Category Archives: Booze

5 Stages of Exercise Grief

Now that I’m living life with a Fitbit (a.k.a. the pedometer on crack), I feel I owe you some dieting advice and exercise tips.

It'll only cost you $100 and your soul.

It’ll only cost you $100 and your soul.

For example, did you know either 8 shots of vodka or a bottle of champagne is a perfectly valid meal substitute, calorically speaking?

And you don't even have to chew!

And you don’t even have to chew!

As for exercise, just take a gander at my personal trainer:

8-minute-legs-Tad

Isn’t he magnificent? I call him Tadd, with two D’s, because he looks like he inspired every DoubleMint commercial ever made.

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Tadd leads my 8-Minute video work-outs, and is very beautiful and nice. Tadd reminds me to “keep smiling, gang! After all, it’s only 8 goddamn minutes!”

There are four DVDs in here. You do the math.

There are four DVDs in here. Tadd’s not very good at math.

Despite Tadd’s belief in the power of tomato cans as handheld weights and unitards as a general life choice, I leave him feeling less than optimistic.

Sure, my buns are burning up, Tadd, but so is my will to live.

5 Stages of Exercise Grief

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6-Stages-of-Exercise-Grief

What’s your least favorite exercise? 

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It Wouldn’t Be A Proper Vacation Without…

What day is it again? Where am I? Who are you? (Just kidding – I’ll never let go, Chipmunks.)

I’ve been living it up vacation style, and just wanted to pop in to let you know that both my liver and I are still alive and kicking.

How do I know I’m doin’ this time off thing right?

For starters, leisurely breakfasts have consisted of no fewer than 3 of the following: Croissants, coffee, champagne, cheese, fresh fruit, and/or BACON.

breakfast

Breakfast-2

I’ve stopped to smell the roses (or whatever the hell these are) on my morning walks.

early-morning-walk-flowers-2013 early-am-walk-shadow-2013There’s been double rainbow ogling.

ferry-rainbow-2013

Stops at the bank when I’ve run out of singles for the strip club.

Jules-single-dollars

Or, you know, the local farm stand.

Jules-farm-stand-2013

I’ve loaded up on all the fresh seafood I can get my claws on.

whole-lobstah-2013 lobstah-salad-2013I’ve done my new Fitbit (pedometer) proud and hit the trails with Uncle Jesse. (Note: Your own vacation success should not ride on this particular activity.)

highlands-hike-sweaty-2013 UncleJesse-highlands-hike-2013

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen, making things like homemade mid-east feasts.

homemade-mideast-feast-2013

I can still taste the garlic.

And of course, there’s been booze. Lots and lots of booze.

beer-2013

But the real reason I know I’m on vacation? I’ve only turned on my computer once.

The very best part? It’s not over yet! Today First Hub, Peppermeister, and I celebrate our 5th anniversary, and have another week of this to look forward to:

Long-Island-sunset-2012

Ed-Jules-Long-Island-smooch-2012

But just so ya know, it’s not all smooches and sunsets. We like to exchange meaningful gifts, too.

A wolf t-shirt to go with his BB guns.

A cutting-edge wolf t-shirt to go with his BB guns. You’re welcome, Peppermeister.

And his gift to me: Clever methods for stashing booze.

And his gift to me: Clever methods for stashing booze.

Stay tuned next week for the much-anticipated Peppermeister Roulette, where Rachel’s Table and Peppermeister go head to head to see who can handle his hottest homegrown peppers.

Peppermeister-Roulette-2013

What does vacation success look like to you? It wouldn’t be a vacation without _____?

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Gone Drinkin’ (Again)

Drinking-Champagne

It’s that time of year again, Snookums.

When I can’t come up with a damn thing to write about.

Time for a very short blogging hiatus. Now, now. Dry your wee little chipmunk tears. I’ll be back next week!

My money's on Rache.

My money’s on Rache.

Psst: This Friday at the Go Jules Go compound, it’s Peppermeister (Hub #1) vs. Rachel’s Table. That’s right. Those two are finally going head to head in a Spicy Pepper-Off to see who can handle the hottest homegrowns! I’ll have plenty to report next week.

If you want a delicious sampling of what’s in store, check out Rache’s fantastic “Peppermeister Roulette” videos (video one and video two)!

Don’t have too much fun without me. I love you.

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Long Island: Short on Good Drivers, Long on, um, Land

Chipmunks! I’m back from Long Island!

