Giveaway Junkie, humor

Is it…could it be…the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER?!

Marlon-bundo-giveaway-go-jules-go

THE DAY HAS COME, Chipmunks!

The day everyone showers me with attention, compliments, and permission to drink at 9 AM I announce the winner of my latest giveaway!

For this contest, I asked you to (pretty please) leave a comment describing your ideal birthday, with bonus points awarded for mentioning chipmunks. This particular commenter nailed it. I love word-y puns almost as much as I love sneaking “water” into the movies.

And thus, the winner of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver’s “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo” is…

SHENRYDAFRANKMAN!

Go-Jules-Go-birthday-giveaway-winner-2018Congratulations, SHENRYDAFRANKMAN! I’ll be in touch to send you your delightful spoils.

Oh. What’s that? You’re wondering what my ideal birthday would look like? That’s so sweet of you! I hadn’t really given it much thoug—

Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-1Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-2Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-3Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-4Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-5Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-6Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-8Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-9Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-10Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-11Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-12Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-13Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-14Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-15Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-17Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-18Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-19

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Photo Credits: Darren CrissChipmunksKetchup dogOreo dogBanana dogPopcorn dogTater tot dog; Justin Timberlake

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Giveaway Junkie, humor

A BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY!

Marlon-bundo-giveaway-go-jules-go

A birthday  giveaway? It’s true, Chipmunks. This spry young bunny before you is turning another year older.

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Hang on. Is that a gray hare hair?

In an effort to distract myself from the merciless hands of time, I’m giving you a gift! Well, one of you.

DISCLAIMER: This post contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission if you purchase the linked product, at no additional cost to you. I only ever link to products that I truly love. Like this.

Back in March, I ordered a copy of A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo, whose proceeds go to The Trevor Project and AIDS United. It was so popular that I had to wait over a month to get my paws on it. Well, it has finally arrived, and it’s so wonderful I can’t possibly keep it all to myself.

It may seem like I bounce from topic to topic, but there’s one thing I’ve always hoped was a-bunny-dantly clear (OKAY FINE I’LL STOP): The blog is all about the love. When I started as “Go Guilty Pleasures!”, I wanted a safe place for people to come together to dish about their embarrassing delights, like gypsy weddings and farting. It evolved to Go Jules Go, where I now talk about all kinds of hopes, dreams, fears, and things that allow you to laugh at with me (um…right?). Regardless of the name, I always, always wanted you to know: You are celebrated here.

And that’s what this book is all about.

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This book was Last Week Tonight with John Oliver‘s response to another children’s book that came out on the same day. A book that shall remain unnamed here, because, like I said.

Love.

Yada yada.

To make things even more magical, Paperless Post sent me some coins so I could make a pretty (and environmentally-friendly) invitation for this giveaway! (Turns out, you can create posters like the one below completely free!)

I’ve had friends send me invites through Paperless Post in the past and thought, “Well aren’t we fancy?” while secretly seething with jealousy. Now we can be fancy together!

GoJulesGo-PaperlessPost-invite

Want to win?

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment below by NOON EST on Saturday, April 28th explaining what the world’s best birthday would look like to you. Points awarded for humor, creativity and ability to compliment me mentioning chipmunks.

I’ll announce the winner on MAH BIRTHDAY, April 30th! Now hop to it! I’m going to go back to playing on Paperless Post.

GoJulesGo-Paperless-Post.png
So. FANCY!!!

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Giveaway Junkie, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Are Polygamist Pumpkins Legal?

Whew, I’m exhausted from sorting through all of the entries to my Halloween contest! I barely had time to dust off my slutty chipmunk costume.

Ha ha ha. Just kidding.

There were only two entries.

And I loved them all both. Almost as much as I love my sister wife and our 47 children.

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My real-life sister and I took things to the next level this Halloween.

In fact, I loved your entries so much that I tossed them into my cauldron and brewed up a batch of winning for everyone!  That’s right. For the first time in Go Jules Go Halloween contest history, I’ve combined your entries into a single jack-o-lantern carving!

Congratulations Lone Grey Squirrel and Peg-o-Legs Ramblings! You WON!

