Well. Chipmunks. Well well well. I promised you a guest post from my best friend, Jenn, this week, and she has begrudgingly graciously obliged.
You’re in for a treat.
Which I hope is clear based on the fact that this is my first guest post in a year and a half of blogging.
No pressure, Jenn!
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As all you fabulous and wise Go Jules Go readers are aware, I am the lucky soul who gets to call herself Jules’ real-life BFF, as well as her heart’s — or at least her liver’s — inspiration. You wonderfully literate folks also recently learned that last Tuesday was my birthday.
When I’m not busy reading flattering blog posts penned in my honor, I like to think of my birthday as infrequently as possible. Way less than annually. Every four years like the Olympics actually sounds too frequent.
Like a double chin dented by the rubber band on a party hat, birthdays over a “certain age” remind us that, although the cake is gone, the scars remain. The buoyant charm of youth faded long ago, but the birthdays keep coming. Like Groundhog Day, with epsom salt.
I still recall (who knows for how much longer) the days when I’d carouse for hours, stumble to bed at dawn, and then pop up at the alarm, ready to start another glorious day of being young. These days, mornings at my house sound like a wounded herd on the move. A herd that knows its way around childproof caps.
I didn’t always hate birthdays. Once upon a time, nothing pleased me more than getting another year older.
As an old man once said, youth is wasted on the wrong people.
These days… let me not mince words. These days, I hold birthdays right up there with fungal infections and rectal exams. Both of which, you’ll be tickled to hear, multiply exponentially with — you guessed it — birthdays. Sigh.
While I still have my faculties, let me leave you with a final thought on the aging process. The more birthdays we have, the more we realize that we travel from cradle to grave at a breakneck pace, and not all our body parts will cross the finish line. So enjoy your kidneys and your knees and your ability to sleep through the night while you can.
And live each day as if it’s not your birthday, my friend. Because time is one big Donner party, and you are magically delicious.
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How do you cope with birthdays/the aging process? And how much do you love Jenn? (Well, just forget it. She’s mine.)
Go Jules Go 
I have decided to only celebrate my birthday in leap years– which means I am only 14 and 3/4– or something like that – math is not my crowning glory
you sound much too young to be dreading birthdays yet
LOL Another best girlfriend of ours got married on Leap Day four years ago. Her husband is a very, very clever man.
ha ha – sneaky guy
You’re never too young to dread. Thanks for leaping, home slice, I mean, front.
Fantastic guest post! I view birthdays through the same lens, and working.
Thanks (er, on Jenn’s behalf), Speaker! You and Jenn and Hugo could get into some serious trouble, something tells me. I’ll start making the Cosmos. (Hold the cranberry juice, right?)
Fantastic – a word much too infrequently used to describe me. Glad to hear we have similar lenses. I must hear more about this Hugo character.
Great guest post (Although, I’d expect no less from Jules – she takes care of us). My only criticism is that I don’t see a link to read more of Jenn’s writing. Jules!…you weren’t really serious about keeping her all to yourself were you?
Right?! I’ve been saying this for a year, Dave, but maybe once she hears it from you/the bloggysphere, she will listen [and start her own blog].
Jenn, Dave drew this for a writing contest, and I wanted to buy it for your birthday: http://1pointperspective.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/piggy1.jpg
In case anyone takes that the wrong way, LOL, Jenn and I have a thing for animals in clothing. Especially pigs, I’d say. And this one is flawless in every way. (The story to go with it is, too!)
You mean there are people out there who don’t write blogs?!?! What in the name of Stephen King’s cabin does she do with all her spare time?!
Glad you like the piggy, Jules. It’s always fun to have fans of something you do!
Disturbing pig… in just the right way. All my other writing to date can be found on the back of get-out-of-jail-free cards. Is that blog-worthy?
Of course it’s blog worthy. Sadly blogging is a domain with little if any quality control. It’s nice to find people who can write and express themselves in the blog-o-sphere, but one has to sift through an awful lot of garbage. The best way to find quality writers is to see what the witty ones are reading. Since you’re joined at the hip to Jules, your credibility is high right off the bat.
By the same token, Get Out Of Jail Free cards is a niche market and I’m sure you’ve got it cornered. Why mess with that kind of success?
