I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.
The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:
You are the controller of your destiny.
…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?
But then this fortune happened:
Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.
Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.
I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:
You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.
All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?
Someone help me. Please.
So. Who’s out to get you?
Go Jules Go 
HAha!! I just laughed into my mason jar of water- what a terrible last fortune! I turn thirty this year as well and it’s like coming up to this thick, velvet stage curtain- I can’t go out there! I didn’t read the manual! I forgot to something back at 26! Wait! …hope you find out what it is you’re supposed to be crafting. Maybe it’s small, felt stuffed animals for babies! …i dunno…
http://www.elizabethselena.wordpress.com
best wishes!!
(thirty, flirty, and thriving, right?)
Yes! Exactly! I’m like, “I’m not finished with the stuff I was supposed to do in my 20s! Wait wait waittttt-a-hold-it!”
Making people spit into their drinks is my favorite. Thank you for that 🙂
Oh no problem, haha!
ha ha nice message
I always wonder who writes all of those, and whether they just type something in to a google translator.
I think a little of both! They don’t realize what power they have. (And you know what comes with great power…a stomachache 😉
Haha! So true. I almost think it would be a great business model to create hilarious fortunes- though I am approximately 100% sure someone has already done so.
That is so awesome. I love fortune cookies and I get some pretty weird ones but yours take the cake. Wow, who wrote those things and what were they thinking. “Hey chin, lets make this bunch a blast….” lol
Ha! Exactly. It’s the perfect career for someone who likes to bust chops (and slash dreams)!
Thanks for the laugh – and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank YOU!! 🙂
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
Thank YOU, Kirsty! I couldn’t keep these to myself. 🙂
Haha, my mother would agree vehemently with your
“fortune cookie != cookie” statement. 🙂
I’ve never had any fortunes as strangely-worded as yours, though. That last one, haha.
In my mind, they’re only one step above Peeps. Thanks so much for stopping by, Claudia! 🙂
Very creative. There’s your fortune!
Can you write all of my fortunes from now on??
Absolutely!
This is too completely awesome that you got Freshly Pressed! I’m thinking the coup we staged had something to do with it 😉 You made it! Happy Freshly Pressed to you!
I hate that fortune cookies have went from being actual fortunes to some idiot’s poor attempt at being witty.
P.S. On second thought, I didn’t mean you didn’t make it on Freshly Pressed with your own sparkling wit and nicely written post…just that hopefully our coup helped get you out there in the spotlight.
P.P.S. I don’t overthink things too much. Never.
Angie – you crack me up!! I do suspect this is all part of Peg’s master plan… In fact, I bet she even planted these fortunes. OMG. She is incredible.
The best one I’ve ever gotten is: “Wow! A secret message from your teeth.”
HA! Now THAT wins the prize for Weirdest Fortune. …I love it.
My beautiful wife is on the front page of wordpress, lookin’ fresh!
Who are you?
Those are hilarious! I got one the other day that said “Ask your mom”.
HA! That is SUCH a great fortune, Erin!!
Adorable post – but I just turned 31 last month and I have no idea what you are talking about, I feel younger now than I did when I was 17, I think you are on your own there 😉 I guess it’s true what they say about age just being a number and only being as old as you feel! I know people who are in their mid 20’s who feel ancient and others who are in their 90’s and still help out with the volunteer income tax program, deliver meals on wheels and live in their own houses so I mean really! Those fortune cookies were funny – but your reactions to them were priceless 😉
Thank you so much, and this is all great to hear. There is hope for me yet!!! Good thing, because I’d have nothing left to write about if I couldn’t write about Glee and side ponies and animal crackers 😉
Mmm animal crackers! Yes 😉 tons of hope!
Too funny!
Btw, I am 30 going on 31, in a few months, there is no secret! If anything, I too feel younger, yet wiser, than I did in my 20’s. Good luck and enjoy being part of the 30’s club!!!
