I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Kvetching, Marriage, Music

“I Do”-Wop

When my BFF, Jenn, asked how things were going in Plural Marriage-ville, she was surprised by my answer.

Here’s a taste of why.
























Have you ever been in a band, or wish you had been? Any groupies out there?

P.S. – Special thanks to Jenn, and to those of you who suggested The Hubs form a band. Less special thanks to Hubs 1 through 3. Now cut that sh*t out.


112 thoughts on ““I Do”-Wop”

  1. Awesome! Love this one. Thanks for the great start to my morning.
    And, the only band stories I have are from marching band. not nearly as funny or exciting.

    1. Thanks, Christina! These are always fun to put together (…too fun…).

      But now I’m seriously kicking myself for not having them form a marching band. The plume possibilities alone. Second Hub would have a field day!

  2. You’ll be glad/extremely jealous to know that one of my piehole a is seeing hubs#2 at a free concert today here in Ann Arbor. He went to undergrad here!

    I used to sit in with these buddies in a band in Chicago whenever they got too drunk to play. Which usually meant half their shows. I was in a couple others but we just sat around and got wasted. I have done a bunch of solo acoustic stuff at open mikes, though.

    1. Sigh. I’m well aware, FWH. I get Second Hub’s Tweets via text message (so I can pretend he’s directly texting me, natch). Please keep me posted. Every detail.

      And I didn’t know you used to do band/acoustic gigs! I should have known, though. You are quite the artistic spirit.

  3. “And Byronic Man…you can hold the triangle”….”Um”…bwa ha ha! Loved this, JD!

    Have I ever wanted to be in a band? Only every single day of my entire life. Often I wish my kids would take up an instrument, then Jim can buy us a beat-up ol’ van, paint pictures of us on the side, then go touring the farmlands of Maine. But only if David Cassidy can come too.

    1. The triangle will never, ever stop being the funniest instrument to me. I don’t care what they say about the cow bell.

      Your family would make a damn cute band.

      I asked Peppermeister to read this last night, and in a shocking turn of events, he laughed more at this than any other post I’ve ever asked him to preview! The best part was, he read the first talk bubble (“As the least effeminate person here–“) and immediately went, “WHAT?”

    1. The White Stripes-Bowie-Ke$ha mash-up turned out pretty special in the end. I think the triangle made it. Now they’re arguing over what to name the song. Can’t wait ’til when they have to name their band.

      1. I have met my match. Clearly you are superior. I would have put… Excel. The carnage would have required passer-byers to avert their eyes.

        Not Jules. Jules nails it.

        This fall I shall cajole an army of my minion chipmunks to bring you a vast winter smorgasbord of nuts.

        1. I eagerly await said smorgasbord. I will thusly prepare an Excel spreadsheet capturing the quantity and variety of nuts.

          In the meantime, I am assembling a gift basket of rubber flip flops and antibacterial soaps for you. Christmas is coming early this year!

  4. Loved this. Too funny! Believe it or not, I played a mean guitar in the fourth grade and even played in church. That was sort of a band. Sister Mary Joseph was my first groupie. Sadly, my guitar teacher overdosed (that’s how you know he was awesome) and died and I never wanted another teacher so I quit. I regret it today. I often have a dream where I’m in a band as a guitarist and when the curtain rises or show starts, it’s apparent that I have no clue how to play guitar.

    1. Ooh I got a “loved this” from Don! Thank you!

      And, your guitar teacher in Catholic school OD’d? Am I reading between the lines correctly? That is insane!

      1. Oh no, the playing in the church was unrelated to my lessons from Stoner Jeff. The church just thought I was rad. That was before life made me so jaded and probably before some sicko in a lab invented doodles.

    1. Misty! I’m so glad you commented on that line, because I went back and forth on it so many times, and finally updated it this morning to include it. Thank you! 🙂


    1. I’m glad you thought so, Sandy, because these 3 are on my last nerve. Maybe I’ll threaten to banish them to Canada… But I wouldn’t do that to you.

    1. Thanks, Lilykins!! I’ve seriously considered doing nothing BUT these comic strips, but I’m worried that would take a toll on what little sanity/soul *I* have left.

  5. This was absolute brilliance, I loved it. LOVED it. And you definitely looked cute in that outfit.

    I’m slightly tone deaf and thus my musical brilliance is none.

  6. O.M.G-lee! The Hubs should start touring – that way they’ll leave you alone.

    I played the piano for three years. Well, I took lessons, but I hated every minute of it. Including my teacher who sat in a director’s chair behind me and smoked a pipe, while I laboriously played scales.

    1. Good thinking, Rachey Poo. I was going to suggest we move to New Hampshire. And by we I mean you and me.

      This piano teacher sounds like a therapist’s dream come true.

