humor, Just For Fun

I’m gonna get WEIRD with it.

Jules-gypsy

“So the ultimate goal, really,” the instructor said, brushing back a curly red lock that had broken loose from her bun, “is to start seeing the whole world this way: a universe filled with divinely placed signs and symbols to help guide you.”

I shuffled a large, colorful deck of cards for the tenth time, glancing around the room at the handful of other students. There was the older woman who introduced herself as a teacher’s assistant, a gray-haired man with turquoise beads around his neck, and someone about my age, in her mid-to-late 30’s.

We sat in the brightly colored yoga studio barefooted, having all been instructed to remove our shoes and wash our hands as soon as we had arrived.

“When you first get your cards,” the instructor continued, “you’ll need to cleanse them. For today, you can wave them over one of these candles, but make sure to pause on each one.”

enchanted-map-oracle-cards
If I burn these I’m going to be really pissed.

She then explained how to develop our own interpretations of the “oracle cards” in our hands – oversized decks depicting vivid images and words.

“They come in all kinds of themed decks,” she went on, adjusting her blue-framed glasses, “and you can mix them however you’re called to.”

We spent the next two hours learning about the importance of color, challenging our initial associations between words and images, and tapping into our “inner knowing.”

Fast forward a week later, and I found myself registering for this:

Oracle-card-class

Yup. That’s right. Part two. I went back for more.

oracle-card-spread
I mean, you can’t be an oracle card expert without learning how to create your own…intuitive…spreads…right?

Before the end of the second class, I was accurately predicting which cards I’d turn over – from a deck I’d never seen before!

So what was I doing there? Did someone drug me? Threaten to steal my dog? Promise free tickets to see Darren Criss and Lea Michele?

LMDC_TOUR_YOUTUBE
Oh wait. That’s already happening. I love you, Jenn! Photo credit.

Last summer, I started tugging on a thread that quickly unraveled, revealing a treasure trove of paths to explore. By “following my allurements,” as a favorite teacher of mine likes to say, my love of learning and reading returned with a bang, hidden in a pile of metaphysical books and podcasts.

Hoopla-screenshot

This led to a daily meditation practice, which led to more reading, which led to the aforementioned class and which will soon lead to a “Find Your Spirit Guide” weekend retreat at Omega Institute and a Quantum Hypnosis Healing Therapy session in August.

Along with sharing all of my embarrassing snafus and guilty pleasures, I’m letting this smelly cat out of the bag.

Phoebe-Friends
My dad always pegged me for a Phoebe. Photo credit.

Astrology? Reiki? Past lives? Numerology? Near death experiences? Crystals? Sound healing? Chakra balancing? Spirit animals? Astral projection? Telepathy?

Jules-abduction

BRING IT ON.

The more I’ve explored, the more I want to know. The humorist in me loves that this is all just another way of following the classic improv mantra, “Yes, and.” The humane educator in me loves that this is just another way to acknowledge we’re all connected. The chipmunk in me loves that this is just another way to guarantee I’ll find some nuts. The project manager in me loves that this isn’t woo-woo at all; as Carl Sagan put it, “science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality.”

I’m finally finding words to articulate the strange things I’ve always experienced. And, the funny thing is, the more I’ve started opening up about this, the more I’ve found like-minded chipmunks everywhere. I mean seriously. Ya’ll were holding out.

Anyhoo. I’ll make sure to send postcards from down the rabbit hole.

Jules-rabbit-hole

~*~*~*~*~*~

All right, ‘fess up. Who’s with me?!?!

~*~*~*~*~*~

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Food, humor, PSAs

Sleeping With the Frenemy

I graduated therapy recently.

What? You didn’t know that was a thing?

Go-Jules-Go-nerd
Hang on. Is it NOT a thing?

After about two and a half years on the couch, including a brief affair with hypnotherapy, I was released.

But Go Jules Go, you’re probably thinking. You? Therapy? How can this be? Is it the chipmunk thing? ‘Cause that’s been making me kind of uncomfortable for a long time now.

It’s true, friends. This hilarious, blonde bombshell you see before you has some clumps in her mascara.

GOGP_Chipmunk_SecondHusband_tree
Also the chipmunk thing.

At first I felt uneasy being set free. Who would I talk to? And then I remembered you!

GoJulesGo gets ready for BlogHer'12

The thing that made me realize my therapist was right, that I was indeed ready to stand on my own two, massive, massive, size 11 feet, was the fact that I had made friends with my demons. I’d invited them onto that couch with me, and instead of trying to suffocate them with one of my therapist’s oversized pillows, we started chatting.

eHarmony-Frank-Jules-Lady-and-the-Tramp
Once we got to know each other, we realized we had so much in common!