-CAT
Yay Cat! Do I get to learn the secret handshake [when I turn 30]?
So funny! Those are the worst fortunes I have ever seen!
Thanks so much for adding me to your blogroll and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Hi Susie! Thank you and so good to see you! I just updated my blog and blogroll earlier this week, and I’m so glad I did! Maybe my fortune isn’t so crappy after all… 😉
I got a hit from your blogroll today! Thank you!
Aren’t the views amazing???? Enjoy the fun. Your fortune cookie didn’t predict this! 🙂
“You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself” would also leave me feeling a little uneasy… unless of course it refers to Mistakes! If so, it is in fact a happy fortune cookie!
here’s hoping
The consensus seems to be that they did leave off the word mistake (ha! Priceless!), but that too leaves me feeling uneasy… 😉
never buy a crap about fortune cookies haha!
That IS what they should say, ha!
Love it! My favorite fortunes were:
“You will be a lawyer” – wow that’s specific
and
“You will eat more Chinese food.” How did Confucius know I had leftovers?
Thanks, Tracy! Those are both great. I bet some people who get the first one think it’s their parents’ doing, LOL
This made me smile 🙂
Fabulous! My work here is done 😉
At thirty you will be a creative writer who sells her books to Stephen Spielberg for production.
Oh my. I think I will bake a fortune cookie myself, just to be able to open this fortune!
Go for it!
My word, these are beautiful.
LOL They do have a certain magic to them.
I wish I could say I’ve gotten ridiculous fortune cookies like this.
Also, have you ever had a good fortune cookie? Like one that actually tastes good? I don’t think they exist, honestly.
This made me laugh out loud, it was so funny! I am definitely going to follow your blog. You’re hilarious!
Do you, as a squirrel, get along with chipmunks? I hope so, because I think we’re going to have a blast!! 🙂
The inhabitants of Chipmunkdom and I had a bit of a falling out over a winter’s stockpile of acorns and who it belonged to. Hopefully we can reconcile, call it water under the bridge, and they will allow me to follow along with your stories. If not, well, we’ll just see who’s got the better nut-hiding skills.
Reblogged this on 8BIT.
Awesome – thanks so much, John!
This is such a nice post. I love the accompanying photos! It definitely lifted my spirits 🙂
That is wonderful to hear, serahjanine – thank you so much!
Reblogged this on doweamina.
Thanks so much, A’mina!
Funny XD I’ve never experienced this cause the Chinese shops don’t supply fortune cookies…
In fact, I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a fortune cookie in Malaysia… ._.
I REALLY think that’s for the best 😉
I once got a fortune cookie that said, you know what you did, UM WHAT is this I know what you did last summer?!?!?! Too funny congrats on freshly pressed!!!
haha! Alex, that one is GREAT! You know they figure they’re bound to get someone eventually. Thank you so much! 🙂
That is the funniest thing. I turned 20 recently. Make 30 the new 20!
I’ve also thought the the new fortune cookies weren’t fortunes anymore. They are now suddenly started masquerading as meaningful life coaching tools.
I meant I turned 30 recently.
Boy was I glad to see this correction, Brooke! Ha, I felt ancient for a minute!
I totally agree. The fortune cookie elves need to return to their roots.
LOL SO TRUE … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt3lgiERG58 WATCH THIS CLIP ABOUT COOKIES X
I love these! Here’s the best fortune cookie I’ve ever received.
That’s okay – I once got a fortune cookie that said something about a long-distance relationship. Since I was “talking” to a guy who lived across the country at the time, I took that as a green light. So, at least these ones won’t dictate your life haha
LOL I wish I could say these weren’t dictating my life…
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! 🙂
LOL! I once saw a cookie that said…I am only a cookie, therefore I cannot help you. Perfect!
Ha! Debra, that IS perfect. They really know what they’re doing over at that magical tree, I mean, cookie factory…
I once got one that said “it taste sweet”
I was LOL but a little disturbed ….what taste sweet??
