I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.
The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:
You are the controller of your destiny.
…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?
But then this fortune happened:
Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.
Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.
I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:
You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.
All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?
Someone help me. Please.
So. Who’s out to get you?
Go Jules Go 
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! You so deserve it!! I haven’t been around in a while. I’m taking a break from blogging to try to write some other things. I was so glad to see your face on the FP page today!! Woo-hoo!!!
Thank you SO much, Dory! I’ve missed reading your blog, but I know you are off doing awesomely brave things 🙂
amazing……………………….
Brilliant post–and very, very funny. Congrats on Freshly Pressed.
Hugs,
Kathy
Thank you so much, Kathy, and good to see you! 🙂
i can’t believe there are such messages on fortune cookies.. love the expression on your face and your post is funny. congrats on being FP.
Thank you so much, starlight! Good to see you here!
Those are some utterly wicked fortune cookies, haha!
I really wish I could meet the author of that last one. Even though (s)he’s out to get me, I feel like we might still be best friends.
HAHAHA. Loved it.
http://jolicassoulet.wordpress.com
Thanks so much!
Yeah, excellent post, very funny.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank YOU, lijiujiu!
Oh my god! Thank you for making me giggle before a long work day.
Hi Alison! Thank YOU – comments like this make my day! 🙂
Hilarious – and spooky – post! Great work, you sharply-dressed blogger!
haha The makers of Target clothes and I thank you, Hook! 😉
I opened one once and all it said was “13”. I took it as an omen and bought 13 gumballs the next day. Clearly, the best solution.
Wow. You really did handle that perfectly. Any advice for me?! 🙂
Clearly you are being stalked by the ghost of a Chinese cookie salesman. Only possible option it to buy him large amounts of dough.
This was too clever!!! Well done lady!
Thank you so much, Lovelly, I really appreciate it! 🙂
More than welcome. Thoroughly enjoyed it.
🙂 funny stuff!
internetfavs.com
Grats on being freshly pressed 🙂 This entry was a gem and a great way to start my day. You probably get it already, but the cookie was referring to mistakes–you can’t live long enough to make all of them yourself (so you might as well learn from other’s mistakes). ❤ Hope you have a great day 🙂
Thank you so much! Someone else just commented about the missing word and I can’t stop giggling over the irony (the mistake of leaving off the word ‘mistake’…although I bet they do that on purpose! They’re seriously out to get me. I know it ;)).
Hee, great post! I love fortune cookies.
Over a month ago, when I was entering a phase of depression, I opened a fortune cookie I’d just gotten and found … no fortune inside. It was exactly how I felt at the time, and so tragic that it was almost funny.
I keep a lot of my fortune-cookie-fortunes, including the one that says, “A long-term [or was it long-time?] goal will soon be achieved.” And since I’m getting ready for my first novel to be independently published, that one is actually encouraging!
Oh no, Em! I’ve had that happen, too, and it really IS disheartening! CONGRATULATIONS on your first novel – that is WONDERFUL!! And thank you so much for coming by (and for your kind words :))!
Thanks for the rockin’ howl of a laugh! The last one IS priceless in every way.
Thank YOU for this awesome comment! 🙂
My sister once got a fortune that said- and I quote- “You Love Chinese Food!” she was PISSED! I? Was in hysterics…
Ha! I think her reaction is even more funny than the fortune!
Congrats on Freshly Pressed!! Funny thing–my post today was about fortunes I have had in my wallet from fortune cookies. Coincidence???? Thanks for the laughs today!! Great blog!!!
Thanks again, Beth Ann! So good to ‘meet’ you! 🙂
We have a running joke in our family that I always get the “loser” fortunes. Two of my favorites are “Don’t Panic.” and “Pick Another Fortune Cookie.”
Congrats on being pressed!
LOL! I think they’re getting a little lazy over at the cookie factory…
Thank you so much, Becky!
Love this post!! Years ago I opened a fortune cookie that said, “Get new attitudes, no one likes you.” Niiiice. Mean cookie that was.
