Dear Uncle Jesse,
I’m not sure you’ll recognize that today is special, when we shower you with gourmet, organic treats, long walks and hour-long massages. Or when we coo over and over again, ‘He’s a good man. That’s a good man. Who’s the best man?’
But it’s true!
Today’s your 3rd birthday!
Already you’ve been with us for 2 years, 9 months and 28 days. Now’s not the time to talk of my guilt over your silver-spooned upbringing, but rather to praise your genetic superiority and extremely reputable entry into this world thanks to your mother’s tireless research and your father’s stubborn allergies.
We named you after John Stamos’ character on Full House because we knew you were destined to be the cool one. And have great hair.
Here are just a few of the things we love about you, Uncle Jesse:
You fetch your Hot Pocket toy when we sing the jingle (“Ho-ot Pocket!”).
You dry your tongue on our pants after you take a drink.
You have access to your kibble all day, every day,
and only eat it when we sit down to dinner; then you nosh lying down.
You help Dad tune the guitar when he gets to the 4th string, every time.
You learned how to do Full House-themed tricks at 9 1/2 weeks old.
(If people don’t believe the last two, they should play thE video!)
If you disapprove of someone’s petting methods, you lick them aggressively to correct the faux paw pas. They mistake this for affection. I’m sorry we blew up your spot, but you do it to us, too, you ungrateful bastard well-bred specimen.
Your legs are super long and your paws are incredibly fancy, especially when you tuck them under, or cross them just so.
You’re convinced the bedroom ceiling fan is possessed and/or omnipotent. If it’s been too quiet for too long, or something is otherwise amiss, we catch you staring at it dubiously.
I hope you enjoy this birthday tribute video I made especially for you:
Love,
Your doting and equally adorable mother
~*~*~*~*~*~
So what do you get for the Australian Labradoodle who has everything? Well, you can make like a Shel Silverstein tree, and give. Please join me in helping friend and fellow blogger, Valerie from Nikitaland:
Note: The ad below the Pledge for Pets button is not part of this post.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jesse! You are one lucky dog for sure to have such a special Mom! Have Mercy! Thanks for the special shout out too! We appreciate all the help we can get! Not all doggies are as lucky as we are and they need our help! Woof Woof, Love Nikita & Bella
Nikita & Bella,
I begrudgingly uncrossed my fancy paws to reply to this. And now I’m exhausted. Where’s my beef tartare?
Oh, as for the donation? It was the least she could do. …The least.
Now WHERE THE &@$! IS MY BEEF TARTARE?!
UncleJesseHe’sAGoodManHe’sTheBestManILoveYou
Man, we are not that fancy over here, all we get to drink is water! You are truly fancy! When you drink, do you hold up one pinky? LOL
I make them pour the (filtered, not sparkling, thankyouverymuch) water into my mouth using their strange claws.
Nobody likes a jerk, Uncle Jesse.
-Your Mother
Aw! Happy happy birthday to the world’s best dog! That video had me tearing up….mostly due to the pain in my ears listening to that song. But seriously, could Uncle Jesse BE any sweeter? (I mean the dog, not the man) Loved how he kept tilting his head like that, did he have water in his ears from swimming? how I hate when the happens.
Great video, JD! Julia also gives it two big thumbs up. And such a worthy cause to donate to.
Don’t tell anyone, but I &*&$% love that song.
Love and Non-Aggressive Licks,
Uncle Jesse (the good-looking one)
Happy b’day, Uncle Jesse. Your hair is still as great as ever. Faboo video. And just to top Darlikadoodle up there, I give that video THREE thumbs up. 🙂
I’m not coming out of my
roompalace until someone gives it four paws.-Uncle Jesse the Best Man
On a very SNOWY first day of Spring (*sad face*), this has completely just made my morning….maybe even my day. Happy Birthday to Uncle Jesse.
Dear Sandy,
If you like that, you should hear me sing “Teddy Bear.”
Love and hair gel,
Uncle Jesse (the dog)
Oh my! I know it is a super special day and all (HAPPY HAPPY, UNCLE J!!), but sexy, smoldering John Stamos eyes THIS early in the morning, Jules? I mean, jeez! Warn a girl, would ya?
Is it getting warm in here, or is it all of those candles?