I have no idea how anyone blogs successfully on a regular basis. I’m just not that consistently interesting. I bow to your greatest – and to Jules’ of course
Very few of us blog successfully on a regular basis, instead, we surround ourselves with sycophants who also blog, then we compliment them and they compliment us. It’s really dysfunctional, but it’s probably better for us than vodka and pills (although, I’m more of a tequila man myself and I stay away from pills, especially those blue ones, they make me feel so funny)
LOL This is so honest it makes me want to cry into my vodka. I guess I’m double-fisting here. Booze and Butt-kissing.
Well…they do kind of go hand in hand.
I try to only blog when I’m drunk. ‘Ssss goinnn greatsofar.
I wanna get one of those keypad protectors like they have on the register at McDonald’s – I keep spilling my suds in the key get all sticky n stuff.
(gasp) Jenn doesn’t have a blog?? You mean to tell me she writes the perfect post and then just disappears again? This is so not fair!
Jenn, love your writing. My husband just had his 42nd bday and my kids were whooping it up all day, all excited, asking him what he’s going to do to celebrate and he was like, “uh…nothing. Let’s just pretend it’s a normal day, deal?” My bday is in september and I’d rather just skip over it. It’s less painful that way.
It’s crazy, right?! The world won’t really make sense until she does [have a blog].
Hopefully Jenn will make an appearance in the comments section later today 🙂
Sha-ZAAM. Ask and you shall receive, Jules.
“The perfect post.” You love my writing??? Well, I love you, Maineiac. It may just be time for me to visit your state for the first time ever! No blog, no Maine… coincidence? I think not.
I deal with my birthdays the old-fashioned way: by panicking and lying to myself that there is still PLENTY of time to accomplish what I want to. Then I hold my head just so, squint and tell my mirror image that I don’t look a day over 30.
LOL Dory, you said it! That’s the part that freaks me out the most – feeling like I haven’t gotten ‘far enough’ or ‘done’ enough’ by whatever age. Same reason I hate New Year’s Eve, although that’s FAR more depressing to me. I think because of that damn song. At least “Happy Birthday” is upbeat. And you get presents.
Exactly why I can’t watch the Oympics. I get all inspired and imagine myself triple sow cowing into the records books. And then I remember- I’m too drunk to walk.
…Or spell Olympics
Yes, but the alcohol does make me look younger. I’m convinced.
Today actually happens to be my birthday. So thank you for the gift of laughter.
Louise!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope you don’t have trouble eating cake around your ‘stache glasses.
For you (one of my favorite guilty pleasures, by the way): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me0j7LfZoPo
My condolences. ‘Nuff said.
That was epic. Jenn is da bomb. Can you bring her with you on Saturday? No? Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to settle for meeting you. 😉 (You know I’m kidding, I’m giddy with excitement over just the THOUGHT of meeting!!!).
My birthdays have always been hateful and tragic in some way or another, so it’s best to just forget they exist, lest some calamity befall not just myself, but the general populace at large. Really, it’s better for everyone that my birthdays go unnoticed. I’m looking out for you, people!!
Oh Misty, your good taste knows no bounds. If Jenn came with me on Saturday, I really don’t think my heart could take it. It would be too much. Ooh, and I have to email you – stay tuned!
I AM SO EXCITED.
I’m way too busy pretending I have anything even remotely as cool to do to accompany Jules. In her words, Misty, you are le sigh.
Great post! I can see why you’re bff’s. 😉
Must be a woman thing to worry about age. On the outside, I pretend age is just a number, and doesn’t bother me. But deep down, I’m dreading reaching my 30’s. I know that’s not old, but three decades…doesn’t THAT sound old? 😉 Anyway, enjoyed the guest post!
Thanks so much, Lily! Turning 30 in April was so traumatic for me, but then I had SUCH a wonderful celebration that I got distracted and have since mellowed about it. But not totally. And I don’t like it. Not one bit.
Might I suggest you drink your way through it?
Well there you go, it’s all about having enough drinks…I mean, the right attitude. 😀 Anyway, I didn’t mean to say 30’s old, it’s not. It’s just weird, is all. At one point in my life, I really did think I’d stay a kid forever. 😉
No, no. It’s old. So old. I now say things that start with, “Oh, when I saw that concert FIFTEEN YEARS AGO…” It’s so wrong.
Oh boy! Alright, well it’s better than 40 right… 😀 (No offense to anyone who’s 40.)
You shouldn’t dread 30!!!! It’s already way too late 😉
Thanks for the laugh. I truly sat at my desk over morning coffee and laughed out loud…many times.