  7. 1st husband does a lot of ska/reggae, doesn’t he? Because I could play rhythm guitar… so long as he doesn’t mind a blues shuffle rhythm for his reggae lead. It could be a thing. You never know.

    Not that I don’t blow the roof off the joint on triangle.

    1. He sure does. I have to keep him in check so he doesn’t turn every song into reggae.

      After hearing this racket all day, I’m already singing the blues, so it’d be nice to have some accompaniment.

  8. In high school I played no instruments, in fact I hated band with a passion BUT I did get to be ‘Band Manager’ so that I could go on all of the trips. The trip portion was always the best part of being in band anyway. The band teacher was a beautiful man with a kind heart 🙂

    I am always thoroughly impressed with what you can do with your visuals…I really must learn from you oh wise one.

  9. I played folk music guitar WAY back when Joan Baez was new! Fast forward to my daughter…I persuaded her to take up drums, cuz, hey, girl drummer tres cool, right? First year at Camp Jam she was the only girl drummer, second year there were TONS of girl drummers. Recalculate and persuade her to take up bass guitar, cuz nobody plays bass and still, she’s a girl. Third year at Camp Jam she’s the only girl on bass guitar. Fourth year she is tired of music and has aged out of Camp Jam. BTW, LOVED the post!

    1. But it sounds like not only is your daughter a Camp Jam grad, she can now play drums AND bass guitar?? She sounds pretty rad! Maybe I need to form a girl band… And we could have a Bloggy Battle of the Bands!

      Thank you so much 🙂

  10. My inner band geek soooo wants to be a back up clarinetist in this band. Uhm, no. I think I’ll go hiking with Uncle Jesse. That’s a better plan. I don’t have a cute outfit, though. Dammit.

            1. Yes? Oh, I thought I heard someone calling my name, but I see now that it was just you mentioning booze and the clarinet.

              I, too, play clarinet. Poorly, but still. Can I join? I promise not to sing. I cannot make any such promises as to the booze consumption. Might even improve my “skills.”

    1. Thank you! It’s all thanks to my love affair with multiple men PowerPoint. (I save the slides as images – it’s actually really easy, and I can load them all in at once!)

  11. I don’t know what to say. “Speechless: the condition or tendency of a person to be robbed of the usual power of speech by observing something incomprehensibly staggering, such as the landing of aliens or this post.”


  12. I formed a band. It’s legit. Or as legit as a tuba, a ukulele, and a clarinet can be.
    As our clarinetist and resident rapper, Z-Clef, says, you might think that those three instruments would not form a cohesive sound. And you’d be right.
    Want to check us out? We’re all the rage in Central Texas. In our minds.

  13. Clearly Uncle Jesse should be lead singer; I mean look at that hair!! 🙂 Also, Jules, you’ve been a “bad” influence on me. I had a dream last night that I was getting married to a second husband. Ryan wasn’t a fan. How did you get Peppermister to come around? 🙂

    1. Yesssss. He’ll come around. (Peppermeister is just maddeningly secure. The day I make him jealous, I probably WILL be married to three people at once, because that’s how unlikely it is he’ll ever show signs of jealousy. Maybe he doesn’t love me. Or maybe he has one of those secret families in another state and he’s too busy worrying about college tuitions to care? Oh. You’ve given me much to consider, Sarah.)

      And you’re holding out on me. Who is the mystery second hub?!

      1. I don’t know! My first husband woke me up before I walked down the aisle. Husbands….sigh. 😉

        I’m thinking a wife and two kids in Djibouti; I’d start there. That is where I would hide a wife and kids personally.

  14. This is completely badass. I can’t decide if my favorite part is Voldemort or your fab selfie. How is it possible that you rock orange? Aren’t we kind of the same color? It makes me look like I’m getting over mono.

    I will not be in your band, but I will make you louder.

    1. Ha! That’s very gnerous of you, given that you’ll mostly hear squabbling. They’re still at at it.

      Thank you!! I have trouble imagining that you can’t rock every color. A side effect of all of this hiking has been sun, so I think that’s a factor in pulling off neon orange. Although at this rate I’m going to look like a fruit roll-up by August.

  15. So much funniness, I don’t know where to start. LOVED the Voldemort line! Also the “your manhood is calling”. BTW, I had the voice of Archer narrate your post and it was splendid.

    I live with a musician who is in a band that practices in our basement every Tuesday night. It’s fantastic! *sarcasm* But I’m very proud of what they’ve accomplished. Their band name is T.U.G.G. and they play ska/reggae music. Just released a new album too.

