Dating, humor, TV Junkie

Stranger Danger: The New Dating App Sweeping the Nation!

“So what dating app do you use?”

“Mostly Tinder.”

“How is that going?”

“It’s fine, especially if you’re not looking for anything serious.”

My eyes darted back and forth between two women, a friend and a fellow partygoer, having one of those conversations that went from ‘Nice to meet you’ to ‘I’ve been in therapy for eight years’ in 7.6 seconds.

“What kind of guys are you meeting?”

“A mix. I have a thing for dark-haired guys.”

I opened my mouth and…took a big gulp of bubbly. I was pretty sure my only dating apps had been designed by guys who looked like the dad from 7th Heaven.

7th-heaveh-dad-daughter
“Now listen up, Mary. Just because I’m a known child molester whose left hand could be headed anywhere doesn’t mean my dating advice blows.”

Frequenting such upstanding apps as eHarmony and Match had resulted in stories like this. And this. Annnnd this.

Match-misguided-selfie
Spoiler alert.

“Oh really? You would like the guy I just met a couple of months ago. Caramel skin, dark hair, green eyes…”

“Why didn’t you like him?”

“Too young for me, but he’s perfect for you.”

I watched the conversation between my friend and a complete stranger unfold, wondering if it would outlast the Prosecco supply.

Jules-Holiday-Inn-balcony-2
‘Cause then we might have a problem.

“I’ll see if I can find his number.”

“Okay!”

I blinked. Hang on. What just happened here? A stranger we’d met an hour ago was giving my friend the number of a stranger SHE met three months ago and… My head started to spin, not unlike when my girlfriends plan things.

funny-owl
I want my Mommy.

Then I started to wonder… Was this really any less creepy than swiping your finger across a stranger’s likeness to indicate that you might want to share awkward conversation and unlimited breadsticks? Was this, in fact, a far more appropriate vetting system?

titanic-molly-brown
I know I just met you, Rose, but I’m telling you. Don’t ever let this one go. #titanicpuns Photo credit.

The next morning, the woman from the party called my friend.

“Hey, it’s Stranger Lady from last night! Great news! I found Stranger Guy’s number!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, my friend texted Stranger Guy with a few cute lines and a couple of photos of herself.

What do you think? Should we create an app for this? 

Go-Jules-Go-Stranger-Danger-app

~*~*~*~*~*~

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TV Junkie

Why You Need to Watch Santa Clarita Diet

Wayyyy back in the day, this blog was called Go Guilty Pleasures! Yes, with an exclamation point, because I make it my mission to tell you how you feel about what you’re reading. Back then I waxed poetic about Darren Criss and Justin Timberlake, but eventually I evolved to more mature matters, like eating dog kibble.

Well, old habits die hard, and I’m here to tell you how you should feel about Santa Clarita Diet, the morbid, quirky, irresistible Netflix show starring Drew Barrymore and that guy from Girl Next Door. (…Anyone?) They’re back for season two and I just about puked from excitement.

anta-clarita-diet-puking-drew-barrymore
If you can get past the puke in episode one, I promise it’s worth it! Photo credit.

This show is filling the Buffy-sized hole in my heart. It is utterly absurd, and yet entirely lovable, with characters who make the most implausible seem as commonplace as eating an entire box of Wheat Thins in one sitting. (…Anyone?) Take, for instance, this dialogue from the beginning of season 2, episode 1:

~*~*~*~*~

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL – DAY

JOEL (male lead a.k.a. Drew Barrymore’s husband) is inside a mental hospital. He shares a room with CRAZY HOSPITAL PATIENT and decides to come clean about his wife.

JOEL: She’s undead.

CRAZY HOSPITAL PATIENT: Really? How is that going?

JOEL: Honestly? Mixed. She has an intensity I love, but having to find human flesh for her to eat? That’s been hard.

CRAZY HOSPITAL PATIENT: I can’t imagine.

JOEL: We’re realtors, so, killing people and stuffing them in the freezer doesn’t come naturally.

~*~*~*~*~

If you’re reading that cold, I’ve probably convinced you to never watch this show. But guess what? THAT’S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH THIS SHOW. They make that work.

Chyeah. I know. Catch you on the flip undead side, Chipmunks!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

TV Junkie, Uncle Jesse, Wipe the Drool

Set Your DVRs. TONIGHT.

Oh. Oh-hoh-oh-oh-oh.

CHIPMUNKS.

Sometimes, friends send you things on Facebook that they think SCREAMS you, and you think, “Meh. Okay.” Or “Yeah, that’s cute.”

But sometimes, friends send you things on Facebook that change your life.

For the better.

On Wednesday, I received the following Facebook intel from both my BFF, Jenn, and my blog bud, freshveggies/gingerleaphotography:

Jesse-and-the-Rippers

YES. YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY.

Jesse and the Rippers are performing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. tonighT. (click for more info.)

Jesse and the Rippers!

