Category Archives: Chipmunks Forever

You’re Not Going to Believe This Shiz.

Something happened recently, Chipmunks. Something so mind-frenchingly miraculous, only a moving picture show could capture it:

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You heard saw right.

A man named Chip Monck is following my blog!

This is not a joke. Nay. This is the best thing to ever happen to me, apart from discovering chocolate-covered bacon:

Chip-Monck-comment-follow

So let’s all give a warm welcome to Chip Monck at MANagING maNIA!

As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve found a new bloggy soul mate! Dawn at Fit to Teach! Look what she just emailed me:

I told her I need to get married all over again. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses.

I told her I need to get married all over again in order to include ‘stache glasses. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses.

Lastly, some shout-outs to my video blog accessories crew:

Do you have any questions for a man called Chip Monck? I have a thousand. Any favorite people or blog names?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

About these ads

Gone Drinkin’

Drinking-Champagne

I know! My supply is running low.

The title of this post implies that I’ve gone off to do something I don’t normally do. Ha ha. Well. Let’s go with it.

That’s right. I’m going fishing drinking.

Peppermeister and I celebrate our 4th anniversary today, and we’re headed to Long Island ’til Sunday. My extended family has a little house by a bay where I haven’t visited in 10 years, so I’m pretty excited to return. Even if the weather is crap.

Chipmunk-Painting-by-Schmetz

This piece of Schmetz is my anniversary present. …What? The artist’s name is Schmetz!

The house doesn’t have internet access, which I’m nervous depressed confused about okay with. We’ll have, um, cruiser bikes…and bocce ball…and love. So that’s something.

I guess this is goodbye for a few days?

Holy chipmunks.

Don’t forget me.

I love you?

P.S. – Oh who am I kidding? My phone has 3G.

DOH!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Chipmunks.

I’m losing it. (Louise, expect a call any day now.)

Help me.

The proof is in this post, a.k.a., The Worst Post Ever.

Last night, I got a magical email from someone regarding evidence that a Mini Me exists in this otherwise colorless, desolate, mustache-deprived world.

For the first time since I saw this, I felt complete.

And yet.

Somehow.

I don’t know how it happened, except I think I do, and it involves vodka-soaked cherries.

I deleted the email! Or I must have, because it’s no where to be found. (Thank my lucky Chipmunks Peppermeister saw it before it disappeared, otherwise I would think I made the whole thing up.) I checked every folder, and my phone, then every folder again, then wept into my coffee, then wrote this post, to:

1) Ask the mother of the most awesome child in the universe if she can kindly resend the email to the biggest nincompoop on the planet, and,

But then there is the more fun.

2) Warn you. Everything they say about blondes is true, especially Clairol-enhanced blondes like me. Expect posts about purses that double as dog carriers and/or alien abductions any day now.

Don’t be a cotton-headed ninnymuggins like me and forget to enter the latest mustache glasses giveaway (deadline: Thursday, July 19, 2012, 12pm EST)!

P.S. – You guys are seriously like adorable, little, chubby-cheeked miracles. My comments and inbox are alight with your splendor. So much so that I think I must launch a weekly feature for the rest of the summer to prove it. Stay tuned. Heck, it can only go up from here.

Photo credit (chipmunk)

July ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway!

There’s no stopping this much awesome.

Ch-ch-ch Chia Pets Chipmunks!

It’s official. I’m addicted to giveaways. I had so much fun with last month’s mustache glasses giveaway, that I’m planning to do this on the regular!

So.

If you’re interested, entering is as easy as falling in love with a second spouse:

In the comments section below, tell me what one famous person, dead or alive, you’d like trapped on a deserted island with you (and why).

I’ll  choose a favorite and make their wildest dreams come true on Friday, July 20, 2012. This winner can pick a pair of ‘stache glasses (by browsing here), and I’ll have them shipped as a gift, from my guilty pleasure-full heart to theirs.

Don’t think that’s amazing?

Just ask last month’s winner, Louise, from dearchristiancounselor!

“I am now happily communing with the chipmunks! Sometimes it helps to go incognito. All the chirping and twitching can make me feel a little NUTS.”

I know. She’s great.

Deadline: 12pm noon EST, Thursday, July 19, 2012.

Print that’s as fine as some people think Channing Tatum is, but, really? What kind of relationship could you possibly have? Especially if he’s at the gym all day? And can he play the guitar or sing? I don’t think so! Get off my deserted island, Abs McIsActingReallyYourCalling! (Please refer to Second Husband and his nerdy tweets to understand my trapped-on-a-deserted-island tastes.) 

