Food, Uncategorized

Misfortune Cookies

Go Jules Go

I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…

Avoid compulsively making things worse.

I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.

The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:

You are the controller of your destiny.

…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?

But then this fortune happened:

Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.

Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.

I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:

You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.

All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?

Someone help me. Please.

So. Who’s out to get you?

Unknown's avatar

Published by Go Jules Go

I heard you like to laugh. At my expense. Sounds like you're ready to take our friendship to the next level. You won't be disappointed. I swear on teeny, tiny baby chipmunks.

781 thoughts on “Misfortune Cookies”

  1. Absolutely hilarious! It’s like all these fortunes went through the most broke translation service ever.

    Fab, fab post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Handidly deserved 🙂

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Ethel! I think they send half through the bargain translator, and then use the extra money to pay people for decades, while they work on finding the perfect balance between cryptic and disturbing fortunes. 😉

      Reply

  5. Very good and very funny article!
    Like you, I’ve gotten fortune cookies where the fortune was either badly translated, had incorrect grammar, or had unexplained pronouns (like the last one you mentioned) and it sucks! It can leave you confused or even worried/anxious. We really need some kind of agency to regulate the fortunes to stop messing with people like this.

    Reply

  7. best fortune cookies EVER. And how true that fortune cookies are, in fact, anything BUT cookies? I really hope that’s not what asian girls scouts sell in china. I couldn’t imagine those being big sellers.

    Reply

  8. I believe it’s the bin-men … why else woud they keep making that noise so early in the morning, and they post-man i giving me funny looks too!

    Reply

  9. Those are hilarious! My mom once got one that said, “Stay out of other people’s business.” She just got her licence to practice Marriage & Family counseling.

    Reply

  10. LOL. I love the last one, so ominous and mysterious. I want to know what you’re supposed to be making.
    This is great! Perhaps they should be called misfortune cookies.

    Reply

  12. Great blog piece – and pics to match.

    I got a set of fortune sticks as a present one year from Singapore – yet half of them were quite negative in their message or overall outlook. I had to stop using them because they were making me not even want to get out of bed on a morning. Next time just stick to the chocolate cookies 😉

    Congrats on front page WordPress 😉

    Reply

  13. This is soooo true!!!!!!!! BAHAHAHA I’m always afraid of opening my fortune cookies at restaurants. Last week, I got one that read “Wealth is yours.” Unfortunately, I was NOT a mega-million lottery winner. The cookie LIED!!!!!Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed too!

    Reply

    1. These cookies are such liars. But OMG. What if they’re not? Great for you, erm…not so much for me. (Or maybe what I should be ‘making’ is friends with you, so you’ll share some of your wealth ;))

      Thanks so much, Nicole!

      Reply

  14. What an awesome post! Your expressions are fantastic! You actually made me spit my coffee out I was laughing so hard. So, thanks for the great post – I enjoyed it immensely – and you owe me a coffee. Oh, and I love you too, I guess. Awkward. (Great comment header, btw.) Sarah.

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Sarah! This comment makes my day! I would GLADLY replace that cup of coffee…er, or would you take a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet instead?? 😉

      But seriously. I would love to send you one! (JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com)

      Reply

  15. I find opening fortune cookies to be disappointing. Not because of the odd somewhat cryptic things written, but because I either get no fortune, or three at a time. And who can pick from three!

    Reply

  16. Those are some of the best fortunes I’ve ever seen! Once, in the span of a month, I got “You are going to get some new clothes” twice. I took that as advice to go shopping. Recently I got “To affirm is to make firm” and “Go for it, it is ready to be pick.” Wish I knew what was ready… haha.

    Reply

    1. I thought the same thing when I saw the last one – as creeped out as I was, I still wanted to frame it and hang it on the wall 😉

      And OMG. Your ‘ready to be pick’ is sort of like my last one! Those are so great!!

      Reply

  17. No one’s told me she loved me in a very long time! So thank you, I love you too!

    That’s a delightfully original post!

    And there happens to be a story from a now out-of-print book called “101 Science Fiction Short Short Stories” entitled, “The Misfortune Cookie”. The story, written by Charles E. Fritch, is darkly hilarious–and I highly recommend the entire book for anyone (if he/she can get a used copy).

    Reply

    1. Aw, Scott, you’ve come to the right place! GoGuiltyPleasures is all about the love. It’s a happy bubble where people can let down their [crimped] hair and blast that Spice Girls album at long last. 😉

      That book sounds amazing. I used to work at a book store…I wonder if I could use my connections to get my paws on it? LOL!

      Thank you so much, and I hope to ‘see’ you again soon!

