Tag: pumpkin carving

humor

Carving a Way: Lessons Learned from a Lifetime of Pumpkin Carving

Go Jules Go

Right now I’m staring down a bright orange, symmetrical pumpkin. “CARVE ME,” he’s whispering seductively. As I consider this new blank canvas, I can’t help but think back on all of the carvings I’ve done over the years decades. Sure, there are the actual carvings…

But then there’s the other kind, too. The pathways -relationships, careers, goals- we carve out for ourselves one stroke at a time. Wouldn’t it be great if we always knew the outcome when we set out with starry eyes and orange-handled knives? Or if someone gave us a book of patterns and all we had to do was choose our favorite one?

I’ll take option b(utt), please.

What if pumpkin carving lessons were actually life lessons we could learn from? Oh wait…

WARNING: Heavy-handed metaphors ahead.

LESSON #1 – Give Yourself Room to Breathe

Have you ever cut open the top of your pumpkin only to realize you can’t actually fit your hand inside to scoop out the guts? But you keep trying anyway? Several minutes later, with an aching paw, you face the inevitable and carve a larger hole, hoping it doesn’t infringe on your carving territory.

Lately, I’ve realized how often I say ‘yes’ to things only to later have to backpedal with profuse apologies and gut-wrenching guilt. Instead of knowing ahead of time that I need more space -in order to thrive, grow, and create- I dive into commitments and invitations blindly, not wanting to disappoint anyone. In the end, I wind up bruised and frustrated. The beauty of making this mistake so many times, though, is that I’m starting to learn just where the line needs to go.

Sorry. No can do. Working on a masterpiece here.

LESSON #2 – Prepare to Laugh at Yourself

If you’ve ever carved a pumpkin, you’ve probably had that “oh sh*t” moment when a crucial piece falls inside or your crescent moon winds up looking more like a misshapen croissant. Right then, time and effort (and maybe a few bucks) feel wasted.

Much like the $40 you spent on that pet torture device.

I have an independent streak as wide as Bob Ross’s fro, especially when it comes to pumpkin carving. Only a Jules original will do. Which means…my patterns usually suck at least a little. But I don’t care. Because they’re mine.

(I was told this one looks like he’s flipping someone off.)

One of the very best things about having this blog -besides how it connects me to you- is that it allows me to view every experience through a humorist’s lens. Dating, celebrity obsessions, missing thumbs, more dating… it’s all GREAT. The more embarrassing, the better.

LESSON #3 – The Right Tools Will Help You Succeed

Bigger is always better, right? Yeah, maybe when it comes to your Halloween candy haul, but definitely not when it comes to pumpkin carving knives. Those itty, bitty, jagged knives you find inside the $4.99 carving kits are actually the best! They’re sharper than a vampire’s fangs and handle detail really well.

Even in 2011, Uncle Jesse the Doodle Dog knew he’d score some pumpkin guts if he waited long enough.

Last winter, I was extremely depressed. For months. By the time I started to turn a corner, a global pandemic slammed us. This year, I decided to arm myself with a fully loaded toolkit to combat those winter blues. (It also helps that I won’t be kicking off the season by moving during a ridiculous snowstorm.) I’ve got plans to see family for Christmas (unlike last year), a backlog of exciting creative projects, and a car that doesn’t slide down icy hills. Bring it, Winter 2020.

But maybe don’t bring it too much.

LESSON #4 – There’s ALWAYS a Messy Part

Before you can even start carving, there’s the decidedly sticky process of ripping out your pumpkin’s guts. I hate this part. Everyone hates this part.

If you don’t hate this part, I’m very concerned for you and also will you please come over and help me with my pumpkin?

An hour later, though, the gooey gore is a distant memory as you sit cross-legged in your darkened closet, shouting for the nearest family member to come admire your handiwork.

“Guys. GUYS. It’s UNCLE JESSE. *PLAYING UNO.* …Why? I don’t need a ‘why’!!!”

