Kvetching, PSAs

I Did It All For The Stickers

Oh, hi blog, it’s me, Jules. You probably didn’t recognize me because I’VE LOST MY F%$&%@ MIND.

Remind me never to buy real estate again. In fact, remind me to never buy anything again, ever. Okay, maybe toothbrushes. Those get really gross after a while.

Trying to sell your house is like having to, every day for, possibly, ever, tell a 6-year-old Santa Claus doesn’t exist. You don’t know how bad it’s going to be, but you know it’s going to be bad.

Especially when you’ve lost your job and are convinced you can do everything yourself.

Case in point: Buying this year’s Christmas tree became a rushed, haggard ‘staging’ opportunity, as opposed to a magical, fragrant event wherein I blast John Denver and the Muppets and drink egg nog rum.

Ever try to chop down a tree with a rusty saw and an eye that tells you 10 feet is 7 feet?

Case in point part deux: In the past month, I’ve learned things about my vacuum that, frankly, I think I was better off not knowing.

Three years together, vacuum, and NOW you tell me?
Three years together, vacuum, and NOW you tell me?

In fact, I was so desperate to get out of cleaning the downstairs coat closet, when Babs (my mom) mentioned needing help at the office yesterday, I gleefully volunteered. She works for an allergist, and while I was sure I’d be of no use whatsoever, she was more than willing to perch me in the front window for the day.

Questions I Was Not Able to Answer

  • Can I come in for a flu shot?
  • Can you talk to my primary care doctor about sending over my blood work?
  • What is your fax number?
  • Can I still have peanut and sesame oil?

Question(s) I WAS able to Answer

  • Can my child have a sticker?
And may I recommend My Little Pony?

How often do you replace your toothbrush? When did you find out Santa Claus wasn’t real? Would you like a sticker?

86 thoughts on “I Did It All For The Stickers”

  1. Well, like I said, your tree looks fabulous. You look fabulous.

    As for those pesky questions at the office? Just say no to everything. Can’t go wrong. (except the sticker question). I had no idea Babs worked at an allergist! Funny, I’m applying to work at one for my externship. I’ll be spending my days pricking people with little tiny needles. mwa ha haaa!!

    1. Thanks, DP – I figured I should get one last picture of me with hair before I go all Britney Spears.

      She’s worked there for a thousand years, and has clearly grown weary of the questions. My favorite moment [was her on the phone, saying]: “If you come in JUST for the shot, you can come in today at 11. But that’s it. No chit-chat.”

      1. Jules,

        Babs is clearly still awesome… and the apple does not fall far from the tree (you are the apple, I know it’s weird, but just let it happen).

        -Soul Walker

  2. Can you imagine trying to sell a house while still gainfully employed full time?! Yikes x 1,000.

    What, exactly, are you doing about finding a new house? That’s the problem when you sell your house. They new owners want you to get the hell out.

    1. No. No, I literally cannot imagine it. It has taken me two months to do everything, and I’m STILL not done. (Showings start Sunday.)

      THANK GOD we’re planning to rent [for ever and ever and ever], so, not a whole lot of pressure on that end.

    1. Thank you very much! And funny you should mention that; both the tree and my Christmas spirit are held together primarily with Transformers stickers and duct tape.

  3. Stickers make it all better! And rum. Gah. Selling a house. Hope to not do that again for a while. And even my 12-yr-old still believes in Santa. I just don’t have the heart (stamina?) to break the news to him.

    Tree looks lovely, 10 feet or 7. Enjoy the holidays however you can, Jules. Don’t waste a single precious day being down!

    1. My Christmas Wish List is the shortest it’s ever been: 1) Someone to buy my house. 2) Booze. Or maybe booze should come first?

      I still believe in Santa, too. And I know the real reason his nose is always so red.

      Thank you, Shannon! 🙂

  4. Tree looks great! I love the enthusiasm with which you are displaying the stickers…even if your expression is, very slightly, manic and scary. Only very slightly, but just in case, yes please, I would like a sticker, you pick which one. Or if you actually don’t want me to have one, that’s fine too.

    1. It’s too bad I don’t have time to send out holiday cards to my bloggy friends this year – then you’d REALLY see some sticker action!! I have a whole craft room (that’s now staged as a young girl’s bedroom, ha) for crying out loud!

      Happy holidays to you, too! 🙂

  5. Whoa…this is weird. You know what song I heard on the way to work? “I Did It All for the Nookie.” What color are you wearing today? I bet we’re in the same color.

    Don’t bother buying toothbrushes. Don’t the dentists there give you free ones at every checkup?

    Also…you look great!

    1. Get out! I haven’t heard that song in ages, so I don’t know why it popped into my head last night. I was cracking myself up thinking of title puns which would have been so much better, but didn’t apply to this post, like, “I Did It All For The Cookies,” or one about English Muffins, “I Did It All For The Nooks And Crannies.”

      Thank you! I am wearing gray and green today, but it doesn’t really count because I’m in schlubby cleaning clothes and I’m sure you’re in something far more adorable.

  6. I hate new jobs. You leave a job where you know exactly what to do and what is expected of you and instead find yourself at a job where you don’t even know where the bathroom is.

    1. When I start a new job, the first thing I do is make sure I know right where the bathroom is, so two hours in, I can hide in the last stall and appropriately mourn the loss of my soul.

    1. Thanks, Lilykins! Some people say you should only put up non-denominational decorations if you’re selling your house over the holidays, but I think the giant, inflatable manger in the front yard, and the Buddy Jesus welcome mat are really going to draw in the best offers.