The one demon in particular who led me to therapy was an old friend frenemy. FOOD.

jules-impossible-burger
That basic b*tch.

When I’m stressed, angry, sad, wondering why Darren Criss still hasn’t returned my calls, you name it, I’ll let it build and build and then the sun will set and suddenly I’m surrounded by crumbs, salt and shame. Even positive things, like embracing an ethical vegan lifestyle, running a marathon, going back to grad school, and making the move to tiny living, brought monumental anxiety.

Every moment in my personal history, a history rich with love, laughter, beautiful sights and broken hearts, is colored by whatever I happened to weigh at that time. Give me any year back to 1991, when I was 9 years old, and I can probably provide an exact number – and exactly how I felt about that number.

During my first couple of years in therapy, I thought I could fix whatever the hell was wrong with me. I knew food was a merely symptom, but for goddsakes, I was in my mid-30s now, surely time to turn a corner here. Then I realized: My issues were never going away, least of all this one.

And that’s what has made all the difference.

My issues and I can sit side by side in this life, sometimes in companionable silence, other times in a raging battle, and everything is going to be O-KAY. It’s how I relate to them, how I deal with them moment to moment, that really matters. Why not pull my darkest parts into the light where I can admire and understand every ugly lovely inch of them? They are part of me, after all.

Besides, if I’m going to fret over anything, it should be the fact that Darren Criss STILL hasn’t called me back.

Blaine_gleewikia
My love has only had time to mature, Darren!

“I remember how panicked I was when I first came here,” I said to my therapist on our second to last visit, gazing between her cluttered desk and oversized necklace. “It’s not that my issues have gone away. It’s just that I feel so much differently about them. So much calmer.”

She nodded. “Does that feel like progress?” 

“If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is,” I replied.

So now that I’ve invited my favorite frenemy over to spend some quality time, I’ve decided (s)he needs a name.

I’m thinking Osama binge Laden. Yes? No?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Any other frenemies out there you’d like to introduce?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Giveaway Junkie, humor

Is it…could it be…the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER?!

Marlon-bundo-giveaway-go-jules-go

THE DAY HAS COME, Chipmunks!

The day everyone showers me with attention, compliments, and permission to drink at 9 AM I announce the winner of my latest giveaway!

For this contest, I asked you to (pretty please) leave a comment describing your ideal birthday, with bonus points awarded for mentioning chipmunks. This particular commenter nailed it. I love word-y puns almost as much as I love sneaking “water” into the movies.

And thus, the winner of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver’s “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo” is…

SHENRYDAFRANKMAN!

Go-Jules-Go-birthday-giveaway-winner-2018Congratulations, SHENRYDAFRANKMAN! I’ll be in touch to send you your delightful spoils.

Oh. What’s that? You’re wondering what my ideal birthday would look like? That’s so sweet of you! I hadn’t really given it much thoug—

Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-1Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-2Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-3Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-4Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-5Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-6Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-8Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-9Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-10Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-11Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-12Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-13Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-14Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-15Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-17Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-18Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-19

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Photo Credits: Darren CrissChipmunksKetchup dogOreo dogBanana dogPopcorn dogTater tot dog; Justin Timberlake

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Kvetching, Marriage, Music

“I Do”-Wop

When my BFF, Jenn, asked how things were going in Plural Marriage-ville, she was surprised by my answer.

Here’s a taste of why.

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Third-Hub-band-4

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Hubs-band-Ed

Third-Hub-band-7

Third-Hub-band-8

Third-Hub-band-9

Third-Hub-band-10

Third-Hub-band-11

Third-Hub-band-12

Hubs-Band-b

Hubs-Band-correction

Third-Hub-band-15

Hubs-Band-other-correct

Third-Hub-band-17

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3rd-hub-band-v2

Hubs-Band-final-correct

Third-Hub-band-21

Julesbandpost

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Have you ever been in a band, or wish you had been? Any groupies out there?

P.S. – Special thanks to Jenn, and to those of you who suggested The Hubs form a band. Less special thanks to Hubs 1 through 3. Now cut that sh*t out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Marriage, Wipe the Drool

My Bed is Getting Cold

As many of you Chipmunks know, I have a long-standing polyandrous situation in my house. Sure, First Husband, Peppermeister, is great, but…Scrabble…is more fun with extra players. Cue Second Husband, Darren Criss (of Glee fame).