Misty’s Laws,
If I told you I got sprayed by a skunk last week and needed you to give me a bath, would you bring candles?
xox
Love,
Uncle Jesse
My wife keeps sending me pics of “oodle” bred dogs she’d like because she insists the 4 year old has allergies. Pffft, what do doctors know anyway?! I’ve been adamant that I’ll not answer any person’s “what kind of dog is that?” with “she’s an anything-doodle”. It just seems too effeminate or something. Your oodle related beast seems ok though. Perhaps an oodle half bred with a real dog and given a kickass name might fly. Thank you!
Dear donofalltrades,
My mother attempts to tell people I’m a “lab-poodle mix” and claims it gives her “street cred.”
I tell people she’s a “functional alcoholic-passive aggressive mix.”
Love,
Uncle Jesse
P.S. – I don’t shed and only bother my father’s allergies when I lick his face.
P.P.S. – I lick his face when I want him to go away.
Uncle Jesse,
In my mind, you are named after Uncle Jesse the cool old man who hung with Bo and Luke Duke and that 80s hotty Daisy.
He is infinitely cooler than that clearly homosexual (nothing wrong with that) other Uncle Jesse from Full House.
Your not completely uncoolness and ability to type have me seriously considering a labradoodle.
I need a little street cred.
Regards,
Donofalltrades
Happy Birthday, Uncle Jesse! maybe I can get the puggles to sing for him.
Dear JM Randolph,
I am looking for back-up singers for my band, Jesse and the Nippers…
Love,
Uncle Jesse
That is so adorably cute I can’t stand it. What a sweetie pie! I especially love how Uncle Jesse blew the socks off John Stamos in the singing department.
(ps FOUR paws.)
Dear pegoleg,
Ah, thank you. This palace’s vaulting ceiling, 12′ long window seat and flatscreen TV were getting old.
Plus I’m late for my voice lessons. (I teach them, don’t take them. Obviously.)
Love,
Uncle Jesse
I want a Hot Pocket toy!
Dear thoughtsappear,
Paws off.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
You didn’t get one at BlogHer ’12 by filling out their questionnaire with bogus answers?!
I had no intention of giving that to Uncle Jesse, but he immediately claimed it – he’s been unusually gentle with it. He respects the Hot Pocket.
I knew this day was extra special not only is it the first day of Spring,,,but it’s Uncle Jesse’s Bday!!!
Dear Just Another Canadian Gurl,
May I please be a part of your spring awakening?
Love,
Uncle Jesse, Ladies Dog
Happy, happy birthday to Uncle Jesse! In honor of his birthday I’ve composed this haiku:
A bright star is born
Perfect head tilt, big brown eyes
It’s Uncle Jesse
PS – John Stamos is HOTTT
Dear Rache,
Stars in my brown eyes;
You’re as hot as Dad’s peppers.
Will you marry me?
Love,
Uncle Jesse
God, I love everything about this. I’m sharing it.
Jill,
My mother says “you get her.” I would like to know what you’re getting her, and can you please get me one, too? I hear you like to share.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Uncle Jesse,
This is my first correspondence with a dog. So…
When I was younger, I used to like to dig holes in the sand during recess. It was really fun but my fingernails got really dirty. Did you ever like to do that?
…Just thought it might be something we could talk about. Wishbones. Those are a thing, right? Beggin’ strips.
❤
Jill
Dear Jill,
Beggin’ strips. Puh. I prefer grass-fed beef tartare, and the only thing I dig for is secrets. Tell me everything.
Your new BFF,
Uncle Jesse
From our little zoo to your little man, Happy Birthday, Uncle Jesse!!
Dear Transitioning Mom,
Zoo? I want to go to the zoo. Do you take a “wanna go for a ride in the car” to get there?
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Have Mercy. Uncle Jesse, you are seriously adorable. Happy Birthday!
Dear Fresh Ginger,
I know. I make this blog.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Soooo … Uncle Jesse. Tell me, what’s the scoop on Baby Chipmunks and Mini Peppers at your house? I know Jules has the Second and Third Husband Fantasy going but, really, what’s the Jess take on having a baby drool covered home and sharing (haha–not really) doggie toys? I’m sure Babs has talked to you about this. Granny Babs. hee hee hee
What an adorable pet you’ve got!! and my, what a wonderful tribute for him! Loved reading this post and watching the video 🙂
Dear LynAn,
I think this blog should be all me, all the time. Don’t you?
Love,
Uncle Jesse
oh yes, that would be a welcome change 😉
1. That howling to the guitar-tuning is terrific. Our beagle howls along to sirens. It’s sick but we actually look forward to ambulances going by.
