Who Wants To Be A Studio Audience Member?

Posted on June 19, 2013 | 50 Comments

I’ve lived in northern New Jersey my entire life, which means constant access to ~~pork roll and Bon Jovi~~ some pretty cool stuff, like the myriad New York City happenings, a mere 25 miles away.

It’s easy to take this proximity for granted; I’ve only met a few other people who leverage one especially cool perk: Television show tapings!

Babs (my mom) is one of those people.

That’s right, Chipmunks! On Monday, Babs and I saw a taping of The Daily Show! Okay, The Daily Show Lite. While Jon Stewart is off coloring or basket-weaving or directing movies this summer, John Oliver, a Daily Show correspondent, is hosting.

Watch out, Jon. He’s good.

“Nice!” you’re probably thinking. “Why doesn’t everyone do this?”

Hey, great question, you. Shows with studio audiences are usually desperate to fill the house 5 days a week, so tickets are easy to come by (with some exceptions).

But.

While the tickets are free, they still have a price: Shows overbook, so even if you’ve reserved tickets, you have to [take off from work and] arrive early to pick them up – several hours before the taping begins. Then you have to return later, get back in line, and wait some more.

In any kind of weather.

I’m the moron in dark blue jeans in 90-degree heat.

And there’s still no guarantee you’ll actually get in.

The studio entrance.

Which is why it’s important to get ~~drunk~~ resourceful. For example, find a ~~mom~~ Babs who won a poop-ton of lottery scratch-off tickets from a radio station:

25 lotto tickets: $50. Post Scratch-Off Carpal Tunnel Meds: $80. Winnings: $4. That face: Priceless.

Booze: $30. Lotto tickets: ~~$50~~ free. Winnings: $4. That face: Priceless.

I imagine this waiting game is similar to childbirth. You forget about all of that boring, painful, hot, sticky, gross stuff once you feel the love. (I bet it’s exactly the same, am I right, parents?) Cue the ice-cold studio and geeking out.

One of the only shows I’ve ever been to where they allowed pictures during designated times.

You also forget about all of that waiting when the audience warm-up act starts picking on your mother (note: the following is based on actual events, a la Rescue 9-1-1):

You DEFINITELY forget about that waiting when the host gives the audience a personal hello, sincere thanks, and answers questions.

And you totally, totally, TOTALLY forget about that waiting when you spot yourself on TV that same night:

Didja miss me? Okay, fine, that wasn’t really fair. Let me help ya out:

Especially epic since The Daily Show almost never features their audience on the live show.

Psst: If you’re in the New York City area and would like tickets to a Daily Show taping, check out this page.

Have you ever been to a television show taping? If not, would it be worth all of that uncertainty and waiting to you? What show tops your list?

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Posted in humor, TV Junkie

Tagged John Oliver, Jon Stewart, studio audience, the daily show

“I Do”-Wop

Posted on June 13, 2013 | 96 Comments

When my BFF, Jenn, asked how things were going in Plural Marriage-ville, she was surprised by my answer.

Here’s a taste of why.

Have you ever been in a band, or wish you had been? Any groupies out there?

P.S. – Special thanks to Jenn, and to those of you who suggested The Hubs form a band. Less special thanks to Hubs 1 through 3. Now cut that sh*t out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 96 Comments

Posted in I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Kvetching, Marriage, Music

Tagged Darren Criss, humor, The Byronic Man

6 Things You Need To Know Before Taking Up Hiking

Posted on June 10, 2013 | 95 Comments

Alternate titles: R.I.P. Big Toenail; I Can’t Feel My Butt; Who Needs Heel Skin, Anyway?

I logged 17 miles in hiking this weekend, Chipmunks. (And I saw you! Yes. I saw my first chipmunk since December!)

Local hiking splendor.

You’re probably wondering who I am and what I’ve done to Jules. I have a confession. When I’m not drinking and Googling bacon recipes, I like to go outside and get my ~~sweat~~ nature on. I can’t stand running, and cyclists make me think devil thoughts, but give me a dirt path, some shady trees and a mountain view payoff, and I’m there faster than you can say, “Does this trail mix have chocolate chips? Because that’s really the only kind worth buying.”

