Based on recent experiences, I’ve been forced to conclude that the guys I’ve been dating must have only dated women like this…
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Does this ring true for you, too?
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The Women My Exes Must Be Dating
Tag: satire
Christmas Letter: 2020 Edition
Dearest Friends, Family & Adoring Fans,
Wow, can you believe another year has come and (almost) gone? It flew by in such a haze of joy, stability, and stocked shelves! I’m so excited to share some of my 2020 highlights – and, gosh, I hope your year was as awesome as mine!
In January and February, good friends gleefully gathered for birthday parties, clothing swaps, tubing with drag queens, and snowshoeing…
This is going to be the BEST YEAR YET.
In March, I–OH MY GOD FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WHA-? WHY? HUH? TOILET PAPER??
I, like many others, focused on what I could control.
I wasn’t worried about the calories because, hey, this would all be over soon and I was training for a marathon! Which wound up being steeped in cheers, medals, and merriment.
Speaking of, April also found me “celebrating” my birthday alone, surrounded by friends I found in magazine pages.
And then I hit a new low.
Once I realized the answer to my expanding waistline wasn’t in cauliflower form, I began weightlifting with a generous COVID bubble friend/former personal trainer.
Stacy, you say, “You made vegan mac and cheese 14 days in a row” like it’s a bad thing…
Feeling a little better immediately, I made the monumental decision to get bangs accept my first date in weeks months let’s not talk about it.
Quickly remembering why I don’t date, Uncle Jesse and I planned a series of hikes where no one would tell us they never called like they said they would because they were waiting to see if they could take someone ELSE out on a date that weekend (YES THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS).
We first tackled a spectacular canyon hike and had a great time both got burnt paws.
And then, a month later, just when we were sure things couldn’t get worse…
It would be many weeks before we trusted each other again.
Well, no matter, later in the summer, we scaled new heights during a hike that was supposed to have one of the best views in central Oregon!
For our next stunning hike, we climbed on our hands and knees for a half an hour and found a pile of rocks! I wondered if we would need them before the next toilet paper run.
Not to be dissuaded, I sought my next pile of rocks atop the infamous South Sister Mountain.
The universe, sensing someone might be feeling a droplet of joy, quickly reminded us that it was still 2020.
Not fog. Wildfire smoke in Bend, OR (September 2020).
By Halloween, the only people willing to come out from under their blankets were:
The Witches of Bend, OR.
Early November summary:
And then, butt-puckering Election Night was upon us.
And soon (maybe “soon” is a tad subjective) signs of hope sprung up.
Feeling buoyed by thoughts of 2021, I buckled down on my new business venture…
Which resulted in no fewer than 1,000 photos like this.
And I think we all started to see what would soon be in the distant past…
…Making way for something merry and bright.
May 2021 bring EVERYTHING you have on your wish list. Unless it’s Justin Timberlake. Dibs.
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Caring for My Dog: A Simple 137-Step Guidebook
Dear Reader,
Congratulations! After careful review, you have been selected to oversee my 8-year-old Australian Labradoodle, Uncle Jesse, while I’m away. Given the exceptional taste you’ve demonstrated by reading this blog, I feel marginally concerned certain you’ll be able to accommodate my dog’s daily demands.
Because I’m so confident in your abilities, I’ve attached only the abbreviated version of my 137-step guidebook. If at any time you find yourself doubting your caretaking capacity, please call one of the nineteen numbers I’ve listed in the back of this manual.
STEP #1 – HYDRATION
It’s imperative that both you and Uncle Jesse remain hydrated at all times during his stay. This includes, but is not limited to: chilled, Brita-filtered water, refreshed 6-30 times per day, washing and drying the bowl after each rotation. In a pinch, you may provide tap water; we strongly discourage the use of bottled water.
STEP #2 – NUTRITION
Uncle Jesse insists upon an on-demand supply of V-Dog kibble. If any kibble goes uneaten for more than 12 hours, please sample before deciding whether to discard.
Each time Uncle Jesse reenters your home after his mandatory nature bathings (see Step 3), he will expect a “treat” for his willingness to return to your humble dwelling. Acceptable treats include homecooked, plant-based items, arranged on a ceramic plate as follows:
Should you question your ability to select a permissable food item, I’ve drafted this reference card:
STEP #3 – EXERCISE
Uncle Jesse has grown accustomed to 5 miles of brisk walking out-of-doors each day; however, this can be broken into 2+ segments as we understand your employer refused to provide a leave of absence for this visit.
As with hydration, stretching is paramount before each session. If you find he is panting for more than three and a half minutes upon returning, please encourage him to lie down and point your fan directly on him:
STEP #4 – ELIMINATION
Assuming you’ve strictly followed steps 1-3, you can expect an impressive number of bowel movements per day. These occur in varying volume and composition during the aforementioned 5-mile walk, so carrying an array of multi-sized “poop bags” is prudent.