This life lesson is one of the more obvious, but it bears repeating. Just like the old “caterpillar into a butterfly” metaphor, anything beautiful that I have ever carved -in pumpkins or in life- has only come after “the goo stage.”

Or the very sweaty, painful stage.

LESSON #5 – …And There’s ALWAYS a Light at the End Bottom of the Tunnel Jack-o-Lantern

What’s that? You took your lopsided croissant moon and turned it into a full moon? Your one-fanged vampire has decided to embrace his flaws? Your black cat looks creepier without a tail? You did it! You figured out life!

Because your life IS a work of art.

Even when it isn’t.

Very little ever goes according to plan, even when we have the perfect tools, the perfect pattern, the perfect pumpkin. But if you can roll with it? Your (jack-o-lantern) light will shine brighter than them all.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Giveaway Junkie, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Are Polygamist Pumpkins Legal?

Go Jules Go

Whew, I’m exhausted from sorting through all of the entries to my Halloween contest! I barely had time to dust off my slutty chipmunk costume.

Ha ha ha. Just kidding.

There were only two entries.

And I loved them all both. Almost as much as I love my sister wife and our 47 children.

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My real-life sister and I took things to the next level this Halloween.

In fact, I loved your entries so much that I tossed them into my cauldron and brewed up a batch of winning for everyone!  That’s right. For the first time in Go Jules Go Halloween contest history, I’ve combined your entries into a single jack-o-lantern carving!

Congratulations Lone Grey Squirrel and Peg-o-Legs Ramblings! You WON!

In response to my question, How would the world look if YOU were in charge?, you submitted the following gems:

halloween-2016-lone-grey-squirrel

halloween-2016-peg-o-leg

Now that we have our winners, it’s time to get down to carving business. As usual, I was filled with self-doubt. Could I come up with a design worthy of Peg-o-Leg and Lone Grey Squirrel’s submissions? My fears compounded after visiting Rise of the Jack-o-Lanterns.

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Babs (mom) isn’t sure I can hack it.

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Most of the carvings were a YUUGE hit. This one was just a six.

Based on Peg-o-Leg’s comment that if she ruled the world all IRS employees would have to wear the same uniform, the Julesie Crest Ensemble, I began my design.

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Next, the design transfer.

And lastly, the expert carving.

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If only you could see what my floor looked like at this moment.

Okay, so maybe you’re not impressed. Just wait until you hear what this REALLY is. A hacked up gourd? Oh, no, no, no.

In homage to Lone Grey Squirrel’s entry, this pumpkin is THE ultimate teaching tool for any Cat Sensitivity Training program – the only program of its kind aimed at reducing squirrel and chipmunk anxiety. If the felines fail to pay attention, all you need to do is turn out the lights, fire up a match, and BAM!

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A chipmunk crest will be forever emblazoned in their vision, turning them immediately vegetarian.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Don’t let #47 stay up too late eating candy.

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Giveaway Junkie, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Vlogalicious

EPIC POST ALERT: This Year’s Custom JACK-o-Lantern Winner Is…

Go Jules Go

SQUEE! It’s time! It’s finally time!

For this year’s Custom Jack-o-Lantern Giveaway Contest, I asked you to describe a FrankenFood – some odd food combo that you invented or sampled. Your submissions were spooktacular. Thank you!

It was a friiiiightfully difficult choice, but the winner is:

Marta from Oh My, Marta!

Marta’s entry:

Marta-gravatarI so have this! I invented the best thing ever (still need to get in contact with someone about marketing this) when I was perhaps not low but ____. What you do is take two nacho cheese Doritos, the crumbs are the best for this, and then take a somewhat stale (staleness dependent on preference) chocolate raisin and sandwich it in between the Doritos. Pop it in your mouth and experience heaven. Seriously.

I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Could it possibly be good? I liked Raisinets, and I loved Doritos, but together?