:o)
Janet
Thanks so much, Janet! And WOW, the fortunes are going from cyptic to disturbing to just plain rude. It’s kind of impressive, actually. 😉
YES! Freshly Pressed like a side-ponytailed champ!
Thank you so much, Tori! I expect to wake up tomorrow and see everyone in side ponies and slap bracelets. Finally. 😉
OMG – I cannot stop laughing. I am not the only one opening the fortune cookies and seriously starting to get a bit depressed/worried when the little pieces of paper either state something rather obvious in life and pass it off as Confucius wisdom something profound and deep, and/or are so vague that I begin to read into its meaning … lol. Pretty sad when I start looking to a damn cookie for some inspiration in life…. that was a great post and I am still laughing.
PS. Your nails look very nice in the photos – *rabbit trail*.
Hi Erin Elizabeth! This comment really made me smile – my mom said the same thing about the nail polish, because she had just given me new polish for Easter (and that was it)! LOL
Oh, man. I’m so bad. I look for signs in EVERYTHING. Fortune cookies are just the beginning!
Thank you SO much for stopping by, and your sweet compliments – I really appreciate it! 🙂
Crap, that was hysterical, but frightening!
Thank you so much, but I hope I didn’t make anyone else lose sleep at night 😉
Thanks for the laugh! I might avoid fortune cookies now!
haha It is MY pleasure, and I think that might be for the best, Ellie! 😉
looks like someone is going creative on the fortune cookies…just like T-shirts…love love love, all of them!!
I know! I would think these fortune writers would want some credit for these gems, right?! Thank you so much 🙂
Again?!? Congrats!
LOL Thanks, John! I think it’s fair to say it’s twice as nice!
Reading this was a true “laugh out loud” moment for me. Thank you for that, I needed it this morning. You reminded me that my fortune could be as terrible as yours (;
Thank you so much for this fantastic comment! I’m sorry for the delayed response, but I really did love getting this 🙂
LOL! My husband and I hang on to our bizarre fortunes. He once got one that said, “Do not ignore minor detail.” Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Katie. OMG. That is FANTASTIC!!! I hope that one is mounted on the wall like the priceless family heirloom it is destined to become.
The last one is actually just missing the first part of the saying!
“Learn from others’ mistakes. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” No worries. 🙂
So they made a mistake, and forgot the word ‘mistake’? Tee hee hee…this just keeps getting better! 🙂
“You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.”
This isn’t fortune-telling; this is the sad lament of the poor fortune-teller himself, desperately pleading for the release of death to save him from yet another day’s drudgery writing one-liners… 🙂
(btw, your expressions are hilarious; totally made this post!)
LOL! You are so right. Maybe I need to think of the poor schlub on the other side of the cookie!
Thank you so much 🙂
I love this! There is a Chinese restaurant in the town I grew up in that MUST get its fortune cookies from the same supplier where yours originated. Whenever we’ve ordered food from this restaurant, we’ve ended up in utter hysterics over the fortunes. Did you know that they don’t even have fortune cookies in China…and that the cookies themselves may have been based on a recipe for traditional Japanese crackers? I’m fascinated by the whole fortune cookie industry.
Thank you so much, girlnextfloor – I LOVE your blog name! Hilarious! It sounds like you could do an EPIC post on fortune cookies (and it’s one I’d love to read!)! 🙂
Haha, I love fortune cookies you really never know what you’re going to get. My boyfriend got a great one last week that said “You have a nice cake waiting for you” huh?
hahaha I definitely did the ‘Huh?” head tilt on that one, too! That’s great. Thank you so much for swinging by, Carlie! 🙂
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! This made me laugh out loud and make a mediocre morning awesome!
I don’t know about you but I whip myself into a panic when I DON’T get a fortune. I don’t care if it says “Don’t use candles, this is how you’ll burn the house down” or something slightly more optimistic. Am I not even worthy of a fortune when I get a fortuneless cookie? Am I that far gone that there’s nothing left to help me? ARGH.
Thank you so much! This comment made an awesome day even more awesome! 🙂
You are absolutely right. I think there’s nothing more damning than a fortuneless cookie.
