Food, humor, Veganiness

Save Time & Money with MORE Vegan Food Hacks!

MORE VEGAN FOOD HACKS

I’ll be honest, Chipmunks. I’m shocked that my first vegan food hack post wound up being one of my most popular ones ever. Usually I write something, my mom reads it, and I move on. That post gets new views and likes every day, even two months later. Whether you’re reading this because you love me food, love saving money/animals/the planet, or any combination of the above, I’m so glad you’re here. BECAUSE…

I HAVE SO MANY MORE (VEGAN) FOOD HACKS!

Jules-single-dollars
You can just go ahead and hold onto these.

They’re so cheap. And so easy. And so yummy.

And? We’re on the heels of my 2-year veganniversary (May 17, 2016…not that I’m keeping track of the spiritual awakening that completely turned my world inside-out or anything), so what better time to celebrate a few more?

Let’s do this.

MORE VEGAN FOOD HACKS

Heads-up: My recipes are very informal because I want to encourage you to experiment! Most of these are really hard to mess up, so let your vegan flag FLY. And if you do mess up? You get to blame me! 

1. Orzo is a fun word

Go-Jules-Go_orzo-pasta-salad

  • 16-oz package orzo
  • 1 jar (about 8.5 oz.) oil-packed sun dried tomatoes (chopped or julienned)
  • Salt (to taste)

That’s right. One 99-cent package of orzo (tiny, scrumptious, basmati rice-shaped pasta) + a jar of julienned sun dried tomatoes in olive oil (about $3.00 from Trader Joe’s) = all you need for several filling meals. Just cook the pasta according to the instructions, strain, and then dump in the jar of sun dried tomatoes, oil and all. DONE. (Okay. You’ll probably want some salt.)

Don’t live near a Trader Joe’s? Check out the food aisle at TJ Maxx/HomeGoods – you’ll often find great deals on things you can stock your pantry with like sun dried tomatoes, condiments, seasonings, nuts, coffee/tea – even almond butter!

For other cheap additions, stir in a some baby spinach (it’ll wilt just from the heat of the pasta), sautéed onions and garlic, and/or any other vegetables that tickle your fancy (asparagus? Zucchini? Cherry tomatoes?). Speaking of fancy, if you want to splurge, add some pine nuts!

You can serve this hot, cold, or room temperature, and it’s a great make-ahead meal for a picnic or party.  Or, try mixing in some vegan mayo (Hellmann’s is my favorite) and turn it into a traditional cold pasta salad with celery, red onion, mustard and dill!

2. InstaPot: What Can’t She Do? (Refried Beans Recipe)

Go-Jules-Go_InstaPot-refried-beans

By using that magical hummus recipe I mentioned in my first vegan food hack post as inspiration, I created my own InstaPot “refried” bean recipe. This is so, SO, *SO* much better than refried beans from a can, and it yields a ton = mega savings.

Don’t have an InstaPot? You can do this on your stovetop, just plan for a 1-2+ hour bean-cook time. (Less if you soak the beans overnight.)

  • 16-oz. bag dried pinto beans
  • However many cups of water it takes to cover said beans
  • Your favorite seasonings, e.g., 1 bay leaf, 1-2 peeled garlic cloves, 1 onion (peeled and quartered), 1-2 spicy peppers (stems cut off), and a teaspoon each of smoked paprika, salt, pepper, oregano, etc.
  • 1/2 c. reserved cooking liquid (see instructions)
  • 1/4-1/2 c. your favorite oil
  1. Rinse off your beans and dump ’em into your InstaPot (IP).
  2. Cover with water, leaving about two inches of extra water on top of them (those suckers grow faster than my waistline after Thanksgiving).
  3. Add whatever seasonings make you smile from the suggested list above – or come up with your own!
  4. Set the IP on manual for 38 minutes (this is the magic pinto bean number – they will be extra soft), and make sure to turn off the IP when the timer sounds. Feel free to use those 38 minutes to catch up on my blog.
  5. After about 10 minutes post-timer, you can manually release the pressure valve without melting your face off.
  6. Strain the beans and any other veggies you added (garlic, onion, peppers, etc.), reserving the cooking liquid. If you used a bay leaf, discard/compost that.
  7. Put the beans in a food processor, along with any other veggies you used, and blend.
  8. Add about 1/2 cup of the reserved cooking water, then slowly add about 1/4 c. of oil while the food processor is on. Do all of this while everything’s still warm, and you’ll be AMAZED by the results. So light! So fluffy!
  9. Give it a taste, and then add more of the cooking water, oil and/or seasoning as needed to light your tastebuds on fire. If it seems thin, it will firm up once it cools.

