As many of you Chipmunks know, I have a long-standing polyandrous situation in my house. Sure, First Husband, Peppermeister, is great, but…Scrabble…is more fun with extra players. Cue Second Husband, Darren Criss (of Glee fame).
Things have been grand over the past year, but our bed is really, really big. So.
Enough chatter. I’m cold.
Let’s review the candidates…
#1 – My BFF, Jenn
My dearest wife Jules,
After all these years, I know it’s obvious to you I was born to be your third and only (hmmm, we’ll have to work on that – we have time). But perhaps your readers, like the majority of state legislatures in our fair nation, need a pinch of persuasion. After all, they haven’t:
- worked retail with me
- fallen in/out of love with my brother
- fled to the arms of another man from dated YOUR brother
- taken a kick ass road trip with me
- nearly died with me
Okay, those last two are really the same thing, but I’ll make it count for two.
Jules, I was born to be your Third Husband, because let’s face it. I got this vow shizz locked up like a three-peat offender. In good times and in bad? How much better can it get than our impending wedding date in the banquet hall of a Greek restaurant in Texas that rents its second floor as apartments? (B-T-Dubs, my first guest post as Hub3 – just sayin’.)
JULES + JENN 4-EVER.
And bad times? Let’s be honest, we’ve already hit rock bottom together. Amazingly, I’m not even talking about vodka here. On our road trip [from New Jersey to Georgia in 2002], you lost your wallet, like, 27 minutes in. We were checked into the Blue Ridge Motor Lodge (I could stop here) by a heavily bleeding sexagenarian who begged us to take a plunge in his toad-infested pool (he really did have a surprisingly strong grasp on metaphor). Then our friend couldn’t meet up with us in Atlanta as planned because he was… oh, that’s right… IN JAIL. And to top it all off, we nearly died. On a cliff. We nearly went over a cliff together. Can’t you just see the Thelma and Louise motif on our engraved invitations?
When we I backed up on the freshly wet gravel, smack into the electrified fence that was then the only thing between my back tires and the plummet, and the passenger door was pinned shut by the… voltage, didn’t I demand that you climb over me to safety? Wriggle between my body and the steering wheel, out the driver’s door, before I even THOUGHT about escaping myself?
Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.
And when the farmer in denim overalls, sans shirt or underwear, came strolling out to look at my handiwork with his fence… and you asked him where exactly we were…. when he removed the hay from both his teeth to reply: “Girly, you’re in the middle of nowhere…” Well, girly, he couldn’t have been more wrong. We could never be lost as long as we’re together.
So, in conclusion:
I, BFF, take you, GJG, to be my unlawfully wedded wife, to have (mercy) and hold (your hair back), from this day forward. For better (see above) and worse (ditto), for richer (I’m not worried) and poorer (we got this), in sickness (check) and health (too late), until Blue Ridge Mountain death do us part.
Love,
Jenn
#2 – Adam Levine
No, I don’t, Adam. Show, I mean tell, me.
Hey Jules,
You know what they say about guys with tattoos…
xox,
Adam
P.S. – I do yoga.
#3 – Justin Timberlake
Jules,
You knew I’d come back for you, Jules.
I’ve wracked my
brainabs for a way to properly thank you for convincing me to finally bring sexy back. Are you enjoying my new album, The 20/20 Experience, which dropped March 19th? Oh wait, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And how I plan to repay you…Hugs and Harmonies (and more?),
JT
#4 – Bacon
My Jules,
Duh.
-Bacon
#5 – ?
That’s right, Chipmunks. Here’s your chance to nominate someone else, or throw your teeny, tiny, adorable hat in the ring. And take it from Jenn: I’m very open-minded…
Submit your 5th candidate ideas [in the comments section below] by NOON EST Wednesday, March 27th. Polls will open Thursday, March 28th at 6am EST!
Brrr.
You obviously know who I’m nominating and who would be perfect for you. Do I need to even say it? Okay, I’ll say it: Hugo.
Dearest Hugo,
Can I be assured you overcompensate for your lack of a bottom half?
xox,
Jules
Let’s put Adam’s head on Justin’s body, pork him full of bacon (hello, Pun) (b/c Justin and Adam are both kinda skinny) and THEN let him roll into bed with you.
This is like a 3rd Husband Unicorn!
You’re a genius.
Though I was kind of hoping you’d toss your hat in the ring.