Fortune cookies are not so much for taste, but they are part of eating
Asian food out. the author seems to take the fortunes a little
to far. She seems to be obcessing.JFN
Phew, so glad I’m not the only one feeling like these cookies have it out for me. Your photos are worth a million words!
LOL And I didn’t realize how many people got these kinds of disturbing fortunes until this post! Thanks so much, MJ 🙂
Great post – you’re so adorable! Congrats on your FP status too. I’m surprised it didn’t say that in one of those cookies – they’re generally so spot on…
hahaha Thank YOU so much for this fabulous comment! I think my fortune took a turn for the better after this got Freshly Pressed! 🙂
hii..niceblog.. have created our similar blog.do have a look people..its a site to ventout your frustrations about anything in this in this world..it is called hateupdesh.wordpress.co
Reblogged this on hateupdesh.
Oh, you poor thing! XD For a moment, I thought these were the Misfortune Cookies from ThinkGeek…but now I see that they aren’t! x_x;;;
I’m meeting with the 30-something Council tonight. We’re going to be giving you your assignment on your birthday. 😉 (It’ll be wrapped in dark blue, with black string.
)
Hi Lady Tam Li Hua! Thanks so much for the beblog. I’m going to have to check out these ThinkGeek misfortune cookies – they sound amazing!
I am eagerly anticipating the outcome of your Council meeting and will be on the look-out for the dark blue package 😉
Reblogged this on The Lady Expounds and commented:
For the record, ThinkGeek makes actual Misfortune Cookies….but that isn’t what this poor lady is dealing with! (The TG ones are actually quite funny, and tasty; I bought some for Argyle for Christmas. 😀 )
Funny post! Love the photos.
My last fortune cookie prophesy said “You will make your fortune on the following Tuesday”. I was excited for about 5 seconds. Then I realized the rub is that I will never actually make my fortune as long as the world keeps having Tuesdays – since my fortune cannot materialize until “the following Tuesday”!
There’s definitely a snarky fortune teller writer out there! 😉
Congrats on FP – MoSop
Thank you so much, MoSop! And man. They are clever little buggers, those fortune cookie elves, aren’t they?! 😉
OMG, Jules! Freshly Pressed! Congrats, you deserve it!
Thank you so much, Chris!! Can you believe all of these people are seeing these ridiculous pictures?? HA! Well, the word shameless isn’t in my tagline for nothin’…
No worries. The photos are awesome.
Silence is a virtual? So now fortune cookies can’t even get the actualy saying correct? Are they using 3’rd graders to print these things up or what?
I have to agree they’re getting a little sloppy. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Are they serious with “Silence is Virtual”. Isn’t it supposed to be “a Virtue”? Do they have high school drop out’s working at the fortune cookie factory these days?
Hysterical.
Thanks, Shannon! 🙂
Your face in the pictures had me laughing! It sounds like the Chinese tried to put some American proverbs in their cookies and something got lost in translation. I think “You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.” should have started with the word ‘Mistakes’.
Thanks so much, Symanntha, that’s great to hear! 🙂
The fact that the word ‘mistake’ is missing is a level of irony never before achieved. I love it!
I always wanted to convince a resturant to put in a bunch of cookies that all had the fortune, “She’s leaving you Eric, bite her face to prove you’re still a man.”
Sure it would take a while for that to pay off, but when it did…
hahahaha Posky, the fortune cookie industry needs to hire you, like, yesterday.
Chinglish 🙂
I haven’t had ones that bad! Mine are usually random powder puff fortunes. Have you ever hit the lottery with the numbers on the back?
You’re so right, midnitechef! Paul Johnson over at thegoodgreatsby.com (a fellow WordPress blogger) is from NJ, but lives in Shanghai, and he does a hilarious ‘Chinglish’ feature every Sunday.
Since this post was Freshly Pressed, I’m thinking maybe I SHOULD play the lottery with the numbers on the back of that last fortune… 🙂
You’ve missed the huge one (640 million) but you never know….
Awesome Sauce!
Tee hee That is truly a compliment (one of my favorite words)! Thank you! 🙂
hilarious. love the fortunes haha
Thank you so much! They really got me, too! 🙂