You probably just stopped having nightmares over last week’s email from my mom, Babs. Remember that one? With the deer carcass? Babs had emailed graphic, carnage-ridden pictures to me, describing how her neighbor had strung up a dead deer only yards away from her back porch.
Then, a couple of days later, Babs emailed again, saying she’d bought us tickets to see Spank!, the 50 Shades of Grey parody/musical.
Surely, you’re thinking, in such a short amount of time, Jules’ mom couldn’t possibly electronic-mail any more atrocities?
Nay, chipmunks!
Behold!
Wait for it.
Subject: This Almost Killed Me…
I’m almost done with the eaves clean-out. It was a cross between a Chucky movie and a 30’s dust bowl.
Opening some of the last boxes was very scary. The mother [squirrel] nest wasn’t the straw [I’d seen] on the floor, but inside a box disguised as Christmas storage.
And the choices of nesting material? That was found in a stuffed animals/dolls box. Yup, the doll is missing her face! Plus lots of the pink insulation from the ceiling.
This was such a gross job.
xox Babs
Obviously, Babs needs her own blog. Or a new storage space.
What’s your least favorite / grossest household job?
P.S. – You have until NOON EST TODAY (Wednesday, January 30, 2013) to enter my latest giveaway – you can win custom artwork from Julie Maida!
Go Jules Go 
So a squirrel hollowed out an old Cabbage Patch Doll’s face and dropped her stuff in there? Do you feel sad? I have a slightly less attractive version from the 80s that you can have. His name just so happens to be Christian. True story.
Christian! My brother had him. That’s right, Bryan, I am outing you for having a Cabbage Patch doll. That’s what you get for not reading my blog.
Reason #12 that Babs and I and a couple of Manhattans would be an interesting combination for any flies on the wall to observe:
I thought “eaves clean out” was some sort of hipster cleansing diet and the Cabbage Patch picture was either her artistic interpretation of the effects of the cleanse OR. . . (why would I make up something this ridiculous?) some sort of pro-life statement.
Maybe I shouldn’t look for the artistic meaning behind everything. Or stop having Manhattans for breakfast.
I love the way your mind works, Debbie. Also the way you drink breakfast.
Was that a cabbage patch doll? Oh the horror…the horror.
Please, whatever you do, don’t let Hugo see this post.
Poor Babs! She has had quite the trauma these past few weeks. From hanging deer carcasses to (plastic) flesh eating squirrels. Man, your mama really needs a drink (or 4!). And yes to her having her own blog. Get on that pronto, Jules!
If only Babs drank… BWAHAHAHA.
The most important question is, do you remember the name of that Cabbage Patch Kid? Horrors! I think that was worse than the deer carcass.
YES, I DO. Poor Loretta. Poor, poor Loretta. I should hang her right next to Babs’ porch…
nooo! I’m having nightmares already!
What’s even more freaky than a doll without a face? A HANGING doll without a face. Yes, do this. Take photos.
That’s just wrong. I had a ventriloquist dummy as a kid that I brought with me to college – it sat on my bed. I went away one weekend and when I got back I walked in and found my roommate had Charlie bound, gagged and blindfolded, hanging from the ceiling. I still have trauma flashbacks.
Ahahaha. Peg. Is it wrong that I think that’s funny?
It IS wrong, Rache. Really, really wrong. But it was funny, too. I had to walk back to the dorm from the bus station in a blizzard and they waited in the room for who-knows-how-long to snap a picture when I walked in the room. Captive, hanging Charlie in the foreground and red, frozen, bundled and befuddled Peg standing in the doorway.
I need to see this photo.
You had a Cabbage Patch Doll? Lucky… 🙂
I am afraid to go into our attic. I found insulation in an outdoor window box last summer…..
Noooo. Well at least it sounds like you don’t have any Cabbage Patch dolls in jeopardy. Safe cleaning, Susie. Maybe get a hazmat suit.
Good idea!
Somehow totally scarier than the dead deer!
I know. I feel like I can see its soul.
every household job is my least favourite and grossest
Preach! My next blog contest is going to be to win the opportunity to clean and fix…EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE! Who’s in?!
