You Chipmunks are so clever. That’s why I do these things.
And you’re no fools, either. Most of you wisely appealed to my vanity and/or fantasy life with your amazing ‘win a pair of mustache glasses‘ entries, in which I asked you to submit a juicy, probing question.
As promised, I have picked a favorite question and am answering it here. This particular entry really stuck with me; much like scorpion paperweights, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even when I wanted to.
So please, raise your tiny, adorable, chipmunk paws and give a warm round of applause to…
dearchristiancounselor!
Dearchristiancounselor’s (a.k.a. Louise’s) question was:
If you and [your mom] Babs had a cage fight, who would win and how?
Louise, needless to say, it got really, really ugly between Babs and me. Before I reveal the winner of the cage fight, let me take you back in time, to how it all started…
Babs and I were spending another typical Saturday out shopping, me shielding her from mom jeans, her encouraging me to spend actual money. Of course we were ultimately killing time until booze o’clock. We figured we could make it until at least noon.
A few [dozen] Long Island Iced Teas in, Babs decided she couldn’t stay away from Talbots any longer.
“If you do this, Babs, we’re through,” I threatened. Had she forgotten so soon? This was the very same clothing store that suggested, just one year ago, I try their curvy line of pants.
“Just five minutes,” she pleaded. I watched her pass through the wretched red doors in disbelief.
She emerged, as promised, five minutes later, wearing pleated khaki pants, a braided leather belt, white mock turtleneck and navy sweater vest with apples and pears stitched on it.
“I can’t even look at you,” I muttered.
“Listen, Chipmunk-san, do you want to take this to the cage?”
I considered her for a long moment. In that get-up, she wasn’t my mother. She was the enemy.
“You’re on!” I cried.
A Talbots saleswoman in a referee jersey appeared, and pretty soon we were pulling out our best roundhouse kicks and other things that people may or may not do while cage fighting.
“I loved you too much, was that the problem?” Babs cried, shielding herself from my [cute yet affordable] high-heeled kicks.
“You never bought me that American Girl doll!” I hollered back. “Samantha was all class, all the time! I had to learn how to eat petit fours by myself! What did you think was going to happen?”
“You never comment on my Facebook pictures,” she continued in the same martyred voice.
“Tap shoes! I said. “Remember those? Of course you don’t! I don’t either!” I ducked before she could ruin my make-up.
“And we never talk about ‘NSync anymore. Remember when you bedazzled that striped fleece shirt to say ‘Justin’ for the one concert?”
I narrowed my eyes, “Just for that, I’m never having kids.”
Babs paused, her fist in the air. She lowered her arm and replied, “Good. I don’t even like your dog.”
My jaw dropped. While I tried to gather myself, she clocked me right where it counts – in the heart.
And so, unsurprisingly, the winner of the cage fight is:
Babs.
Congrats, Louise! Email me your address and your ‘stache glasses of choice, and get ready to become the most illin’ chipmunk on the block!
Didja have fun? Should I make this a recurring contest? (With a new topic each time?)
Go Jules Go 
I got exhausted reading this ( in a good way!)
Might I suggest a Long Island Iced Tea to calm your nerves?
Good idea!
This post was my favorite ever…seriously, you’ve outdone yourself. I can’t even begin to describe the awesomeness here. All I can utter out is “Facebook photo comments” and “Talbots”! Great question…congrats, Louise!
Ditto.
Aw, shucks, Angie and Peg! Thank you! I think if I got paid to write imaginary conversations for a living, things would get really scary, really fast.
…Wait, isn’t that what writers do? Uh oh.
Hahahahaha!! Brilliant! (The theme from “Rocky” is playing in my head.) Congrats to Louise; can’t wait to see a photo of her wearing her well-deserved ‘stache for that crazy/intriguing question. And hey – no heart breaking here; give that sweet pup a smooch and hug from me.
Congrats on the big cage fight win, Babs!. That’ll teach Jules to mess with her mamma like that.
Oh, and I’m lovin’ the Talbots look. Jules just doesn’t realize guys think it’s ‘hot.’ Sometimes she just doesn’t get it, does she?
I heard Second Husband digs Talbots on his women as well. Now, I’m seeing red doors in her future!
LOL Babs, I’m still licking my wounds, or, rather, drowning my sorrows. I don’t suppose you have any Sangria left?