I feel less than chipmunky for putting up a new post before even responding to your kind comments and well wishes from my last post, but, psst

…I have something in the works for later this week, and it requires me to get to my ‘200th blog post,’ which means putting up three more posts before the end of the week.

Wait. That came out wrong. I just really wanted to share some highlights from my extended anniversary weekend (truly extended – we decided to stay an extra night and just got back today!) in Long Island.

We were fortunate enough to stay in a family-owned summer home, for free, alone.  It’s the same house my dad spent every summer in as a kid, and where my paternal grandparents lived full-time later in life, so it was a booze-filled terrific walk down memory lane.

I had a wonderful time, but I missed you so much that I kept seeing mustaches everywhere:

I had big plans for this chair. Then I just got drunk.

And I finally had that lobster roll I’d been coveting ever since Rachel’s Table‘s husband ate one while wearing a slap bracelet:

I also had the opportunity to reenact a tragic moment from my childhood – when my sister got clocked in the head by a mini golf club. Let’s just say my brother had an overzealous swing.

This would have been a better reenactment if we had had fake blood. A LOT of fake blood.

Oh and there was this – bonus points if you know who I’m impersonating:

I’ll give you a hint: WHOA.

Also? Lest you think I said I had gone drinkin’ in vain…

Day 1.

Day 2.

Day 3.

Oh my gawd. I almost forgot. Peppermeister (Husband #1) didn’t want me to say that he likes to take ‘arty’ pictures, so, um, I made this collage instead:

Speaking of not arty pictures, Uncle Jesse wants you to know he also had a great time:

Have you had any memorable (and/or guilty pleasure-ful) trips or experiences so far this summer?

P.S. – If you’re wondering about the title of this post, I don’t want to talk about it.

Let’s just say we found this secret garden and it’s full of secrets.

Gone Drinkin’

Drinking-Champagne

I know! My supply is running low.

The title of this post implies that I’ve gone off to do something I don’t normally do. Ha ha. Well. Let’s go with it.

That’s right. I’m going fishing drinking.

Peppermeister and I celebrate our 4th anniversary today, and we’re headed to Long Island ’til Sunday. My extended family has a little house by a bay where I haven’t visited in 10 years, so I’m pretty excited to return. Even if the weather is crap.

Chipmunk-Painting-by-Schmetz

This piece of Schmetz is my anniversary present. …What? The artist’s name is Schmetz!

The house doesn’t have internet access, which I’m nervous depressed confused about okay with. We’ll have, um, cruiser bikes…and bocce ball…and love. So that’s something.

I guess this is goodbye for a few days?

Holy chipmunks.

Don’t forget me.

I love you?

P.S. – Oh who am I kidding? My phone has 3G.

You Know You’re a Guilty Pleasure Enthusiast When…

Yesterday, while on my lunch break, I headed to the nearby liquor store to take advantage of their competitive Korbel champagne prices. (What’s it called when you have beer taste on a beer budget?) I wanted to celebrate the positive 2011 performance review I had just earned when I got home that evening. Suddenly, I started laughing. I knew what my next blog post would be about.

You Know You’re a Guilty Pleasure Enthusiast When…

 1.) You Start Embellishing Life Events to Make Them a Cause for Celebration, i.e., Champagne

It's THURSDAY! Er, CHEERS!

As it is, I toast to myself every Friday night for making it through another work week, but lately I’ve come up with reasons, mid-week, to celebrate. Last week, it was reaching a significant milestone in a project. The week before that, I celebrated finding delicious, cheap champagne at Trader Joe’s by drinking said champagne.

Next week, I suspect matching socks will earn me some of this liquid happy.

2.) You Have to Give Up Vampire Diaries on Your DVR to Make Room For 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation and American Idol

This was a tough one for me to give up on the DVR, which only allows me to record two shows at once. Unlike my early dismissal of MTV’s Teen Wolf, I’ve been holding out hope for CW’s The Vampire Diaries. Believe it or not, it wasn’t the brooding vampire brothers, but rather side character, Caroline, who really won me over. She’s got layers, people.

Oh Thursday nights, why are you such a cornacopia of television goodness?

3.) Your Co-Workers Laugh at Your Breakfast

I see nothing wrong with the two giant slices of leftover pizza on my desk, thank you very much. Keep it up and tomorrow it will be egg salad.

4.) You Watch a Movie Starring Ginnifer Goodwin and Kate Hudson Three Times in One Week

Something Borrowed. I am completely obsessed. It’s on HBO OnDemand right now, through April 30th (which, incidentally, is my 30th birthday. This movie happens to open with the lead character’s 30th birthday. …I’m seriously starting to see cosmic signs in this. It’s not good. I even downloaded songs from the soundtrack. Intervention? Anyone?).