In response to my question, How would the world look if YOU were in charge?, you submitted the following gems:

halloween-2016-lone-grey-squirrel

halloween-2016-peg-o-leg

Now that we have our winners, it’s time to get down to carving business. As usual, I was filled with self-doubt. Could I come up with a design worthy of Peg-o-Leg and Lone Grey Squirrel’s submissions? My fears compounded after visiting Rise of the Jack-o-Lanterns.

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Babs (mom) isn’t sure I can hack it.
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Most of the carvings were a YUUGE hit. This one was just a six.

Based on Peg-o-Leg’s comment that if she ruled the world all IRS employees would have to wear the same uniform, the Julesie Crest Ensemble, I began my design.

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Next, the design transfer.

And lastly, the expert carving.

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If only you could see what my floor looked like at this moment.

Okay, so maybe you’re not impressed. Just wait until you hear what this REALLY is. A hacked up gourd? Oh, no, no, no.

In homage to Lone Grey Squirrel’s entry, this pumpkin is THE ultimate teaching tool for any Cat Sensitivity Training program – the only program of its kind aimed at reducing squirrel and chipmunk anxiety. If the felines fail to pay attention, all you need to do is turn out the lights, fire up a match, and BAM!

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A chipmunk crest will be forever emblazoned in their vision, turning them immediately vegetarian.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Don’t let #47 stay up too late eating candy.

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Giveaway Junkie

GIVEAWAY: “I Know What I’m Doing and Other Lies I Tell Myself” by Jen Kirkman!

Oh chipmunks. Do you remember those days when I used to give away slap bracelets, shake hands with babies, and make rainbows out of rain?

Jules-Rainbow-Puke

I miss those days.

But wait! Thanks to the Simon & Schuster publishing house, we’re getting old school up in here!

That’s right – another giveaway! I’ve cleared the cobwebs, opened the Franzia, and invite you all to vie for a chance to win a copy of…

“I Know What I’m Doing and Other Lies I Tell Myself” by Jen KirkMAN!

Kirkman_IKNOWWHATIMDOING6
Okay, so perhaps I’m a tad tardy with this giveaway.

I don’t know why Simon & Schuster contacted me. Jen Kirkman is a hilarious, divorced, comedy writer with an empty refrigerator and flawless fashion sense.

Oh wait.

Jules at an 'NSync concert; circa 2000.
Jules at an ‘NSync concert; circa 2000.

Jen is also stand-up comedian, best-selling author, and occasional cradle robber. If you’ve seen her Netflix comedy special, I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine), you know this gal is the real deal.

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I could give you a book synopsis, but I’d rather share my favorite quote:

“I looked at the second cheese board and lost my appetite. I was happy talking to Allison. I felt like myself again. I was happy. And when I’m happy I don’t abuse cheese. Cheese is a privilege.”

HOW TO ENTER

Simply leave a comment describing some of the worst advice you’ve ever given or been given (or observed being given). I’ll let the magnanimous Babs (mother extraordinaire) choose a winner, announced the week of May 1, 2016.

ENTER BY MIDNIGHT EST ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2016 TO WIN!

I-Know-What-Im-Going-Jen-Kirkman

P.S. – I’ve never stopped loving you. I’ve just been really busy. Reading this awesome book. And worrying about the apple slice I dropped between the driver’s seat and middle console of my car last week.

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Booze, Giveaway Junkie

And the Winner of the Wine Purse IS…

Last week, I introduced you to the unbelievably glorious wine purse by Vivajennz.

What's really unbelievable was that I only just heard about this.
What’s really unbelievable is that I only just heard about this.

Today, I announce the lucky Donald duck who gets to bring this Goofy puppy home!

Congratulations, Michelle! Your dedication to booze smuggling, coupled with your willingness to defile the Disney name, won the heart of our judge, Babs (mom)!

Michelle’s Winning Entry:

Thank you for letting me take such liberties with your profile image.
Thank you for letting me take such liberties with your profile image, too.

I’ll be in touch to award you with your BRAND NEW WINE PURSE! Many thanks to Vivajennz for exposing us to her ingenuity (and generosity)!

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Booze, Giveaway Junkie

THE BEST GIVEAWAY I’VE EVER DONE. Enter to Win by 10/26!

