If you thought my year of eHarmony heartache (as evidenced here and here) might have deterred me from online dating, guess again.
For the past several months, I’ve experienced the highs and lows of Match.com. Stay tuned for future posts, Your Facebook Profile Says You’re Still Married and No, Thank You, I Would Not Like To See A YouTube Video of You Surgically Removing Your Toenails.
One might consider these experiences a sign. Take a little break, Jules, a little step back, they might suggest.
Ha!” I say. “Show me a REAL sign.”
Last night, I was getting ready for a third date with a delightful gentleman who discovered my blog before we ever met, so let me just again say he is especially delightful (and owes me a guest blog post).
He was picking me up for dinner, so I straightened up the house, got all dudded up, lit a few candles (to cover up any Eau De Dog-who-really-needs-a-trip-to-the-groomer) and anxiously awaited his arrival.
Ten minutes before he was due, I blew out the candles. One of them was the sort that has a tea light heating a scented wax cube.
It was resting atop a wall sconce. I lifted it down, let’s just say, a tad carelessly.
Suddenly, all the hot, melted wax sloshed out.
Onto my face.
Onto my white dress.
Onto my couch.
It was red.
Have you ever had any last-minute blunders while getting ready for a big night out? (Come on, I know for a fact one of you has had a run-in with a curling iron.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
Oh, Nooooooo…. Well, crap! Did you at least have time to change and get the wax cleaned up?
I knowwwww, right?
Yes and no – the couch was pretty much D.O.A. Forget the lower half of my face! I can’t afford a new couch!
Ice. That’s how you remove wax.
Yikes! Wax is on the top ten list of most difficult things to clean up, between dog diarrhea on carpet and a smashed glass jar in an oozing mass of honey.
Ha! Oh. God. Yes. I think there’s STILL honey glued to select spots of my kitchen floor.
Sprinkles (the granulated sugar kind) are fun, too. Especially if they melt.
I dropped a jar of honey once and seriously considered just moving.
I moved into a place where someone did just that. There was something incredibly nasty in the kitchen and I still haven’t gotten rid of the smell.
that looks like a crime scene – thank goodness it probably smelled better than a murder scene likely does !
Ha! It was kind of perfect. First time I let a guy pick me up for dinner – good thing I didn’t go missing…
It looks a crime scene! Forget your face and hands, the poor couch. Ice cubes might help harden the wax to get it off. Yes. I know. We don’t usually use ice cubes for anything but cocktails. (And I happen to know where you can get plenty if you need some.)
I think I might just get a new couch.
First of all, you are my favorite. 🙂
I was getting ready for a first date one evening and was NERVOUS. I was curling my hair (maybe after a couple shots) and was not paying quite enough attention. Instead of grabbing my hair to curl, I grabbed the entire hot curling iron. I burned the entire palm of my hand.
However, I did what normal humans do. I grabbed the ice cold bottle of fireball and held it in the burned hand, while taking a few more shots.
Oh, AndiMirandi, let’s toast to that (with your good hand, of course)!! That sounds excruciating. Which I hope the date was not.
I burned my neck with a curling iron and by the time I saw my date, the burn mark looked like a massive hickey. That was awkward…
Also, I’ve missed you! I’ve been so absent from blogging and no longer have Facebook, so I didn’t even know about your dating escapades! I’m now going to read through your entire blog again because you’re perfect and adorable and hilarious and I love you.
Cappy!!! As you can see, my return to the bloggy world is about as successful and consistent as my dating life 😉 I miss you, too!!
Tell him it’s blood, but don’t explain from where. Keep him off guard.
I like the way you think!
Lol hilarious! That would be interesting….
I think it worked, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.
Let’s face facts. You’re cursed. Look up “Witch Doctors” on Craig’s List. Maybe you’ll find a nice-looking Jewish one, who knows? But you need to get rid of the bad Juju, Jules.
As for bad pre-date mishaps, I can’t remember a single one…not because they didn’t happen, but because I was good and liquored up. I just can’t remember anything. I’m not kidding. About anything. Not even the Witch Doctor. I never kid about Witch Doctors…
I’m on Craigslist as we speak. I’m not kidding, I think this place is like the haunted Old Maid Mansion (minus the mansion part): All Men Who Enter Shall Never Appear Again.