I’ve bawled my eyes out for a week over this movie. I’m still not sure how I want it to end; somehow the happy ending is also the bittersweet one. To me, it takes the road less traveled, as far as romantic comedies go, and despite its inherent cheesiness, there is something so genuine about the relationships. Kate Hudson executes her female d-bag role perfectly, and Goodwin’s sweetie-pie persona is irresistible. Oh! Oh! They even have a whole bit about a chipmunk (chipmunks are kind of my thing, in case you’re new here)! See what I’m saying about cosmic signs?

And I haven’t even gotten to John Krasinski yet. Suffice it to say, he’s as perfect as a chipmunk eating Dunkaroos.

Like this. Side note: if you search for "chipmunk dunkaroos" on Google image search, my blog is the first thing that pops up. My work here is done.

5.) Even Your House is Wearing a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet

It’s been there since Christmas. (The slap bracelet, not the champagne. Champagne, as I’m sure you guessed from #1 on this list, has a two-hour lifespan around these parts.)

Are you living the guilty pleasure-ful life? How so? If you’re not sure, would you be willing to try some Dunkaroos?

Photo Credits:

#1 (Vampire Diaries) – cw.com

#2 (Pizza) – capitalskremlin.blogspot.com

#3 (Something Borrowed) – poptower.com

#4 (chipmunk) – farm1.static.flickr.com

Gingerbread Pillage

There are a lot of reasons I heart my besties, Jenn and Mary. Namely:
  • They are funny.
  • They think I am funny.
  • They are smart.
  • They think I am smart funny.
But when it comes to enumerating their many qualities, the word crafty (like Martha Stewart-crafty, not Wet Bandits-crafty) doesn’t necessarily spring to mind. Nevertheless, this holiday season, I decided to push them out of their comfort zones, right into gingerbread village. To help them cope with the shock, I provided the following:

1.) A home-cooked roast chicken dinner.

2.) Encouragement Vodka.

3.) Uncle Jesse in a sweater.

4.) John Denver and the Muppets.

5.) Duct tape.

Mary says Jenn was 'icing with rage.' I say her candy cane suicide threats were empty.

We set to work.

"All the vodka in the world can't make this right."

"You will not defeat me, Gingerbread!"

One Two hours later…

Mary's gingerbread creation puts the "tree" in "treeat."

The stuffing Uncle Jesse immediately ripped out of his new toy from Mary made for really nice snow around my sleigh.

"Gingerbread houses divided will not stand." -Jenn (Image courtesy of Google Earth, Gingerbread Edition)

And in the end, the gingerbread creations [couldn’t stand the long drive home for Jenn and Mary and] were mine…all mine! Merry Christmas, me!

Any holiday crafts going on in your neck ‘o the woods, Chipmunks?

This One’s For You. Yeah, YOU!

Oh you, my darling Guilty Pleasure chipmunk*, let’s talk. Grab a chair drink. Can I just tell you something? I’ve been struggling with whether or not I should’ve emailed you at your personal email address when you subscribed to my blog. I wanna write and say, “Thank you. You’ve totally validated my existence and if you’re ever in Jersey I’ll be glad to make you dinner and let my dog lick your face raw,” but it seems like that might be a bit too intrusive. (In case I’ve worried anyone, if you’ve written me to thank me for subscribing to your blog, I was thrilled.)

Related to this, I wrote a very silly post back in April (2 months after I started this blog) which I intended to post should I ever catch that rare, Freshly Pressed unicorn (i.e., get featured on the home page of wordpress.com). Well, shockingly, I did wrangle the majestic, one-horned beast this week -when I least expected it, natch, and had long given up caring too much about it- but the post was sarcastic and clouded the true gratitude and humility I felt in responding to the exciting flurry of sweet comments.

So, lest there be ANY doubt how I feel about you, and by you I mean those who’ve ever read, and/or continue to read, my little blog, and share your lovely, hilarious thoughts (so yeah, this means YOU! Right now! You!):

*I love chipmunks. So much. This is the greatest compliment I know how to give. Besides sharing my Reese’s peanut butter cups. Or my vodka. No, no. Sorry. I got carried away. Paws off the Smirnoff.

How to Have a Guilty Pleasure Weekend in 4 Easy Steps

Guilty pleasure bubbykins, I know it’s been a few days since my last post, but get ready for me to make it up to you!! That’s right. Simply follow these 4 easy steps and you’ll be GOGP-ing in no time.