You know that feeling where you start to wonder if maybe you’ve taken something too far?

Yeah... me neither...
Yeah… me either…

Sometimes I wonder if my fondness for booze has overshadowed the real me. The genuine Jules. You know, the one who also enjoys quality time with friends and family hats.

Jules-Hersheys-Kiss-Hat-28Sep13

Nah. Because if that were true, if I ceased embracing my inner lush, I never would have heard from Jennifer, creator of Vivajennz and…

…wait for it…

…THE WINE PURSE.

Photo courtesy of vivajennz.com.
Photo courtesy of vivajennz.com.

I know. I can’t even. And now YOU can’t even, too – because Vivajennz sent me one of these bad boys gals to give away!

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This could be ALL YOURS.
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Cannot. EVEN!!!

To enter to win this reason for living, leave a comment below describing your most ingenious idea for concealing alcohol.

And don’t forget to check out more VivaJennz creations at VIVAJENNZ.COM!

Here are some ideas to help get the creative fermented grape juices flowing.

binocular-flask
Somehow I don’t think these will help you focus.
My personal favorite.
My personal favorite.
I actually have these.
I actually own these.

Entries accepted through midnight EST, Monday, October 26, 2015. And since today is Babs’ (my mom) birthday, we’ll let her pick the winner, to be announced Wednesday, October 28, 2015.

Happy 29th birthday, Babs.
Happy 29th birthday, Babs.

Cheers!

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Giveaway Junkie

GIVEAWAY WINNER: And The Most Miserable Bastard Is…

Wow. You know you’re an underachiever when a blog post writes itself, yet you’re still a week late in publishing it.

The-Happiness-AdvantageLast week Two weeks ago, I asked you to submit tales of run-ins with miserable bastards in an effort to win a copy of Shawn Achor’s “The Happiness Advantage,” a book about positive psychology (see what I did there? A little reverse psychology?).

I don’t know if I should say thank you or I’m sorry for your spectacular entries. You made my first eHarmony experience look like a fairy tale.

And thus, the winner of “The Happiness Advantage” is none other than…

Lorna from Lorna’s Voice!

Lorna
She’s going to use those stunning peepers to read this amazing book.

Lorna’s entry:

Okay. Here goes. The Reader’s Digest version of a blind date with a Miserable Bastard (MB) that ended up in a marriage proposal from hell.

The MB in question was a pompous ass lawyer. My friend set me up with him. I immediately began questioning my judgement in friends. During our first date all he could about was talk about:

1. himself
2. how much he hated the town we lived in (my home town, his new town)
3. his former girl friend who was of Nordic descent (I’ll call her Icelandic Dream Girl)

I thought it was a “one and done” kind of an evening, but he wanted to see me again for dinner, not just drinks, explaining that he only asked women out on first date for drinks because he didn’t want to waste his time and money for a whole “dinner thing” if the woman wasn’t his type. Charming, huh?

I accepted his dinner invitation. Why?

Because I was:
1. drinking heavily at the time
2. lonely
3. drinking heavily at the time
4. had low self-esteem
5. drinking heavily at the time
6. didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone

We dated for several months, during which time he berated me every chance he got, which was a lot. He even forced himself on me (like in rape) and blamed me for not liking it, which I apologized for due to (see above list).

After the rape thing, I kind of knew he wasn’t the MB for me. I tried to avoid him by making excuses not to see him. Clever MB must have figured out what I was up to. Icelandic Dream Girl must have pulled something similar.

In a moment of weakness (see above list), I agreed to go with him on an outside adventure. I’m not the outdoorsey type. He fancied himself an Olympian in canoeing. Out we went onto an angry lake in a yellow death trap. I sat on the floor of the canoe which was swamped due waves cresting over the sides, my hands were claws gripping the edges of the damn boat/likely casket. I thought his plan was to drown me. Imagine my surprise when he proposed marriage to me. I told him I had to think about it, wanting to be on terra firma when I told him to screw himself. Which I did.

The end.

Congratulations, Lorna! I’ll be in touch to award your prize. And a martini.

Any new run-ins with miserable bastards? Um, any plans for spring? Talk to me. I love you.

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