I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.
The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:
You are the controller of your destiny.
…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?
But then this fortune happened:
Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.
Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.
I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:
You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.
All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?
Someone help me. Please.
So. Who’s out to get you?
Go Jules Go 
You’ll just have to hire someone!
That’s the best fortune cookie fortune I’ve ever seen. I’m still laughing.
It really is the perfect fortune. Too perfect. …I’m going to get to the bottom of this.
I agree, too perfect
I have a friend whose child got a fortune cookie which said, “Come back later. The fortune cookie is sleeping. What? Even fortune cookies have to sleep sometime.”
I’m not sure how long she let her child keep going back to check before she clued them in . . .
I don’t remember getting such sassy cookies when I was a kid. Do you think someone in the fortune cookie factory is on the verge of mutiny?
Ha! Jenn, that is priceless. I think they’re getting sloshed over at the cookie factory, that’s what I think.
That, my friend, is a very sound hypothesis.
Hmmm, methinks you have a stalker. I stalker who works as a writer for fotune cookies.
Silence is a virtual. Love that one!
If I were a stalker, it’s the approach I would take…
hahaha!
🙂
Hmm why do all my fortune cookies say, “Psst Brother she’s going to cheat on your white cracker ass?” I looked I am Canadian, I’m sposed to be white!
Bwahaha Oh boy, maybe my fortune wasn’t so bad??
Glad I could make your day sounds like you really needed it. Keep up the good work. Love your blog!
I’m glad you received my custom fortune cookies. It took many years of traing to get them just right Danielson. Enjoy!
Darn you, Anonymous!!!
It’s Daniel-san
Thank you, whatidesiredtosay1. Anal-retentive correctors-of-others-in-public like you and me have to stick together. 🙂
You ever wonder who actually gets paid to write these things? Maybe we can pick up another gig lol. Your facial expressions are hilarious!! And someone is out to get me every day lol.
I would LOVE that. I would probably even do it for free!
Thanks very much – you should have seen the outtakes… LOL!
where did you get those? The Wok of Guilt Restaurant?????
Close! Panda Depressed.
LOL! That’s the one!!
haha, this one’s a gem!
I don’t think anyone’s out to get me, but this post–specifically, your expressions in these photos–got my funny bone!
heh I’m very happy to hear that! That last fortune really made me howl. It’s perfect in every way.
I wouldn’t worry, Jules. Many years ago, I received a box of fortune cookies for my birthday. Every single one of them said, “You will excel in competitive sports.” I was really excited because I’m kind of a klutz. In spite of thier revelation, I’m still no athelete and I’m beginning to think that the people who write these fortunes don’t have any psychic abilities at all.
hahaha are you serious? That’s incredible!! Now I know what to get for Peppermeister (except they’ll all say, “Buy your wife diamonds”).
Good plan! (I’m lucky that my birthstone is the diamond!) Totally off subject, but the Gypsy wedding episode filmed in the town close to mine is on April 27th. The commercial showed the courthouse that my husband and I got married in!!
Some of those are really confusing.
I don’t eat the cookies either.
You’re telling me! And I DEFINITELY couldn’t eat these, or they’d come true.
Oh, this was the perfect post for me to see this morning. Your pictures are priceless. Thank you for the laughs, oh Wise One.
You are so welcome, Darla! (Psst. Do you know what I’m suposed to be making? You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone it was you.)
Wow, I wake up this morning and see you all Freshly Pressed!! Congrats, Jules!
What?? Shut the front door! Well, if we can’t all hit the front page with a diabolical plot to take over the world, I’m glad at least one did. Way to go Jules!!!
Peg and Darla – shhh, it’s all part of the master plan…. 😉
Driving across 3 counties AM then PM, I’ve been convinced since age 11 (when I started driving on the hwy, not just the ranch–I never need to make things up cos my life is THIS weird) that MOTORISTS are out to get me.
#1 thing I’d get if rich? A chauffeur. I like the neckline of your blouse and that’s not a lesbian compliment. It’s a girlie, “Oh! Clothes!” comment. If I *were* a lesbian, you’d probably have received a compliment like, “MamaCITA! I like the neckline on that blouse, if you know what I mean.”
I am so with you, madtante! Chauffeur fer sure. (That is so fun to say. Try it. I’ll wait.) Motorists in Jersey are definitely out to get everyone…and we’re not even allowed to drive ’til we’re 17!
My blouse and I thank ya kindly! 🙂
Where the heck did you get these? Good grief, I’ve never seen such bad ones. I thought a bad day for me is when I open the cookie and it’s empty! I have to say, though, I love the cookies. As long as they are not stale.
That’s another cookie interpretation of virtual (reality?). Scan the cookie and find your fortune online. Ha!
