My Life Coaches Prep Me for the Big 3-0

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on the whereabouts of my life coaches, Zest and Zeal.

You might recall their infamous post-Christmas shenanigans. I’ve since moved the vodka to a higher shelf in the freezer, and confiscated the handcuffs. Nevertheless, old habits die hard…

In fact, it would appear they’ve even started having secret meetings. I fear a cult is forming, and these young recruits will soon do their bidding.

This can't be good.

Nothing to see here, Jules...

For Champagne's sake, Zest and Zeal, not the children, too!

Despite their unsavory reputation, I find myself turning to Zest and Zeal for advice. You see, something terrible is about to happen. And I can’t stop it. It’s almost as terrible as when someone tells you “you have a pretty face” or when I learned you can’t legally buy Kinder Surprise eggs in the United States.

I’m about to…

…Well, you see…

It’s just that…

Dangnabbit. I’m turning 30 in 3 weeks!!! And I don’t like it one bit. So, with an old, decrepit and heavy heart, I sought out Zest and Zeal last night. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Guys, I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Zeal: Here, have another drink.

Me: F&*%. How’d you get my vodka?

Zest (glancing nervously at Zeal): You know, Jules, you’d look really good with green hair.

Me: Ha ha. Thanks for bringing that up. Thanks a lot. You’re supposed to be making me feel better.

Zest: Um…Second Husband? Glee? Champagne? Cats dressed like Easter bunnies? Titanic in 3D?

Me (starting to smile, then frowning): But won’t I be too old for all of that? 30-year-old women aren’t supposed to eat animal crackers just because they come in a cute little box with a string. And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have a Jersey Shore wall calendar in the kitchen. And, oh god. I bet the next time I go to the MAC make-up counter they’re going to call me ma’am.

Zeal (hiding the vodka behind his back): Jules. Jules, Jules, Jules… On the road of life, there are many winding, um… roads.

Me: Shut up.

Zeal: I wasn’t finished. (takes deep breath) There are many winding roads, and you need to learn to…um…put on the brakes and stop and smell the…deer…poop.

Me: I hate you.

Zeal: Why don’t we just SHOW you how good life after 30 can be?

Me (narrowing eyes): The last time you said you wanted to show me something, it involved a bb gun and Kate Gosselin wigs.

Zeal: You said you liked it!

Me: I was…just trying to be…polite…

Zeal: Listen. Do you want our help or not?

Zest: Isn’t he as cute as a peanut when he’s frustrated?

Me (muttering): …I’m going to regret this, but… Fine. Show me.

Zest: There's always retail therapy. DSW Shoe Warehouse doesn't care HOW old you are. They'll still take your money. Trust me. I know. I've taken your money there lots of times.

Zeal: You're old enough now that you can drink vast quantities, I mean, higher qualities, without winding up here. And when your friends' kids get married? Oh boy. They'll be disappointed if you don't sidle up to the open bar and then insist on dancing with all their friends.

Zest: I'm PRETTY sure by the time you're 40, polygamous relationships will be legal in New Jersey.

Zeal: That reminds me, I think in another 10 years, you'll be able to grow a lot more than soy beans in this windowsill...

Zest and Zeal: Plenty of things get better with age, Jules. Including you.

Me: Gosh. Thanks, guys. I actually do feel better now. …Zest? Zeal? Where’d you go? Aw, crud. I’m getting too old for this sh*t.

Have you ever gotten any good (or bad) advice about getting older? How do you cope with the aging process?

 

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84 responses to “My Life Coaches Prep Me for the Big 3-0

  1. Happy pre-birthday! Those cute little buggahs are right, you only get better with age. My 30s were so much better then my 20s, truly. And who says you can’t still buy animal crackers anymore? I’m eating some for breakfast right now, which brings me to my next point about aging: the older you get, the more you learn to let things go and just enjoy the little things.

    Oh and how do I cope with aging? I avoid mirrors, I drink and dance occasionally, I laugh a lot. There, do those things and you’ll be just fine.

