Food, Uncategorized

Misfortune Cookies

I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…

Avoid compulsively making things worse.

I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.

The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security withย its normal, zen-like reassurance:

You are the controller of your destiny.

…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?

But then this fortune happened:

Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.

Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.

I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortuneย that’s making me lose sleep at night:

You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.

All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 laterย this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?

Someone help me. Please.

So. Who’s out to get you?

781 thoughts on “Misfortune Cookies”

  1. Hilarious! I once received a fortune cookie that read โ€It is time to start a regular work out routineโ€. Really?? Thanks. Especially now that I’ve gorged myself on you’re yummy Chinese buffet goodness.

  2. I touched on this same subject in a post recently. I’m starting to think fortune cookie manufacturers are printing fortunes that make the customer think on them longer than 3 seconds as a marketing ploy for the restaurants. If you’re thinking about the fortune later in the week, you’re bound to think about the total experience and perhaps tell other people about it . Genius!

  3. I had Chinese food last night and this just reminded me that I did not receive any fortune cookies with my meal! So tragic with all of the possibilities that could have come out of them.

  4. As a Chinese, I’ve never had one lucky cookie until I came to the U.S. I am obsessed with the very moment every time before I hear the “crack” of the cookie and unfold my little notes. I strongly recommend the film โ€œFreaky Fridayโ€๏ผ๏ผ๏ผ You will find how powerful the lucky cookie can be! ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep up the good work. Cheers..

      1. Hence, why they’re called “Fortune” cookies ๐Ÿ˜‰ sorry, excuse me for my filthy mind xD

  5. this is totally awesome, it is ok, i am in my mid (soon to be late) 30s and i am not sure what i started making once i turned 30 ?

    1. Thanks! As soon as I figure it out, I will let you know. IF IT’S NOT TOO LATE.

      By the way, your name is so fun to say. Blogbiscuit. Blllogggbiscuit. I love it! ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. cheers hehe i love blogging and my surname is cooke, my nickname is cookie hence blog biscuit ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Believe me when I say it’s MY pleasure! My endless supply of guilty pleasures tend to help keep me from getting too serious. In case you couldn’t tell… heh. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Excellent. I’ll admit that every time I crack a cookie, I hope for something to live my life by, but Im fairly sure someone hacks them where I buy because they are always a bit abusive.

    1. I know. I feel the same way – looking for the answers to life in processed food. I actually have a fortune taped on my desk that says: With hard work and perseverance a precious dream comes true.

      I assume this means if I make a persuasive enough PowerPoint presentation, polygamy will be deemed legal in New Jersey, and my Second Husband To Be, Darren Criss, will be mine at long last.

      1. I think that is exxacctley how it was intended to be interpreted, I mean really, why didnt they just write that?

    1. Thanks, Ann! I really didn’t know that expression until I got feedback on this post. (Of course, the mistake of missing the word ‘mistake’ on the fortune is almost too much awesomeness for me to handle. ;))

  7. I once got a fortune that read, “You are the beautiful.” That keeps me up at night sometimes. The beautiful what? It’s not even a fortune, more of an observation. Someone in the Great Wall Chinese restaurant is stalking me.

    And I don’t even think I’m beautiful. I may well end up in a pit in the back of the restaurant, subsisting on stale eggrolls and rubbing a mixture of lotion and soy sauce into my skin . . .

    1. HA! Yes! That would keep me up at night, too! And judging by this comment and your gravatar, I’d say you’re quite beautiful. I toast my endless stale eggrolls and paranoia to you! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Have you ever thought you are eating too much chinese? And the chinese place you are eating at is kinda cheap?

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I enjoyed it. But, thankfully, I usually eat chinese at classy places. There the fortunes are written in better English.

    Wayne

  9. Reblogged this on luvsiesous and commented:
    OK, we have all had one of those fortune cookie moments.

    I would use my pictures, but this blogger is much prettier than I am.

    And I don’t have ready ready.

