Booze, Lists

The #1 Reason I Own A Monogrammed Flask…And It’s All Your Fault

The Good Greatsby‘s post about children’s birthday parties inspired me to write this latest post about my favorite possession, my monogrammed flask. I’m sure you can understand the thought progression [from ‘crying, screaming, cake-smeared child’ to ‘clandestine alcohol consumption’], so I won’t bore you with the obvious.

Kept in its original box when not in use.

As you can see, it’s a first-rate flask, its single flaw being that it is much too small. It was given to me by perhaps the only person in this world who really gets me, the lovely woman who for three years I was fortunate enough to call my Work Wife (sadly, she has moved on to greener pastures, and I find I need the flask just that much more). I dedicate this post to her, and all the things we share in common (including, but not limited to, a deep understanding and appreciation of Michael Bublé lyrics and someecards.com).

I’d like to say that that leads nicely into the #1 reason I need a flask: Work. But, I should be clear in that I’ve yet to find the nerve to bring a flask to work, and somehow just barely manage to make it through the front door each week day before letting my Grey Goose loose.

No, remarkably, it’s not work.

The #1 Reason I Own a Monogrammed Flask is:

Your Showers (Baby or Bridal and dear god don’t tell me there’s any other kind).

I don’t even know where to start, but I do know the rest of this post is going to write itself.

If I have to play Bridal Bingo or see an infant clothesline one more time, I’m going Into the Wild. Women Lose. Their. Minds. at these things. The little prizes from the dollar store might as well be Robert Pattinson‘s used napkin. It’s like being in Oprah‘s audience, except the most any of us are going home with is a hydrangea-scented memo pad (and, in my case, a migraine).

Don’t even get me started on those women who write recite a touching poem that no one can hear over the continuous cries of alleged Bingo, or the ones who are utterly convinced that they’re the first person in the world to think of melting chocolate in a diaper. And if you’re one of the women who encourages these other types (“Oh, Betsy, you are SO creative!”), you’re on my Poop List, too.

The worst is when I’m put at a table full of strangers whose fanatical expressions remind me that there is absolutely no chance of finding a like-minded soul at this shindig, and also that I must be evil (and may in fact not even have a soul, despite my willingness to wear pastel and a convincing grin), because look at how much fun everyone else is genuinely having. My only saving grace is that I’m sitting close enough to the restroom to make a quick getaway (or seven). Bottoms up, you delusional tulle junkies.

Games and poetry of any kind were banned from my bridal shower, but I still lose sleep at night thinking about how I put those nearest and dearest to me through this cursed ordeal.

It is unforgivable, but at least we’re even now.

Booze, Project Management, Uncategorized

What NOT to Say if Someone Asks if You Want to Attend a Week-Long Project Management Boot Camp

"What happens in boot camp, stays in boot camp."

 

If you don’t know what this post is going to be about, please go back and read the title. In fact, please make a point of always reading my titles. I have really good titles. Most times, I won’t repeat them in the post itself, so you should go back and read the title again after you’ve read the post, so you can truly appreciate how clever I am.

Now, where were we? Ah yes, Project Management Boot Camp. Did you know there was such a thing? I didn’t either, until I decided to look for a new position at my company and then they actually hired me. During the interview process, I was told that there was this incredible opportunity to attend a Project Management Boot Camp in Pennsylvania. Not wanting to spoil the interview, I grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

“That sounds perfect!” I said.

If everything worked out, I would attend the Boot Camp during my first week on the job.

“The timing couldn’t be better!” I said.

When I got the job, I asked,

“Who do I talk to to get signed up for this Boot Camp?”

I then found out that they weren’t calling it Boot Camp to be funny. You had to leave on a Sunday night and wouldn’t return until the following Friday night. “Evening activities should conclude by 10pm” the sample agenda read.

“It will be fine!” I told myself and registered.

On Sunday, March 6th, I drove the 45 miles southwest, trying to keep an open mind about both the Boot Camp and Pennsylvania. Now that I had bought my first home in rural New Jersey (yes, such a place DOES exist), I really needed to be more welcoming of my neighbors to the west, whose country music stations were starting to invade my radio frequency.

It was pouring rain and the two-lane highway kept abruptly turning left and right. This should have been my first clue. But no.

“I’m going to learn so much!” I thought.

I checked into my nice, but not as nice as my own bedroom, hotel room and hung up all of my outfits for the week, looking to see where the iron was, just in case. “I am a professional, wrinkle-free businesswoman now,” I said to myself.

If I hadn’t eaten before I’d left, I could have had complimentary room service.

“This is going to be like an all-expenses-paid vacation,” I mused.

At 7:30am the next morning, I filled my ice bucket so that I could tuck my vodka to bed for the day, like any good vodka sitter-slash-drinker. When I went to re-enter my room, a strange man opened the door.