Oh right, the Fine Print: This giveaway is open to anyone who is willing and able to enter, and to email me their address in the event that they’re the winner. If you have any trouble leaving a comment in the comments section below, you can enter via email: Julie(dot)Davidoski(at)yahoo(dot)com. One submission per person.

As a reminder, I am no way affiliated with this company (SunStaches). I’m just a giveaway junkie. Hey now. You just leave the judging to me.

And I judge that I love you.

And the Winner of the Cage Fight, I Mean, ‘Stache Glasses IS…

You Chipmunks are so clever. That’s why I do these things.

And you’re no fools, either. Most of you wisely appealed to my vanity and/or fantasy life with your amazing ‘win a pair of mustache glasses‘ entries, in which I asked you to submit a juicy, probing question.

As promised, I have picked a favorite question and am answering it here. This particular entry really stuck with me; much like scorpion paperweights, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even when I wanted to.

So please, raise your tiny, adorable, chipmunk paws and give a warm round of applause to…

dearchristiancounselor!

Dearchristiancounselor’s (a.k.a. Louise’s) question was:

If you and [your mom] Babs had a cage fight, who would win and how?

Louise, needless to say, it got really, really ugly between Babs and me. Before I reveal the winner of the cage fight, let me take you back in time, to how it all started…

Babs and I were spending another typical Saturday out shopping, me shielding her from mom jeans, her encouraging me to spend actual money. Of course we were ultimately killing time until booze o’clock. We figured we could make it until at least noon.

12:01pm.

A few [dozen] Long Island Iced Teas in, Babs decided she couldn’t stay away from Talbots any longer.

“If you do this, Babs, we’re through,” I threatened. Had she forgotten so soon? This was the very same clothing store that suggested, just one year ago, I try their curvy line of pants.

“Just five minutes,” she pleaded. I watched her pass through the wretched red doors in disbelief.

She emerged, as promised, five minutes later, wearing pleated khaki pants, a braided leather belt, white mock turtleneck and navy sweater vest with apples and pears stitched on it.

“I can’t even look at you,” I muttered.

“Listen, Chipmunk-san, do you want to take this to the cage?”

I considered her for a long moment. In that get-up, she wasn’t my mother. She was the enemy.

“You’re on!” I cried.

A Talbots saleswoman in a referee jersey appeared, and pretty soon we were pulling out our best roundhouse kicks and other things that people may or may not do while cage fighting.

“I loved you too much, was that the problem?” Babs cried, shielding herself from my [cute yet affordable] high-heeled kicks.

“You never bought me that American Girl doll!” I hollered back. “Samantha was all class, all the time! I had to learn how to eat petit fours by myself! What did you think was going to happen?”

“You never comment on my Facebook pictures,” she continued in the same martyred voice.

“Tap shoes! I said. “Remember those? Of course you don’t! I don’t either!” I ducked before she could ruin my make-up.

“And we never talk about ‘NSync anymore. Remember when you bedazzled that striped fleece shirt to say ‘Justin’ for the one concert?”

I narrowed my eyes, “Just for that, I’m never having kids.”

Babs paused, her fist in the air. She lowered her arm and replied, “Good. I don’t even like your dog.”

My jaw dropped. While I tried to gather myself, she clocked me right where it counts – in the heart.

And so, unsurprisingly, the winner of the cage fight is:

Babs.

She fights dirty.

Congrats, Louise! Email me your address and your ‘stache glasses of choice, and get ready to become the most illin’ chipmunk on the block!

Didja have fun? Should I make this a recurring contest? (With a new topic each time?)

New Name. Same Beloved Blog.

Ay caramba, Chipmunks! What do you think?

That’s right.

I am now officially:

Go Jules Go

As I explain in my updated About page, the reason for saying goodbye to the “Go Guilty Pleasures” blog name can be boiled down to:  I got tired of search engines sending people here after they sought ‘naked gypsy girls’ and ‘strippers covered in ketchup.’

Other than that, you’re gonna find the same ol’ side pony-sportin’ Jules with the same ol’ stories about the guilty pleasure-ful life. Except better. Because I have so many hilarious tales that don’t involve guilty pleasures. …That may be a lie. I’m pretty sure every story I have involves a guilty pleasure of some kind. And I haven’t even realized it yet.

Maybe I’ve made a huge mistake here.