As in, Uncle Jesse from Full House!

That'd be me.
That’d be me.

My beloved dog’s name sake!

This is…

…this is…

A decision I did NOT take lightly.
A decision I did NOT take lightly.

No. There are no words.

What…what are you waiting for? Go set your DVR! (I say “set your DVR” because I assume that, like me, you a) go to bed at 8:30pm, and b) with great pain, deleted a high-def version of Sharknad0, and now have room on your DVR.)

You’re welcome.

What TV characters from your youth would you poop a brick to see brought back to life on a late night talk show?

P.S. – If you need a distraction from counting the seconds ’til this airs, why not travel back in time and watch my AMAZING Uncle Jesse (man) / Uncle Jesse (dog) tribute video?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

humor, TV Junkie

Who Wants To Be A Studio Audience Member?

I’ve lived in northern New Jersey my entire life, which means constant access to pork roll and Bon Jovi some pretty cool stuff, like the myriad New York City happenings, a mere 25 miles away.

It’s easy to take this proximity for granted; I’ve only met a few other people who leverage one especially cool perk: Television show tapings!

Babs (my mom) is one of those people.

Daily-Show-tix

That’s right, Chipmunks! On Monday, Babs and I saw a taping of The Daily Show! Okay, The Daily Show Lite. While Jon Stewart is off coloring or basket-weaving or directing movies this summer, John Oliver, a Daily Show correspondent, is hosting.

Watch out, Jon. He's good.
Watch out, Jon. He’s good.

“Nice!” you’re probably thinking. “Why doesn’t everyone do this?”

Hey, great question, you. Shows with studio audiences are usually desperate to fill the house 5 days a week, so tickets are easy to come by (with some exceptions).

But.

While the tickets are free, they still have a price: Shows overbook, so even if you’ve reserved tickets, you have to [take off from work and] arrive early to pick them up – several hours before the taping begins. Then you have to return later, get back in line, and wait some more.

In any kind of weather.

I'm the moron in dark blue jeans in 90-degree heat.
I’m the moron in dark blue jeans in 90-degree heat.

And there’s still no guarantee you’ll actually get in.

The-Daily-Show-Abandon-News-Sign
The studio entrance.

Which is why it’s important to get drunk resourceful. For example, find a mom Babs who won a poop-ton of lottery scratch-off tickets from a radio station:

The-Daily-Show-scratch-offs

25 lotto tickets: $50. Post Scratch-Off Carpal Tunnel Meds: $80. Winnings: $4. That face: Priceless.
Booze: $30. Lotto tickets: $50 free. Winnings: $4. That face: Priceless.

I imagine this waiting game is similar to childbirth. You forget about all of that boring, painful, hot, sticky, gross stuff once you feel the love. (I bet it’s exactly the same, am I right, parents?) Cue the ice-cold studio and geeking out.

Daily-Show-Babs-Jules-audience

One of the only shows I've ever been to where they allowed pictures during designated times.
One of the only shows I’ve ever been to where they allowed pictures during designated times.

You also forget about all of that waiting when the audience warm-up act starts picking on your mother (note: the following is based on actual events, a la Rescue 9-1-1):

The-Daily-Show-warmup-2

The-Daily-Show-warmup-1

You DEFINITELY forget about that waiting when the host gives the audience a personal hello, sincere thanks, and answers questions.

Daily-Show-John-O

And you totally, totally, TOTALLY forget about that waiting when you spot yourself on TV that same night:

Didja miss me? Okay, fine, that wasn’t really fair. Let me help ya out:

The-Daily-Show-audience1
Especially epic since The Daily Show almost never features their audience on the live show.

The-Daily-Show-Audience2

Psst: If you’re in the New York City area and would like tickets to a Daily Show taping, check out this page.

Have you ever been to a television show taping? If not, would it be worth all of that uncertainty and waiting to you? What show tops your list?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just For Fun, TV Junkie

THIS is America’s Funniest Home Video.

Several years ago, there was a brief period of time when Peppermeister (Husband Numero Uno) and I would get sloshed and watch America’s Funniest Home Video reruns. In our defense, we were kids during its pre-YouTube heyday, and Bob Saget’s goofy mug and painfully corny jokes still make us feel warm and fuzzy.

For years -YEARS- following this, we’ve been quoting one particular video that we thought might, in fact, be: America’s FUNNIEST Home Video.

We were never able to find the clip.

Until now.

I love you, Peppermeister.

ENJOY, Chipmunks! (I’ve built this up way too much, haven’t I?)

Do you have any favorite viral (or should-be-viral) videos?

Lists, TV Junkie, Wipe the Drool

Monday Mash-Up feat. Hot Things

First of all, if I seem a little behind on blog reading, remember that I recently succumbed to the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

I consider it my inner goddess-given duty to embrace these endeavors with both Zest and Zeal, so that you may one day be willing to accept your own guilty pleasure spirit.