STEP #5 – SLEEP
Uncle Jesse is deeply committed to “total wellness” and therefore insists upon 12+ hours of uninterrupted rest time per day. Please leave your bedroom door ajar at all times. I noticed you had extra pillows on the couch. I suggest moving these to the bed while he adjusts to sleeping in a new location.
Placing towels on the bed to protect your linens will only arouse his rancor.
STEP #6 – PLAY
You’ve probably heard that most dogs enjoy fetch. Being of a highly sensitive nature, Uncle Jesse would rather remain indoors for playtime, with you sitting on the ground and tossing his toys directly into his mouth while he perches on the couch.
If you fail to amuse him, he will notify you by placing the toy between his chin and the pillows that I’m sure you have remembered to return to the couch before beginning this exercise.
STEP #7 – INTERACTION WITH LESSER BEINGS
Uncle Jesse and I are still reviewing the finer points related to the presence of any…well. You know.
At this stage in our discussions, we would both prefer if you locked any “Others” in the basement for the week as we believe it will reinforce the natural balance of things and keep all parties safe from psychological harm. We’re just looking out for your well-being here.
STEP #8 – EDUCATION
Uncle Jesse has an ever-expanding repertoire, with evidence of his aptitude appearing at 10 weeks old.
To maintain this intellectual agility, we enjoy practicing shake, stretch, sit, lie down, paw, other paw, little speak, big speak and “Watch the hair, huh!” on a daily basis.
Please also feel free to pass by our local Catholic church at 7:00am, 8:00am, 9:00am, 12:00pm and 6:00pm so that he might work on his pitch.
STEP #9 – GROOMING
Do not, under any circumstances, tamper with his hair, nails, ears, or teeth. If he appears standoffish, remember to say “please” before asking to pet him.
STEP #10 – TRAVEL
Should you need to chauffeur Uncle Jesse, please leave the back passenger side seat free (he will not tolerate the other side), and leave the window rolled down fully, provided the speed does not exceed 45 MPH and/or the temperature remains above 50 degrees Fahrenheit.
And not to worry, dear reader – those new lights in each room are simply CIA-approved surveillance cameras.
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What Do You Get For the Australian Labradoodle Who Has Everything?
Dear Uncle Jesse,
I’m not sure you’ll recognize that today is special, when we shower you with gourmet, organic treats, long walks and hour-long massages. Or when we coo over and over again, ‘He’s a good man. That’s a good man. Who’s the best man?’
But it’s true!
Today’s your 3rd birthday!
Already you’ve been with us for 2 years, 9 months and 28 days. Now’s not the time to talk of my guilt over your silver-spooned upbringing, but rather to praise your genetic superiority and extremely reputable entry into this world thanks to your mother’s tireless research and your father’s stubborn allergies.
We named you after John Stamos’ character on Full House because we knew you were destined to be the cool one. And have great hair.
Here are just a few of the things we love about you, Uncle Jesse:
You fetch your Hot Pocket toy when we sing the jingle (“Ho-ot Pocket!”).
You dry your tongue on our pants after you take a drink.
You have access to your kibble all day, every day,
and only eat it when we sit down to dinner; then you nosh lying down.
You help Dad tune the guitar when he gets to the 4th string, every time.
You learned how to do Full House-themed tricks at 9 1/2 weeks old.
(If people don’t believe the last two, they should play thE video!)
If you disapprove of someone’s petting methods, you lick them aggressively to correct the faux paw pas. They mistake this for affection. I’m sorry we blew up your spot, but you do it to us, too, you ungrateful bastard well-bred specimen.
Your legs are super long and your paws are incredibly fancy, especially when you tuck them under, or cross them just so.
You’re convinced the bedroom ceiling fan is possessed and/or omnipotent. If it’s been too quiet for too long, or something is otherwise amiss, we catch you staring at it dubiously.
I hope you enjoy this birthday tribute video I made especially for you:
Love,
Your doting and equally adorable mother
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So what do you get for the Australian Labradoodle who has everything? Well, you can make like a Shel Silverstein tree, and give. Please join me in helping friend and fellow blogger, Valerie from Nikitaland:
Note: The ad below the Pledge for Pets button is not part of this post.
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The Guilty Pleasure Gods Are Smiling – Here’s Proof!
Alvin, Theodore, Simon. All my awesome little chipmunks. I don’t even know where to begin.
Since my last post, so many amazing things have happened. I think it’s because the guilty pleasure gods finally realized they have wi-fi, and have subsequently read my blog, and are letting me know they’ve heard me.
(SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DIDN’T WATCH THE “GLEE” PREMIERE YET! BUT SERIOUSLY. GET ON THAT SHIZ!)
PROOF #1: Blaine. Is. In. New Directions!!!!
That’s right. Like with any husband of mine, soaring instantly to success is inevitable. Darren Criss, a.k.a. Blaine Anderson on “Glee”, a.k.a my Second Husband, has left Dalton Academy to join the rest of the cast at McKinley High. That is no easy feat (except for the 10,000 people they let win “The Glee Project” this summer). I sure do hope they keep The Dalton Academy Warblers around, though.
