Wow. You know you’re an underachiever when a blog post writes itself, yet you’re still a week late in publishing it.
Last week
I don’t know if I should say thank you or I’m sorry for your spectacular entries. You made my first eHarmony experience look like a fairy tale.
And thus, the winner of “The Happiness Advantage” is none other than…
Lorna from Lorna’s Voice!
Lorna’s entry:
Okay. Here goes. The Reader’s Digest version of a blind date with a Miserable Bastard (MB) that ended up in a marriage proposal from hell.
The MB in question was a pompous ass lawyer. My friend set me up with him. I immediately began questioning my judgement in friends. During our first date all he could about was talk about:
1. himself
2. how much he hated the town we lived in (my home town, his new town)
3. his former girl friend who was of Nordic descent (I’ll call her Icelandic Dream Girl)I thought it was a “one and done” kind of an evening, but he wanted to see me again for dinner, not just drinks, explaining that he only asked women out on first date for drinks because he didn’t want to waste his time and money for a whole “dinner thing” if the woman wasn’t his type. Charming, huh?
I accepted his dinner invitation. Why?
Because I was:
1. drinking heavily at the time
2. lonely
3. drinking heavily at the time
4. had low self-esteem
5. drinking heavily at the time
6. didn’t want to spend the rest of my life aloneWe dated for several months, during which time he berated me every chance he got, which was a lot. He even forced himself on me (like in rape) and blamed me for not liking it, which I apologized for due to (see above list).
After the rape thing, I kind of knew he wasn’t the MB for me. I tried to avoid him by making excuses not to see him. Clever MB must have figured out what I was up to. Icelandic Dream Girl must have pulled something similar.
In a moment of weakness (see above list), I agreed to go with him on an outside adventure. I’m not the outdoorsey type. He fancied himself an Olympian in canoeing. Out we went onto an angry lake in a yellow death trap. I sat on the floor of the canoe which was swamped due waves cresting over the sides, my hands were claws gripping the edges of the damn boat/likely casket. I thought his plan was to drown me. Imagine my surprise when he proposed marriage to me. I told him I had to think about it, wanting to be on terra firma when I told him to screw himself. Which I did.
The end.
Congratulations, Lorna! I’ll be in touch to award your prize. And a martini.
Any new run-ins with miserable bastards? Um, any plans for spring? Talk to me. I love you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
Congrats Lorna!! You deserve it after that experience. (And please note that not all lawyers are pompous MBs. Most, but not all). 😉
Um, er, thanks. I never thought anything good would come from that experience–except maybe learning to steer clear from lawyers, which I have! 🙂
Have you softened already, Ninja Snaps?!
Good god! That is so awful, miserable bastard seems like too light of a term to describe him. Sorry you went through that hell. Good riddance to him.
Yeah, I had a few other choice terms for him, but I’ve for.gotten them due to alcoholic blackouts and other unfortunate brain malfunctions. Ah, the good old days… 😉
It’s a fine line, isn’t it? Drinking enough to forget, yet wanting to capitalize on every moment for the sake of one’s blog?
Yeah, we have to be like the Nadia Comanecis of the metaphorical balance beam, only not Romanian or perfect 10s because that’s, like, totally unrealistic for blonde American bloggers.
Holy Crap! what a story. Ya, you deserve to win.
Thanks! I’m stunned. But not as stunned as I was in that damned canoe! 😉
LOL, Just crazy. 😉
Yup! That’s me all over… 😉
LOL 😀
Way to go, Lorna! I still love that you told him to go screw himself. 🙂
I have mixed feelings about saying this, Jess, but you were DEFINITELY a contender. 😉 We need to form a club, like, yesterday.
I’ll get the membership cards made up immediately! Honestly, Lorna wholeheartedly deserved to win because she actually had the lady balls to tell off that MB. I wish I had done the same.
I really think the only person he truly loved was himself, so a self-screw would probably have been quite enjoyable to that MB!! 😉 Freaking control freak! Boy, I sure could pick ’em back then…
I just still can’t get over how oblivious he was. (And that’s why I should probably stop dating. Because this kind of thing still surprises me.)
Hey, it still surprises me, and it happened to me. But I’d rather be bamboozled by life and live with an innocent, open heart than to never again be surprised because I’ve armored-alled myself with skepticism and mistrust. Plus, I guarantee myself more funny stories to share in the future!
Jules, I can’t believe it! I’m so honored and embarrassed at the the same time. It’s kind of like winning the Darwin Awards, only I’m alive to accept the honor! 🙂
Congrats, Lorna!!! I’m happy you’re alive 🙂
Me, too, although I would have found a way to tell this one from the grave…my watery grave… 😉
By the way, you can contact me via email: dizzylorna@hotmail.com
Fits, doesn’t it? 😉
Emailed you (as you know by now)! Will be back on later to properly comment bomb.
I would expect nothing less!
Congrats Lorna! I was going to lament over the fact that I hadn’t won, but yeah, Lorna’s story was pretty bad. Plus, knowing Lorna as I do, I know that this book is perfect for her!
Right?! This was definitely an, “Umm. I’m sorry… but… you won…” kind of contest.
Jeez, Louise, Lorna, I’m sorry that happened to you. Hope you love the book!
I know there’s such a thing as Overnight Express, but do you think they offer a Time Machine Express so I can get this book to Lorna before she even meets this guy?! And hey – I bet it would be pretty cheap!
Can a miserable bastard also be a miserable bitch (same initials for goodness’ sake!). If so, I have a story or two that might have even cost me more than your west coast date.
Scott
ABSOLUTELY. Although I have mixed feelings about being so excited to hear these tales…
Learning to love the pain of others is an author’s privilege. I will try to send it soon. Any special manner?
OMG how did I miss this one! Though I’m not sure I could’ve beat your winner – that was awesome/horrible! (Like Crazy/Beautiful but sort of dark-side). Wow.
Bless that lady…
Anyway, if you’re ever curious about the MB’s I know see any post on my blog about work; especially if it a character named “Jar-Jar Bitch” is featured. Ta ta!
1) you’re so damn beautiful.
2) I’m also trying to lose weight
3) I set up my first blog about 35 mins ago
4) even though I’m only 14 I’ve already met a MB
5) 98% of guys are crap so I just gave up.
6) Your blog is absolutely amazing, and it’s hilarious.
I love this already and looking forward to having a blog like yours one day
Best. Comment. Ever! (I was going to number this 1-6, but then found myself saying that over and over.) Thank you!! This is a great li’l bloggy community, so definitely reach out if you have any questions and good luck! I hope you love it as much as I do!
Hey there! Wow, look at you Bloggy McPostington! Nice to see you’re up and running (no pun intended). Back in great form, no surprise there, with the contests and confessionals and humor. Obviously, Lorna’s story is a weird place to pop in with a little “Hi, how’re things…” but wanted to lose no more time.
I was wondering how long it would take you to see the bloggy bat twin signal!!
Hey! check out MY blog!! :))))))) https://crlul.wordpress.com/ yours is great!