Step #1: Find out you rule even more than you originally thought, as does Lady GaGa, and brag about it shamelessly on your blog.

On Friday morning, thanks to a colleague, I discovered my Project Management Professional (PMP) certification test scores were higher than I thought. I wasn’t particularly keen on being called “moderately proficient” in all 6 test areas, but as it turns out, even scoring “below proficient” on some sections earns you a passing grade. Man. I don’t even know how I keep my head up with all these brains inside it.

On Friday I was also exposed to this brilliant GaGa performance, thanks to Hubster’s Howard Stern-listening ways:

 

Step #2: Throw caution (and your dog’s leash) to the wind and loudly sing Bruno Mars songs in the woods.

On Saturday morning, we welcomed a gloriously sunny, 80-degree day here in western New Jersey, so the fam went for a hike in the Round Valley reservoir area. Why is that a guilty pleasure, you ask? Because, aside from belting out “The Lazy Song“, we let the dog off his leash for the whole 4 miles (shhh)! Who’s a good boy? Uncle Jesse is, yes he is! Look at these little tree huggers:

I really hope my very first stalker sees this and uses it to figure out how to find me on a fair-weather weekend.

Step #3: Do anything that requires you to wear glasses like these:

Photo credit: istockanalyst.com

As for my Saturday evening guilty pleasure activity, it looks like not many of you were as interested as me in seeing the Glee 3D Concert movie, which is supposedly playing for

Work it, girl! (Photo credit: pansophiatree.tumblr.com)

only 2 weeks. Babs, my sister and I were 3 out of only 10 people in the theater. I won’t hold it against you, though, because it isn’t nearly as cool as seeing the concert live in the flesh (they filmed the 3D movie during one of the New Jersey concerts; sadly, not the one I attended). They had some touching ‘underdog’ storylines rolling between songs, but it really was a concert movie, and it’s just not all that fun to sit still and watch a concert, even on the big screen in 3D.

The best part of the concert (aside from any moment featuring Blaine [Darren Criss]) was Brittany (Heather Morris) performing Britney Spears‘ “I’m a Slave 4 U.” That girl can dance! (Sorry, I couldn’t find any quality concert clips of this on YouTube.) Mercedes (Amber Riley) singing one of my favorite Aretha songs (“Ain’t No Way”) was goosebump-inducing, too. Those kids are nauseatingly talented. Can’t wait for Season 3 of “Glee” (airs Wednesday, Sep. 21st on FOX)!

Step #4: Drink [heavily] and practice saying, “The pee-pee does the picking.”

You can take the girl out of Jersey... (Photo credit: http://www.castingduo.com)

On Sunday, all the rain that was ever in the sky decided to fall at once, giving me the perfect excuse to stay inside and do nothing (though it did put a damper on previous ‘mini swim party’ plans I was looking forward to). If drinking vodka tonics and watching reruns of my new favorite show, “Millionaire Matchmaker“, counts as nothing, that is. And I kind of like to think of it as conducting research for you fine people. I may write a post dedicated to this startlingly amazing show, but in the meantime, tune into Bravo since they’re airing marathons practically ’round the clock. If you hate the matchmaker (Patti Stanger) for the first 5 minutes, beware. So did I.

GOGP’s Guilty Flavor of the Week – Week 4!!!

Oh my, guilty pleasure pumpkins, you want MORE this week? Kate and William put on a magnificent hat show, I mean, got married, and we slayed bin Laden and threw his corpse into the ocean! Well okay, I know, like me, you’ll never be satisfied, so here we go…

GOGP‘s Guilty Flavor of the Week is coming to you RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

It’s like the time you got Famous Amos cookies from the vending machine at work and TWO packages fell out!!

It’s so much awesomer than the moment you realized you were old enough to start swearing without getting in trouble!!!

And it’s so, so much better than winning the lottery, blowing it all on fast cars and gambling while extended family members crawl out of the woodwork asking why you don’t love them enough to pay off their debt!!!!

This week’s Guilty Flavor of the Week award goes to…

HOARDING the best Easter basket filler ever:

…just kidding (not really at all).

This week’s REAL Guilty Flavor of the Week honor goes to…

The Daily Show’s May 2nd Moment of Zen! Wrong but oh-so-right, like any true guilty pleasure:

OR CLICK HERE: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-may-2-2011/moment-of-zen—we-just-killed-bin-laden