Mt. Monadnock, 2005.

It’s been a while since I’ve hit the hardcore trails , but in order to combat the three B’s (boredom, bumming and broke-itude) that have slammed me lately, I decided to get my Timberland mojo back. I’ve been tackling the relatively tame local trails over the past couple of months, and had planned on spending the summer working up to trails like the steep ‘Stairway to Heaven’ in northern New Jersey, with the ultimate goal of hitting Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire this fall.

But.

The stubborn Taurus in me had other plans. “Did the 6+ mile loop again today,” I told my first husband, Peppermeister, on Saturday. “Doing 10 tomorrow.”

Then I picked this trail:

Then I drove an hour there. I was ready and rarin’ to go.

6 Things You Need to Know Before Taking Up Hiking

1. Just because a sign seems to promise bears, this does not mean you’ll finally carry out that long awaited convo with the Shakespearean meme bear.

2. Hiking Guide Books ‘under’ embellish.

3. By mile 7, you will not look like someone from an LL Bean catalog. Even though everyone else you encounter, inevitably, won’t have broken a sweat.

4. In New Jersey, you can run, but you can’t hide. From cicadas.

5. Some Most times, you’ll see some cool ass shiz.

Hike-14-summit

6. You will have every right to come home and do nothing but act superior, drink champagne and eat all of it. Just… all of it.

Is there a sport / activity you think is borderline insane, but you love it anyway? Or one that, no matter what, you’d never be caught dead doing?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 95 Comments

Posted in New Jersey is breathtaking, PSAs, Uncategorized

Tagged Delaware Water Gap, hiking, humor, Mount Tammany

You’re Not Going to Believe This Shiz.

Posted on June 6, 2013 | 88 Comments

Something happened recently, Chipmunks. Something so mind-frenchingly miraculous, only a moving picture show could capture it:

~*~*~*~*~*~

You ~~heard~~ saw right.

A man named Chip Monck is following my blog!

This is not a joke. Nay. This is the best thing to ever happen to me, apart from discovering chocolate-covered bacon:

So let’s all give a warm welcome to Chip Monck at MANagING maNIA!

As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve found a new bloggy soul mate! Dawn at Fit to Teach! Look what she just emailed me:

I told her I need to get married all over again. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses.

I told her I need to get married all over again in order to include ‘stache glasses. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses.

Lastly, some shout-outs to my video blog accessories crew:

Chipmunk puppet: My dear mom, Babs
‘Stache necklace: She’s a Maineiac‘s daughter, Miss J
Heart pin: Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings
‘Stache glasses: Rachel’s Table
Creepy pink Voo Doo Doughnuts beer: The Byronic Man
Flowers: My awesome neighbor, Jeff‘s equally awesome girlfriend, Kristen

Do you have any questions for a man called Chip Monck? I have a thousand. Any favorite people or blog names?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 88 Comments

Posted in Blogging, Chipmunks Forever, Vlogalicious

Tagged Chip Monck, Fit to Teach, Managing Mania

I Got “Spanked!” With My Mom

Posted on June 4, 2013 | 61 Comments

Once upon a time, my mom, Babs, sent this email to my sister and me (click to enlarge):

Click to enlarge.

After you get over Babs’ adorable italics, you’re probably feeling appalled. Or at the very least, wary. But that’s a perfectly good waste of emotional energy. You should consider saving your disgust for things like global warming. Or cicadas.

Cicadas in NJ. Even grosser than that one scene in 50 Shades. You know the one I'm talking about.

Cicadas in NJ. Right. Now. Even grosser than that one scene in 50 Shades. You know the one I’m talking about.

Oh yes. I’ve read 50 Shades of Grey, and the only thing I’m ashamed of is not making it through more than half of the trilogy before growing tired of Christian and Ana’s antics (or, rather, the author using ten words when only one was needed [usually "Ouch!"]).

In other words, I was totally game for ~~the blogging potential~~ Spank!