Ha! I love it! Thanks so much for stopping in 🙂
No problem! I’m a Filipina exchange student in NYC, and the dining hall lady feels obliged to hand me one every. single. time. She must think I’m Chinese. Too much effort to correct her, love her anyway.
LOL! That is fantastic, and I hope you’re enjoying NYC! If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask (I went to college in NYC)! 🙂
Wow. My academic year is actually almost up, so I’m preparing to go back home. I’m a Barnard girl. How about you?
Yeah, where’d you get those? The fortunes are big enough to cover your whole forehead like big, confusing, fortune-telling headbands. The cookies must have been the size of basketballs!
Peg, Cooper had some really good suggestions below on where I got these cookies… LOL!
Peppermeister kept asking me why these pictures looked so weird. I had to play with the photo resolution/settings to make the fortunes clear enough to read! AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN VANITY. You’re welcome. 😉
Just checking in to make sure you’re ok. Staying hydrated? Doing stretches to prevent Komment Kramp? Keeping up your strength with chocolaty snacks?
Does beer count?
Well, I would have expected champagne, but beer works.
Jeez, Louise, I had to click on “older comments” just to get back up here – it’s practically like having to climb a mountain of comments to reach the Dahli Llama of sideponies!
Your facial expressions are priceless. Thanks for the laugh!
Hi again, Rian! Thanks so much – these fortunes really got me. I mean, seriously. THEY’RE OUT TO GET ME. 😉
Those are great. It would appear that someone is out ot get you, or at least drive you nuts.
After I eat Chinese food, I should get one that says “You will swell up like a blimp and possibly get a migraine…” Ugh.
Do you know how many things still have MSG in them? Beware Goya and Jimmy Dean.
Best fortunes ever. In a dark humour kind of way.
My Chinese Food one should say: “You will crave a Slurpee in one hour.” I don’t even like Slurpees, but I do crave them after my yearly dose of MSG.
Fab pics, J!
They really were. Thanks, Leanne! BTW I am finally getting my act together and have your slap bracelets ready to mail at lunchtime today! Woooot! Maybe they will be the new MSG hangover cure?
…in bed.
Somehow that makes me feel better about the last one. 😉
Hilarious. I am so glad I’ve never had a fortune cookie like that.
Yes, I think I took one for the WordPress team. 😉 Thanks so much for stopping by, mizrhi!
I feel that it is important to choreograph just the right dance for being freshly pressed. As I will likely never experience it myself I have begun working on one for you.
Also, where do you get chinese food? Those are some epic fortunes… may yours be as well.
I will tell you where to get all of the weirdest fortunes, I mean, best Chinese food…just as soon as I see that dance… 😉
hahaha! nice idea!
Thanks so much, Iya!
There’s nothing as deep and contextual as fake Chinese proverbs. Probably because some schlub in Schenectady is writing these and not in Kowloon.
LOL! Something tells me, based on your name alone, that you’d come up with some fortune cookie winners! “Iguana Rule The World” – fantastic!
Freshly pressed! Yay, Jules!
Thank you so much, Rian! What a blast! 🙂
Love love loved this! Although, if you want to Air seal those cookie parts and mail them my way, I will gladely accept 😉
Wow – thank you so much! A nice compliment AND a willingness to take my cookie crumbs?? Awesome! (But will the dinosaur try to eat them, too? ;))
There is a high possibility… the Damn thing eats my crayons every time I get them… >.< I never get to have any fun coloring 😦
Best I ever saw was ‘man who cooks meat and pees in same pot, very unhygienic fellow”.
Cheers for making me laugh (and look a little crazy doing so in public).
Andrew – this post was officially worth writing just to hear all of the other INCREDIBLE fortunes people have gotten. That one is amazing. Thank YOU for making ME laugh! -Jules
P.S. – I can’t believe so many people are seeing these pictures now, hahaha At least I wasn’t wearing my wrinkled “Dawson’s Creek” t-shirt. 😉
Hilariously wonderful and weird fortunes! Those kind are my favourite.
This odd thing occurs for me… I get multiple fortunes in one ‘cookie’… it’s happened not just once, but many times. Once I had FOUR! Crazy. My favourite fortune: “You have got a way with words. Maximize on it.” I’m not one to put my trust in fortune, but as a writer… those words make my heart sing.
Lovely post. I appreciate the photos and your humour.
Hi Kelly! Thank you so much for stopping by and your kind words! I’ve definitely hung onto a meaningful fortune or two myself. And I didn’t even think to mention the ‘multiple fortune’ phenomenon here. That can be unsettling, too!
lol =-)
🙂 back at’cha, montanasouthernbelle! Thanks for coming by!
your welcome!
This is great! I’ve had one say, “Warning. Do not eat fortune.”
hahahaha Oh, Andrew! That is SO GREAT!!!