Haha great post!! Your mum is super cool,,,,and Talbots isn’t all that bad,,(snicker,snicker)
Thanks, Nikki! Babs is the Mommasita Extraordinaire. And for the record, she really COULD kick my bum. Even in pleated pants.
Holy hilarious! Omg!
Thanks, Renee! And psst, now you know why I never want to cross Babs. 😉
The mock turtleneck was bad. The fruit decals on a sweater vest? You had no choice 🙂
Tori! I knew you would understand. I’m still trying to get the image out of my mind.
Fruit decals and sequined high heel designs on sweaters are automatic grounds for cage fighting. Babs had it coming, even though she ended up winning the brawl, anyway. 😉
Thank you for your support, Dana. I can’t decide what hurts more, these bruises or my heart. I just know I’ll never get the image of that vest out of my head… 😉
Well OBVIOUSLY she was gonna win. You were outmatched from the start. I mean, look at her drink fortifications and look at yours! You never had a chance, Jules.
And bedazzled Justin shirts? Oh, Babs. Low blow. Nobody wants to have to remember their boy band crushes. It is a dark dark time in any girl’s teenaged life. For shame. And I will neither confirm or deny my intense crush on whatshisface from NKOTB. Nor my heartbreak when my mom didn’t get me tix to their concert. I had a very deprived childhood, as you can see! 🙂
ha ha! Exactly. I think she had the whole thing planned out. The punishment is worse when it’s premeditated, right Misty [‘s Laws]?
No wonder you want us to adopt you. I’m bedazzling a Joey McIntyre fleece v-neck for you right now…
Pfft… you can HAVE Joey. I was on team Jordan all the way. 🙂
Oh, Jules, I’m not biter. Oh shoot, did I say biter … I meant bitter. There is a 2nd prize, right?? 🙂
Congrats to dearchristiancounselor on the win. Well played DCC. Well played.
Oh MJ, your entry was amazing! I could have just posted it here and not had to worry about getting my chipmunk tail kicked. I can’t decide if I’m confused or buoyed by the fact that people think there’s any competition when it comes to Second Husband and anything else. I may have to make my devotion more apparent. PowerPoint, watch out.
Jules, I am shocked and appalled that you would say anything but “yes ma’am” to your sainted mother, who labored for 12 hours to bring you into the world, and do you ever even call her? Or ask how my day is going? When I think about all I’ve sacrif..I mean SHE has sacrificed. Never mind.
Gotta go with you on the Talbots outfit, though. Those appliqued sweaters and vests are just wrong. Unless you’re a teacher – then it’s part of the dress code.
Congrats to Louise – great question!
Ha! Peg, I’m glad you can see reason here, even though those giant appliqué pears and apples are blinding.
Lol that was quite the intense cage fight!
Marta, I thought of you when I wrote about Samantha! I’m still jealous 😉
Lol… Love the American Girl Doll reference! I was all about those gals and their books growing up! Felicity was my favorite.
Thanks, Sarah! ME TOO. They only had three back when I was reading the books – Molly, Samantha and Kirsten. Even the physical books themselves were so awesome – high quality with beautiful paintings every few pages. I would just stare at the pictures, totally lost in the world, especially Samantha’s!
crack me up! ‘I had to learn to eat petit fours by myself’….where does your mind go get these references…ahhh ha.
LOL! I don’t know if I should admit this, but I’m totally obsessed with petit fours, and I think Samantha *is* to blame. Babs actually tries to find me good ones for special occasions, like, the kind you have to refrigerate. I guess that’s better than a stupid, old doll…sigh…I GUESS…
You are hilarious!!! I think moms everywhere always win the cage match. And even if they “technically” lose, you never know, they always have some little tidbit in their pocket to make you regret winning on a technicality. Way to hold your own though, valiant effort.
I hope you’re working on your own book like The Bloggess. . . I would totally buy it!
Wow – this comment made my day! The Bloggess and her memoir are so spectacularly funny.
And you’re so right. Can you imagine the wrath if I had written that I won the fight in this post? My gawd. Just think of the coal in my stocking.
More like a Talbots sweater in your stocking! Ha!
I was fine until you described the Talbots outfit. After that, I scared my parrot with laughing. Poor guy. Definitely do this contest again!
ha ha! My sincerest apologies to your parrot, but a BIG thank you to you, Hannah! DEFINITELY going to do another contest next month 🙂
Tough love!
The toughest, Rich! And thank you SO much for the Tweet 🙂
Reblogged this on hannahkollef and commented:
So, this shit is really, really funny. I have nothing to say today (busy busy!). Take this as a beautiful, laughter-inducing placeholder.