Like I said, this makes a ton, but it’ll keep all week. You can eat it cold, reheat it and serve with tortilla chips, make a layered bean dip, spread it on tortillas (#foreshadowing), or just eat it on a spoon! Heck, one time I used it as the “sauce” for a Mexican pita pizza (pictured below), adding green chiles, tomatoes, corn, cilantro and vegan cheese!

3. You Get a Tortilla, You Get a Tortilla, Everybody Gets a Tortilla!!!

Tortillas

I buy these tortillas from the refrigerated dairy section of Stop & Shop for $1.49. Eight, succulent, giant, versatile blankets of magic for less than $1.50. The possibilities? Endless.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Quesadillas

 

  • 1 tortilla per quesadilla
  • Your ‘main’ filling of choice: ~1/2 c. refried beans, hummus, mashed potatoes (sweet or regular), or meat substitute
  • 1/4-1/2 c. vegan cheese (optional)
  • 1/4 c. sautéed veggies/greens (optional)

I’m telling you, just about anything will work in quesadillas if you have a pasty-bean-like-filling; you don’t even need cheese, although I’m in love with Trader Joe’s vegan mozzarella and Follow Your Heart.

Once you add your fillings to one half of the tortilla, fold over, and toast on a large nonstick pan (no greasing necessary) on medium-high heat for a couple of minutes on each side.

Last week I microwaved frozen vegan meatballs and mashed them up, added some vegan mozz, put them in a quesadilla, and used marinara sauce for dipping. Italian ‘dilla – BAM!

Enchiladas

Go-Jules-Go-cauliflower-cream
Shhh… this is actually manicotti, but when you make enchiladas like I describe below, it looks pretty much like this!

Enchiladas are more labor intensive (because of prepping the filling), but they’re GREAT for leftovers/work lunches, and I’ve got an awesome hack coming up here.

  • 4 large tortillas
  • Filling:
    • ~2 cups of your grain of choice (rice, couscous, bulgur, quinoa, etc.)
    • ~2 cups of your veggies of choice – cooked (spinach, zucchini, mushrooms, onions, peppers, etc.)
    • ~1 to 1 1/2 cups prepared vegan meat (optional), e.g., soy chorizo, “beef,” etc.
  • 1 jar marinara sauce (anything from 10 to 24 oz. will work)
  • About 1 teaspoon each (or to taste): oregano, crushed red pepper, chili powder, paprika, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder
  • 8 oz. vegan cheese (optional)
  1. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. Prepare your filling and distribute it evenly among the four tortillas, wrapping each into a burrito.
  3. Place four burritos in a 9 x 13 pan.
  4. Now for the hack! Aside from the dirt-cheap tortillas, you can buy ANY marinara sauce and just add your favorite Mexican seasonings (suggested list above) and VOILA! Enchilada sauce for about a buck.
  5. Pour your genius sauce over your burrito babies and feel free to top with vegan cheese.
  6. Bake for 25-30 minutes or until nice and bubbly. (If you’re worried about the cheese burning, you can cover the dish with foil for the first 15 minutes.)

One time I boiled a head of cauliflower and blended the sh*t out of it and used that as a topping, too (swirled like in the photo above). Funky-smelling like cheese, healthy, delicious. Oh, cauliflower, you are the Justin Timberlake of vegetables: limitless potential.

IMG_20180322_225341056_LL.jpg
I knew I’d work this photo in eventually. (JT’s Man of the Woods tour. March 2018, Madison Square Garden.)

Chickpea salad wraps

  • 1 can (about 15 oz.) chickpeas (a.k.a. garbanzo beans), drained and rinsed
  • ~1/4 c. your favorite vegan mayo
  • 1/8 c. finely chopped red onion
  • 1/8 c. finely chopped celery
  • 1 t. dijon mustard
  • 1 T. red wine vinegar (optional)
  • 1 T. relish (optional)
  • 1 T. fresh or 1 t. dried dill (optional)
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Think tuna salad, but swap out a can of chickpeas for tuna! The above are really just suggestions meant to play around with – go crazy! I mash the chickpeas a bit with a fork so they’re even more “tuna”-like.