Hey man, if you don’t hog the blankets and don’t mind my on-again insomnia, I’m all for a good Jersey Snuggle.
Are you one of these people who cleans the kitchen and folds laundry when they can’t sleep? Because if so, consider the covers YOURS.
I clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, do the dishes, etc. regardless. It won’t even be a consideration when I can’t sleep because the chores will already be done. Therefore, I look forward to my warm spot. Thanks. 🙂
I’ve got a chipmunk wine charm with your name on it. Snuggle up – champagne’s getting warm, too.
I’m on my way!!! Watch out Jersey! 🙂
You’re funny. I vote for the ice cream man. He brings the goods with some good humor, what more could you ask for?
1. Thank you (and likewise)!
2. OMG. Would I get to hang out in his truck and pick the songs? Or, better still, could I have Justin sing them (“Bring it on down to ice cream ville!”)?
well, if you chose ice cream man, you may wind up another guest in your bed. where the ice cream man goes, the icescreammama will follow. 🙂
SCORE. You are so right. Picking him would open so many (bedroom) doors.
just something to think about.. 😉
I’ll be back. But I just wanted to mention that even a shirtless JT could not distract from the realization that you put a pic of yourself in only your skivvies on your blog. It was a close thing, but I DID in fact notice. Bravo, girl. Muy Sexio!!
Dear Misty,
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
xox,
Jules
P.S. – Hurry back. It’s Snuggle o’clock.
Be right there . . . I’ll bring the Bacon Pop Tarts.
And you know I won’t kick you out of bed for eating
crackersbacon. Not sure what [3rd Hub Candidate] Bacon will do to you, though.I could go REALLY dirty here . . . but I won’t. Family blog and all that. Just use your imagination as to what I ALMOST just said. You’re welcome. 😉
I need a cigarette.
Ok, I’m back . . . let’s do this thing.
Well, obviously I will be throwing my bacon-loving self in as husband/wife #5. Here are my qualifications:
1. I am not a huge fan of Darren Criss, JT or Adam Levine, so I would not in any way inhibit YOUR ability to do whatever it is you would like to do with them.
2. I love and cook bacon, and would bring my many 50 Shades of Bacon recipes to the mix. Bacon is a good sport as well. And he likes to cuddle. And be eaten. We could have some fun, the 3 of us. In bed or out.
3. I am a good gifter. Please refer to numerous items previously gifted upon you in the past. That would continue, especially if we were betrothed. I save all the best shiz for my bestests.
4. I always come with booze. Always. Ask Thoughtsy. 😉
5. I am EXTREMELY low maintenance. A good book, a bath and a glass of wine, and I’m a happy girl. No fancy pants dinners, flowers or diamonds for me!! Oh, and I have a HUGE . . . bathtub. Just saying. 😉
6. I don’t get jealous. I’m totally cool with sharing. I think that is an important trait in a polygamous relationship.
7. I already own mustache glasses AND slap bracelets. We are practically engaged already.
And with that, I make my submission. I believe we could all be very happy together . . . just say the word. 🙂
Oh Misty. You had me at “bacon.” Also “bathtub.” And “booze.”
What are your thoughts on silk sheets?
Brava! BRAVA!! (Standing up and clapping furiously)
You….he….sexy underwear….glistening abs…bacon….my mind is racing here. Too much hotness to handle all at once.
And here I was thinking I’d have nothing to do today. Now I’m off to put my computer techno-jibba-jabba skillz to good use so I can create an Adam-JT-bacon man on my PowerPoint. Thank you, JD!!
Why thank you, DP! And please don’t joke about PowerPoint.
I know you’d never toy with me like that, though. Just don’t be long. My feet are cold. And Justin’s asking for baby oil. AGAIN.
That JT…sigh…. always so needy. Did you see him on Fallon? Killed me! Hysterical.
I just realized I didn’t throw down more options for you. Speaking of abs, I choose Ryan Gosling.
You bet your LL Bean lighted hat I saw him on Fallon. On for the whole week. Le sigh. When they did that “Jacob’s Patience” skit (with the fake arms), I DIED.
I feel like I’m going to get kicked out of the Girl Club for saying this, but Ryan Gosling has NEVER done it for me.
Oh, JD. Oh, no no no! JD. No! Ryan?! (shaking head)
Your Ryan Gosling is my Matthew McConaughey. And George Clooney. Yep. Does. Nothing. For me.
So I don’t suppose Ryan is gonna get any votes, huh. Shame. I’ll take him for you.
