This One’s A Real Gas

Photo courtesy of: blogs.seattleweekly.com

I should be talking about how I finally saw “Water for Elephants” this weekend, and thoroughly enjoyed it, but the real guilty pleasure in that was the overstuffed, leather, reclining seats at one of AMC’s new dine-in theaters, which are starting to overtake the Garden State.  Sure, you need a bib since you can’t sit up straight or see what you’re eating,  but that might be just as well after you’ve snuck in a ‘water’ bottle or two.

But I have so many other things to tell you about. Like what happened yesterday.

I normally make a habit of avoiding eye contact when I go to the gas station (yes, in New Jersey we are still not trusted to pump our own gas), but ever since they swindled me into paying for premium a couple of weeks ago, I now look the attendants squarely in the gourd and wait for them to confirm my, “Fill it regular, please.”

Yesterday, after I said that, the middle-aged, hairy attendant simply took my credit card and replied in a thick accent, “Too much clothes” before walking away.

My knee-jerk reaction was to leap out of the car Jersey Shore-style, snapping my fingers in the air and screaming, “Excuse me? Oh no you didn’t!!” while I pulled out his beard extensions. At nearly $4 a gallon, was I also now paying an even bigger price? Was I now selling my dignity at the neighborhood pump?

A couple of seconds later, however, I saw the blinding humor in it and sat there laughing and singing along to my Warblers CD. I mean, you had to give it to the guy. He clearly wasn’t playing games. If he were a serial killer, it would have been a straightforward, “Too much breathing,” before he turned my skin into a kilt.

The ironic thing is that I’m starting to feel guilty for thinking this is funny. What do you think? Vote now!

Music, Uncategorized

Modern Fart

My husband has been trying to convince me of the power of farts for quite some time now. “They’re hilarious,” he says over and over again. I always lift my delicate nose high in the air and scoff.

Yesterday, though, something disturbing happened. I arrived at my friend’s house and she escorted me to the kitchen saying, “[My husband’s] cutting the cheese.” And I had to bite my tongue to keep from giggling!

Really, Julie, I thought to myself, you’re almost 29 years old. And that’s almost 30. It’s time to put the fart jokes behind you. Then I remembered my blog, the perfect place to embrace the inherent humor of farts! Everyone wins.

Farts are universal, and while nothing new, in today’s modern age we have access to some of the finest farts around. My husband will gladly show you his Fart app, which has over 100 unique farting noises.

Because I would never deny you instant gratification or the opportunity to GOGP, I present you with my top three favorite fart moments. Don’t forget to cast your vote!

P.S. – You haven’t really lived until you’ve tagged a blog about farts.

#1 – Iguana Fart? Why, Yes, I do

#2 – Farts on the Sly – Live!

#3 – I Motion to, Well, You Know