    • Thanks, Darla! I’ve heard you say that before, and I kind of want it stitched on a pillow (that the 30s are better). But since I can’t sew, I hope you’ll keep reminding me – and keep eating animal crackers with me!! 🙂

  2. You are hilarious. Take a deep breath and let go. The thirties are BETTER than the twenties for so many reasons. I can talk about most of them publicly.

    • Thanks, Renee! Now that you and Darla have BOTH said that, I’m thinking I need a new fabulous wardrobe to prepare myself for the awesomeness the 30s are bound to bring. If Zest hasn’t stolen all of my money (again).

      You have my email. I’ll be waiting for the stories. 😉

  3. it beats the alternative.

    30? bwahahahaha i can’t even remember back that far.

    party like it’s 1999999999999999…and revel in the fact that you are wiser now than you were at 20. or 25. or yesterday. keep the vodka handy but, yes, get a new calendar. please.

  4. That’s what I need, some life coaches…do they make housecalls?

    Seriously, you’ve already identified one fact – you can’t stop it. Enjoy it. You’re a long way from senior discounts (which are fabulous, by the way) and 30s are a great time.

    • Katy, I like you too much to let these guys into your home.

      Thank you for the mood boost! I was almost going to request a poem about aging from you over on your blog, LOL 😉

  5. You are awesome. I don’t know you; but I know you are awesome. I have never gotten any advice about aging. In fact, by the time I was five or six adults were telling me I was an old man in a little boys body. I think people assume I know a lot more than I do and so they don’t give me a lot of advice. Yes, that is a little weird. Happy soon to be birthday. I am glad you were born.

  6. I know everybody is expected to be all “oh, no, life is just beginning. You’re a child/woman! The best is yet to come!”

    I respect you too much for that shiz, Jules. The plain truth is, it’s all downhill from here on out. Literally. Everything starts sagging, bagging and wrinkling. Your eyes will get bad, then your hearing, then your breath. In a few – maybe 40 – years, you won’t be able to walk and you’ll poop your diapers and love will be a fading memory as you merely wait to die.

    But hey, you gotta make the best of it, so…Happy Birthday!

  7. Well, Ms Jules, I just turned 48 this morning at 10:10, so 30 is sounding quite literally like child’s play to me! Do I feel 48? Hell, to the no! The secret to youth is in the mind not the body and I’m not even in my mid-twenties there!
    I love the pictures, and thinking of you carefully posing Zest and Zeal aroung your house for a photo shoot makes me smile!

    • Happy birthday, Sprinkles!!! I can tell you with confidence that you make 48 look amazing!! Did you do anything fun to celebrate? Peppermeister is ‘surprising me’…I’m a little scared.

      hahaha It was WAY too fun taking pictures of Zest and Zeal. Sometimes I will come home and ‘someone’ has arranged them in a compromising position. And Uncle Jesse knows he’s not allowed to touch them. I think that’s why he’s making that nasty face in the first ‘cult’ picture.

      • My youngest daughter and I went to visit my oldest daughter in Lewisburg, WV. We shopped in all of the cool little shops and galleries and went out to eat at my favorite italian restaurant there. My daughters got me a gorgeous handmade bracelet and some yummy lotion from my favorite gallery. I’m going out Tuesday with the hubs to celebrate. He got me some lovely stationary, pens, and the First season of Buffy (can you believe I’ve never watched it?)

        I’m sure Peppermeister has something awesome planned for your big day and you just never know what Zest, Zeal, and Uncle Jessie might have up their paws for you! 🙂

  8. Jules, I’m now in my mid-thirties. I remember turning 30 and that feeling of reaching some (dark) milestone. I try to remember that it’s all a spectrum. We don’t suddenly wake up older because of some arbitrary measurement (time). That said, I love my 30s way more than my 20s. I was almost just as confused then as I was in my teens. Hell, life is just confusing. But with every experience we grow a little. And if the growth I’ve seen in the last decade is any indication of the decades to come, I’m really looking forward to my 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s…

    Until I start pooping my pants, as Peg mentioned; then it’s time to go.

    Have an amazing birthday filled with chipmunks, side ponies, or whatever other guilty pleasures tickle your fancy!

    Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

    ~Ferris Bueller

    • Thanks, Chris, for this wonderful comment and the birthday wishes! You’re now the third person to comment that the 30s trump the 20s, so I’m feeling LOADS better about this whole business. It really is just a number. Even though I never really felt like a kid when I was a kid, I don’t know if I’ll ever really feel like an adult either!

  9. I was so thrown by the information that you can’t have kinder surprise eggs in the US that I could barely concentrate. I used to eat those all the time back when you know you coudl buy them here or bring them in from abroad.

    Also when I was Target I saw that they made Lily Pultizer animal crackers. So you can easily get a box with a string and rock your designer animal crackers at 30 (or 29).

    • hahaha Oh no, Marta, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news (re: the Kinder Surprise eggs)! Aren’t they amazing? I had them for the first time in Canada about 15 years ago (ulgh, I am so old), and I couldn’t believe how good the chocolate was and how COOL the toys were!

      Ooooooooh. Designer animal crackers?! You are seriously a kindred.

  10. I’ve been told that by the time you’re a 30-something, you have a good sense of who you are and where you’re going. By then, you are more settled and not as concerned about what others think. The best advice I received has been to think of all those who won’t be celebrating another birthday. I’m looking forward to my thirties, but not rushing it either. Each age brings something awesome. Have a wonderful birthday!

    • Thanks so much, Beth! You’re so right. I think one of the best parts about getting older is gaining more self-assurance. You tend to weed out a lot of the drama and ‘do you.’ Having said that, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Okay. That’s a lie. A screenwriter with a Second Husband would do me just fine. 😉

  11. 30 didn’t bother me at all. 29 freaked me out. For one, I’d never thought I’d live to be 18, 21, 24, then…TWENTY-NINE? I couldn’t believe it. I freaked for a little bit then decided that it’s all icing from here. I SURVIVED all those years? The rest was going to be easy. And so far it’s much easier. Srsly. Then again, most people have childhoods…Well, don’t want to bring you down. The good news is young men DO like old broads! I just keep feeling guilty about it.

    My other funny story about being 29 is when somebody (an old broad) asked me, “How old are you today?” (which really people shouldn’t ask, I suppose). I said, “29!” She smiled slyly and said, “For the ‘whath’ time?” This was a coworker and I was raised to treat my elders (with whom I’m not friends, of course) with respect. I snapped, “I’m not OLD like you. I don’t have to lie about my age, you old bitch!” Heh. True story. I don’t mind owning my age but don’t add-to-it or I go psycho.

    • For my 29th birthday, my friends got me a male stripper. I remember his name was Chavez. He had a dimple in his left buttock. He broke my glasses when he gyrated up in front of me, pulled his skimpy little t-shirt over my head (while he was still wearing it, gyrating all the while) then lifted the t-shirt. It hooked my eyeglasses and flung them across the room, breaking the frame and shattering one lense. I didn’t see anything else after that…I had to call my husband (at home with our 4 month old) to bring me contacts. True story.

    • Ha! Oh, to be a fly on the wall around you sometimes, madtante!! I love it. I would have been pissed, too!

  12. My best advice for getting older. Treat yourself better every year. I’m 61 now, and I spoil myself enormously. It’s very pleasant.

    • Nancy, this is advice worthy of a guilty pleasure blog. I love it. I really do try to do the same (which, in many ways, is what this blog is all about)! I’m drinking champagne right now! LOL

  13. I love the pic of Zest, Zeal, Uncle Jessie, and the other animals!

    Turning 30 really scared the crap outta me. So I threw a huge party…with a candy buffet. I got lots of cool gifts and people left behind a lot of alcohol. That all helped.

  14. 30 didn’t bother me. It was kind of a relief, because my 20’s had pretty well wiped me out.

    31 freaked me properly, though, because 31 meant it was just going to keep going…

  15. Ha. You are soooo old!! 🙂 I actually liked my 30s more than my 20s. Except for that whole getting old thing, it just really gets better all the time.

    I agree with Thoughtsy . . . you should throw a great big party for yourself and tell everyone to bring a bottle of booze! Sounds like the ultimate guilty pleasure party to me. 🙂

    Happy Birthday to you!! Send me your address and maybe I’ll send you a treat. 😉 (mistyslaws at gmail dot com).

