S.O.S.! “Some Outrageous Sh*t” you won’t believe!

Earlier this summer, my parents went on a long-awaited Alaskan cruise. It had taken my father until his retirement to convince my mom, the infamous Babs, to set foot on the next Titanic.

She readied herself with Dramamine and shock therapy and off they went. Over the coming days, she sent fun updates and spectacular pictures.


My siblings and I were delighted to see things going so well. On the last night of their cruise, I noticed a mysterious post on Facebook:


I chose to remain optimistic. Perhaps they’d won a “Meet the New Kids On the Block in Anchorage!” giveaway, or at the very least, had had to stay an extra week and fold towel swans to pay off their bar tab.

Then? I got this:


Like…”severed” severed?

Because Babs was fighting for time on one of the ship’s few computers at 75 cents per minute, I didn’t get any more details. I only had time for one quick response.


I let Babs’ boss know she might not be back in the office until the following week, and added that I’d also let him know when we could safely begin the pun-off. He immediately texted Babs,

“I hope you can still catch your flight. Would hate to see you have to thumb your way home.”


Once Babs had proper access to cell towers and data, I learned that my dad had amputated his left thumb from the nail up that morning by leaving his hand in the door frame of their bathroom. The doors were made of Black Sabbath-level heavy metal and could swing shut from their sheer girth.

Now known as the guillotine.

Now known as The Guillotine.

The cruise ship medic said there was no saving the tip of his thumb, though Babs had dutifully brought it with them to the infirmary.

Hang on, Babs. You forgot the straw paper heart.

Hang on, Babs. You forgot the straw paper heart.

They eventually made it to the nearest hand surgeon in Anchorage, four hours away by bus, where doctors the doctor said my father would fare just as well coming home to New Jersey for surgery. No surprise, since their facilities were straight out of Northern Exposure.

Any John Corbett fans out there?

Any John Corbett fans out there?

I expected to see an ashen-faced version of my father, loopy on pain meds, when they finally landed back home. Instead, he was completely lucid and trying to carry his suitcase. Which is when he spotted my welcome home gift:


Babs needed sleep the way I need bacon-flavored vodka and compliments, so I drove my dad to a nearby Urgent Care center, part of Summit Medical Group, for a proper evaluation.

Another fantastic pun courtesy of Babs' boss.

More fantastic wordplay, courtesy of Babs’ boss.

It’s been a little over two months, and Pops has made a pretty full recovery. Did you know they offer physical therapy to the digitally disabled?

And since he’s doing so well?

Bring on the puns.

Bring on the puns. You know you want to.

You know you want to.

Do you have any vacation FIASCO STORIES HAND-Y?



50 responses to “S.O.S.! “Some Outrageous Sh*t” you won’t believe!

  1. Oh no! I’m glad he’s healing now!

  2. You guys are hilarious! I didn’t expect to start laughing so soon after reading the words “severed his thumbs.”

    (That waiting room would be rough for me. Claustrophobia atingle just looking at the image!)

  3. Left thumb? That’s a totally useless digit anyway… I cut mine pretty badly early in my career, and the boss said I don’t need that finger to type so I shouldn’t worry about it (and shouldn’t take any sick days).

  4. Great blog! 1 & 3/4 thumbs up!!

  5. Rule of thumb??? Avoid doctors dealing with 19 hours of daylight. But good news, your dad’s thumb war domination is OVAH !!!!!!!!!!!

  6. When I read that first pun, I did a facePALM. Getting that cryptic message and having to wait to get details must have been a NAIL biter. Sucks that I had to wait because of the ship’s crappy internet. Cmon, it’s the DIGITal age! You’d think they’d FINGER that kind of thing out by now.

    OK, I’ll stop and leave some puns for others…

  7. Are Mom and Dad going to re-name the ship after you once the settlement is reached?

    • Of course. I think, “Go Jules GOOOO HURRY UP GO FOR THE LOVE OF BACON WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR I LOST MY F#$^$%*&%^ THUMB OWWWWWWW” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

  8. On the one hand, horrified gaze at final image.
    On the other hand, holy shit still can’t get over the mental image of severing a finger via door slam.

    *flail dance of nope*

    (You can count the top two lines as both comment & pun because I am cool like that.) 😀

  9. This post had it all, horror, humor, Northern Exposure. Your poor dad! AHHHH! I cringe. And your mom retrieving it like a trooper. I would have panicked and fainted (this is why I shouldn’t be in the medical field….)

  10. This is why doors should be banned

  11. Like Michelle Shocked sang, “You know you’re in the largest state of the union when you’re thumbless down in Anchorage.”

  12. Gives a whole new meaning to “just the tip.” Glad everyone is in good spirits after the Severing of 2015.

  13. This literally made me laugh out loud! Not at your dad, just in general. I’m not THAT girl. 🙂

  14. Your Dad gives this post two thumbs up. Oh. No. Wait. I have to check my math book. Maybe I should have written one thumb and 7/8th of a thumb?

  15. thepighasacurlytail

    In my youth, I’ve had my left-hand ring finger crushed twice in door jams. Once in the bathroom and once in a car. (Ouch!) Luckily it recovered both times.

  16. Hilarious but wow that must have hurt!

  17. That’s such an unusual thing to happen on a cruise! In sickbay, he probably stuck out like a sore…

  18. Lady, you can wright!! I thoroughly enjoyed the story, interlaced with the message and chuckled all the way. Aside from thinking: your poor dad!

  19. Pingback: S.O.S.! “Some Outrageous Sh*t” you won’t believe! | that little voice

  20. I was watching the Giants game the other day, waiting to see if Jason Pierre-Paul gave anyone a high four.

  21. I’ve never seen so many thumb puns in one place. Good job 👍!

  22. I guess your dad’s hitchhiking days are over.
    Glad he’s on the mend.

  23. That is so messed up. I hope your parents were compensated for their stay and the medical costs. What an unsettling injury. I won’t make fun of him for it. Thumbs the word!

    I mean “mums”! I mean “mums”!

  24. Hahahah, you suck!

    Time for your pop to start giving you the finger.

  25. So, your Dad was all thumbs and is now at a disadvantage in this digitally-filled world where you can let your fingers do the walking?

  26. Pingback: Nailed it. | Go Jules Go

Leave a Reply. Because I Love You.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s