I love to make wraps out of this with those bargain tortillas, topping with lettuce, tomato, and/or sprouts. You could even skip the mayo and just use oil and vinegar though it would cause me to reevaluate our friendship.

Hellmans-vegan-mayo
My lifeblood.

I could go on and on about tortillas, but I’ve still got two more hacks to go! (And hey, aren’t you supposed to be working?)

4. Carrot-Ginger Soup

 

Feel a cold coming on? Want comfort food that won’t require wearing yoga pants for the next week? This is one of my absolute favorite soup recipes, and I just realized how cheap and easy it is. To make it vegan, simply swap out the butter and milk with plant-based options. (Earth Balance and Westsoy unsweetened soy milk are my favorites, respectively.) To make it even easier? Buy baby carrots – no peeling or chopping necessary!

5. You Say Potato, I say Potatohmygod

Ohhh, are we ever ending with a bang here, Chipmunks! I often keep a container of whole, roasted potatoes in my fridge so that Uncle Jesse (the dog) and I can enjoy them in myriad ways throughout the week. Here are just a few:

Pierogi quesadillas

Go-JulesGo_Pierogi-quesadillas-closeup

I have my friend Christine to thank for this miracle. (Remember Christine? The mastermind behind the vegan dinner party?) When she first found out I went vegan and had me over, she made this as an appetizer and blew us all away!

  • Tortillas (1 per quesadilla)
  • Your favorite potatoes, roasted or boiled (1 per quesadilla)
  • Vegan butter spread (e.g., Earth Balance) – about 1 T per quesadilla
  • Plant-based milk (optional) – about 1/8-1/4 c. per quesadilla
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Other optional fillings: vegan cheese, sautéed onions, peppers, spinach, jalapeño, tomato, scallions, cilantro – you can’t go wrong!
  1. Mash up potatoes with a fork and add non-dairy butter, milk (if using), salt and pepper. I use yukon gold potatoes and leave the skins on (mmm yeah that’s right).
  2. Add any other optional fillings, spread that sh*t on one half of a tortilla, fold over, and toast on a nonstick pan over medium-high heat. No greasing the pan necessary. It takes about a minute or two on each side – watch it closely!
  3. Serve it with whatever you’d like: Salsa, vegan sour cream, ketchup, hot sauce, etc.

Roasted sweet potatoes with creamed spinach

Go-Jules-Go-creamed-spinach-sweet-potato

Sound a little weird? Good. I like pushing you outside your comfort zone.

  • 3-4 sweet potatoes
  • 1 onion (any kind), roughly chopped
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • ~12-oz. baby spinach (roughly chopped, if desired)
  • 1/4-1/2 c. your favorite vegan “cream” (Cashew cheese? Non-dairy milk, sour cream and/or cream cheese? Tahini? They all work!)
  • Nutmeg, salt, pepper and crushed red pepper to taste
  • 1-2 T. nutritional yeast (optional)
  1. Preheat oven to 375.
  2. Wash and prick sweet potatoes with a fork and pop ’em in the oven (usually takes about 1 hour).
  3. While the potatoes are roasting, sauté the onion and garlic over medium heat in a large nonstick skillet (use whatever you prefer to sauté: plant-based butter spread, oil, water or stock).
  4. Once the onions are translucent (5-10 mins), add the baby spinach a few handfuls at a time, letting them wilt.
  5. Now the fun part. Add 1/4-1/2 cup of your vegan cream of choice. My favorite (and arguably easiest) is half tahini, half unsweetened soy milk. Tahini is ground-up sesame seeds, and it’s delicious. It’s also mild in flavor so you don’t have to worry that it’ll outshine your garlic and spinach. They usually sell it in a jar right by the peanut butter, typically on the top shelf.  It can be a little pricy (don’t pay more than $7.00 if you can help it), but a little bit goes a long way in things like dressing, hummus, and the wacky recipe I’m giving you right now. My favorite is Whole Foods 365 brand. I’ve gone on so long about this that I kind of want to make a “The More You Know” video.
  6. Add your seasonings, tasting as you go (a little nutmeg is usually all you need).
  7. Dump that gloriousness on top of your roasted sweet potatoes and have at it! (Pssst. This keeps well as leftovers for a few days.)