    • Thank you so much, Misty!! No need to send me any treats, but I think I WILL have to take you up on your suggestion of inviting people over to give me their booze… 🙂

  16. I am truly appreciating stumbling upon your blog.. does three weeks from your post make you a …Taurus? that completely explains the sweet dramatic humor…rock on !

  17. Good luck – I fear you’re gonna need it!

  18. 30 is the new 20! Turning 30 will be fine… you can still party like a rock star BUT you have a decade of learning experiences (rrr…. “mistakes”) and people will treat you seriously when you are driven to do something. I’ve been on the other side of 30 for 18 months now, and it’s really not that bad!
    *hugs*

    • Deep breaths… You’re right, midnitechef. I think I can do this. Zest and Zeal are still nowhere to be found, but I think i can manage to party like a rock star without them 😉

  19. My personal feeling is to just embrace it. Embrace it so hard that it taps your shoulder and wheezes out a request that you stop embracing it. Ill be 29 this year and I’ve worked part time at a movie theatre since I was sixteen. I’ve watched a generation of kids in South Jersey get older, dumber, more entitled; and have realized the best way for me to deal with the fact that as I get older the mean age of my fellow employees stays the same is to just tell stories about the old days (and sometimes embellish them with anecdotes about how I smoked a pipe with Jimmy Carter, wait you don’t know who Jimmy Carter is? I smoked a pipe with Reagan? Bush 1? Clinton? Bush 2? Ok, Bush 2). And always, always!, talk about how shit was so much better ten years ago when gas was a dollar a gallon and The Daily Show was hosted by Craig Kilborn (what, you kids don’t remember Kilborn?).

  20. 30 wasn’t bad. 30 1/2 sucked.

  21. 30 rocks!!! It really does. I turned the big 3-0 in February.

  22. Illegal to buy KinderSurprise Eggs in the US: I KNOW! Fortunately, my parents currently live in Ireland. They keep me stocked up. Unfortunately (don’t tell them I used that word), they’re moving back to this side of the pond in June.

    P.S. I hated 30. But I’m about to turn 40 and it’s GONNA ROCK. I know. Ten more years, kid.

    • Jenn. Jenn Jenn Jenn. (Notice how many times I spelled your name correctly?) We’re friends, right? I have no problem sending you my address… And I won’t ever tell your parents what you said. C’mon. Just send a few eggs my way. No one has to know. 😉

  23. I feel you sister. I’m turning 40 this year. My 30th I drank so much I almost missed Christmas. My husband gave me a Kitchenaid stand mixer and my best friend’s, (who has a birthday the same week) husband gave her a Jaguar. 10 years later I am the only one who has a husband and my mixer still runs. I always say that every year is a gift and I will wish 10 years from now I look like I do today. Happy birthday and don’t worry if you puke…you will be smarter for your 40th!

    • Ha! Oh dear. Well, um…at least both gifts have a…motor (I think)? I suspect there may be some near puking, either from champagne or an entire cheesecake. And there DEFINITELY won’t be any Jaguars 😉

  24. Turned thirty last May, looking 31 in the face myself. Biggest thing that changed was my hobbies, but I’m not sure if that was because I got older or because my kids got older. My biggest hobby now is sleeping. Because when you sleep as little as I do now, it’s called a hobby. Best of luck! Trust me, thirty rocks!

    • Thank you so much – that’s great to hear, and I hope you do find time for your new and old hobbies! I’m with you on the sleep one. I just read a post where someone’s mentor got up in the middle of the night to write, so he could complete his novel (it was the only time he had). Guess who’s never writing a novel if that’s what it takes?? LOL 😉

  25. It was an interesting read. Also the images you’ve got with those stuffed dolls are too good.

  26. I LOVE Cordon Negro! That’s our celebratory beverage of choice in my house. “Retail therapy”… classic! I think my wife must have benefits under the VA Bill because this winter she bought me 5 coats at Old Navy.

    As someone his early 50s, I hate to break this to you but getting older doesn’t mean getting better, unless you measure improvement in terms of additional ear hair. The thing is that the first brain cells to die as a result of advancing age are the ones that recognize that you are decaying as a result of the aging process, so everything works out. But the 30s and 40s are probably the greatest years of all (except for the teen years when you cannot be tried as an adult so you tend to have a lot more high-intensity fun in spite of the pimples).