Great post
Hear that, Jenn?
Thank you so much – she does that to me ALLLLL the time 🙂
Happens to me every day. Remember: just because you hear the voices doesn’t mean you have to heed them
Everyone has the wrong idea of birthdays (Happy Birthday by the way). I figured it out though and settled the problem for myself at my 50th. I am now going backwards rather than forwards. As I un-age with each birthday anything I do that offends or upsets others will simply earn a shrug and a smile, these offensive acts will simply be blamed on my youthful exuberance.
You are onto something here. If I start now, and hit 0, though, then what?
Oh, who are we kidding. Like MY liver’s going to hold out another 30 years!
I think you have to wait for 50 before you can count backwards. At 75 then you are 25, you are ideally aged to begin ‘youthful indiscretions’ all over again.
My funny Valentine – you make me smile with my liver
Happy solar return to Jenn, whether she likes it or not — as applies to most, I’m older than both of you.
Jenn: you’re obviously cooler than Jules but don’t tell her I said so.
Oh. L. I see how it is now.
Well I’m screwed, because I know Jenn will let you tongue kiss her, too, so I don’t even have that going for me anymore.
I’m all at sea… I do have a reputation of frenching without discretion, but I’m not sure I can indulge a mouth that doesn’t sing the praises of Jules’ obvious supremacy.
It’s YOUR fault. I’d never have known how cool and hot she was if you hadn’t introduced us!
Tell you what: I still love you. Just give me a few minutes with her and I’ll be right back?
I can see the friendly resemblance between the two of you…for sure! Great post, Jenn, and don’t worry about those birthdays. As someone who has seen many, many (and did I mention many?) more than you have, let me tell you a profound truth…having birthdays beats the alternative.
Thanks, Peggles! And it’s so true.
I told Jenn I might even be willing to change her bed pans in a few years.
Resemblance? To Jules??? Pegoleg – how you flatter.
Jenn, to amplify what pegoleg said, “When you wake up on this side of the grass, it’s a very good day.”
Loved your insights and humor. But, as I’m w-a-y older than you, I’ll give you my motto for today. It’s on my Life is Good T-shirt: “These are the good old days.” Enjoy.
LOL! Well put, Judy (on all)! The grass is always greener…where there’s actually grass.
Dearest Earth Rider – thank you for the kind words and lies of being much older than me. Too often I wake up and don’t know where I am.
Jenn is way funny. You two must have a lot of fun together! I used to not care about the aging aspect of birthdays because there was always cake to look forward to. Now that I’m dairy-free I’m like, eff this. I’m getting older and there is no cake?!?!?!?
Ha! Oh, gawd, yes, that’s adding insult to injury. Although allow me to point out that most booze is dairy-free, so aging doesn’t have to be a total loss.
And yes, Jenn is one of the funniest (and most fun) people I know, which is really saying something (especially considering you lot!)!
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse… Try vodka, Fish!!
Time really is one big Donner party, isn’t it? Good to see you here Jenn!
Don’tcha just love that line?
The step-mother of the brick kid just replied to me. I can die now.
Garr… my bday is in 10 days. i don’t really care anymore. i have no idea what to do for it, probably booze.
Ooooh happy birthday’s eve’s eve’s eve’s eve’s…you get the picture.
I say it’s never too early to start “celebrating.”
This weekend is our pride parade, and lets just say if i wasn’t married I’d be what they call a “fag hag”, its like a cat lady but with gays.
Traditionally, we start drinking (publically)around 10am, and its usually the sunniest day. Wish me heatstroke/being arrested avoidance!
Somehow I replied to my own post under the name Trying Not to be Fat. Help, Jules.
Oh no wait – this isn’t me. She wrote “probably” booze. Ha!
“Probably” is only there to keep up appearances. 😉
Birthdays? What? I’ve been 29 for years. I have no idea what you’re even talking about… (I do know what fungal infections are though.)
LOL That’s my plan, too! 29-4-LIFE!
It’s catchy. And it could easily be a phone number for a hotline. Don’t ask me why you would run a hotline… perhaps for people with chipmunk emergencies? 🙂
Oh, and no worries about the slap bracelets. I’m going out of town in a few days though. So it will probably be a couple weeks before we all model them. My dog and I can’t wait! And don’t be surprised if my toddler doesn’t end up modeling all three in her pictures. (She’s going through a phase. She stomps her foot, yells loudly, and we all cave…)
Silly rabbit, fungal infections are what you get when you combine love and lunchmeat.