LOL!! They are experts at knowing just how to make us slowly lose our minds trying to figure these things out.
Hilarious!!
Thanks, Amanda!
LOL, visit my blog please.
super funny! loved it!
Thank you so much, Ruby!
Reblogged this on westsideluxeliving and commented:
funny
I discovered 2 words that can complete any fortune cookie fortune 🙂
If you want the rainbow, you must to put up with the rain- inbed.
Our first and last love…is self love- inbed.
There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends- inbed.
You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability- inbed.
It takes more than good memory to have good memories- inbed.
A thrilling time is in your immediate future- inbed.
Your blessing is no more than being safe and sound for the whole lifetime- inbed.
Plan for many pleasures ahead- inbed.
The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days- inbed.
Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later- inbed.
Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before- inbed.
Something you lost will soon turn up- inbed.
May life throw you a pleasant curve- inbed.
As the purse is emptied the heart is filled- inbed.
Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome- inbed.
Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others- inbed.
You get the picture:)
LOL Robert, I so appreciate this comment. But I must confess…even adding ‘in bed’ to my final fortune left me sleeping with one eye open. (Probably because I don’t think I’m ready to make any babies. Let alone all of them.)
Just a guess… I imagine its talking about those damn paper cranes.
Oh crud. I never did master the crane.
I have to admit, the situation reminds me of a book I once read, “Sweet Misfortune,” by Kevin Alan Milne.
One such example still makes me both laugh and groan: “Your car seems fine now, but just wait…it will eventually be a source of frustration and unexpected delay.”
I’ve never read that one, but it sounds like maybe I should! …Just don’t tell me Dash (my used, garish turquoise, Hyundai Sonata) is going to give out on me soon. I can’t take much more misfortune. 😉
Well, you can always choose one of the alternate mis-fortunes instead. XD I’m not sure how much better–or worse–they’ll end up being. *laughs*
Good luck with Dash and the book reading. 😉
The pictures really make this post great. 🙂 I’m sorry about your “misfortune cookies”, I’m superstitious enough to think, “oh great…” about those too. But you can’t have too much bad luck because you got Freshly Pressed! XD Congrats! 🙂
Thanks so much, Samantha! I do have to giggle at the irony of getting Freshly Pressed because of misfortune cookies. 🙂
My rule is if you don’t eat at least half the cookie, it doesn’t apply so you may be safe! Those are ridiculous!
WHEW. I knew it was the right move letting my husband eat those cookies.
Ah ha ha ha!
“Make all of what?” is right! Fortune cookie fortunes aren’t supposed to haunt you, but that one definitely does. Probably a “lost in translation” moment. Having turned thirty myself last year, I promise there is no mystery solved around the corner. I would be just as confused by it this year as last. 🙂
Thankfully, being born blonde has provided me with years of practice with being confused. 😉
love your post too funny 🙂
Thank you so much, Donata!
Very funny… Do most people get the fortune cookies to read the messages or to eat the cookies? I actually like the flavor or them. Please take a peek at my blog as well.
I forgot to add the site…http://krischronicles.wordpress.com/
Those are some great – and by great I mean ridiculous – fortunes! I once got a fortune cookie, no lie, that said, “You cannot escape yourself. You are always right behind you.” Talk about terrifying! Up until then, I hadn’t known that I was supposed to be trying to escape myself! I guess I’m stuck with me…me and these fortune cookie fortunes that is…
LOL! Stephanie, that’s fantastic! Somehow the way they manage to phrase them is the perfect blend of ‘sage and creepy,’ leaving you to obsess over it for days (weeks…years…) to come!
And they’re not even fortunes. They’re advice, statements of fact, or nonsensical assertions, or at least out of context… Make what indeed! 🙂
Great post!! Congratz on FP!
Thanks so much, zorgor! I completely agree – they’re rarely even fortunes anymore. But when they are… OMG. Scarred for life.
Lol! Wow — 734 replies! Really congratulations on FP!!