A Few Notes:

  1. A big thank you to anyone who’s ever mentioned my blog on your site. I still own goguiltypleasures.com, so folks using the old link will be redirected here.
  2. I am retiring my fledgling GoGuiltyPleasures Facebook account and focusing my attention on Chipmunks-4-President this exceptional blog and Twitter (@JulieDavidoski). For now. 
  3. I have some ideas about how to upgrade your GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelets to version 2.0 slap bracelets. Because I’m a visionary like that. Stay tuned.
A question to bloggers – have you made any tough blog-related decisions? Do you think you have a ‘brand’? To non-bloggers – if you had a blog, what would it be about?

Slap Bracelets Comeback – The GRAND (Oh, it’s Grand) Finale!

Well, fashion-forward Chipmunks. The time has come. I’ve given away nearly 200 slap bracelets since December, and your response has made my guilty pleasure heart soar.

I think we’ve done it. We’ve brought them back. A quick Google search of “slap bracelets” proves this. They’re everywhere. (Add “chipmunks” to that search and see what happens!)

Congratulations to you for being so awesome.

Oh and a final tip before we view some FLIPPIN’ FANTASTIC PHOTOS – I’ve noticed my few remaining slap bracelets are suffering from lackluster snappiness. Perhaps it’s the gawd-awful Jersey humidity. Anyhoo, it seems they like being stored rolled up, instead of flat. Here’s a helpful illustration:

And now – onto the final pictures (posted, as always, in the order in which they were received)! If you’d like to see past slap bracelet pictures, or Go Guilty Pleasures slap bracelets across the blogosphere, scurry over to my Slap Bracelets page. And of course, if any other photos roll in, you know I’ll be thrilled to brag about post them.

#1 – A.J.’s Mom From BibeAutyful

A.J.’s Mom and I bonded over the gloriousness that is guilty pleasure gift basket giveaways. Her submission [to win the basket] was wonderful (and earned her an Honorable Mention). I’m very excited to post her pictures and introduce any newcomers to her blog! I mean, just look at her annotations! You do me proud, A.J.’s Mom.

Finally! Slap bracelets at the Royal Wedding!

This one has inspired me in so many ways:

#2 – Angie Z. from Childhood Relived

Chipmunks, I don’t even know where to start here. Peppermeister (Husband #1) just told me that I was talking in my sleep the other night (I blame the heroin cough suppressants); apparently I said the name “Angie” as I was chattering away incoherently. When he asked who I was talking to, I sleep-responded, “My bud, Angie, from Go Guilty Pleasures!” (I’m absolutely certain I used my own blog name so he would understand.)

Angie, I’m sorry if that creeps you out, but I really just love you a lot. You even got me to share my horrifying kid pics. If people don’t understand why I feel this way, all they need to do is read this slap bracelet letter and see the accompany photos, which take us back to a simpler time, when slap bracelets weren’t yet shanks.

Dear Jules,

I received my snap bracelets in the mail and couldn’t be happier.  They are everything I ever wanted in vinyl wrist accessories.

In fact, what I would’ve given to have them years ago.  (I could’ve been the coolest girl in high school.)  What I would’ve given to have them in the summer of ’93, just in time for my senior year photo shoot.

Can you believe we’re seniors?  It’s gone so fast!

After giving it some thought, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands — quite literally.  Because who says you can’t reinvent the past?

That’s right — with my very own snap bracelets, I decided to recreate my senior pictures.  I happen to have some of my old clothes even — the early ’90s certainly paved the way in high fashion.  I think you’ll agree that we gave up the hair bump far too soon.

I’ll always remember the homecoming party at T-Bone’s house when we karaoked to Ace of Base.  I’ll always remember how you proposed marriage to Mark Calderon from Color Me Badd.  I’ll always remember how we ruled the school in our band uniforms.  My memory is a little fuzzy on that last one.

Stay cool, never change, and never stop wearing your velvet choker,

Angie

P.S.  Why does my old letter jacket stink like Cool Ranch Doritos?

#3 – L from Trying Not to be Fat

In a short time, L has become one of my favorite favourite Canadians. First of all, she makes delicious food for a living and has great stories, and second of all, she’s very funny. Her blog focuses on her effort to lose weight, and while she needs no help from me, I keep offering to take those croissants off her hands.

I just sent L’s bracelet out on Tuesday, so she neither confirms nor denies the authenticity of THIS photo:

#4 – Kate from Katiepede’s Blog

I can’t even tell you how stoked bloody delighted I am to have another Brit in my corner. Kate has a great sense of humor, which complements her green thumb, and probably means I should never introduce her to Peppermeister. It would be love at first sapling.