Photo credit: http://1funny.com
Photo credit: http://1funny.com

I had to know. I called for reinforcements:

Has there ever been a more polarizing FrankenFood? The overall verdict: WIN! You are my hero, Marta. But I already knew you had impeccable taste, given our shared love of Leonardo DiCaprio.Titanic-pumpkin-gourdThus, I present your prize – a custom jack-o-lantern:

STEP 1: DESIGN OVERLY AMBITIOUS PATTERN

Titanic-Pumpkin-1

STEP 2: RIP GUTS OUT OF PERFECT PUMPKIN

Titanic-Pumpkin-2

Step 3: Tape Design On Pumpkin While Palms Begin to Sweat

Titanic-Pumpkin-3

Step 4: transfer design And question everythingTitanic-Pumpkin-4

Step 5: Tell Yourself, “There’s No Turning Back Now” over and over while shoving Raisinitos in your face

Titanic-Pumpkin-5

Step 6: Begin to Realize Self-Worth

Titanic-Pumpkin-6

Step 7: Marvel

Titanic-Pumpkin-7

Congratulations, Marta! (And seriously. Get on this Raisinito thing, pronto.)

Oodles of thanks to She’s A Maineiac, Rachel’s Table, Accidental Stepmom, Cal-Hockley-titanic-3032768-720-540PEPPERMEISTER!, my family, and Magical Neighbor Jeff for your bravery. You are my double rainbow, the wind beneath my wings, the helpless little girl to my Cal Hockley.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Giveaway Junkie, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

“Hold Onto Your Hats” Halloween Contest: The WINNERS!

Go Jules Go

A few weeks ago, I asked readers to submit wacky hat pictures, either hats they owned, or ones they designed. The winner would receive a jack-o-lantern (designed and carved by yours truly) and Sun-Staches mustache glasses, and the runner-up would also get some ‘stache glasses.

And now the time has come to announce the winner(s).

So. Let’s not waste any time here, Chipmunks. There’s candy to steal and kids to traumatize!

1st Place

Runner-Up

Congratulations, Ladies! Now, let’s kick this Monster Mash up a notch… Misty, here is part one of your prize, a custom jack-o-lantern from yours truly – featuring your favorite mac and cheese maker! (Wait for it…)

THE DESIGN

This will all make sense soon. If you know Misty. If not, it’s still cool. …Right? Well hey. Ha. I had fun.

THE TRANSFER

While I designed this pattern, I used the Pumpkin Masters method of poking holes into the pumpkin to transfer the pattern. And no, they didn’t compensate me in any way to say that. In fact, never mind. I transferred this pattern using only the powers of my mind.

THE FINISHED PRODUCT

There are So. Many. Jokes. about Cracker Barrel here. But I won’t. Because I love Misty. And mac and cheese is delicious, wherever it comes from.

 

Congratulations, Misty and Speaker7! I’ll be in touch via email to award you with all that is ‘stache-y.

Thank you so much for playing along, Chipmunks! This contest is one of my faaaavorite things. EVER.

Happy Halloween!

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Happy Halloween, Chipmunkins!

Go Jules Go

First off, I’d like to give a Halloween shout-out to Mother Nature, for inspiring New Jersey to dress up like the North Pole this weekend. Very convincing and well executed, Garden State. Who needs power and running water, after all? (You don’t need it to gorge on peanut butter cups, and I guess that’s what really matters.)

Now let’s get this spooky party started, chubby-cheeked chipmunks!

I heard you couldn’t get enough of my jack-o-lanterns, so I thought I’d share some more of my finest fun-est creations. I’ve been carving one every year for the past 15 years.

Voyeur Pumpkin (Pumpkin Masters carving pattern, 2009)

Watch out, he's coming for you!

Oh no! He's coming for ME!

Headless Rider (Pumpkin Masters carving pattern, 2004)

Halloween Window (Pumpkin Masters carving pattern, 2007)

Uncle Jesse Playing Uno Pumpkin (a gojulesgo original, 2010)

He cheats.