“These days, I hold birthdays right up there with fungal infections and rectal exams.”
Hilarious. And just so you know, I add years. I’m 44 but I tell everyone I’m 49. Because I look really good for almost 50.
Renée, we all know you look hot for ANY age. The latest pics of you from Tech’s bar mitzvah? Grrrrrowl!
Another quoter… I love it. I wish I could jump on the band wagon, Renee, but compared to you, I only look good for cremated in the last 48 hours.
When I was a kid it was inconceivable when adults forgot how old they were. Remember narrowing it to fractions? “I’m 9 and 11/14ths years old.” Now I get it. “I’m, sigh, I don’t know. I’m who-gives-a-crap years old. I’m older. Older getting older.”
Or, as the man himself says…
B, you only have like, 3 more years to go before you can be President!
Please make your first order of business legalizing Kinder Surprise eggs and unpasteurized milk products.
Not the first thing on my list for legalization, but ok.
Do you have to subtract your birth year from the current year too? Oh how I wish I’d learned to subtract. (PS I hart Patton)
Hey! I’ve nominated you for a Lovely Blog award, clearly means that I love your blog! Do visit here http://lifeofmee.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/lovely-blog-award/ to check it out
Ashley! Thank you so much – that rules (like you)! 🙂 And congrats again!
Thanks a lot.
PS – Tell Jenn I love her (you too, but her a tad bit more because this post was awesome! iff you know what i mean 😉 )
Whaaaaat.
I knew this was going to happen. You can only fool people with neon pink accessories but for so long. 😉
Not sure I “know” what you mean, but I’m “thinking” it might lead to a fungal infection…. or a lovely blog award. Either way, here’s hoping!
Either of them, as long as it’s from you 😛 iff you know wha I mean 😉 haha
I am the man what married the guest bloggite and I can say without equivocatin’ around the shrubbery that she is awesome in ways that will become known to history some day. Ya see, I don’t go around marryin’ just any ole’ bloggite- I got discretionary tastes what alerted me to the true awesomeness within… (her that is.) I am confident that tonight when we get home and our dog has clawed us with his uncontrollable excitement at our arrival from whatever horrible spot he assumed we were being held captive, Jenn will tickle me with witticisms and humorous anecdotes and conversational hijinx will ensue.
Bruno! I thought I told you never to show your face again unless you paid me back for those yaks.
Jules – block this “Turnslab.” No idea who he is, but he’s just way too into me.
At this age, I don’t have time to pursue another restraining order.
I have always loved my birthday and thought of it as my favorite “holiday” but I have to say that every year that I get closer to 30 I get less and less excited about my birthday. In fact just at lunch an hour ago as two of my friends (in their 30s) were talking about their birthday’s I turned to my younger friend eyes wide and said “Oh God, I’m going to be 30 soon aren’t I?” Its a frightening thought. I just may stay 28 forever. After all it is my golden birthday.
Thank your lucky charms you’re adorable, Marta. Because you broke me by writing “every year I get closer to 30” and I know where you live.
I paid you back in wildebeests- you didn’t get them? Damn UPS!
Oh I hope you come hang out more often!! What a great blog post!!! This sentence in particular was great: “Like a double chin dented by the rubber band on a party hat, birthdays over a “certain age” remind us that, although the cake is gone, the scars remain.”
Ha! Birthdays! I have my 41st in a few days. From a serious standpoint, I spent most of last year mourning the passing of my athletic youth but this year, I say, hey. Bring it on. But man, please give me back some cartilage in my knees!!!
Good to meet you!
Dear Running, I’ll try to find your cartilage if you hunt for my athletic youth.
Thanks for reading and quoting – I just love that.
Good LORD! Why is everyone always so depressed about getting older? Seriously, I’m excited. Life has only been getting better as I age & I can’t wait to see what else is coming my way.
I’m getting pretty sick of our society being in love with the young & making fun of/hating older people.
Kiya – apparently you’ve aged past the point of no return. All I can say is – welcome to the club.
Marry me, Jenn! Let’s grow old together!
Great guest post! Jenn jumped right into a comfy writing voice as if she’s been blogging for years. Not fair.
“Because time is one big Donner party, and you are magically delicious.” Fabulous.
My darling Angie, I’m afraid I’ll need to see a ring first. I may need to pawn it any day now to pay for round-the-clock care.