Things have been grand over the past year, but our bed is really, really big. So.

Enough chatter. I’m cold.

GoJulesGo-Cold-Bed

Let’s review the candidates…

#1 – My BFF, Jenn

My dearest wife Jules,

Jenn-bday-WickedAfter all these years, I know it’s obvious to you I was born to be your third and only (hmmm, we’ll have to work on that – we have time).  But perhaps your readers, like the majority of state legislatures in our fair nation, need a pinch of persuasion.  After all, they haven’t:

  •  worked retail with me
  • fallen in/out of love with my brother
  • fled to the arms of another man from dated YOUR brother
  • taken a kick ass road trip with me
  • nearly died with me

Okay, those last two are really the same thing, but I’ll make it count for two.

Jules, I was born to be your Third Husband, because let’s face it.  I got this vow shizz locked up like a three-peat offender.  In good times and in bad?  How much better can it get than our impending wedding date in the banquet hall of a Greek restaurant in Texas that rents its second floor as apartments? (B-T-Dubs, my first guest post as Hub3 – just sayin’.)

JULES + JENN 4-EVER.
JULES + JENN 4-EVER.

And bad times?  Let’s be honest, we’ve already hit rock bottom together.  Amazingly, I’m not even talking about vodka here.  On our road trip [from New Jersey to Georgia in 2002], you lost your wallet, like, 27 minutes in.  We were checked into the Blue Ridge Motor Lodge (I could stop here) by a heavily bleeding sexagenarian who begged us to take a plunge in his toad-infested pool (he really did have a surprisingly strong grasp on metaphor). Then our friend couldn’t meet up with us in Atlanta as planned because he was… oh, that’s right… IN JAIL.  And to top it all off, we nearly died.  On a cliff.  We nearly went over a cliff together.  Can’t you just see the Thelma and Louise motif on our engraved invitations?

When we I backed up on the freshly wet gravel, smack into the electrified fence that was then the only thing between my back tires and the plummet, and the passenger door was pinned shut by the… voltage, didn’t I demand that you climb over me to safety?  Wriggle between my body and the steering wheel, out the driver’s door, before I even THOUGHT about escaping myself?

Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.
Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.

And when the farmer in denim overalls, sans shirt or underwear, came strolling out to look at my handiwork with his fence… and you asked him where exactly we were…. when he removed the hay from both his teeth to reply: “Girly, you’re in the middle of nowhere…”     Well, girly, he couldn’t have been more wrong.  We could never be lost as long as we’re together.

So, in conclusion:

I, BFF, take you, GJG, to be my unlawfully wedded wife, to have (mercy) and hold (your hair back), from this day forward. For better (see above) and worse (ditto), for richer (I’m not worried) and poorer (we got this), in sickness (check) and health (too late), until Blue Ridge Mountain death do us part.

Love,

Jenn

#2 – Adam Levine

Jules-Adam-Levine
No, I don’t, Adam. Show, I mean tell, me.

Hey Jules,

You know what they say about guys with tattoos…

xox,

Adam

P.S. – I do yoga.

#3 – Justin Timberlake

Jules,

You knew I'd come back for you, Jules.
You knew I’d come back for you, Jules.

I’ve wracked my brain abs for a way to properly thank you for convincing me to finally bring sexy back. Are you enjoying my new album, The 20/20 Experience, which dropped March 19th? Oh wait, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And how I plan to repay you…

Hugs and Harmonies (and more?),

JT

#4 – Bacon

My Jules,Pi Day Pie Bacon-2

Duh.

-Bacon

#5 – ?

Third-Husband-Mystery-ManThat’s right, Chipmunks. Here’s your chance to nominate someone else, or throw your teeny, tiny, adorable hat in the ring. And take it from Jenn: I’m very open-minded…

Submit your 5th candidate ideas [in the comments section below] by NOON EST Wednesday, March 27th. Polls will open Thursday, March 28th at 6am EST!

Brrr.
Brrr.
Marriage, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Second Husband & Go Jules Go: Our First Conversation

So, I maybe had a little too much to drink the other night, and started having an imaginary conversation with Second Husband, Darren Criss (of “Glee” fame). This is that conversation.

Honestly, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

GO JULES GO: I love you so much. I don’t even care if that makes you uncomfortable.

SECOND HUSBAND: Um…

GO JULES GO: It’s funny you say that. When I was about to molest First Husband, he had a similar reaction.