Meanwhile I’m going to WRITE ME SOME BOOK! Go to WORK! Go to a FUNDRAISER DINNER! Clean ALL THE THINGS!
Not that last one. Hahaha no.
Thank you again, Hannah! I really, really appreciate it. And this lead-in cracked me up. “Hahaha no.” I am SO in that boat today! There has GOT to be a good reason I can’t clean today…I mean…just look at all of the blogs out there to read…
I know! Why spend time on your so called “real” room when you have a virtual world to keep intact? Hopefully, someone will start making marketable androids soon who will do all the work for us. And hopefully not
destroy the world when they’re done.
Too funny! Down and out for the count on that last “punchline!”
LOL Thanks, Susie! I should have seen it coming.
A striped fleece shirt with “Justin” bedazzled on it.
Now THAT’S rock & roll.
Ha! Of course. You would focus on that. You and Babs. Sleep with one eye open, pal.
Well played. I had to eat petit fours by myself, too, Jules. The hours I spent looking through those American Girl magazines to no avail. My mom would kick my ass in a cage fight, too. Hands down. She’s feisty.
Really, Rache?! Gawd, how did we not find each other sooner? FINALLY someone to share petit fours with while we talk about how horrible our mothers were for not buying us $100+ dolls. 😉
I’ll make the tea!
Oh Jules, you’ve really outdone yourself with this one. You made my whole weekend with the following hilarious gems: “Samantha was all class, all the time!”, “You never comment on my Facebook pictures,” bedazzling, and let’s not forget the dreaded sweater vest. It was clear from your mom’s oversized pitcher of a drink that she was always going to Take. You. Down. Well played, both of you 😉
Rian, thank you SO much! Sometimes I worry I will get so lost in my fantasy conversations that I’ll enter this inescapable “Shutter Island” realm. Hey…did you just see someone who’s the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio?
I think I’m gonna like it here.
don’t mess with Moms…they know EVERYTHING….
I have learned my lesson, Cooper! And burned that fleece shirt.
Oooh eek, your poor little dog even! You have to watch out for those moms I suppose 😉 I guess that’s why the last time we went shopping I just grabbed a dress off the rack and said try this on it will look good, and it did! But then she bought a size bigger than she needed *sigh* I guess it’s all about compromise or something *grumble grumble* thanks for that post though – it was a laugh riot 😉
LOL Well, you tried. It’s all we can do. SIGH.
Thank you so much!! 🙂
Shout out to Louise!! Congratulations on this stylish win!! I read this post in my office and everyone kept looking at me funny through the door as I cackled out loud….I do hope that even though Babs won the cage match, she has still sworn off Talbots forever…one could argue that you are scarred for life because she shopped there and that’s why you couldn’t win the cage match……Cheers!
Kathy, that makes my day to hear you getting strange stares at the office, LOL! 🙂 Thank you so much!
Do you know Babs really does still love Talbots, even after “The Incident”?? It hurts me, Kathy, it really does.
I love you too! And you’ve won a contest…5 Blogging awards actually. Come claim them! http://wp.me/p2nMI8-9W
ha ha! Thank you again so much – I am going to have to move this picture of Second Husband off my mantel to make room! 🙂
Bravo! I love that you “let” Mom win. That warms my heart. And that you let her drink her sauce right from the pitcher with her OWN straw. I pray that my own daughters strive to be like Jules.
ha ha! I’m no fool, Shannon – I hope for some great Christmas gifts from Babs this year. Like, I don’t know. Maybe a Samantha doll 😉
Thank you so much!!
What a great question, Louise! Who would have thought a question about a mother-daughter cage fight would be so entertaining? Jules, oh Goddess of Hilarity, again I must bow to you and praise Babs for bringing such a funny gal into the world.
Wouldn’t it be great if I had some sort of Goddess Scepter of Hilarity? I’d simply tap crap and make it funny. Like Two and A Half Men.
That was amazing… what would I have to do to get you to re-write the back story to my life…?
You’re a very kind man. And brave. Because I’d totally put you in that vest, too.
It already sounds better than the reality…
Oh, that Talbot’s outfit! I wish I had known about this to get in on the fun!
Best cage fight ever. You should see the outfits my mom has been into over the years although i can’t truly blame her as plus size is very limited. I applaud your efforts to save babs from unsavory talbots decisions.