      Reply

      1. yeeheehee 🙂 i also name chipmunks on my property…idk why i’ve never told you but they’re all named after robin hood characters. my favorite is friar tuck

        Reply

  19. I swear to God I once got a fortune cookie that said “If you are hungry, eat another fortune cookie.” For reals. Not so much a fortune, as it was a suggestion haha.

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    1. Oooh, I like where you’re going with this. Hmm. Maybe they could print it on the burger wrapper? Or a toothpick with a little ‘fortune flag’ in the burger?

      Reply

  26. hahah omigosh. This happens to me a lot. Either I get one that blows my mind it’s so good or I get one that says something ridiculous like ” Be sure to brush your teeth” and it’s like what?? lol. Hilarious post.

    Reply

    1. haha! It’s so hard not to read into them, right?? I’d be like, “But I have EXCEPTIONAL hygiene, thankyouverymuch!”

      Thank you so much 🙂

      Reply

      1. Haha I know right! Either that or I get all resentful like, “EFF YOU FORTUNE COOKIE; FYI YOU AINT REAL!!” haha. Like I have something to prove.. thanks for posting this it’s awesome!

        Reply

  27. Ahhh fortune cookies, when I gave up Chinese food and switched to Japanese food, I lost out on getting my fortune told 😦

    You know what you will make when you are 30 – nothing…lol…at least nothing that isn’t important enough to know about now! Good luck with all your endevours!

    Reply

    1. Nikilee, if you gave up [Americanized] Chinese food, I think your fortune can probably be summed up with, “You will now live longer.” HA!

      Thank you so much! 🙂

      Reply

  30. Fun post. 🙂 Not sure what your “fortnes” are telling you about turning 30, but I can tell you from experience that it’s no big deal. 🙂 Even 40 went down pretty smoothly. 🙂

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  32. LOL! Too funny! That last one is pretty shitty. I thought all fortune cookies were supoosed to include some upbeat and positive message? Btw…I’m about to turn 30 too so what do I do now? lol

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  34. Oh, goodness! You are a shining star! A diva of delight! A humanoid of hilarity! A chuckle of chipmunkness! And I am so proud to be one of your minions. Many congrats on being Freshly Pressed. You so deserve it.

    Reply

    1. Tee hee THANK YOU, Renee! You are one of my most favoritest minions. I will be sure to remember you when the WordPress overlords welcome me into their exclusive lair.

      Reply

  35. I keep getting the same super obscure borderline creepy fortunes too!! And I go to all kinds of different Chinese food restaurants all over town. I’m reassured knowing that I’m not the only one but I still can’t shake this nagging sensation that someone (possibly in the fortune cookie industry) is out to get me…..Also, I’m not too far from 30 myself…eeeeeeeeeek!!!

    Reply

  36. BEST. THING. EVER. I think my head is going to implode.
    Thanks,
    -Ean
    PS: I once got as fortune cookie saying: “We want a jury! Not some Teriyaki!”
    And another: “Next time, order the shrimp”.

    Reply

    1. Thanks SO much, Ean! Those two fortunes are HILARIOUS. I am really starting to think I should create an entire blog dedicated to the messed up yet oh-so-incredible fortunes people get.

      Reply

  37. Well, I’m in my thirties, and if there’s something we’re all supposed to be making, I couldn’t tell ya. But you made Freshly Pressed, so that’s gotta count for something, right?

    Reply

    1. Stroogie, I stole a couple of minutes (erm, work? Day job? What is the meaning of this?) to check out your blog and I’m dying to get to the bottom of your relationship with Miss Piggy. Color me intrigued!

      And you’re so right. I think I have appeased the fortune cookie gods with my goofy mug ‘making’ the home page of WordPress. 😉

      Reply

    1. Me too! I really want to find out if there are websites dedicated to the fortunes people get… Thanks so much for swingin’ by, Christina! 🙂

      Reply

  42. Great article, I really enjoyed your fortune cookie messages and your facial reactions were perfect with response to the cookie message. I once had a half chocolate fortune cookie that wasn’t that bad. Looking foward to ready your next post.

    Reply

    1. Thanks so much, Dan! I don’t think I’ve EVER gotten one as unsettling as that last one, and I felt like I HAD to blog about it. Now I realize I am not alone; this is hilarious! I hope you DO post about yours 🙂

      Reply

  48. That’s so funny. I think the third one is the second half of a common saying (at least I’ve hear of it so that makes it common, right?). “Learn from other people’s mistakes, you can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” My dad used to say that to me all the time. I think it’s hilarious that they only put in the second half of that saying. That would happen to me, too. 🙂

    Reply

    1. I have to be honest and say I only now know, because of comments, about that expression! But now I think it’s even better that they made a mistake by leaving off the word ‘mistake’ in the fortune, HA! 🙂

      Reply

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