you say? Still no?! What the deuce is your real Valentine doing that’s better than that kitten video? I love you a nine!

Photo Credits

#1 (chipmunks) – http://sodahead.com

#2 (cats) – http://roflmouse.com

#3 (candy heart) – made at http://acme.com/heartmaker/

(All other photos are mine! Just like you want to be! Admit it!)

Slap Bracelets Comeback – Part 3!

Yo yo yo flying squirrels chipmunks! I have an exceptional bundle of GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet pics for you today! You are VERY welcome.

If you missed the first and second installments, they too are worth your time, in my completely conceited and biased opinion. Renée from Lessons from Teachers and Twits also just incorporated her slap bracelets into this dazzling post.

Continuing on in the order in which these pictures were received, here we go!!!

#1 -Katy from k8edid

It would really, REALLY help you to know something before I post Katy’s pictures, and I’m soooo tempted to keep it to myself.

Hmmm.

Okay. I give.

Katy teaches at a nursing college, and should earn many high-falutin’ credentials after her name just for her creativity in the following pictures. Oh, and, if you don’t already know: her blog is delightful, with smatterings of (humorous) poetry and recipes! What more could a guilty pleasure blogger ask for?

I put the slap bracelet to use on my drinking utensils…

…on a mannequin…

He's no dummy; he's got the hottest accessory!

…on a poster for the nursing students (about ID bracelets)…

…on an IV…

Give the patient 1 liter of guilty pleasure IV - STAT!

… Then I took it home where Shelby modeled it (reluctantly) on her ankle and on her tail, and drooled when I put it around her favorite guilty pleasure – Milkbones…

…Finally, I slipped it on my husband’s (Sweet Cheeks) skinny little ankle and snapped a picture before he could figure out what was going on…

#2 – Deb from The Monster in Your Closet

Deb is a very special person, choosing to focus on positivity and gratitude even in the darkest moments. She manages to make everyone feel divine with each heart-warming comment and every beautifully moving post. She is an accomplished writer (check out “The Monster’s Daughter“!) and a Buffy fan. What more do you need to know?

Oh, speaking of Buffy, she totally kicked chipmunk tail in my first video blogging contest with a hilarious video about Buffy, earning this super-duper homemade prize. (I have to mention that post every chance I get because I love it, and Deb, so much.)

Deb’s been keeping me up-to-date on all of the slap bracelet goings-on in her home, which center around her adorable toddler, Li’l D. Just look:

Guilty Pleasure Power - ACTIVATE!!!

While Li’l D was flexing his muscles, someone else was snuggling his My Little Pony…

Sometimes...there are no words.

#3 – Sandy from Sandy the Social Butterfly

I heard from Sandy for the first time about a month ago, requesting a slap bracelet. She said she’d stumbled across my blog, and I like to think it was via one of the following search engine terms (yes, these are real search terms that led people to my blog):

  • chipmunk sexy humor
  • farting for pleasure
  • diet with pop tarts
  • strippers covered in ketchup
  • how do i shape my eye brows like ryan philippe

I’ve been having lots of fun reading Sandy’s blog, because she shares personal anecdotes that are as endearing as they are amusing. She is also the first person I know who actually does those INSANITY and P90X work-out videos. So be nice to her;  she may be made entirely of muscle and the forgotten dreams of [P90X’s] Tony Horton, who clearly was never held as a child.

My, the pink against pristine white really raises the bar, Winston.

Just when I thought it couldn't get more stunning than Winston!

#4 – Cappy from Writer’s Block

I found Cappy a while back through one of my favorite bloggers, Girl on the Contrary. There’s definitely a common theme between these two gorgeous gals, and that theme is hilarity. She’s the perfect blend of silly and sarcastic. Every post of Cappy’s makes me burst out laughing, and I’m SO excited that she’s come over to the dark light side.

It's Kung Fu Pooh and Drunken Piglet! ...That sounds like a Chinese food dish I kind of want to try.

Thank you Katy, Deb, Sandy and Cappy! Consider yourselves cordially invited to the Chipmunk Ball. 

You STILL don’t have a slap bracelet to call your own? Stop your tears -and mine- by emailing me at JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com!

Slap Bracelets Comeback – Part 2!

Ohhhh myyyyyy goodnesssss. That’s how I feel right now, Chipper Chipmunks. Like Kristen Wiig in one of those surprise party skits on Saturday Night Live.

I can’t even stand it.

For anyone stumbling across this blog for the first time, what you’re about to see are some pictures of my adoring fans beloved readers wearing GoGuiltyPleasure slap bracelets. I’m posting the pictures in installments (here’s the first round), based on when they were received.

These photos are going to blow your mind. There’s a bulldog, CHIPMUNKS, an adorable child AND…a big reveal!!! Holy stromboli. I hope you’re sitting down.

#1 – Meet Mickey!

You hear me talk about my bestie, Jenn, now and then, but you’ve never heard about Jenn’s brother’s dog, Mickey, which is a real shame. Mickey knows all about how to embrace the guilty pleasure-ful life. For starters, he dines on gourmet meals and usually gets the best seat in the house. (Sounds like another dog I know…) You’re my hero, Mickey!

He is wearing a BLONDE WIG! In my honor!

This is bad(a*s) to the BONE!

If you don't think this is amazing, I feel sorry for you.

#2 – The Byronic Man’s BIG REVEAL!

I know I just said my best friend’s name is Jenn, but The Byronic Man and I are totally B.F.F.s too. It might be that we get along so well because I know where he lives and he has to be nice to me, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just so g.d. hilarious. If you haven’t read his recent post written from the perspective of Gary the bee, stop right now and as soon as you’re done reading MY blog, click here.

Now, if you have been following The Byronic Man’s blog, you know his gravatar (profile image) and blog header photos are mysterious, showing only half of his face. Well, Byronic Man has GIVEN ME PERMISSION to post his ENTIRE, CRACKERJACK KISSER in one slap bracelet photo, and it is QUITE scandalous.

First, a teaser:

And now…

Get ready…

Seriously, brace yourself…

MEET BYRONIC MAN (and his…lady….friend)!!!

I know. …I know! I know. It’s great.

#3 – Darla from She’s a Maineiac

Darla rules my guilty pleasure school. Her blog posts are thoughtful, funny and beautifully written. Darla is also incredibly supportive of her fellow bloggers; back in October, she got my video blogging contest off the ground, and by vlogging about Reese’s peanut butter cups and Golden Girls, she proved that she is the most chipmunky of chipmunks.

Speaking of chipmunks…I’m so excited to share Darla’s ADORABLY AWESOME photos (and captions!)!

I searched high and low for the slap bracelets and was startled to come upon this scene:

Apparently, even those crazy spastic helium-sucking Chipmunks can rock Julie’s fab bracelets:

Looks like wholesome Chipmunk fun...aside from the fact that poor Theodore has been blindfolded and Britney has apparently broken her neck...

I managed to steal the bracelets away long enough to put them to good use…

Nothing says “Good mornin’! Now wake the hell up!” than coffee, The Beatles and Go Guilty Pleasures!

They also make a fantastic baby bottle warmer!

Need the latest in fashionable binoculars? Or a trendy way to watch the opera? Look no further than Julie’s versatile slap bracelets!

THANK YOU Jenn (and Jen and Mickey!), Byronic Man and Darla! You can now let your loved ones know you have achieved the coveted Cherub Chipmunk status.

Stay tuned for the next installment!

If you’d like one of these (FREE!) psychedelic wonders, your wish is my command! Email me at JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com!