She’s so thoughtful, she even brought the Jubilee to me!

#5 – She Who Must Not Be Named (but you can call her Ashley Patterson, her favorite book character)

Ashley gave me a right scare this week when she said her slap bracelets STILL hadn’t made it to Dubai after several weeks. I would have had to take down my ‘Number of Slap Bracelet Incidents: 0′ board that I keep next to my Second Husband shrine.

Luckily, there was just a little mix-up at the office, and they showed up on Wednesday, just in time for Ashley to snap some amazing pictures of…

The slap bracelet letter…

Her handbag, which didn’t think it could get any hotter, until…

Alfred, who recently graduated and is allegedly quite the braggart, never taking off his graduation cap…

Alfred’s pal, Creamy, who wanted to join the fun, but you can just imagine what Alfred had to say about that. Snob.

“Creamy, you’re bear-y nice. You’re just not cut out for this kind of pressure.”

Pictures in Dubai – the famous Emirates towers…

…And the world’s tallest tower, Burj Khalifa…

And last, but certainly not least, 3 of Ashley’s guilty pleasures: The Post-Its in her room…

Her books…

And her all-time favorite, her love dices (now THAT’S what I call well played)…

#6 – Sprinkles from How Can I Complain?

Sprinkles is one of my oldest and most cherished blog buddies. I ADORE Sprinkles, the way some people adore, well, sprinkles. She just gets it, you know? I mean, just ask her about any of TLC’s latest offerings.

Meet Sophie, whose guilty pleasure is bubble watching (I could watch this all day):

And here is Sprinkles’ new(ish) tattoo, designed by her oldest daughter – how amazing is that?

Thanks again, Chipmunks. I really believe you are special. And not special like you can’t eat cereal without spilling milk down your shirt. Special like I’d totally watch your stand-up comedy even if you used props like Bob the Snake.

I wonder what’s next*.

*I totally know what’s next.

And the Winner of the GoGuiltyPleasures Gift Basket Giveaway IS…

Happy birthday to ME, fuzzy wuzzie li’l chipmunks!

Oh wait. This isn’t about me. Right. The contest.

You did NOT make this easy.

Click play to watch me announce the winner (and runners-up)! Or you can be a total party-pooper and simply scroll down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

GRAND PRIZE – Renée from Lessons from Teachers and Twits

Renée, please consider this your open invitation to guest post on my blog any time; I know the below submission is only the tip of your guilty pleasure iceberg.

Renée’s Entry:

Okay, you know I love to break into dance. But that’s the small stuff. Another guilty pleasure?

*whispering*

I sometimes sunbathe topless in my backyard.

And there is a middle school in my backyard.

True. You cannot make this stuff up. ;-)

If you’re feeling a little sore from Renée’s victory, perhaps this picture will help.

Zeal has never been happier.

After Renée submitted her scintillating entry, I tried to Google Earth her house*. Here’s what came up:

Can you tell which house is Renée's?

That’s right, Renée, all of this is YOURS! ALL YOURS!

*If you’re feeling stalky after seeing that bikini pic, please don’t waste your time haunting the above neighborhood. That isn’t where Renée lives. And duh. Just email me for her address.

RUNNER-UP #1 – Peg from Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings

Peg’s Entry:

My guilty pleasure might surprise you.  There’s nothing I like more than spending a quiet evening playing my favorite game:  Go Guilty Pleasures, the home edition.
~*~
First I obsessively click on your blog.  If I’ve left a comment, I see if you’ve responded to my comment.  Then I go click on the Recommended Humor Blogs WordPress page to see if I’m still on there.  Then back to your blog to see if anyone has responded either to my original comment or your response to my comment.  Back to the Humor page to see if anybody else I know is cycling through the list more often than me.  Back to your blog.  I leave a follow-up comment if necessary.  Then I rate all the other comments and compare their cleverness-quotient to my comment.  If anyone else’s score even approaches mine, I spend some time worrying about that.  Finish up with just one, teensy-weensy peek back at the Humor page (with my stopwatch to catalogue relative hang-times.)
~*~
Next comes the best part of the game.  I BECOME you.  I put on the Side Pony of Super Fun-ness.  I put my custom-crafted Uncle Jesse mask on my cat, Beeby (this part isn’t as easy as it might sound). I line up some champagne (actually Asti – I’m on a budget) and break out the bacon candy bars and Reeses for snacking.  I use mice instead of chipmunks as my life coaches because they’re a lot easier to catch around my house.  That may be why they don’t really give me any advice, no matter how many times I ask. But I pretend they do while I make funny, fun faces.  I get lots and lots of guilty pleasure from taking lots and lots of pictures of myself being blondly side-ponied and fun.  A lot.
~*~
Yup, for my family, there’s no more relaxing way to spend the evening than playing Go Guilty Pleasures.  As my hubby said to me just the other night,  “Why do you keep calling me Peppermeister?  Who the hell is that??”
~*~
Happy Birthday to us!!