Nope, those guys don’t do it for me, either, though I like them as actors. As far as A-Listers go, I like Leo, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck… Yes, please.
Leo! I vote LEO!! (ben and matt? phooey. Good actors of course, but, nope)
But everyone knows if you pick Matt OR Ben, you get both. It’s written in the Good Will Hunting for Booty clause.
Bah. Never saw that movie.
DUDE. Watch it or….I don’t know….something will happen. I feel like I don’t even know you.
No vodka?
Moustache glasses?
One could argue vodka’s how I got into this situation in the first place.
I’m voting for a bacon covered JT. But, I am on my third husband. Serious. OMG, my husband’s initials are JT and he loves bacon. How lucky am I? On that note, is Peppermeister up for auction or anything? I need a gardener.
Nice! Bacon love is mandatory for all my spouses; I probably should have specified, but hopefully it was implicit.
Perhaps we could do a rotation? Does your husband know anything about cars?
Nope. Mechanically useless. He does have decent handy man skills around the house, though. He can cook. He snores like a freight train. That’s a deal breaker for most people.
This is too much for a Monday morning. Too…..Much… The bacon, the JT, you in your skivvies. I’m barely awake and I’m supposed to deal with all THIS???? Need coffee before I can process…
Bacon + JT have that effect on me, too, Peggles. I never wanted writing this post to end.
After seeing those photos, you know I want to name myself as third husband, right?
They inspired another haiku:
Pillow fights and pony tails
Limbs intertwining
Is there room for me in bed?
Let us paint toenails
And feed on ripe strawberries.
Yes, they are local.
Just realized I wrote a backwards haiku. The guy that made up haikus is turning over in his grave right now.
I’ve messed up haikus
So many times it’s scary.
But after all, I’m blonde.
Excuse my error
I blame the naked photos
Blondes DO have more fun
Well, who can compete with bacon. That’s all the meat you nee right there.
Well played. I whole-clogged-heartedly agree.
Holy Crap – you’re brave. I can hardly stand the ONE I have!
Fortunately, I’ve buried a “Praying Mantis” clause in the ‘multiple spouse’ contract.
“praying mantis” clause – practically the funniest thing ever written in a comment.
Oooh Peggles Stamp of Approval. Nice. Please make that a badge I can put on my blog. (I’m being serious.)
I’m going to be the blogging world’s Badge Master – reminds me of my days as a Girl Scout troop leader!
That reminds ME, someone keeps getting Thin Mint crumbs in bed.
Why stop at #3???
It really is an excellent question. I’m also considering a rotation.
Well, Adam is a good option, there’s a pic of him naked with just his man parts being held by a hand floating around the internet… yeah, ‘nuf said! But a 5th option…hmmmm, I’m still thinking about Adam 😉
You have NO idea how close I was to using that picture of him, but I think I maxed out my naked quotient.
I’m going to think about that picture for the rest of my life.
Hm, this does not seem like a situation where the red dress will be an asset. My pie-baking abilities on the other hand…
Going to have to break out the resume-building software for this one.
Clothing optional for Spouse #3. But bring the dress and the jeans, just in case.
P.S. – And the pie.
I noticed a distinct lack of black men/women in your list for husband number three.
Therefore, as you like singers (Justin Timberlake….not Adam Levine….because, as I told you previously, he has a cakey voice) and tattoo’s, I picked you a black, tattooed singer for husband number three.
His name is Chris Brown…….I believe he’s a real charmer and a sure fire ladies man.
Just don’t make him angry……
Is Chris Brown’s voice adequately cake-less? More importantly, will he bring actual cake? And let me eat it without hurting me?
It’s impossible to tell if Chris Brown’s voice is ‘sans patisserie’ as EVERY song he ‘sings’ is auto-tuned which makes him sound like Stephen Hawking.
Number 3 is the blog!!! I know’s mine. (I so love Blaine, too. Did you see his version of Take a Look at Me Now this week???)
Also- you look HOT in that picture, babe!
OMG, I think I replayed “Take a Look At Me Now” 15 times! No one emotes like that boy.
Thank you very much!
The wizard troll doll….. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/93/Wizard_troll_doll-low_res.jpg
He’d make you feel ‘Oh so special’ in that kind of crazy hair way that no other doll can do….. true story…..
job done x 😉 xxxxxxxx
Holy memories! Nicely done, Kate! Do you know I actually loved Troll dolls so much growing up, I wore Troll doll earrings when I was 9-10 years old? They had pink hair. I also had neon pink Koosh ball earrings. Basically, if I liked something, I tried to find it in earring form.
