The day everyone showers me with attention, compliments, and permission to drink at 9 AM I announce the winner of my latest giveaway!
For this contest, I asked you to (pretty please) leave a comment describing your ideal birthday, with bonus points awarded for mentioning chipmunks. This particular commenter nailed it. I love word-y puns almost as much as I love sneaking “water” into the movies.
And thus, the winner of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver’s “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo” is…
A birthday giveaway? It’s true, Chipmunks. This spry young bunny before you is turning another year older.
In an effort to distract myself from the merciless hands of time, I’m giving you a gift! Well, one of you.
DISCLAIMER: This post contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission if you purchase the linked product, at no additional cost to you. I only ever link to products that I truly love. Like this.
It may seem like I bounce from topic to topic, but there’s one thing I’ve always hoped was a-bunny-dantly clear (OKAY FINE I’LL STOP): The blog is all about the love. When I started as “Go Guilty Pleasures!”, I wanted a safe place for people to come together to dish about their embarrassing delights, like gypsy weddings and farting. It evolved to Go Jules Go, where I now talk about all kinds of hopes, dreams, fears, and things that allow you to laugh at with me (um…right?). Regardless of the name, I always, always wanted you to know: You are celebrated here.
And that’s what this book is all about.
This book was Last Week Tonight with John Oliver‘s response to another children’s book that came out on the same day. A book that shall remain unnamed here, because, like I said.
I’ve had friends send me invites through Paperless Post in the past and thought, “Well aren’t we fancy?” while secretly seething with jealousy. Now we can be fancy together!
Want to win?
All you have to do to enter is leave a comment below by NOON EST on Saturday, April 28th explaining what the world’s best birthday would look like to you. Points awarded for humor, creativity and ability to compliment me mentioning chipmunks.
I’ll announce the winner on MAH BIRTHDAY, April 30th! Now hop to it! I’m going to go back to playing on Paperless Post.
Whew, I’m exhausted from sorting through all of the entries to my Halloween contest! I barely had time to dust off my slutty chipmunk costume.
Ha ha ha. Just kidding.
There were only two entries.
And I loved them all both. Almost as much as I love my sister wife and our 47 children.
In fact, I loved your entries so much that I tossed them into my cauldron and brewed up a batch of winning for everyone! That’s right. For the first time in Go Jules Go Halloween contest history, I’ve combined your entries into a single jack-o-lantern carving!
In response to my question, How would the world look if YOU were in charge?, you submitted the following gems:
Now that we have our winners, it’s time to get down to carving business. As usual, I was filled with self-doubt. Could I come up with a design worthy of Peg-o-Leg and Lone Grey Squirrel’s submissions? My fears compounded after visiting Rise of the Jack-o-Lanterns.
Based on Peg-o-Leg’s comment that if she ruled the world all IRS employees would have to wear the same uniform, the Julesie Crest Ensemble, I began my design.
Next, the design transfer.
And lastly, the expert carving.
Okay, so maybe you’re not impressed. Just wait until you hear what this REALLY is. A hacked up gourd? Oh, no, no, no.
In homage to Lone Grey Squirrel’s entry, this pumpkin is THE ultimate teaching tool for any Cat Sensitivity Training program – the only program of its kind aimed at reducing squirrel and chipmunk anxiety. If the felines fail to pay attention, all you need to do is turn out the lights, fire up a match, and BAM!
Oh chipmunks. Do you remember those days when I used to give away slap bracelets, shake hands with babies, and make rainbows out of rain?
I miss those days.
But wait! Thanks to the Simon & Schuster publishing house, we’re getting old school up in here!
That’s right – another giveaway! I’ve cleared the cobwebs, opened the Franzia, and invite you all to vie for a chance to win a copy of…
“I Know What I’m Doing and Other Lies I Tell Myself” by Jen KirkMAN!
I don’t know why Simon & Schuster contacted me. Jen Kirkman is a hilarious, divorced, comedy writer with an empty refrigerator and flawless fashion sense.
Jen is also stand-up comedian, best-selling author, and occasional cradle robber. If you’ve seen her Netflix comedy special, I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine), you know this gal is the real deal.
I could give you a book synopsis, but I’d rather share my favorite quote:
“I looked at the second cheese board and lost my appetite. I was happy talking to Allison. I felt like myself again. I was happy. And when I’m happy I don’t abuse cheese. Cheese is a privilege.”
HOW TO ENTER
Simply leave a comment describing some of the worst advice you’ve ever given or been given (or observed being given). I’ll let the magnanimous Babs (mother extraordinaire) choose a winner, announced the week of May 1, 2016.
ENTER BY MIDNIGHT EST ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2016 TO WIN!
P.S. – I’ve never stopped loving you. I’ve just been really busy. Reading this awesome book. And worrying about the apple slice I dropped between the driver’s seat and middle console of my car last week.
Okay. Here goes. The Reader’s Digest version of a blind date with a Miserable Bastard (MB) that ended up in a marriage proposal from hell.
The MB in question was a pompous ass lawyer. My friend set me up with him. I immediately began questioning my judgement in friends. During our first date all he could about was talk about:
2. how much he hated the town we lived in (my home town, his new town)
3. his former girl friend who was of Nordic descent (I’ll call her Icelandic Dream Girl)
I thought it was a “one and done” kind of an evening, but he wanted to see me again for dinner, not just drinks, explaining that he only asked women out on first date for drinks because he didn’t want to waste his time and money for a whole “dinner thing” if the woman wasn’t his type. Charming, huh?
I accepted his dinner invitation. Why?
Because I was:
1. drinking heavily at the time
3. drinking heavily at the time
4. had low self-esteem
5. drinking heavily at the time
6. didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone
We dated for several months, during which time he berated me every chance he got, which was a lot. He even forced himself on me (like in rape) and blamed me for not liking it, which I apologized for due to (see above list).
After the rape thing, I kind of knew he wasn’t the MB for me. I tried to avoid him by making excuses not to see him. Clever MB must have figured out what I was up to. Icelandic Dream Girl must have pulled something similar.
In a moment of weakness (see above list), I agreed to go with him on an outside adventure. I’m not the outdoorsey type. He fancied himself an Olympian in canoeing. Out we went onto an angry lake in a yellow death trap. I sat on the floor of the canoe which was swamped due waves cresting over the sides, my hands were claws gripping the edges of the damn boat/likely casket. I thought his plan was to drown me. Imagine my surprise when he proposed marriage to me. I told him I had to think about it, wanting to be on terra firma when I told him to screw himself. Which I did.
Congratulations, Lorna! I’ll be in touch to award your prize. And a martini.
Any new run-ins with miserable bastards? Um, any plans for spring? Talk to me. I love you.