If you think a 50 Shades of Grey theatrical parody might go over well with the more, ah, age-advanced female crowd, you’re right. It was part musical, part striptease, part insanely impressive revenue-generator, thanks to the 50 ~~Shades~~ year old contingent.

Babs. A woman so nice, they named her in, um, italics.

There were only 3 cast members (to which I attribute much of its money-making potential): The author and the male and female leads. The author stood in as a couple of other characters, but mostly narrated the play as the dramatically under-sexed E.L. James.

The actor playing Christian was an understudy with vocal and guitar chops that only his abs could rival. Babs and my sister weren’t as impressed with the actress playing Ana, but I think they’re being unfair. A character so complex and riveting, well, even Meryl Streep would have struggled.

What is the meaning of this “no”?

They had some audience interaction, wine with straws, and, all in all, a pretty funny script.

The only fail of the night was when my sister and I heard the word, “No.” We desperately wanted a picture with the woman selling t-shirts, because her shirt was one-of-a-kind, and also because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you chipmunks. She politely declined, embarrassed.

So I thought I’d recreate the t-shirt here. You’re welcome.

Do you have a favorite play? Anything you want to get off your chest? Like how many times you’ve really read 50 Shades?

~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 61 Comments

Posted in humor, Just For Fun

Tagged 50 Shades of Grey, Spank! the musical

Susie Strong

Posted on May 31, 2013 | 48 Comments

***Thanks to the efforts of brickhousechick from swimmingtomy50s (impressive enough to make my project manager heart swoon!), a band of bloggers has gathered together in support of our friend Susie Lindau, who is undergoing a double mastectomy today at 9:30am MDT. This post is for her.***

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 48 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

You Might As Well Start Hating Me Now

Posted on May 29, 2013 | 86 Comments

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I suppose it was inevitable.

It’s Rachel’s Table‘s fault, really. At least, she’s the one who pointed it out. I never liked her.

Let me back up.

Last Friday, my good bloggy bud, Rache, and I (and our indulgent husbands) met up in Lambertville, New Jersey, under the guise of supporting a favorite local brewery, River Horse.

They had to come up with a summer ale after we drank the winter stash last November.

We had a blast, the true implications of the night yet to dawn on me. Two days later, Rache broke the news. I reacted accordingly.

That’s right. Rache accused me of being a… a… hipster.

I needed time to process this, starting with the above image from Friday night. Sepia, Instagram-esque photo filter. Eep. Then the setting: A no fuss, no muss local brewery with exposed brick and tacky fluorescent lighting. Double eep. Lastly, there was how we ended the night – in an old school bar. Eeps to infinity. As Rache put it, we weren’t even trying to be ironic. Yet it was all so… so… authentically inauthentic. Winking.

This was a grave matter indeed; I had to do some research. While the rest of you grilled animal flesh and donned red, white and blue in celebration of Memorial Day, I looked up over a dozen definitions of hipster, and read several articles (including this gem from the New York Times, How I Became a Hipster).

If I knew exactly what I was up against, maybe I could stop this tempeh and hemp-powered train from heading straight to Brooklyn. Or worse, Portland.

I read the articles closely.

It was bad. I, along with my hipster brethren, abbreviated words like ridiculous and totally. We watched HBO’s Girls. We drank sazeracs. We obsessed over indie music, local food and sustainable energy.

So why was being a hipster rocking my mustachioed world? For starters, I like plenty of mainstream crap. Oh no. I just called it crap. Well, never mind, forget that one. Also? I’m well scrubbed, don’t look good in plaid, and wool makes me break out.

Perhaps most telling, I’ve never said, “I was into ____ before they got big.” (I’ve thought it, though. A lot. And maybe said it ironically, once or twice. …Shoot.)

There is one catch to my seemingly inevitable slide into skinny jeans, rooftop gardening and fixed-gear bicycle riding: I awkwardly, laboriously and spectacularly try and fail to be cool. There is no pretending otherwise. I want to be cool. I want everyone to like me (even hipsters). I do care, and I don’t hide it.

So for now you’ll find me rocking my facial hair the only way I know how. ~~Smugly.~~ ~~Hilariously.~~ Genuinely.