You DO know that they write random fortunes and put them in random ‘cookies’, right? Its just luck you got really random fortunes.
I hope they never, ever stop writing disconcerting fortunes. And I hope they’ll hire me to write some someday. 😉
I once had one that said “This is the saddest day of your life”, when i was going out with my boyfriend for the first time.. That was the BEST day of my life, not the saddest LOL
hahaha Kaylina.Kata, that one is pretty messed up! These people are evil genuises.
FANTASTIC. It made me laugh. This also reminded me of the little sayings on the Yogi Teas….which can just drive a person insane. Perhaps I should just stick with good old coffee.
Thank you so much, Ms. Teacher (love your blog name)! I agree, we might be safer with coffee. Even those Nantucket Nectar lids can be risky. 😉
Nice tips for life. Really love your cute expressions.
Why am I posting this comment at 3:12 AM? Because I had to go get Chinese food and guess what – I did swell up like a blimp and now I have a migraine. It’s all your fault…
LOL You could try a Slurpee, Katy, like Leanne (Shirtliffe)! Just don’t ask your husband to throw it in your face.
Love this. I once got a fortune with my dinner that said, “You will be buying new shoes.” I was like what does this mean? Where am I going that I need new shoes? What kind of shoes? What kind of fortune is this?!
Congrats on FP!
Oooh, do you think there are secret parnetships going on between shoe stores and the fortune cookie elves? …And the plot thickens!!
Thank you so much! 🙂
Worst (or most insulting) fortune I ever got from a fortune non-cookie: “Look deeply within to root out negative attitudes.” I called the waitress over to let her know they accidently gave me my ex-husband’s non-cookie by mistake. She told me to shut up or I would get an ambiguously worrisome fortune (like yours!) next time. Haha 🙂 Very cute post!
hahaha Tia, that is the BEST RESPONSE EVER!!
Thank you so much 🙂
So relatable 🙂
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Really best fortunes ever,specifically, your expressions in these photos–got my funny dear.Excellent work.
Thank you so much – I really appreciate it!
I must say Im not the one for fortune cookies.
They definitely aren’t the most tasty thing around, Duas! And THEN on top of that they make you lose sleep at night 😉
I never go for fortune cookies and probably that is why I have never experienced mis-fortune cookies. I only had to deal with my browsers’ cookies.
haha Nice! I’m thinking I should maybe lay off the fortune cookies for a while, too… Thanks so much for stopping by, Lotto 🙂
Eeeeeek !!! Seems like fortune cookies have gone through a revolution since the last time I cracked one open , that was probably a decade ago but these were gold 😀 silence is virtual heheh
Come to think of it , here in Aus we don’t even get given fortune cookies maybe they just did some market research and realised our lives are crap anyway why bother wasting fortune cookies when they won’t tell us anything we don’t know – in which case , silence is virtual indeed : P
Great post !
Thanks so much, mumchic! I definitely think you guys are better off! Look what they’re doing to me! LOL
HAHAHA.
I began reading this blog thinking – these faces? What is this, myspace? But i barely got halfway before I was grinning 😛
Ha! AnzieRose, that’s hilarious! I’m so glad you had faith enough to keep reading (although I really can’t believe everyone is seeing these ridiculous pictures)! Thank you so much 🙂
Its well worth the humiliation! Its a great blog, i’ll certainly be giving your blog a good stalk now and then 🙂
they’re watching you…
Gahhhh They are, aren’t they?!
You don’t eat the fortune cookies? WHY? I like them. They kind of taste like nothing, but a nice starchy nothing.
Well, in situations like these, I feel I CAN’T eat them because then the fortunes will come true! Sound logic, no? 😉
Oh, that actually makes good sense…
Congats on FP, sorry taken me ages to check out your blog properly, seen you around my other fave blogs so have some catching up to do!
Thank you so much, Joe, and likewise!! 🙂
P.S. – It probably goes without saying, but I LOVE your gravatar.
Really i like you are expression to the command
Great blog, but I’d be hopping on the first plane out of the country to somewhere low key for a while…say Iceland.
Glad I found your blog 🙂
Iceland’s pretty pricey.
Thank you so much, Ryan! 🙂 If I can’t swing Iceland…do you think they would find me in Hershey, PA?
The best part about this post was your pictures. Great expressions and the cookies are outrageous. 🙂
Thank you so much! It took almost 30 years [of acting like a goofball] to perfect those faces 😉
Oh no… I usually never get misfortune cookies. Their message is a lucky one.
Did you ever wonder if you can ever get a cookie, which says something like “next week you will get a misfortune cookie…” 😀
Oh, gosh. If I got a cookie like that right now, I don’t think I could handle it!! 🙂