SECOND HUSBAND: Um…

GO JULES GO: Yes! Exactly like that. I was all, “Do you think I’m pretty?” and he was all, “Um…” and I was like, “How would you feel if I did something stupid right now?” and he was like, “Um…” and then I attacked him.

SECOND HUSBAND: …Attacked?

GO JULES GO: Well, you know. Kissed. Geesh. Didn’t you read my guest post for Laughter is Catching?

SECOND HUSBAND: Guest…post? Is that like when you fill in for someone on security duty?

GO JULES GO: Ha ha! There is so much I can teach you, Second Husband! Let us start with the rules of plural marriage.

SECOND HUSBAND: I don’t like where this is going.

GO JULES GO: Oh, don’t be coy. You know I saved the best for last.

SECOND HUSBAND: So you’re stopping at two husbands? How am I supposed to believe that?

GO JULES GO: Well, if you’d just grow a handlebar mustache I’d feel a lot better about making this official.

SECOND HUSBAND: I would rock the shiz out of a handlebar mustache.

GO JULES GO: I know you would. And you just said shiz.

SECOND HUSBAND: So?

GO JULES GO: So I love you.

THE END

Who are you having imaginary conversations with?

***SUPER IMPORTANT ALERT THAT YOUR HAPPINESS PROBABLY DEPENDS ON: I’m wrapping up the Go Guilty Pleasures slap bracelet extravaganza, so if you have any unseen slap bracelet pictures, the deadline is THIS WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6th. I hope you’ll send them to me at Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com. Oh and I think you’re swell. Even if you don’t have a slap bracelet.***

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun, Lists, TV Junkie

Your Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit

I feel guilty about the lack of pleasures on this blog as of late. Because of personal and professional duties doodies, I haven’t been able to post as regularly as I would like. (Either that will change soon, or I will go Britney Spears circa 2007 on ya’ll.)

No one wants to see this.

I hear your cries. I know. It’s unacceptable. So, to get you through to the next post, I give you your very own…

Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit!

Indulge in these items, and it’ll be like I’m right there with you (hopefully in a slightly uncomfortable way…I love that shirt on you).

1.) More ME

Some things just scream, 'Winner!'

If you haven’t seen my last cinematic masterpiece in celebration of my 1-year blogiversary, you’re dead to me. Watch it! You’ll love it! Critics are calling it, “Um, who are you?” “The best thing since your video before that.” When you’re done watching, check out my archive over there —–>. 132 thought-provoking posts.

2.) Tube Schmoob

Did you know Johnny Depp was this funny? I didn't. (Photo Credit: http://static.guim.co.uk/)

I’ll be honest. There are a couple of free hours at night where I could be writing, but vodka and American Idol always wins. (Although, let’s remember this is technically research for me.) Be a boob tube schmoob with me and check out some of my new favorite shows:

Billy on the Street

I give you the full scoop here.

Smash

If you love Glee and American Idol like your favorite guilty pleasure blogger, you’ve got to give NBC’s new Katherine McPhee-a-palooza a shot. Let’s just forget about Nick Jonas’s guest appearance last week. Suspend your disbelief a little longer.

Life’s Too Short

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have done it again with this HBO winner starring little person, Warwick Davis. It was touch-and-go for the first episode, but bringing Johnny Depp into episode #2? Genius. Davis’s assistant is also not to be missed.

3.) Second Husband Croaks!

This much cute almost shouldn't be allowed. (Photo Credit: eonline.com)

My beautiful Second Husband, Darren Criss, got to perform with Kermit the Frog for E’s Oscar pre-show last weekend! They sang Rainbow Connection and the result was magical. You can watch the video here.

4.) Tried-and-True Food/Beverage Combos

"Why do birds, suddenly appear..."

I have graciously road-tested the following food combinations for you over the past two weeks. You can enjoy knowing they have the GOGP stamp of approval.

  • cherry peppers on pizza
  • chocolate chips mixed into cupcake batter
  • refried beans and bacon
  • vodka and Simply grapefruit juice

As a reminder, please indulge recklessly, and whatever you do, DON’T:

  • use the following words or phrases in casual conversation (and maybe don’t use them ever):
    • return on investment
    • reproach
    • stepwise progression
    • incumbent upon
    • optimizing spend
  • open a sleeve of Thin Mints and leave any uneaten
  • watch Vampires Suck
  • wear all black and change your name to “Shadow Catcher”
  • forget chipmunks are windows to the soul

Go forth, my sweet chipmunks, and don’t forget to report back!

What guilty pleasures are keeping you alive?