First hub, Peppermeister, on the other hand…

What does being a hipster mean to you? (For some wildly funny breakdowns on hipsterdom, check out this page on Cracked.com. Toldja I did my research.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 86 Comments

Posted in humor, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, PSAs

Tagged hipster, Rachel's Table, River Horse

Still Blonde Over Here.

Posted on May 23, 2013 | 74 Comments

I thought glasses made you look smarter…

I’ve never really understood dumb blonde jokes.

Hey! Why are you laughing?

Okay, fine. There was that time I played a trivia game with friends and thought Interpol was only the name of a band, not the International Criminal Police Organization.

Oh, Julie? You’ve heard of it?

And that time I got Joshua Jackson’s autograph and told him how to spell Julie.

And that time I brought a baby shower gift to a wedding shower.

Who wouldn’t hire me?

And maybe something similar happened this week.

You might recall I recently started a new position at my company (Big Pharma, Inc.), developing training. I’m pretty sure my dog, Uncle Jesse, got me the job – he was part of the Sudoku lesson I had to put together during the intense interview process.

My new group is creative, fun and hilarious. I’m finally among colleagues who appreciate my memes!

This team of 13 celebrates everything. On my first day in the new office, it was No Diet Monday, and my manager brought cheesecake for breakfast. She decorated my new cubicle, too. “I think I’m gonna like it here,” I thought.

For the past two weeks, they’ve been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for two of the women in the group. A difficult task, since people work from home a lot.

The first Monday, I made cookies. The birthday girls didn’t show. This Monday, I made tortilla roll-ups, and one woman didn’t show.

“Well, as long as Laura comes in, we’ll still have the party,” everyone kept saying.

Later that morning, I popped my head next door to say hi to my cool, spirited cubicle neighbor. We’d only spoken a couple of times, but had bonded right away.

“Hi! Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?” she had blurted when she’d first shook my hand.

I had blinked back my surprise and laughed, dying to know where this conversation would go. She had had a point, eventually.

That Monday morning, I repeated the refrain of the day, ”As long as Laura shows up, we’re still having the birthday party!”

She smiled and said, “Okay!” and we started talking about wine. Because of course.

At noon, we all hid in a nearby conference room and set up the food. In walked my cubicle neighbor, and everyone clapped and sang “Happy Birthday.”

I sang along merrily.

“Do you know what you said to me this morning?” the birthday girl asked loudly. I was sure she was going to regale the group with some amusing tidbit I’d dropped, letting all of my new coworkers see how charming and funny I could be, even unawares.

“No,” I replied, grinning.

“You said, ‘As long as Laura shows up, we’ll still have the party’! I thought you didn’t know who I was!”

Yes. That’s right. I told Laura we’d still have the party as long as Laura showed up. Then I sang “Happy Birthday” to Laura, forgetting I’d talked to Laura at all.

Sigh.

I distracted my colleagues with stories of Uncle Jesse and the beautiful chickens down the road. Later that day, Laura sent a thank you e-mail to everyone. I replied with this:

Dear Whoever You Are:

Sincerely,

Uncle Jesse’s caretaker

Any embarrassing work stories to share? Blonde moments?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 74 Comments

Posted in Blonde Moments

Tagged embarrassing moments, humor, Joshua Jackson

Get A Clue!

Posted on May 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

Thoughtsy and Go Jules Go

One of my adorable and hilarious bloggy friends, Thoughtsy of Thoughts Appear, propositioned me recently.

No, she didn’t offer to share her prized Pop-Tarts (but she did give me animated ‘stache glasses and flavored vodka when we met last summer at the BlogHer ’12 conference).

I mean come on. Amazeballs.

She offered me a guest post spot on her blog, for one of her regular fun features: Movies Teach Us!

After Thoughtsy took a slushie in the face as an act of solidarity, I could hardly refuse.

Can you guess what movie I picked?

I know his 'stache was legendary, Josh, but for the love of God (ha ha, get it?), put down the Nietzsche and focus on your chin pubes.

I know his ‘stache was legendary, Josh, but for the love of God, put down the Nietzsche (ha ha, get it? “Love of God”? Nietzsche?) and focus on your own chin pubes.