Potato casserole

Do you watch Counting On? It’s one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows where the parents have 867 kids, all the women wear long skirts, don’t dance, and make some really f#@$*& delicious-looking food.

Jules-sister-wife
They look kinda like this.

One of those foods is “tater tot casserole.” That is the inspiration behind this much somewhat healthier, vegan version. Thank you, Duggar family.

Go-Jules-Go-potato-casserole

  • 4-5 your favorite potatoes, cut into 1-inch (ish) cubes – I use Yukon gold and keep the skins on
  • 1 or 2 onions (any kind), peeled and roughly chopped
  • ~1/4 c. oil
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • ~15 oz. can black beans
  • 8 oz. your favorite vegan cheese -OR- 1/4 c. nutritional yeast + 1/4 c. walnuts ground together
  • Optional: 1/2-1 c. corn, chopped tomatoes, wilted greens and/or spicy peppers, etc.
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Toss potatoes and onions with oil, salt and pepper, and roast on a baking sheet in a single layer for about 35-45 minutes. (Check on them and give a stir about halfway through. You’ll know they’re done when the potatoes are fork-tender.)
  3. You could seriously stop here and just eat all of it while standing in front of the oven, leaning through the doorway to catch the new Tig Notaro stand-up special on Netflix. No? Okay. Carry on.
  4. Rinse and drain the black beans and add those to the cooked potato-onion mixture, combining into a 9 x 13 pan.
  5. Add any other optional fillings from the list above – or your own invention!
  6. Top with vegan cheese or walnut/nutritional yeast combo and bake for another 15 minutes, or until the cheese is your desired bubbly, golden brown-y-ness.
  7. Don’t tell anyone you made this, because you won’t want to share.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Happy Cooking, Chipmunks! I love you as much as I love carbs.

stuffed-chipmunk-cheek-2

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Giveaway Junkie, humor

Is it…could it be…the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER?!

Marlon-bundo-giveaway-go-jules-go

THE DAY HAS COME, Chipmunks!

The day everyone showers me with attention, compliments, and permission to drink at 9 AM I announce the winner of my latest giveaway!

For this contest, I asked you to (pretty please) leave a comment describing your ideal birthday, with bonus points awarded for mentioning chipmunks. This particular commenter nailed it. I love word-y puns almost as much as I love sneaking “water” into the movies.

And thus, the winner of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver’s “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo” is…

SHENRYDAFRANKMAN!

Go-Jules-Go-birthday-giveaway-winner-2018Congratulations, SHENRYDAFRANKMAN! I’ll be in touch to send you your delightful spoils.

Oh. What’s that? You’re wondering what my ideal birthday would look like? That’s so sweet of you! I hadn’t really given it much thoug—

Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-1Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-2Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-3Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-4Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-5Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-6Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-8Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-9Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-10Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-11Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-12Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-13Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-14Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-15Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-17Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-18Go-Jules-Go-2018-dream-birthday-Darren-Criss-19

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Photo Credits: Darren CrissChipmunksKetchup dogOreo dogBanana dogPopcorn dogTater tot dog; Justin Timberlake

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 

humor, Marriage

Vote For My Third Spouse!

GoJulesGo-Cold-Bed

Welp. The preliminary polls have spoken! While I’d narrowed it down to four “3rd spouse” candidates all on my own, you fine chipmunks joined forces to determine candidate #5:

The Byronic Man.

Seasons-Sheetings-2012-FINAL
Remember our Christmas ‘sheet set’ giveaway? There are a lot of jokes here about beds and keeping warm, but I am far too classy to make them.

I certainly can’t blame you. In fact, I’m pretty sure nine out of ten bloggers already think I’m married to The Byronic Man.

It occurs to me that finding my third spouse is like completing the final layer of my Dream Cupcake. Have you heard of these cupcakes? I hadn’t either, until I was roped into volunteered to help my parents cook for Easter Sunday.

Dream-cupcake

1st layer: Chocolate chip cookie dough.

2nd layer: Reese’s peanut butter cup.

3rd layer: Brownie batter.

Cook 30 minutes at 350 F. Then eat. Then just crawl into a hole and die. Because life can only go down from there.

Um, anyway, okay, so, with the final 5 candidates selected…

It’s time to vote for my third spouse! (If you missed it, Click here to review their entries!)