Side note: Second Husband is coming to Broadway in January for 3 weeks, to replace Third Husband Candidate, Daniel Radcliffe, in “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.” I mention this because it means I have approximately 3 1/2 months to work on my “Why Polygamy Is The Right Choice for You” presentation. Powerpoint tips and public speaking pointers are welcome.
PROOF #2. The Good Greatsby imparted his timeless words of wisdom upon me today.
I plan on putting his advice into action immediately. You can check out the post here.
PROOF #3. I discovered a wickedly funny blog recently: Not Quite Old.
If you haven’t already read Nancy’s blog, head on over now! She was just given a Versatile Blogger Award, but I think she is better suited for the Wear-A-Diaper-Before-You-Read-This-Cause-It’s-That-Funny Blogger Award (though she certainly does show versatility in the subject matter she manages to turn into comedy gold – who knew orphans could be so chuckle-worthy?). In that way we are strikingly similar.
That’s all for now. Don’t forget to say your prayers tonight*.
*I should explain. The guilty pleasure gods are not all about genuflections and formality, if you catch my drift. They prefer you pass out on the couch after eating too many E.L. Fudge cookies, and you really, really need to make sure you leave the TV on. Well, I mean, only if you want to show your true devotion, that is.
Happy Anniversary to Me!
Wedding anniversaries are a time to reflect, to pay tribute to the (wo)man of our dreams, to sit back and say, “I love you.”
Or, in my case, “You’re welcome.”
I’ve done so much for you, my hygienic, good-garbage-taker-outer husband; it’s really something special. I’d like to take this time to remind you of all the wonderful things I’ve brought to your life over the years. Why, just 3 years ago, I was willing to learn the Fox Trot for our wedding so people would stop talking about how I have all the class in the relationship. Then there was that time I told you your marriage proposal had to be top-notch because I wanted you to harness your creativity. Oh, and let’s not forget those occasional hormonal meltdowns, where I let you practice being sensitive.
It seems almost too obvious to mention how I graciously allow you to do all the grocery shopping and cooking so you can simultaneously develop your budgeting skills and palette. Or how I occasionally have you read my blog posts in advance so you can fine tune your sense of humor.
I do all of these things for you, ball and chain Spouse. I know sometimes you have trouble putting your gratitude into words and it comes out more like, “You’re so pretty” or “You’re perfect.” It’s okay. I understand. (It’s this same understanding that’s taught you to be so patient and empathetic. But no, no. No need to thank me for that.)
I think one of your students, on the back of your birthday card two weeks ago, put it best (she must have read my witty post about proper greeting cards):
From the bottom of my heart, Mr. gojulesgo, you’re welcome.
Straight Men Click Here and I’ll Make It Worth Your While
I worry, sexy hetero men, that I may have alienated you with my proclamations of, “Let Your Gleek Flag Fly!” and “I saw Daniel Radcliffe’s Naughty Bits!”
I never meant to shun you, studly man muffins. Look, I even wrote a post about farts just for you. Here’s one where I talk about the crazy stuff people have said to me. I know you’ll like that one.
Don’t make me think about how I always lose the “who’s funnier, men or women?” argument with my husband (I see no reason why this has to happen, just because he is, in fact, funnier than me), or that you will only ever like male singers, male comedians, and male talk show hosts.
You should know that my favorite authors are predominantly male (Bill Bryson), if not straight (David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs), and I think that you look very cute in your mismatched socks and 5 o’clock shadow.
Remind yourself that so many guilty pleasures are universal, as is exceptional writing.
I am open to your suggestions, Beefcakes, so please let me know what you’d like to see on this blog. I normally wouldn’t put any restrictions on this invitation, but just remember that I’m trying to get Freshly Pressed (i.e., on the home page of wordpress.com), and for some strange reason they don’t seem to support nudity, nor does my husband.
Toodle-loo, boys.
Introducing…Guilty Flavor of the Week!
I’m feeling a bit down, and I think I just figured out the reason: Reruns! One look at my DVR and you’ll feel as empty as we both do.
It’s time we both focus on the positive things the Guilty Pleasure Gods have to offer this month: 1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) is available on DVD beginning April 15th, 2) “The Warblers” CD drops April 19th, 3) Water for Elephants is coming to theaters on April 22nd,
…AND…
4) GOGP‘s Guilty Flavor of the Week Starts RIGHT NOW!
My amazing new blog feature!
You’re going to love it!!
It’s almost as great as when he/she said he/she’d marry you!!!
And it’s so much better than when all one/two/three/seven of your kids were born!!!!
This week’s Guilty Flavor of the Week honor goes to:
VOYEURISM!
…just kidding (sort of)…
BRUNO MARS!
I swore I wouldn’t fall in love with “Grenade,” but I. Just. Can’t. Help. It. Enjoy (I double dog dare you not to)!!!
Go Jules Go 