Boyfriend Pumpkin (a gojulesgo original, 2006)

Pattern inspiration – Peppermeister‘s old band t-shirts:

What’s your favorite Halloween tradition?

P.S. – Stay tuned later this week for Uncle Jesse’s costume and other fun tricks and treats.

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Uncategorized, Vampires, Vlogalicious

And the Winner of GOGP’s First Video Blogging Contest IS…

Go Jules Go

Furry-in-a-hurry chipmunks, do you know how hard this was? A month ago, I decided to run a little video blogging contest, asking readers to submit a 30-second video about their silliest guilty pleasures. I wasn’t sure anyone would want to play along, and was thrilled (T-H-R-I-L-L-E-D) when Darla immediately jumped on board, encouraging several others to make a vlog soon thereafter.

I loved all of the submissions, for completely different reasons. I had a prize in mind for each and every one of you. Everyone is a winner.

Except there’s only one winner. 

This winner stole my heart while broadcasting from inside her closet. I think we can all agree her submission is hilarious – it even got Peppermeister laughing (and he doesn’t like to admit the things I think are funny are actually funny, even though they totally always are). That’s right. The winner is…

Deb from The Monster in Your Closet!!!

And now, I present to Deb her highly sought-after, one-of-a-kind prize: A custom jack-o-lantern! 

It started this morning with a sketch – should I try to carve Deb’s guilty pleasure (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), I wondered, or go with an homage to her blog theme (The Monster in Your Closet)? Here’s what I chose:

That didn’t seem quite right. So, I thought about making the monster look like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc.:

Still not right. Finally, I decided to make the monster a vampire-monster, to get the best of both worlds. He’s friendly because Deb is so sweet:

Next came taping the drawing onto the pumpkin, with Uncle Jesse (my dog) looking on curiously:

I transfered the outline of the drawing by poking holes into the pumpkin:

After carving, it looked like this:

And at last, the final product (picture taken, I should note, from inside my own closet)!

Hi Deb! My, you're looking winny today.

Congratulations, Deb!! You too are a guilty pleasure goddess. I would like to leave you with some Buffy dialogue about winning:

WHILE PLAYING THE GAME OF LIFE:

Anya: Crap! Look at this. Now I’m burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage…

Xander: That means you’re winning.

Anya: Really?

Xander: Yes, cash equals good.

Anya: Ooh, I’m so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

P.S. – If I stop responding to comments, someone please check Renée’s basement. (On a related note, if you haven’t seen her vlog submission, you really should watch it here. It puts the treat in trick-or-treat.)

Chipmunks Forever, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun, Uncategorized, Vlogalicious

The Next Big Thing: GOGP’s Video Blogging Craze!

Go Jules Go

My sweet, striped, forest-dwelling critters, I am about to harness the guilty pleasure god energy that was recently made available to me. Also steal borrow divine inspiration from the current vlogging trend about accents.

That’s right!

New vlogging phenomenon!

Starting right here, right now, courtesy of goguiltypleasures.com!

The Rules

#1 – Tell everyone who you are, why we should care, and what your silliest guilty pleasure is.

#2 – Incorporate my favorite word: heinous.

#3 – Oh yeah, you only have 30 seconds.  (Because every game is funnier when the clock is ticking.)

The Prize

It’s a surprise. I don’t want to alarm you, but let’s just say my pumpkin-carving skills rival my vlogging creativity.

Now, let’s kick this shizzle up to the next level and get started! And yes, this is my FIRST. EVER. VLOG!

YOUR TURN! (If you’d like to participate, but don’t have a blog or don’t want to post on your blog, feel free to submit videos on YouTube or directly to me at: JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com.)

DEADLINE: Pumpkin Season (a.k.a. October 22, 2011). …The contest might be over, but you can check out the winner and the AWESOME prize here!