Polls close NOON EST, Wednesday, April 3, 2013. My third spouse and I will regale you with some of our misadventures on Friday, April 5, 2013!

Marriage, Wipe the Drool

My Bed is Getting Cold

As many of you Chipmunks know, I have a long-standing polyandrous situation in my house. Sure, First Husband, Peppermeister, is great, but…Scrabble…is more fun with extra players. Cue Second Husband, Darren Criss (of Glee fame).

Things have been grand over the past year, but our bed is really, really big. So.

Enough chatter. I’m cold.

GoJulesGo-Cold-Bed

Let’s review the candidates…

#1 – My BFF, Jenn

My dearest wife Jules,

Jenn-bday-WickedAfter all these years, I know it’s obvious to you I was born to be your third and only (hmmm, we’ll have to work on that – we have time).  But perhaps your readers, like the majority of state legislatures in our fair nation, need a pinch of persuasion.  After all, they haven’t:

  •  worked retail with me
  • fallen in/out of love with my brother
  • fled to the arms of another man from dated YOUR brother
  • taken a kick ass road trip with me
  • nearly died with me

Okay, those last two are really the same thing, but I’ll make it count for two.

Jules, I was born to be your Third Husband, because let’s face it.  I got this vow shizz locked up like a three-peat offender.  In good times and in bad?  How much better can it get than our impending wedding date in the banquet hall of a Greek restaurant in Texas that rents its second floor as apartments? (B-T-Dubs, my first guest post as Hub3 – just sayin’.)

JULES + JENN 4-EVER.
JULES + JENN 4-EVER.

And bad times?  Let’s be honest, we’ve already hit rock bottom together.  Amazingly, I’m not even talking about vodka here.  On our road trip [from New Jersey to Georgia in 2002], you lost your wallet, like, 27 minutes in.  We were checked into the Blue Ridge Motor Lodge (I could stop here) by a heavily bleeding sexagenarian who begged us to take a plunge in his toad-infested pool (he really did have a surprisingly strong grasp on metaphor). Then our friend couldn’t meet up with us in Atlanta as planned because he was… oh, that’s right… IN JAIL.  And to top it all off, we nearly died.  On a cliff.  We nearly went over a cliff together.  Can’t you just see the Thelma and Louise motif on our engraved invitations?

When we I backed up on the freshly wet gravel, smack into the electrified fence that was then the only thing between my back tires and the plummet, and the passenger door was pinned shut by the… voltage, didn’t I demand that you climb over me to safety?  Wriggle between my body and the steering wheel, out the driver’s door, before I even THOUGHT about escaping myself?

Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.
Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.

And when the farmer in denim overalls, sans shirt or underwear, came strolling out to look at my handiwork with his fence… and you asked him where exactly we were…. when he removed the hay from both his teeth to reply: “Girly, you’re in the middle of nowhere…”     Well, girly, he couldn’t have been more wrong.  We could never be lost as long as we’re together.

So, in conclusion:

I, BFF, take you, GJG, to be my unlawfully wedded wife, to have (mercy) and hold (your hair back), from this day forward. For better (see above) and worse (ditto), for richer (I’m not worried) and poorer (we got this), in sickness (check) and health (too late), until Blue Ridge Mountain death do us part.

Love,

Jenn

#2 – Adam Levine

Jules-Adam-Levine
No, I don’t, Adam. Show, I mean tell, me.

Hey Jules,

You know what they say about guys with tattoos…

xox,

Adam

P.S. – I do yoga.

#3 – Justin Timberlake

Jules,

You knew I'd come back for you, Jules.
You knew I’d come back for you, Jules.

I’ve wracked my brain abs for a way to properly thank you for convincing me to finally bring sexy back. Are you enjoying my new album, The 20/20 Experience, which dropped March 19th? Oh wait, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And how I plan to repay you…

Hugs and Harmonies (and more?),

JT

#4 – Bacon

My Jules,Pi Day Pie Bacon-2

Duh.

-Bacon

#5 – ?

Third-Husband-Mystery-ManThat’s right, Chipmunks. Here’s your chance to nominate someone else, or throw your teeny, tiny, adorable hat in the ring. And take it from Jenn: I’m very open-minded…

Submit your 5th candidate ideas [in the comments section below] by NOON EST Wednesday, March 27th. Polls will open Thursday, March 28th at 6am EST!

