Booze, Lists

The #1 Reason I Own A Monogrammed Flask…And It’s All Your Fault

The Good Greatsby‘s post about children’s birthday parties inspired me to write this latest post about my favorite possession, my monogrammed flask. I’m sure you can understand the thought progression [from ‘crying, screaming, cake-smeared child’ to ‘clandestine alcohol consumption’], so I won’t bore you with the obvious.

Kept in its original box when not in use.

As you can see, it’s a first-rate flask, its single flaw being that it is much too small. It was given to me by perhaps the only person in this world who really gets me, the lovely woman who for three years I was fortunate enough to call my Work Wife (sadly, she has moved on to greener pastures, and I find I need the flask just that much more). I dedicate this post to her, and all the things we share in common (including, but not limited to, a deep understanding and appreciation of Michael Bublé lyrics and

I’d like to say that that leads nicely into the #1 reason I need a flask: Work. But, I should be clear in that I’ve yet to find the nerve to bring a flask to work, and somehow just barely manage to make it through the front door each week day before letting my Grey Goose loose.

No, remarkably, it’s not work.

The #1 Reason I Own a Monogrammed Flask is:

Your Showers (Baby or Bridal and dear god don’t tell me there’s any other kind).

I don’t even know where to start, but I do know the rest of this post is going to write itself.

If I have to play Bridal Bingo or see an infant clothesline one more time, I’m going Into the Wild. Women Lose. Their. Minds. at these things. The little prizes from the dollar store might as well be Robert Pattinson‘s used napkin. It’s like being in Oprah‘s audience, except the most any of us are going home with is a hydrangea-scented memo pad (and, in my case, a migraine).

Don’t even get me started on those women who write recite a touching poem that no one can hear over the continuous cries of alleged Bingo, or the ones who are utterly convinced that they’re the first person in the world to think of melting chocolate in a diaper. And if you’re one of the women who encourages these other types (“Oh, Betsy, you are SO creative!”), you’re on my Poop List, too.

The worst is when I’m put at a table full of strangers whose fanatical expressions remind me that there is absolutely no chance of finding a like-minded soul at this shindig, and also that I must be evil (and may in fact not even have a soul, despite my willingness to wear pastel and a convincing grin), because look at how much fun everyone else is genuinely having. My only saving grace is that I’m sitting close enough to the restroom to make a quick getaway (or seven). Bottoms up, you delusional tulle junkies.

Games and poetry of any kind were banned from my bridal shower, but I still lose sleep at night thinking about how I put those nearest and dearest to me through this cursed ordeal.

It is unforgivable, but at least we’re even now.

66 thoughts on “The #1 Reason I Own A Monogrammed Flask…And It’s All Your Fault”

  1. Hahaha! I actually did meet a like-minded soul at a baby shower last year, and she had a flask in her purse which she generously shared with me.

    I don’t understand why booze isn’t automatically provided at all of these types of functions– pretty poor hostessing, if you ask me.

    My own flask is much larger than yours, but less elegant (the inscription says “Hot Mess”). Your friend must think more highly of you than mine does of me.

    1. Oh, bless you!! -Sometimes I feel like I’m so alone. Thanks so much for reading (and commenting)! I need to get the name of your friend’s flask store.

  2. Your bridal shower was a class act; no flasks necessary! But thanks for all the ideas if you ever need a baby shower…

    1. Thanks! Although I’m fairly certain that a girl carrying a flask is considered an alcoholic too, I don’t let people’s sober judgment stand in the way of what just might be my favorite vice (said by the girl who has all of them).

  3. I’ve been tempted to buy a flask, too. And even more tempted to bring said flask to work. Alas, I’m between jobs now, so if I do buy a flask it’s just feeding my inner alcoholic.

    I can live with that, though…

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