You have a point. Dammit, the price of bed pans has skyrocketed, hasn’t it?
How delicious are you? That was like a ‘little Jenn snack’ . An enjoyable treat. Since Jules is playing hooky, you should take a bow, well done Jenn.
Whoaaa… I’m hooked. Where’s Jenn.. Jenn? I know you’re there… Jules, what’s this you’re doing to us Chipmunks? Such a tease. Awesome post Jenn! Awesome post.
Well, my birthday stopped at 25, I decided. I think I am trying to give the big 30 in 3 years time,, the ‘ I don’t wanna know about you big 30, la la la’ while covering my ears. Like that’s going to work right?
Thanks Jules & Jenn for this wonderful post. The awesome J & J. Ohh, nice.
Never fear… like birthdays, I’ll be back. Jules is no tease. Believe you me.
I wasn’t entirely sure which brilliant line I wanted to comment on most until I got to the thoughtful and necessary reprieve from the fungal infection/rectal exam imagery. T
It was then that I knew I had to say that someone once said, “In the passage from the cradle to the grave, we are born(e) madly dancing.”
Salsa, ballroom, jazz/tap, shuck and jive — whatever is your fancy, dance on, Birthday Girl!
Which brilliant line? I’m thinking you’re my fancy
That picture is so great!
Turning 30 was traumatic for me…right up until my birthday. The day of and every day after hasn’t bothered me at all.
That’s the memory loss that starts at 30… I thank God for it every day.
I would pay to be a fly on the wall when you two are just hangin’ out together, but I’d pay with champagne to be allowed to join in! Fabulously funny!!
As for the aging/birthday thing, with my half century mark fast approaching, I’ve found laughter works best, especially when mixed with a hefty serving of denial!
Denial and champagne payments. Jules – make sure mama gets your street address.
Okay, kids. 30? You’re wringing your hands over 30? AND avoiding an opportunity for a party, free gifts, free drinks, free cake? Be whatever number you want! Does anybody really want to be 95 and living in a nursing home where they won’t even run vodka through your IV bag? Live — it — up!!! (I’m kinda likin’ that Donner party analogy, though. Well said; looking at my thighs, all that fat probably does make them magically delicious.
Unfortunately… no wait…. fortunately, I don’t remember 30.
I suggest that you wield your mad queen power and order vodka IVs for everyone. And let’s put mine on ice a la Walt Disney – just in case.
I’ve had seven 26th birthdays. I’m thinking that this year I’ll turn 27. We’ll see how that works out.
I won’t tell if you won’t. AND I won’t discuss your age.
We loved this! So funny- Happy Happy Birthday!!
We love you too, but you might as well wish me a happy hernia
I . . . wow. That closing line. Wow. I can’t remember what else I was going to say.
I don’t mind birthdays much, honestly, although I don’t celebrate them the way I once did. (What a pic, by the way!) Maybe that’s just because my son wishes me a happy birthday virtually every day, for reasons I haven’t yet determined. It seems so sweet coming from his mouth. 🙂
Wow back atcha, Deb. I’m not coming out of your closet any time soon.
Sounds like your son may have Frosty the Snowman syndrome. Stay tuned for treatments in my next guest post 🙂
The thing that stands out the most to me about aging so far is that most of the good stories were not that pleasant to live through…
That’s the most accurate and universal ‘life lesson’ I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been noticing that not a lot of people like birthdays and aging but I’ve always been a fan – I think it’s great to reach another year of living. I like to look at birthdays as a celebration of you life (but then I also like to look at funerals the same way – I’m a little strange what can I say?) and aging has never bothered me much because really it’s just a number and you are only as old as you feel. I know people in their 90’s who are still lively and independent and out there doing things and going places and I know people who are in their 20’s who are total slugs, it’s all about perspective I guess. As for me, I turned 31 and I feel as alive now as I did when I was a teenager, way more full of energy and ambition than I did in my 20’s, it’s strange I feel very young – but then again people in my family on both sides seem to age quite well for the most part so that might have something to do with it 😉
Yes! You mean I have a lifetime of fungal infections and rectal exams to look forward to? Say it ain’t so, Jenn!
I love love love this! Fantastic, brilliant writing 🙂
Cheers,
Courtney Hosny
Thanks so much, Courtney! I’ll be sure to tell Jenn you said so (I couldn’t agree with you more)!
Fantastic guest post!
Very soon this web site will be famous among all blog viewers, due to it’s good posts