Me, embracing “Fifty Shades” with life coaches, Zest and Zeal. …What did you think I meant?

Second of all – Jimmy! Yes! It happened! Peppermeister and I saw a taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on Friday. While I’d hoped to provide you with a picture of Jimmy “Hotter than Christian Grey” Fallon in ‘stache glasses, the NBC knuckleheads had other ideas. Please forgive the mundane photos:

Things that may interest you about the experience:

1.) I’m not special. Click here if you want tickets to a taping. It’s free!

2.) Questlove and his ‘fro Jimmy might be the only celebrity I’ve ever seen who looks bigger in person than on TV. (In a good way. Oh yes.) Seth MacFarlane, of Ted Family Guy fame, looked much thinner. …Am I the only one who thinks Seth MacFarlane is full of secrets?

I’m just saying I think “Stewie” comes from a dark place.

3.) They taped out of order because Blake Lively got “stuck in traffic.” I suspect it was really because she was artfully cutting holes in both her shirt and pants before taking the stage.

It must have taken forever.

4.) Jimmy only talked to the audience once between breaks (to explain #3), but ran through the crowd to shake hands, an end-of-show custom. He was friendly, but takes his job seriously, mouthing cue cards and talking to suits between breaks. Except for that one break where I caught him staring at me. This may be a slight exaggeration.

This is what comes up when I Google Image search “Jimmy Fallon serious.”

And lastly but certainly not leastly, speaking of things that are hot, The Byronic Man [and his weekly contest]! Yeah! That’s right! I said HAWT. Let’s all pause and stare at him!

What a tease.

Oh, and, please vote for me in his current Question of the Week contest, where I’m a finalist for suggesting Forrest Gump would be much improved with the addition of dragons. I know Titanic should win, but as the Fifty Shades series sold 15 million copies, I think we can all agree life is unfair.

(If you’re really not sure I deserve it,  that’s okay. I forgive you. I’ve got next week’s contest in the bag.)

Have I told you how hot YOU’RE looking lately? My. This weather really agrees with you. If I had a Red Room of Pain, you’d so be invited.

Have I missed any guilty pleasures you’ve got going on? Any summer reading recommendations? ‘Fess up, Chipmunks.

P.S. – NOT hot: My blog disappearing from your WordPress Readers and inboxes. I have written a strongly-worded letter to the WordPress overlords, but am still trying to hunt down their address. In the meantime, click here repeatedly to ensure you don’t miss anything. (Or, you know, just assume I try to post 2-3 weekdays/week at 6am EST.)

Photo Credits

Just For Fun, Lists, TV Junkie

Choose Your Own Adventure Friday

To protect the innocent devilishly awesome, let’s just say a friend of a friend of a monkey’s uncle knows someone who’s been posting really interesting things on Facebook lately.

Now I know I just talked about the social media ‘over share’ disease in my last post. Normally I have an allergic reaction to my Facebook wall, and simply just try to remember to wish people a happy birthday, but hearing this tale unfold like an episode of 90210, well… I’m riveted.

This FOAFOAFOAMU (Friend Of A Friend Of A Friend Of A Monkey’s Uncle, geesh, try to keep up) has been posting about their newly lavish lifestyle. There are expensive houses (okay, just one. THAT I KNOW OF), vacations, big parties, pricey day trips, you name it. Something new on the daily.

You see, it just doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t add up. I mean, literally. The money. It doesn’t add up. Where is it coming from? My first thought was: Well, they probably just inherited dough from a relative.

Zeal thinks they stole it. Of course he does.

But where’s the fun in that? Here are other options I’ve come up with:

They…

  • founded a covert but obviously successful Mail Order Second Husband business. …Dang. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait, I did. Score
  • developed a frozen margarita that doesn’t cause brain freeze or bad decisions
  • figured out a way to make cars punch people when they don’t use their blinkers
  • discovered bacon that doesn’t splatter molten hot grease when you fry it
  • invaded Gayle’s mind via her dreams (a la Inception) and got the number to Oprah’s Swiss bank account. The one they were using to pay for their secret wedding and deserted island
  • are murder-for-hire assassins, but that’s not how they made their fortune. While they were hunting down terrorists in really awesome disguises and black leather pants, they stumbled across a fountain of youth in a remote part of the Australian outback, and now sell each drop for anywhere from 100k-1 million, depending on how old rich you are. By the by, did anyone else love the book Tuck Everlasting when they were kids? Why didn’t they make all these awesome books into movies when I was the appropriate age to enjoy them?

I’d keep going, but I’ve got to go catch a train…

…because…

Peppermeister (Husband Numero Uno) and I are going to see a taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!

Now there’s something I didn’t make up today.

Me too, Zest. Me too.

I hope you Chipmunks have a wonderful weekend, full of Facebook fantasies and fascinating friendships. (And alliteration. But I’ve got you covered there. No, no. It’s my pleasure.)

Are you captivated by any particular person’s social media over shares? Tell me everything.