Brrr.
Brrr.
Kvetching, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Dear Justin, Please Bring Sexy Back. It’s, Like, My Christmas Wish.

Sexy like this, Justin.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Think of all the poor little children without denim in 2001.

I forgave you for the denim suit you wore to the American Music Awards in 2001. I forgave you for the cornrows you wore to…lots of places. But when you stopped going on tour and took up acting? Well, that one still smarts.

You’re a top-notch performer, J.T. We can all appreciate that (even the macho-macho-men). But that’s not acting.

Look at them! They're so straight and...teeth-y.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry because I love you. You have beautiful teeth.

Please remember that as I tell you I’ve finally figured out why you can’t act (something I’ve been pondering ever since I saw Model Behavior on ABC):

I wanted to like it. I really did.

You’re too confident and famous.

You have NO idea what it’s like to be normal. That’s not an insult. You just don’t. Why would you? It’s kind of like the way I don’t know how to be cool, or how to end an awkward conversation.

When you act, you try to pretend you’re the nice guy who finishes last, but it’s just pretend. I think you think by using your ‘breathy voice’ that you’re conveying vulnerability, but you’re not.

Oh. I feel so bad saying this. Did I mention I love you? You’re the only one who can bring sexy back.

But the thespian thing, it’s just not working out. I mean, you’ve been in some REALLY good movies. You’re tall and handsome. But I still don’t believe you. You’re not a superhero or the guy next door or the smarmy entrepreneur.

You’re Justin Timberlake. And you bring the sexy.

Please, Justin. Please. Bring sexy back.

Snuggles and Slap Bracelets*,

gojulesgo

*don’t forget about my Slap Bracelet Giveaway!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Photo Credits

#1: ivillage.com

#2: askmen.com

#3: amazon.com

#4: content.hollywire.com

Late Night, Music, New Jersey is breathtaking, TV Junkie, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Two Things You Have to See Today

#1 – Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon performing History of Rap PART 2 (!!!) on Monday’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

#2 – This parking sign I saw outside of Kohl’s yesterday:

Did they know I was coming? Seriously, what’s the deal with this?? (I did a little homework, but I’m still not sure what the credentials are.)

Lists, Uncategorized

I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed

I realized something today, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. I’ve come to conclude that the more embarrassing something is for me, the more amusing it is to you, dear reader.

With that in mind, I’d like to talk about Parents. Don’t they just say the darndest things? (I know it’s a two-way street, Mom and Pop. Remember when I said I wanted to quit the flute? Or when I told you I wasn’t going to college because I was going to be a screenwriter?) More often than not, people claim that their parents are an ongoing source of shame. Usually, I disagree with these ungrateful little bastards.

Except this one time.

"My mom let me leave the house like this, and now I'm one of the first things to pop up when you do a Google Image search for 'embarrassing.'"

Now, I’m not going to talk about the time they put my dog to sleep without telling me, or the many times they let me leave the house in white tights and boxer shorts. No, no. That would just be unenlightened.

I’m going to tell you about something you can probably relate to. I’m going to tell you about the time they told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. What the fudge, right? Why don’t we try lowering the bar a little, Babs and John? Some days I can barely remember how to tie my shoes. Yesterday, I asked my husband which side the heart is on*. In case it’s not already abundantly clear, I AM grown up, and I CAN’T be anything. In fact, the list of what I CAN be is getting shorter by the minute. I can’t even audition for American Idol anymore!

Before I sound like one of those ungrateful little bastards myself, I should pay tribute to all of the things I CAN do, thanks to my parents. So here, in no particular order, are my inherited skills:

I make a mean carrot cake.

I can paint a room without taping up the edges first.

I can play Chopsticks and Heart and Soul on the piano.

I can recite most of Dirty Dancing.

I can ABSOLUTELY recite every lyric to every John Denver song ever recorded.

I can use “merkin” in a number of ways during family Scategories without getting in trouble.

…Thanks, Mom and Pop.

*My husband would like you to know that I can’t really be faulted for asking this question, because I have a severe case of [self-diagnosed] selective dyslexia, whereby I usually cannot tell the difference between left and right. “Even when you’re looking RIGHT AT the GPS!” he is saying now. He is sweet, but I don’t need his pity.

"You'd better not laugh, you stupid b*tch." ...Wait, I don't think that's it.