I feel like I’ve told you this. Oh gawd. I’m old.
Huzzah! Trolls were/are amazing….. they are due a come back! 🙂 x
Ooo la la…Jules got her sexy on in this post. 😉 😉 😉
Jenn makes some really good arguments. But Adam’s got this super sexy way of lookin’ at ya… Justin’s got a sweet voice and…stuff… And bacon is…bacon! Bacon is forever, and bacon will never judge you, no matter what. Bacon won’t mind how many husbands you have in bed with you. Bacon is your best friend.
Bacon. Yup.
Okay now I should REALLY try to remember how to make one of the ‘blushing’ emoticons.
I appreciate the thought you put into this, Lilykins, and despite my disappointment that you’re not bringing the Bacardi and throwing your hat in the ring, I can’t say I disagree with your delicious choice.
😳 Lol. I would have thrown my hat in the ring but sadly, I don’t know how to sell myself up. 😳 With words, I mean. I could take a questionable photo… Oh well, bacon’s too strong of an opponent! 🙂
Oh I know what you can do with a camera and a slap bracelet. There’s a spot to my right with your name on it…
Isn’t this like the straw man fallacy — come on! Look at the passionate, heartfelt letter Jenn wrote and Bacon barely promised you his greasy fat, um, what? You and Jenn (and Peppermeister) belong together! And I saw Justin Timberlake’s 1986 Star Search appearance. Not pretty.
Wait, Jenn dated…your brother? Too?
Oh Nnng, I can always count on you never to miss a beat (much like Justin)! You got that right. Jenn dated my brother, I dated (and by dated I mean fell in love with and never dated) hers.
I’ve totally seen that Star Search. That’s got Childhood Relived blog potential written ALL over it.
Two words. Howdy Doody.
HOLY CHEEKY BEDROOM PICTURES BATMAN!
Huh? Cheeky? What? You can barely see anything… 😉
Is this the sexiest GJG ever?
Dear Soul Walker,
I beg (get it?) to differ.
https://gojulesgo.com/2011/12/31/gogps-sexiest-dog-of-the-year/
Love,
Uncle Jesse
The former Pope would be a good catch – great wardrobe, lovely condo in Rome and can always get his hands on some nice candle holders for a romantic dinner.
Hmm. Candlelight is flattering, but can I still take the Lord’s name in vain?
Yes
I vote for the skivvies. Holy hell, Jules, you just threw those in there with nary an honorable mention! (If I were posting a photo of myself in my skivvies on my blog… which I’m not… I would also have to post a neon sign graphic with a gaudy, flashing arrow pointing to the SKIVVIES!!! But KUDOS TO YOUR BADASS SELF for posting those skivvies like they’re no big deal. One woman’s ‘whatever’ is another woman’s ‘breaking out in hives just thinking about posting something like it’.) 🙂
This post has made me realize I love the word “skivvies” and never, ever think to use it. Also this comment has made me realize, for the ten thousandth time, that you are a top-notch confidence booster. Please toss your hat in the ring?
Wait. What’s this about underwear?
This is….brilliant! You’re a woman after my own heart! Love it 😀
Do you think I have enough room in my bed for all of them??
Thank you so much! 🙂
I’ll nominate Seth MacFarlane. He’s cute, he’s mega talented, he’s super rich, and (as you suggested before) most likely to already have a Red Room of Pain.
You bring up a PHENOMENAL selling point. Nicely done!
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Just to clarify, since your BFF Jenn makes it sound like I’m getting married in a trailer park, the banquet hall IS the second floor of the Greek restaurant. Laugh all you want, my peeps, but the food is fantastic and I’m choosing all the music. What more do you need? And yes, I agree that Jenn is the logical choice for spouse #3.
I’m worried about bringing her to your wedding. What if you change your mind at the altar, and try to steal her? All the baklava in the world can’t cure a broken heart, Cami Jack.
I’m still working on getting Husband #1, dearest. And have no fear that I’ll try to steal her from you… she’s too high-maintenance for me. Plus, she’s a complete bitch (and has been since the moment we met), which means she’s entirely too much like me for a polyamorous to work in the long term.
I’d say Adam or Justin but I’m kind of hoarding them for myself =)
That leaves Jenn and BACON all for me 😉
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