    Wayne

  10. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha laughing my head off ha ha ha .Here are some suggestions 1.Life is what you make it 2.Make love not war 3.Make it up as you go along 4 watch an episode of Dempsey and Makepeace

  11. I had a friend that has been to China and she told me about how you can find some of the Chinese selling Authentic American Fortune Cookies. I mean, who thinks of stuffing little pieces of paper with messages that you’re awesome and king of the world, or messages that you’re a piece of crap and you need to fix your train wreck of a life? Or, even worse, what if you eat the cookie first, without reading the fortune, and it tells you that you’re going to die from eating too much sugar? After you just ate what was supposed to be a sort of a desert? How horrible.

    Nice post.
    Oh, and PS – I’m in my 30’s, too. Let me know what it is that we’re supposed to be making. I’d better get to work on that one.

    1. Hi Rosie! “Authentic American Fortune Cookies” – that is classic! And you’re right, some of them just make you feel TERRIBLE. It’s kind of incredible. LOL

      I still haven’t figured out what we’re supposed to be making!! If only it were jokes… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  12. I had a friend that after much thought (and consultations with me) finally decided on the best way to propose to his gf… for their 4th anniversary he took her to the Chinese restaurant where they had their first date and on the sly paid them an exorbitant amount of money to put her ring in her fortune cookie… come cookie time she opened it to find… a piece of paper. Ironically it said, “good things come to those who wait”, more amusingly the person who had accidentally ended up with the cookie was someone who had been waiting for her boyfriend to propose for a long time.. awkward! They had sent it to table 21 instead of 12!!! There was about 10mins of panicked looking around before they heard the “OHMYGODYES!” scream from table 21.

      1. So EPIC! For the wedding I think our little gifts things (I’m not going to try and spell that word cause I ALWAYS mess it up) are going to be fortune cookies!! Seriously so funny when he told me the next day I was crying with laughter!

        1. It really is amazing! And please please please tell me you’re going to mess with your wedding guests, just a little, with those fortunes. The possibilities are endless! Wow, I have so many ideas I can’t even mention in mixed company. (For our wedding favors, I made these monogrammed Reese’s peanut butter cups with this edible pink icing stencil stuff…OMG, don’t ever go there. It took like 3 solid weeks to make 200.)

          1. Holy crap 3 weeks! Ours took a couple of days, but we made up 100 bags of hersheys kisses (hubby’s fav chocolate – thank god we got Costco over here last year or it would have been tres expensive) the bags were triangular and on one side we had their nametags so it became their place holder too.
            Oooh yeah we should have a brainstorm of crazy fortune ideas… certain ones for certain people. Ah hahaha you could really mess with some people big time!!!

  13. Oh my god! I love your blog so much. I have been collecting my fortunes and taking photos of them for about a month now. You took an idea and turned it into complete visual genius. Love it love it love it! Great job.

  14. Very comic post! But meaningful… Be sure to check my blog too, just like I did yours, I found it on freshly pressed. I am following your wordpress, can you follow mine back please? It is much appreciated, thanks in advance ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. Hysterical! Had to FB it on my personal page as it was so dang funny and should help lighten the fact that it’s Monday.

    Wish I could provide you some insight as to what those in their 30’s are supposed to make but maybe it’s more personal than that… Maybe you are supposed to be the one to finally make the better fortune cookie. One that actually tastes good! If that’s the case there wouldn’t be any way you could make them all, even if you lived forever. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Live long and prosper!

    1. Thank you so much for the comment and the FB share! Are you a Jules/Julz, too?

      OMG. You’re right. Making delicious fortune cookies must be my destiny. It makes perfect sense!

  16. HAHHHAH Love the fortune cookies. and your expressions ๐Ÿ™‚ hahaha some of these fortune cookies use random sentence generators or something…way wierd. I remember I got one from Panda Express or some Chinese fast food joint that said “Eat your way out of happiness”. Huh?

    1. Thank you so much! I think it’s definitely a combination of evil robots and vindictive trolls that generate these fortunes.

      Oh, I know all about eating my way out of happiness. It usually starts by eating my way into it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Thank YOU! And if you decide to go with that religion, let me know when the first service is. I’d love to see people receive the holy communion.

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