Click here to read it!

See ya over there!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Posted in Blogging, Movies are Magical

Tagged BlogHer, Thoughts Appear

“Don’t Lick the Minivan” Giveaway Winner!

Posted on May 20, 2013 | 40 Comments

Last Sunday, Mother’s Day, I was toiling away at Babs’ house, helping her with a garage sale. She’d decided to use the day as an opportunity to enslave all three of her children.

Note Babs’ halo. This will become relevant in a moment.

Aside from the joys of ~~sweating and haggling~~ spending time with my darling mother, I got to giggle at your incoming comment submissions for the “Don’t Lick the Minivan” book giveaway.

I asked you to share a favorite ‘Mom quote’ – either something you’ve said as a mother that you never thought you would, or something your own mother said that you never forgot. Most of you chose the latter. They were all spectacular. Thank you!

Before I announce the winner, though, I thought I’d tell you about my favorite Mom bomb…

Growing up, my parents enjoyed their evening cocktails…

…but Babs always likened drugs and smoking to the worst kind of criminal act. I’d have been better off robbing a bank than sneaking a cigarette.

“I never did drugs,” she told us, time and time again, as we watched our favorite childhood stars get busted for their evil indulgences. “And smoking is the most foul, disgusting habit in the world. Your breath smells and your teeth rot and if you ever take up smoking, well…” She couldn’t even finish that sentence.

Years passed and her three children grew up. What went on behind Pearl Jam poster-covered dorm room doors was a mystery, as far as Babs was concerned.

In my early 20s, thinking maybe the playing field had leveled, I decided to probe.

“So you’re telling me you grew up in the 60s, and you NEVER smoked pot?”

I was sure I knew what was coming. Sweet, innocent Babs paused and then said,

“Oh. Well. Pot’s not a drug.”

I knew it, Babs. I always knew it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And the winner of “Don’t Lick the Minivan” is…

Hiddeninsight from Persuaded2Go!

Hiddeninsight’s entry:

I was taking my friend’s 6-year old son out for a walk a few weeks ago to give her a break (leaving her with the other three…shall I explain why? I think not.)

This is our conversation within the first two minutes.

He pulls a tiny grey stick sword out of his pocket and “lights it” with a red piece of lego. “I don’t normally smoke in front of people…” he says, exhaling long and slow.

Because I’m way cooler than him, I replied. “Oh. I see. Wait a minute…I’m a person!”

He thinks. He inhales another drag on the tiny sword and says, “No you’re not, you’re a woman!”

And that. right. there. is why he quit smoking his toys…giving up the habit in record time.

Happy Mother’s Day (if you’re a real person, that is!)

Congratulations, Hiddeninsight! You slayed me with this one. I’ll be in touch via email!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

→ 40 Comments

Posted in Family Ties, Giveaway Junkie

Tagged Don't Lick the Minivan, hiddeninsight, Leanne Shirtliffe, mothers, persuaded2go

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Go Jules Go

Who Wants To Be A Studio Audience Member?

“I Do”-Wop

6 Things You Need To Know Before Taking Up Hiking

6 Things You Need to Know Before Taking Up Hiking

1. Just because a sign seems to promise bears, this does not mean you’ll finally carry out that long awaited convo with the Shakespearean meme bear.

2. Hiking Guide Books ‘under’ embellish.

3. By mile 7, you will not look like someone from an LL Bean catalog. Even though everyone else you encounter, inevitably, won’t have broken a sweat.

4. In New Jersey, you can run, but you can’t hide. From cicadas.

5. Some Most times, you’ll see some cool ass shiz.

6. You will have every right to come home and do nothing but act superior, drink champagne and eat all of it. Just… all of it.

You’re Not Going to Believe This Shiz.

I Got “Spanked!” With My Mom

Susie Strong

You Might As Well Start Hating Me Now

Still Blonde Over Here.

Get A Clue!

Click here to read it!

“Don’t Lick the Minivan” Giveaway Winner!

“Oh. Well. Pot’s not a drug.”

And the winner of “Don’t Lick the Minivan” is…

Hiddeninsight from Persuaded2Go!

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