What…what are you waiting for? Go set your DVR! (I say “set your DVR” because I assume that, like me, you a) go to bed at 8:30pm, and b) with great pain, deleted a high-def version of Sharknad0, and now have room on your DVR.)
What TV characters from your youth would you poop a brick to see brought back to life on a late night talk show?
I’m not sure you’ll recognize that today is special, when we shower you with gourmet, organic treats, long walks and hour-long massages. Or when we coo over and over again, ‘He’s a good man. That’s a good man. Who’s the best man?’
But it’s true!
Today’s your 3rd birthday!
Already you’ve been with us for 2 years, 9 months and 28 days. Now’s not the time to talk of my guilt over your silver-spooned upbringing, but rather to praise your genetic superiority and extremely reputable entry into this world thanks to your mother’s tireless research and your father’s stubborn allergies.
We named you after John Stamos’ character on Full House because we knew you were destined to be the cool one. And have great hair.
Here are just a few of the things we love about you, Uncle Jesse:
You fetch your Hot Pocket toy when we sing the jingle (“Ho-ot Pocket!”).
You dry your tongue on our pants after you take a drink.
You have access to your kibble all day, every day, and only eat it when we sit down to dinner; then you nosh lying down.
You help Dad tune the guitar when he gets to the 4th string, every time.
You learned how to do Full House-themed tricks at 9 1/2 weeks old.
(If people don’t believe the last two, they should play thE video!)
If you disapprove of someone’s petting methods, you lick them aggressively to correct the faux paw pas. They mistake this for affection. I’m sorry we blew up your spot, but you do it to us, too, you ungrateful bastard well-bred specimen.
Your legs are super long and your paws are incredibly fancy, especially when you tuck them under, or cross them just so.
You’re convinced the bedroom ceiling fan is possessed and/or omnipotent. If it’s been too quiet for too long, or something is otherwise amiss, we catch you staring at it dubiously.
I hope you enjoy this birthday tribute video I made especially for you:
Your doting and equally adorable mother
So what do you get for the Australian Labradoodle who has everything? Well, you can make like a Shel Silverstein tree, and give. Please join me in helping friend and fellow blogger, Valerie from Nikitaland:
Note: The ad below the Pledge for Pets button is not part of this post.
Let’s see. We’ve already covered the fact that I was an extra on “Dawson’s Creek,” am obsessed with Glee, Harry Potter and little miss pageants, and that I named my dog after a “Full House” character. You might be thinking this well’s about to dry up.
Nay, friends, I’ve only just begun. (It certainly helps that blogging about guilty pleasures is, in and of itself, a guilty pleasure. That shouldn’t be allowed. It’s like trying to stare at the sun.)
Here are a mere few of the things I plan to bring to your [rapt] attention over the coming weeks. (Please feel free to express your gratitude by subscribing. Or by sending pictures of animals dressed as other animals.)
1. What to expect if you see Daniel Radcliffe naked, live, as I have.
2. What NOT to say if someone asks if you want to attend a week-long Project Management Boot Camp in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania.
3. 9021-Oh My God.
4. Robert Pattinson SINGS! (Holy sh*t, how have I not gotten to this yet!?)
5. My Plan to Save Mankind, a.k.a. The Power of Haikus
6. MY MOST SHAMEFUL GUILTY PLEASURE OF. ALL. TIME.