“Oh, sorry, wrong room!” I said, realizing I was two doors away from my own room. I briefly recalled the time I went to the wrong house for a Christmas Eve party and stayed for 20 minutes before anyone realized it. Finally they pointed me next door. Snapping back to present day, I noticed this man had a notebook and added, “Although I think we’re headed to the same place!”

He gave me a strange look, but it didn’t dawn on me until much later that someone with a bucket of ice and someone with a notebook should NOT be going to the same place.

I recovered from the momentary embarrassment and reported downstairs to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. All five days were to start promptly at 8am. A few people were milling about, grabbing bagels and coffee, including the man I had just bumped into. “Maybe now he won’t think I’m crazy,” I thought, but watched as he took a seat at the opposite end of the restaurant.

Twenty minutes later, we gathered in the large, freezing conference room that was to be our home for the next five days. I had a panicky moment where I couldn’t find my name card, but there it was, in the far left corner, next to wrong-hotel-room guy.

“Whew! Imagine if they didn’t have me registered!”

I introduced myself and looked at all of the neat trinkets in front of me.

“I am going to get the royal treatment!” I thought, amused by the blue camouflage bandana and dog tags at my work station.

There were only 17 other people in the boot camp and I didn’t recognize anyone, even though they were all from my company. We were broken into two teams, blue and green, based on the color of our bandanas, and told that we had to wear our dog tags at all times or we’d have to buy the intructors a drink.

“What fun! My team is going to win everything!” I thought, glad I didn’t trade for a green bandana as soon as I sat down, like I had wanted to.

The two instructors both had Southern accents, which seemed to enhance the Boot Camp theme. I wondered if either one would snap during the week and tell us we were worthless little maggots. I kind of hoped they would.

“What happens in boot camp stays in boot camp,” they told us, and the first sense of foreboding came over me. I wondered how many more times people would say that stupid line before I died of boredom.

As they went over a disconcertingly vague verbal agenda for the week (they wanted some things to be a “surprise”), I quickly realized that the reason for such late nights was because we would be in lectures all day and in our teams all night, working on projects. If I thought I was going to get to watch Vampire Diaries and Glee, or ever see the light of day that week, I was sorely mistaken.

By Day 3, shortly after our team had to perform a dance number, to a song of the green team’s choosing (I would tell you more, but I’m afraid the instructors know where I live. I KNOW they know where I work), I hit a low place. A very low place. The kind of place where you think of the American Idol contestants during group week, or the poor bastards on The Real World, and for the first time ever, feel a genuine kinship. If someone brought me into a confession room just then, pointing a camera in my face, I’m not sure what I would have looked like, but it wouldn’t have been pretty. You would have been sitting at home, with your sweet dog and loving husband, judging me for binge drinking and sobbing during dinner “breaks.”

Project Management Boot Camp broke me, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to look anyone in the eye when I returned to work. (I still can’t look at the CD of photos and video clips they sent us home with.) Luckily, I’m almost as good at (BIG, FAT) white lies as I am at blog titles.

“It was a fantastic learning experience!” I said to my new manager the following Monday, staring at the cracked leather on my left boot.

“I would definitely recommend it!” I wrote, when the training department sent around a survey two days later.

Written by Julie Davidoski, Certified Project Manager (CPM)

Booze, Uncategorized

It’s 7am somewhere.

There’s really nothing I enjoy more than drinking, and I’d like to take a little time out to debunk drinking myths and challenge the pervasive taboos.

Drinking Before 5pm

If you’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day parade or to an all-inclusive resort, you’ll see that I’m not alone in ignoring this ridiculous rule. There’s a reason mimosas and bloody marys exist. And what about people working the graveyard shift? They’re not allowed to pop open a brewsky when they get home from work at 7am? That’s not a very nice way to treat our police force and medical professionals, you know.

Drinking Alone

Who ever decided that this was the surefire sign that you’re 3 seconds away from locking yourself in the garage with the car running? If you go out to dinner alone, it’s all, “Good for you, Larry!”, but taking yourself on a wine and cheese date in front of the T.V. is out of the question? I don’t drink alone because I’m lonely, I drink alone because sometimes I’m the best company around and L.I.T.s are delicious. Cheers, dammit.

Drinking to Get Drunk

Drinking isn’t so much about the flavor of the alcohol (winos, ‘fess up)  as it is the entire experience.  No one likes a slob spilling merlot on your amazing new shoulder-padded sweaterdress, but everyone who drinks likes a buzz. If they didn’t, the virgin daquiri enterprise would be a lot more successful, and non-alcoholics would know what a Coors Cutter is. Drinking is so popular because it Feels Good!

Situational Drinking

Let’s face it, there are simply some things that one cannot bear without a little help from Jimmy or Jack. For some, it’s family events, for others, it’s work. Or baby-sitting. For me, it’s club music, overcrowded bars and “Citizen Kane.” After a few Blue Moons, the 20-deep line to the bathroom doesn’t seem quite so horrendous, and combatting film snobs about their greatest movie of all time is sporting good fun.