I told Peg I was jealous of her side-pony, because it's longer than mine, and probably curls like a dream.

Peg – here’s your loot-for-a-hoot!

RUNNER-UP #2 – Erin from Catstache

Erin’s Entry:

I voted at that link you posted, posted to facebook (i’m not sure how i will prove this with my security settings) and my blog. I have twitter but don’t use it (that’s a story for another time if you get bored) and i got the tattoo and performed the ritual sacrifice.

I emailed you this pic but incase it comes down to bloggers voting in the contest, here is the link (see below for picture).

Now for the guilty pleasures:
I sing to my cat Alex every day when i come home. I even sing as alex sometimes. I am not a good singer so he’s probably embarrassed.

Speaking of bad singing i also am a big harry potter nerd and i used to be a part of an online Hogwarts website where you took classes and met other nerds. You would think that would be a guilty enough pleasure right there as it’s terribly embarrassing but i used to compete in a yearly singing contest there called HOL idol and i would actually record myself singing and enter the contest. 0________0 SO EMBARRASSING. I wrote bad fanfic too.

As perfect as a guilty pleasure can get. Did you see the tattoo on her hand??

Erin – here’s your ‘stachey stash!

RUNNER-UP #3 – The Byronic Man

Click on the picture of The Byronic Man in drag to read his entry.

Picking just one grand prize winner was a total drag.

B-Man, may I present your winnings. ‘Cause I know how you like to get drunk and dress up.

Honorable Mentions

Renee from Life in the Boomer Lane

Renee’s Entry:

I eat entire pints of coffee Haagen Dazs in the car as I drive alone in the car. No spoon. No napkin. By the time I’m finished, both the steering wheel and I are covered with ice cream. Yum.

AJ’s Mom from Bibeautyful

Click here to read AJ’s Mom’s touching entry.

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Thank you so much, Chipmunks! You have truly made my guilty pleasure heart proud. Now – I’d better go - I’ve got a hot air balloon to catch!

I’m totally serious.

Photo credit (before annotation): http://www.sacramentohotairballoons.com/

GoGuiltyPleasures Gift Basket Giveaway!

In an effort to distract myself from the impending doom of turning 30 this month

Because I suffer from a severe shopping addiction

Everyone knows buying friends is better than making them based on genuine merit

There are giveaways, and then there are giveaways. I’ll let you guess which kind this is.

Reactions to the guilty pleasure gift basket for my brother made it clear I needed to recreate this wonder for one lucky Chipmunk. Only make it BETTER. Way better. I’ve been working on this bad boy for a while. That’s right. It’s time for the…

GoGuiltyPleasures Gift Basket Giveaway!

What? No, those are NOT tears in my eyes...

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Vosges Mo’s MILK Chocolate Bacon Bar

Tasting is believing.

Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns

Who says God doesn't exist?

GoGuiltyPleasures Slap Bracelets (4)

They're fashionable AND practical.

Pop Tarts and Barnum’s Animal Crackers

You might win these...IF they last that long.

Cutting Edge on DVD

My second favorite movie of all-time. TOE PICK!!!

Wine Monkey Wine Caddy

You didn't know you needed this, did you?

AN Autograped Picture of My Dog, Uncle Jesse

He doesn't do this for just anyone, you know.

“CHIPMUNKS ROCK” Sticker

Sometimes it's important to state the obvious.

Nutella and Peanut Butter and Company’s Dark Chocolate Dreams Peanut Butter

Who needs jelly?

TALKING Mustache KEY CHAIN

I don't know how you've managed to live without this, either.

Approximate value: Priceless.

“How the fudge do I get my paws on that?” I’m sure you’re wondering. It’s easy!

How to Win the Ultimate GoGuiltyPleasures Gift Basket

1.) Link to this blog post on your blog and/or Facebook and/or Twitter account(s). (I’m @Julie_Davidoski on Twitter, and GoGuiltyPleasures on Facebook – links over on my side bar —>).