2. That song is just truly awful. Why do people in videos think that if you *look* like you’re rockin’ out that suddenly the song will *be* rockin’?
3. Our big dog does the “crossing the paws” thing too, as if he’s about to explain your insurance options or to tell you “I’m not mad, I just would like to understand why you did that.”
Dear The Byronic Man,
Did you miss the shirtless holding of babies who are also shirtless? I think you must have, because both this music video and song are flawless.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
P.S. – I have a bone to pick with you. I found out what Sexy Stalin will do. Now that is one sick pup.
3. Our big dog does the “crossing the paws” thing too, as if he’s about to explain your insurance options or to tell you “I’m not mad, I just would like to understand why you did that.”
This is me, giggling effusively at that.
Oh Jules darling! I do love your blog. Was my psychic dream correct? Remember I had a dream that I saw you on TV. Do you think there was relevance?
Dear marlarosebrady,
Jules? On TV? Ha ha ha Oh. As if she could ever get anywhere without me.
Thank you for the laugh.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Jules here. Sorry about Uncle Jesse. He can be a reallll jerk. I guess that’s my fault.
You are so good for my ego. Thank you! 🙂 And you know what’s really funny? Marlene JUST premiered the pilot episode of “My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” about 45 minutes ago, and my mug is in it for about a second, ha!
http://myparentsarecrazierthanyours.com/2013/03/20/pilot-episode/
OMG! I know him. And by “know him”, I mean I’ve snipped poopoo from his Aussie hind quarters. You forgot his uncanny ability to get sprayed by a skunk just before bed time.
Dear Dad,
What’s your favorite color?
Love,
Uncle Jesse
There really is a whole caboodle of spadoodles and labradoodles going on out here……maybe we can send you a Koala for him to play with?!
I’m not sure what I’d be more excited about – a koala or a Caboodle. (Did the early 1990s Caboodle ‘make-up container’ trend make it globally? They were like fishing tackle boxes for girls.)
I had an actual factual fishing tackle box (new though) in the North of England circa early 90’s and my kids had one for their crayons…..I do not recall anything with a caboodle monika…….The Koala will be extinct soon with all the overdevelopment here 😦 I live in the suburb that has the highest urban Koala population in Australia, but it’s halved since we arrived (and we are not the cause I promise!) from about 5 and half thousand to just over 2 thousand. Very sad. We rarely see them when we are trail walking but they often just stroll into the restaurants and shops in one of our marina areas!! Bizarre but true. Poor things are running out of habitat.
That face! Adorable. Happy birthday Uncle Jesse (cool name)
Dear Daile,
Thank you! As I’m sure you know, blondes have more fun.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
I don’t understand why this was tagged as satire.
Dear Soul Walker,
That makes two of us.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Have mercy, indeed. I’m sorry I missed Uncle Jesse’s big day. I hope it you all had a lovely day!
Dear Hippie Cahier,
If by “lovely” you mean “abandoned the entire day so they could wear funny clothes and go for rides in the car without me,” then yes.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
One cute mutt – get him the box set of The Wire – and when he cannot unwrap the cellophane send it to me!
Dear gingerfightback,
Cellophane? Puh. I melt it off with my smoldering stares. Now. I’d like to discuss character development with you.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
Discuss away, but be warned my gaze will be averted in case I am smoldered to death. We could be the next X Files – Smolder and Sully!
As Uncle Jesse is a far younger man, I hope society will soon accept our love, being that he’s about 21 in ppl yrs.
He does have fabulous hair…
Dear Lily,
In people years, I just graduated and gave you a promise ring.
Wait for me.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
::swoons::
A shorter generic name I’d say…
Dear Richard L Wiseman,
Touche.
Love,
Sir Uncle Jesse the Fabulous of Hunterdon County, New Jersey
How do you know Jesse is an uncle? And has he been named Uncle Jesse since he was a pup?
Dear Phil Taylor,
I am an uncle, many times over, but please don’t make me talk about those bitches.
Love,
Uncle Jesse
I must admit that until I read this post, I thought Uncle Jesse was named after the old bearded guy from “Dukes of Hazzard.” Which was not out of the ordinary, because when I first came into the family my mother-in-law had a miniature poodle named Roscoe P. Coltrane. I assumed there was some poople/Dukes of Hazzard connection I was not aware of. Thank you for clearing that up.