I vote for Robin Coyle
I never got a Cabbage Patch Kid. 😦 Hey, at least your vinyl is safe.
Speaking of my White album and all, have any idea what I can do with these old records?
There’s definitely a resale market for vinyl, especially if they’re in good condition. A lot of sound & music people have never gotten away from it, and many audiophiles actively collect. Maybe eBay?
Man, I didn’t even notice the vinyl until this comment thread. Name your price, JM.
Thanks, but I’m selling mine too! Pretty much all 80’s hair metal bands. Plus, of course, Duran Duran.
Babs,
I will give you thirty-dollars for that Doors Album.
-Soul Walker
Sold.
E-mail me and tell me where to send the check:
asoulswalk@lavabit.com
Don’t worry. You can use the footprint on her birth certificate to get a positive ID.
Babs totes needs her own blog. Or…. guest blogger?
HA! Speaking of insanely clever writers… I need to make sure you kept on your pinky swear this semester, woman.
You really can’t get a lot more disturbing than a doll with its face missing. How confident are you that these aren’t demon squirrels?
As confident as I am that I could go 48 hours without saying totes. …Sh*t.
Or: As confident as I am that I chose the right “As confident as I am…” joke for this comment reply.
I could do this all day.
I know I won’t stop you. Please continue.
As confident as I am that Second Husband reads this blog.
As confident as I am that I won’t drink a fifth of vodka tonight.
As confident as I am that Project Management is my calling.
As confident as I am that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all time.
Seriously, Sout Walker. All. Day.
What I love about Citizen Kane is that I always think I’m not quite sure I got it at the end… every single time I watch the film. Every single time. It’s kind of like reading a T.S. Eliot poem.
Ha! Oh gawd. I took an entire class in college dedicated to T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.” It was hideous, but I got to feel really pompous for about 3 months.
Poor B Man. This comment thread is probably making him rip his hair out.
P.S. – If you didn’t like Hugo, best to just keep it to yourself.
I am not going to lie to you Jules… The Wasteland is one of my favourite poems.
I prefer James Franco.
James Franco goes well with scotch… but then again, so do a lot of things.
Babs really does need a blog of her own and I would be her first subscriber! She is hilarious! Damn squirrels! I had a heart attack last summer when I dug out our fire pit from behind the garage and found a mouse with her babies inside the cover! I screamed like a girl and ran down the driveway!
Babs thinks I ‘make’ her emails funny when I blog about them. Puh-lease! She doesn’t need any help from me.
The ‘surprise’ element is just the worst when it comes to critters. Last summer I found a snake in the pool filter; it was RIGHT THERE when I took the lid off. It was still alive. Naturally, I turned him into a stand-up comic snake and blogged about it.
You wouldn’t be the first subscriber if I was the first subscriber. I feel the need to point that out.
That’s exactly what I was going to say! But then I thought it might be in Babs’ best interest if I let everyone else believe they’ll be her first follower.
I’ll beat you to it! LOL I am up for a challenge! Go Babs Go – create that blog (but tell me FIRST that you did so I can subscribe) Us girls have to stick together!
Babs,
Don’t listen to her. Plus, I will totally dress up as a woman if you tell me first because I am willing to take this to the next level.
-Soul Walker
For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, the pony’s eyes! They’re pleading, “Please, Babs, save me! Don’t let me end up like the Cabbage Patch doll!”
Sadly, Peg, the legs were already gone on that pony.
the horror! Will this senseless carnage never end??
I really hope not.
“Peg the legs” is making me giggle. I trust that that was intentional, Babs, for “pegoleg.”
I bet that is the name of the pony, right? Peg-o-No-Legs?
Noooooo! Oh Babs, how tragic. My sympathies on your loss.
I’m fairly convinced this is the squirrels’ attempt to act out The Godfather.
Obviously that squirrel was very young, or she’d have known that Cabbage Patch dolls used to be hard to find. You can’t deface (literally) one like that!
To think that Cabbage Patch doll made it nearly 25 years before being defaced (tee hee, good one)!