    Apart from knowing how totally awesome I would look as a lead singer, I have never had the desire to be in a band personally. Once in college, a group of friends and I grabbed items from the pantry and proceeded to play them in “unison.” My instrument was a triscuit box. We called ourselves The Lactating Papas. #TrueStory #WishYouHadntAsked

    1. Thanks, Jess! My BFF Jenn was JUST telling me I HAVE to watch Archer. AND I was just thinking about how much I love ska as I was driving to work (Mighty Mighty Bosstones came on).

      Kindred. Spirits.


  16. The great thing about reading these posts on my laptop instead of my phone, is it’s so easy to open another tab and Google things like “Darren Criss” and “Ke$ha”. It didn’t actually help me to appreciate the post, but it made me feel marginally less out of touch.

    1. I would apologize because I like to think reading my posts is effortless, but anything that results in exposing another soul to the wonder that is Darren Criss, well, you’re welcome. 😉

    1. Dang, you had a time of it on Go Jules Go last week, Dave! LOL I’m sorry! Thank you for your persistence. I was having the same problem w/ the like button last week.

      P.S. – Your drawing is framed in my craft room. I smile every time I see it!

  17. My brother tries to push me to start a brother/sister band with him, but he never seems to understand the fact that HE got all the musical talent in the family. At least he has goals, right?

    p.s. – I’m glad I’m not the only person in the world who has a plural marriage-ville in their mind. This gave me so much comfort. My plural marriage-ville is just lacking a real life man right now, but he’ll be welcomed with open arms one day (and hopefully be very happy with me, Adam Levine, and Matthew Gray Gubler).

          1. He was totes a Third Hub contender, and I’m still not over it, so it looks like he’s going to have a VERY full calendar. *clink* That’s me toasting to your great taste.

    1. That’s okay, Sarah – you can play the triangle! Plus, Adam will like the fact that you’re not hogging the spotlight when he comes to jam with The Snazzy Siblings. (Okay. The name needs work. I’ll get on it.)

  18. All this arguing and bickering is why I never joined any band. Oh, that and the fact that I don’t play any instruments. That is, unless my audience is patient enough to wait for me to 1) play a guitar chord, 2) mentally visualize the finger placement for the next chord, 3) carefully place the fingers of the left hand one by one onto the strings according to the mental image, 4) take another look to verify that I’ve placed my fingers correctly, and 5) strum the strings with my right hand, then move on to the next chord and repeat steps 2 through 5 for it. My only hope is to trick an existing band into playing my songs.

    1. I feel honored – like I got an awesome List of X list in this comment reply. I could pay you in guitar lessons. And by “I” I mean [1st Hub] Peppermeister, because I never got past 6 lessons myself.

      1. Thank you – but that was just a half-list, and that wasn’t a joke, I really play the guitar like that. I was teaching myself before I had discovered that giant timesuck by the name of WordPress. So no more lessons for me – but you’re always welcome to pay in comments.

  19. Byronic man should play the recorder or even have one of those shaker things. Those are 2 instruments certain to get the ladies.
    Although I have to say I have always been a fan of drummers. I’m a long time groupie

    1. The recorder! Another hilarious instrument. If I’d had to listen to THAT rocket for the past week instead, though, I might be back down to two husbands.

      In my experience, drummers are both the glue that binds a band together, and the crazy, crazy, CRAZY glue that tears it apart.

  20. This made me laugh and laugh. Excellent work, ma’am!

    However… I see Darren Criss as more of a lapdog than a husband. Although, a dog-like husband could be OK sometimes. I could eat breakfast in bed and he’d gaze at me longingly, naked, while I ate, and get excited when I dribbled maple syrup down my chin…

    Oh wait. He’s already married to you. Damn. Do they take issue with polygamy where you come from?

    1. Why thank you, Jennie! Now I just need to train one or all of them to whisper in just the right way – perhaps Darren as he pads around on newspaper.

      They fully support polyandry where I come from, and by that I mean the magical place inside my head where we three live in wedded bliss.

  21. OH how I have missed your face. And your Hubby #3’s. Just sayin’. This was pretty brilliant. I almost spit beer out of my ears at O-M-GLEE. *snickers*

    1. These three make teenage girls playing lacrosse look (and smell) like a dream. What a nightmare over here. I really should have thought this polyandry thing through.

  22. I was the longtime (4 months) lead singer for a group we formed for Rock Band (yes, the video game). I’m 34. I do understand what that makes me, thank you. It made me realize that the true talent in both the game and real life is found in the drummer. Just about anyone can carry a tune, but when it comes to the focus and coordination required by percussion…it’s a whole other ball game.

    1. Uh, AWESOME is what it makes you. I SUCK at Rock Band. I sense you might be able to keep at least two out of my three husbands in check. Care to be their drummer? You only have to be great in your head, so you’re already overqualified.

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