2.) Get a tattoo of my likeness (minus 30 lbs.) on a part of your body that is regularly visible, and send me a picture of your family members and coworkers admiring it.

Kidding.

The real 2.) Tell me a true story involving you and a guilty pleasure. Leave it in the comments section below, or send it to me via email. No word count restrictions, but please do remember this is a family-friendly blog.

The winner will receive all of the items above. Two runners-up will also get some guilty pleasure lovin’ – 4 GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelets and a Vosges Mo’s milk chocolate bacon bar!

For two runners-up. Booya!

Entries will be judged by yours truly on creativity, style and my mood at the time of judging humor. Winning entries will be posted here for all to enjoy!

Deadline: Sunday, April 29, 2012 12pm EST. (So sorry, but due to shipping costs, the 1st place prize can be awarded to U.S. and Canada residents only.)

The winner will be announced on MY BIRTHDAY!!! Monday, April 30, 2012.

Who’s in?

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE WINNERS!

My Life Coaches Prep Me for the Big 3-0

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on the whereabouts of my life coaches, Zest and Zeal.

You might recall their infamous post-Christmas shenanigans. I’ve since moved the vodka to a higher shelf in the freezer, and confiscated the handcuffs. Nevertheless, old habits die hard…

In fact, it would appear they’ve even started having secret meetings. I fear a cult is forming, and these young recruits will soon do their bidding.

This can't be good.

Nothing to see here, Jules...

For Champagne's sake, Zest and Zeal, not the children, too!

Despite their unsavory reputation, I find myself turning to Zest and Zeal for advice. You see, something terrible is about to happen. And I can’t stop it. It’s almost as terrible as when someone tells you “you have a pretty face” or when I learned you can’t legally buy Kinder Surprise eggs in the United States.

I’m about to…

…Well, you see…

It’s just that…

Dangnabbit. I’m turning 30 in 3 weeks!!! And I don’t like it one bit. So, with an old, decrepit and heavy heart, I sought out Zest and Zeal last night. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Guys, I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Zeal: Here, have another drink.

Me: F&*%. How’d you get my vodka?

Zest (glancing nervously at Zeal): You know, Jules, you’d look really good with green hair.

Me: Ha ha. Thanks for bringing that up. Thanks a lot. You’re supposed to be making me feel better.

Zest: Um…Second Husband? Glee? Champagne? Cats dressed like Easter bunnies? Titanic in 3D?

Me (starting to smile, then frowning): But won’t I be too old for all of that? 30-year-old women aren’t supposed to eat animal crackers just because they come in a cute little box with a string. And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have a Jersey Shore wall calendar in the kitchen. And, oh god. I bet the next time I go to the MAC make-up counter they’re going to call me ma’am.

Zeal (hiding the vodka behind his back): Jules. Jules, Jules, Jules… On the road of life, there are many winding, um… roads.

Me: Shut up.

Zeal: I wasn’t finished. (takes deep breath) There are many winding roads, and you need to learn to…um…put on the brakes and stop and smell the…deer…poop.

Me: I hate you.

Zeal: Why don’t we just SHOW you how good life after 30 can be?

Me (narrowing eyes): The last time you said you wanted to show me something, it involved a bb gun and Kate Gosselin wigs.

Zeal: You said you liked it!

Me: I was…just trying to be…polite…

Zeal: Listen. Do you want our help or not?

Zest: Isn’t he as cute as a peanut when he’s frustrated?

Me (muttering): …I’m going to regret this, but… Fine. Show me.

Zest: There's always retail therapy. DSW Shoe Warehouse doesn't care HOW old you are. They'll still take your money. Trust me. I know. I've taken your money there lots of times.

Zeal: You're old enough now that you can drink vast quantities, I mean, higher qualities, without winding up here. And when your friends' kids get married? Oh boy. They'll be disappointed if you don't sidle up to the open bar and then insist on dancing with all their friends.

Zest: I'm PRETTY sure by the time you're 40, polygamous relationships will be legal in New Jersey.

Zeal: That reminds me, I think in another 10 years, you'll be able to grow a lot more than soy beans in this windowsill...

Zest and Zeal: Plenty of things get better with age, Jules. Including you.

Me: Gosh. Thanks, guys. I actually do feel better now. …Zest? Zeal? Where’d you go? Aw, crud. I’m getting too old for this sh*t.

Have you ever gotten any good (or bad) advice about getting older? How do you cope with the aging process?