Adding another tee-hee. I love a good/bad pun.
Wow,,a faceless cabbage patch doll,,spookie. but interesting,,I see a market for that. Think of it Jules,,you could have a little squirrel black market with little squirrel workers munching day and night!
Was it weird that all I could do was stare at the doll’s belly button?
I did the same thing! I was staring at that little red speck near her belly button, too, trying to figure out if Cabbage Patch dolls bled.
I should have told you about the red feather boa. The shreds of that shiz was every where in the eaves. They really were party animals.
I was just ‘gifted’ an old Cabbage Patch Doll. I’m thinking this person was not really a friend. It creeps the shit out of me. The squirrels at my house get into everything — I now know what to feed them. And, p.s., I just sent you the best/worst drunktard photo. Maybe, not EVAR … because I have more. But, it made me giggle to hit send on that email.
And, then … this was in my reader today … It’s fate. Please share with Babs. 🙂 http://californiapixie.com/2013/01/30/life-accordion-to-squirrel-man/
And wow. My chipmunk life coaches’ fur is starting to feel a little ruffled with all this squirrel talk.
Have you met Dirk (the 4th and Forgotten Chipmunk)? Sirius XM — Kids Place Live. You must listen.
It made me giggle (a LOT) to see that photo / read that story! Thank you again!
And no, that is no friend. It’s amazing how popular those dolls were. They grew out of cabbage. Their heads were in cabbage. How drunk was the person who came up with that?
Rich drunk.
Hmmm…..this gives me a great idea. My daughter has a Chuckie/cabbage patch doll in her closet and I’m convinced it comes to life at night to eat all my twinkies and mess with my electronic scale in the bathroom. I’m thinking I need to find a way to lure some squirrels into our house now. Thanks! (by the way, my friend saw that 50 shades thing last night in Portland and she said it was absolutely hilarious)
You have a doll that eats all the junk food and messes with your scale, too?! I knew it! It’s a conspiracy even more widespread than I once thought.
And I am SO relieved to hear the show is funny. Then again, 50 Shades musical = instant blog post no matter what, so I’m good.
I agree chipmunks are vastly superior to squirrels. They don’t eat people’s faces off and can wear tiny shirts with all the letters of the alphabet while singing in unison. I only wish they could get a vocal coach, because if my childhood musical memory serves me correctly their range is total crap.
Excellent point(s). My chipmunk life coaches would like to get to know you better, but please hide the key to your liquor cabinet first or you’ll be sorry. Voice of experience.
Jules,
I think perhaps you should lure Babs into blogging with a bi-weekly feature right here. Also, I feel like I owe her a a drink for all the joy she has brought to my life. Plus if someone kicked my ass for offering to buy your mother a drink it would make a great story for your blog… and that’s really what’s important.
-Soul Walker
You get me, Soul Walker. Why do you think I agreed to see this 50 Shades musical in the first place?
Let me know how that turns out.
What the what??? This is weird on so many levels. What ever became of the pile of baby squirrels?
And here I bet you thought it couldn’t get any weirder than a sheet set giveaway in which I ironed the The Byronic Man’s face onto pillowcases.
That’s a fine question. I think they probably grew big and strong, well fed on a diet of Cabbage Patch doll face.
What a horrific scene! That’s so much worse than Chucky.
I just checked my health insurance policy and it does cover therapy. Whew.
I know this is completely unrelated to this post, but google Quokka. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna give chipmunks a run for their nuts…err…money.
O.
M.
G.
Oh Jules, you’ve got to see this….http://mcphee.com/shop/big-head-squirrel-feeder.html
HA!!! Oh. That just made my entire WEEK. Thank you.
I laughed my butt off when I first saw this! I want one for our backyard just to get some funny photos, but I don’t want to attract any squirrels! I was hoping you would get a kick of out it! Glad I made your WEEK!
sweet mother of god
your Mom needs to blog for sure 🙂
That thing invokes more nightmares than if Rasputin, a cymbal-bashing monkey and The Shining twins were all lying in wait in the backseat of my car.