    • Awesome! It’s a relatively new discovery for me, but I LOVE it, AND -bonus- it’s cheaper than my other standby, Korbel. I really do celebrate every weekend with champagne. It’s only right.

      This comment cracked me up. I’m glad I still have a little time to look forward to, before I have to start braiding my ear hair.

  27. Just laugh a lot! I do and it makes everything seem great. The fact that I laugh when I look in the mirror is entirely irrelevant 😉 Seriously, enjoy 30, it’s won’t be as bad as you think and I’ll tell you a little secret, 40 is even better!

  28. Turning 30, Eh! Well in the words of Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav (who I have never met, by the way) “If we [you] won’t be better tomorrow than we were today, then what do we [you] need tomorrow for”? Your 30’s will be awesome!

  29. Sara Katherine

    What kind of dog do you have?

    • Hi Sara Katherine! Uncle Jesse is an Australian Labradoodle. He is 2 and the answer to all my hopes and dreams. Right now he’s eating his kibble lying down, ’cause that’s how he rolls. 😉

  30. Happy early Birthday! I’m turning 30 on May 4th and initially I was a bit scared about 30 it sounds so daunting but I’m beginning to think my 30s are going to be pretty rad. I read an interview of some cool, free spirited 80 year old woman who was like this wild child and the interviewer asked her what age she would go back to if she could and the woman told her it would be 34. The interviewer was suprised because she really thought the woman was going to say something in her 20s, so she asked the woman why 34? And the woman said that she was still just as beautiful in her 30s as she was in her 20s but by 34 she had gained all the life experiences to be completely confident in who she was and what she wanted.
    That being said, I look at my 30s in a whole new light. I have been going through my 29 year old crisis as well, contemplating dying my hair pink or purple so it was funny to hear you say that.
    I don’t know you, but by this blog I can honestly say you’re 30s are going to be great. Remember we can always be young at heart!
    Peace and love!

    • Thank you so much for this wonderful comment, and I’m sorry for the delayed response!!

      I think you’re right, we Tauruses can get through this milestone gracefully, and rock out our 30s! Although I did have a slight moment of panic thinking about it last night, and then my husband oh-so-kindly reminded me that turning 31 will probably be a lot more depressing 😉

      I really do want some pink in my hair. I can just imagine what they’d say about THAT at work (I work for a pharma co.)…

      • Hey! No worries your response brought me back to this funny blog. Sometimes as my positive attitude about my approaching doom…I mean 30s is at it’s most positive, I wonder if this is what denial feels like…but then I realize that if it is, i’m okay living here. The facts are I’ve had an amazing life so far and there is nothing to be ashamed about.
        The worry of what others think about my actions definitely has been a contributing factor to my decisions in the past. Pretty much when I accepted the idea that I am an adult (or mostly accepted that fact since I find myself defending Jersey shore to MOST of my peers which makes me feel like maybe I haven’t fully matured) so I understand. Unless it’s against policy at work, I think you should go for it. Maybe just a piece of pink. For me, since I have dark brown/black hair it involves bleaching my hair which I did once the day before I walked down the stage for my high school graduation and let’s just say not only did my hair look like an easter egg (and not in a good way if you’re a fan of easter eggs) but my scalp was burned and chunks of my hair came out. So I vowed never to bleach my hair again. But I am giving some serious thought into dying a piece of my hair purple. I’m just deciding on what piece. 🙂
        Peace and love!

        • Ha! That’s so great. I am constantly defending my love of The Jersey Shore (but being from Jersey I feel it’s simply my duty – and I thank you for your contribution to the Jersey Shore 4-EVAH Committee), and can’t seem to get away from the blonde hair dye… If you do go [partially] purple, I hope we get to see it!!

  31. Okay I will keep you updated when I go for it which feels like it will be happening soon (I’ve been saying this for 2 months)…And I am constantly contributing to the Jersey Shore 4-EVAH committee. I’m sure an intervention will be coming soon.

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