Ok, I have had to remove wax: http://www.howtocleanstuff.net/how-to-remove-candle-wax-stains/
That should help. As for personal issues, I bought some candles at a garage sale and lit them (about a dozen) to make the mood better. Then I cleaned up and all. When I walked into the room, I nearly screamed. It seems that if a regular cheap candles becomes damp (like being stored in a basement or garage), it absorbs the water. When burning then it will sputter, high and huge, all over everything within about a 3-foot circle. This covered my carpet, shelves, and curtains. Hence, the article above.
Scott
Nooooo. Was it white wax? I’ve decided to take the ‘strategically placed throw blanket’ approach, but it’s only a matter of time before I’m found out!
Mostly a nasty red wax ‘(even worse, I think).
I would give some helpful hint about newsprint and an iron getting the wax out, but with that red? That’s gonna stain, gurl.
There’s a part of me that really wants you to give Tinder a try. Because I imagine the stories would be no less than epic.
I don’t know what’s worse: the idea of needing to buy a new coach, or the thought of signing up for Tinder (do you even have to sign up? Or do you just scan your boobs as the QR code?).
Oh, and by the way, hot wax DOES go with some dates. lol
Hysterical! I met my hubby 4 years ago on match. Now, 6 kids and 12 grandkids……don’t give up hope!
Wow, you’re quick. 🙂
SIX kids, you say? I think I’m going to go hide under the coach.
(In all seriousness – congratulations! So happy to hear about a successful ‘match’!)
Nothing about the date – which I take as a good sign. Either that, or you’re just making up a story for the trial to explain the all the red splatter.
🙂
I’m back because I think I’m finally ready to tell the rest of this story (dun dun DUNNN)!
Sorry but that made me LOL!! Its not that bad, it just looks like you murdered someone there…
Maybe tears of laughter are the trick to getting this stain out!! I’ve already tried the other kind, after all. 😉
There’s nothing like climbing out of the blogging crypt and finding you here! And jobs and miserable bastards and stuff! My only question is: did you see Mormon yet, or did he take the tickets back? Cause I can set you up with a tour 😉 Love you & happy to see you here!
Hey, I know you. Did Jules blow some magic whistle that can only be heard by MIA bloggers?
JM! Hi!! 🙂 I was just telling someone that I’m back (again) because I think I’m finally ready to tell the rest of this story (book of Mormon help us all… and yes! I got the tickets; HOWEVER, were you aware that Wed night shows start at 7pm and not 8pm? I’m sure you were. Babs and I were not. That’s right. We missed the first hour. Perfect ending to an altogether fail of a tale)!
I can’t believe how calm you are – must have been a good date. The couch stain would have made me postal, never mind hot wax on your face. Only upside is it would have taken care of any pesky mustache.
Would you believe me if I said that incident was the highlight of our dating career?
I think you should have left the dress on and invited him in to sit for a few minutes. Then you would have known if he really liked you or not! I mean, who wants a guy who would run from a little murder, right? Or is that just me? Perhaps I’ve said too much . . . .
Hope there’s gonna be a fourth date!! 😉
Hot wax on the third date – wait’ll you hear about the fourth!
Ohmygosh, are you ok? You spilled wax on your face? You’re lucky you didn’t get burn blisters or something. Yikes! I’m never getting a sconce!
Just say no to sconces, Jess! (And yes to scones. Close enough and far less likely to scar.)
Of course the wax was blood red! Good thing this wasn’t your first date. 🙂
It has faded to a delightful dusty rose… thinking of getting throw pillows to match.
I was getting late for a lunch. In a hurry, I pinched my skin when using the eye lash curler. Gosh that was damn painful and left a mark on my upper cheek. I dropped my blush and highlighters and all through the lunch I kept discovering little stains of that powdery stuff on my hands, feet, on my dress ….
Ha! See now, something like that you could play off as a beauty mark and a new fashion trend, a la body glitter.
My mishap was a mountain of pimple pop up on my forehead. I’m confident so I went on the date anyway, and he stared at it the whole time smh
Ha! Dying to know – was there a second date?! (You could have said, “I know three’s a crowd. I’ll leave the pimple home next time!”)