  7. I agree with all you said, and your tree looks wonderful. Mine is still sitting—unfluffed (it’s a fake) people keep telling me I need to fluff.Oh, and decorate.

    Selling a house is horrible! I can empathize with you on that. Thank the little rum making companies—or gin companies—or wine companies—or those fru-fru vodka companies..

    That vacuum appears to be a Dyson? We plunked down the money, and the thing lasted a couple of years. It’s not like I vacuum every day—or every week, so not sure why such an expensive thing turned into a piece of crap. We went for the cheaper version. Works fine—when I use it.

    1. Why aren’t you fluffing, April?! And vacuuming?! It’s December 6th! My God!

      On second thought, let’s just drink and blog. Yes. Much better plan.

      P.S. – Yes, it’s a Dyson I got with ‘awards points’ back in the days of gainful employment. I think the trick is using it just once every three years.

  8. You should totally use your sticker-displaying photo on all your house-selling literature. Here are my reasons:
    A) It has stickers,
    2) It’ll convince buyers your house is TOTALLY child friendly.
    C) It has stickers
    D) Buyers will think your house comes with a reception desk, which is something _so many_ houses are lacking these days.
    5) It has stickers

    1. 1) Do you know how hard it was for me to NOT include the actual flyer I made for the house, because I’m so proud of it?
      B) But it needs more stickers.
      3) I also think more houses should have indoor slides. Or at least fireman’s poles. All we have is a spiral staircase that makes me feel fat trying to walk down it.
      4) I love your list almost as much as I love stickers.
      E) This one is just because you had five on your list and I have OCD.

      1. I want to like this a million times, because your list-numbering soothes my obsessive little soul. And also, I just spent the last 15 minutes Googling where i can buy a fireman’s pole. (Which I do not recommend doing at work. It’s ever so slightly _awkward._)

        And I have an apartment.

      1. Um, if it helps AT ALL – two of the four sets of lights on my tree are out. I don’t know if there’s a single light burnt out or if I just haven’t found the pluggy thing but you know what? I don’t care. Tree is still pretty and ‘ain’t nobody got time for that!’ 🙂

        1. Ha ha ha I was just saying that to She’s A Maineiac this morning – ain’t NOBODY got time for that.

          I did just see these GE brand lights that advertise as ‘not going out if one bulb drops’ and I’m soooo all over that during the day after Christmas sales this year.

          1. Hahaha.
            I’m gonna have to check out those lights. Or check under the tree to make sure the lights are all plugged in…chances are, that’s what my problem is.

  9. I had stickers all over the passenger window from my daughter .. Ahhh the good old days.. And regarding real estate agents… The second you close they disappear. Hello Hello Anyone there? Hello?

    1. We had these glow-in-the-dark stickers on one window, courtesy of the former homeowners, and I was SURE they’d be a beast to take off (because EVERYTHING I thought would be easy in getting the house ready to show turned out to…not be) – and they came right off!

  10. It’s the little things that matter!! You look like you are a great sticker giver. I would hire you in a minute!!!!!!!!!! My 17 year old daughter still likes to get stickers at her doctor’s office. 🙂

  11. I love when you start a new job and the first thing they do is have you answer the phone. If it’s your first day, there is literally no useful information you can provide to someone who is calling. If they looked up the phone number, they know more about the business than you do.

    1. YES. That’s always mystified me, too. I gave up about five minutes in as far as pretending I actually worked there. “I have no idea, I’m just here to [not] help my mom” went over better than you might think it would in a doctor’s office.

  12. You poor thing. What a stressful bunch of days. I love that you went to help your mom out anyway though, because this post was hilarious! I’ve already had my flu shot, can I have a sticker?!

  13. I want a sticker! And also, selling a house SUCKS. It sucks so bad I don’t even ever want to buy again I was so scarred by the experience. =/

  14. Also I now have Limp Bizkit stuck in my head and an amazing image of you intensely singing “I did it all for the sticker” while waving your hands around.

  15. “Can I come in for a flu shot?” “Flu’s been cured.”

    “Can you talk to my primary care doctor about sending over my blood work?” “I tried. He said he doesn’t like you and he thinks you’re a whiner.”

    “What is your fax number?” “Hold on, let me check 1997.”

    “Can I still have peanut and sesame oil?” “Perv.”

      1. In the midst of the health care debacle, they were saying on the radio that here in Oregon, the only way to apply for health care is to fill out a 19-page application, on paper (there is no online option), then fax it to the CoverOregon office. The CoverOregon office, it has been revealed, has 1 – one, uno, 0+1 – fax machine.

        1. That’s why I’m starting my own underground healthcare system. We have two fax machines, Hello Kitty stickers, and most importantly, these:

          P.S. – I LOL’d at “0+1”.

  16. 1) good luck with the house
    2) I’d buy it just based on the Martha Stewart Christmas staging
    3) You are so, so skinny! You look fab…and I hate you
    4) Yes, I want a My Little Pony sticker

    1. Oh Peggles, for this list I’m giving you the whole roll of stickers! Thank you!

      We thought we had an offer in the bag earlier this week, from the very first people who saw the house, and I figured it was the Christmas miracle I’d been praying for, but now it’s been crickets for two full days. Not sure if I should text their realtor, or if that makes us seem over-eager. The last I heard was on Wed, when she asked if we’d be willing/able to close in 30 days! AND THEN CRICKETS. GAH!

  17. Sorry I’ve missed a couple of your posts! It is impossible to sign into my phone to leave comments. I’ve been out of my %^&$! mind too in spending 50 plus hours on my Christmas cards this year.
    I bet the patients loved you!

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