AHHHH! how’s your face? Yee-ouch! Well, as a former recovering employee at Yankee Candle — yes, ice gets out wax and at our store they were called “tart wamers”. Ahem.
True story: On my second date with Jim, I introduced him to one of my two tabby cats, Max. I picked him up, walked towards Jim and Max promptly scratched the shit out of my arms and stomach. I had to change because there were little drops of blood on my shirt. Not the sexiest moment of my life. (but the second sexiest)
My face is doing great apart from the extra chin. I blame Yankee candle for that, too.
(P.S. – I sputtered like a hot tart warmer at ‘but the second sexiest.’)
I stepped on my curling iron while getting ready. Story doesnt get much better than that.
Ooooh. Well at least, ah, your foot was perfectly curled for the date?!
I’d lost my link to you — I thought you’d stopped blogging, but I saw your comment elsewhere and traced you back here. So glad to see you.
When I had terrible colitis in my 20s I pooped in my pants on a picnic on the West Lawn of the US Capitol during their Labor Day concert. I can’t believe I didn’t get a proposal.
Annnnd you win. You win all the prizes. Shoot. I really should have had a prize for this post.
Wow, were you able to get if off the furniture? Wax was a toughy. At least you don’t have to go in for a waxing of your brow and upper lip now?
NO, I wasn’t able to. Of course, I didn’t TRY (and resorted instead to a giant throw blanket), but still.
Did you have to explain why your house looked like a murder scene???
I was able to give a text message warning, but the best/worst part was that he had brought a cute little gift for me and was all consumed by that, but I just wanted to cry, “Dude! I can’t focus on this right now! I might need to go to the hospital!!”
I was getting ready for a date. Was already running late and I had to shave my legs. So I was going about it really fast and realised I’d cut my leg at so many places, there was blood oozing out of my knee. Super painful. And my boyfriend had arrived some 45 minutes ago, he kept calling and my phone was on silent. He must have assumed I died. I did make it eventually, thanks to band-aid.
I hope it was a Disney princess Band-Aid! Or Muppets.
LOL
Right before Kiefer picked me up once, I also blew out a red candle. A tad bit too hard because I also splattered wax. Lucky for me it was only all over the wall and a shelf. Candles should come with warnings.
Yes! “Too hot to handle.” Much like my dates [are not].
When I bake I burn myself. I have burns all over my wrists and forearms. Let’s just say I’ve had to convince a date or two that I’m not depressed and my relationship with my father is just fine.
I’m not a cutter, I’m just a bad baker!
FYI…I’ve spilled candle wax on nearly everything in my house (it’s always red wax…I think it’s the only kind that spills). Placing a couple paper towels over it and then ironing it will take wax off of everything.
Do you think the iron trick will work after 3 months? (I’m optimistic because it’s also the amount of time it takes to fully embrace a cat lady lifestyle.)
P.S. – I still have scars from a particularly tasty blueberry pie.
It’s not too late. It even works on walls. But just to warn you, if people see you ironing your walls they will ask questions.
Oh my dear, that was just brutal to read, but very funny. Thanks for sharing your misfortune so I could laugh. Once I made a beautiful chocolate cake for my then boyfriend and went traipsing over to him to present it when he came in the door. I tripped on the rug and the whole thing fell upside down at his feet. Here you go, honey. Dig in!
hahaha Likewise (for suffering for the sake of my amusement)! I think yours is worse because he was right there when it happened; I had about 10 minutes to figure out I didn’t need to call 9-1-1.
hiya im new to wordprees and id love it if you could all check out mdy page talkingplenty.wordpress.com and well done (is it jules) you seem to have made a great page xxx
Hi! Welcome to WordPress! I’d send you a welcome basket but I’m out of candles. I hope you like it here! 🙂
-Jules (yup, it is Jules)
as i’m not permitted, i haven’t had the first official date of my life!!! hope that won’t go as disastrous as this!!! lol!
Oh dear, well please don’t let my experiences scar you for life (if you want scars, just dump candle wax on yourself like me)!
My only faux pas was wearing the same slacks my date did. To my credit, they were ladies’ slacks. He was not a lady.
I sense this is only the beginning of a really fabulous tale.
If there’s a wax museum Hall of Fame, your couch deserves exhibition space.