“I can’t wait to rent a boat in Long Island!” my first husband, Peppermeister, said several times before we headed east last week.
Once again, my aunt and uncle were generously letting us stay in their vacation home for our anniversary. We had fond memories of relaxing bay side, playing mini golf and binge drinking waterfront dining.
The house was just as we’d left it. (BUT NOT FOR LONG! STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO OF MY VACATION ADVENTURES!)
“Let’s scope out this place, The Station,” Peppermeister said. “They serve food and rent boats.”
While recreating one of the menu photos…
…we noticed an entertaining boat name:
“Do you think that’s the boat they rent?” I asked.
“Nah, that one’s too nice,” Peppermeister replied. “They probably rent those.”
He pointed to the glorified row boats on either side of Butthead. I quickly let go of my mai tai drinking, bow bathing fantasies.
“We’ll come back on Monday – the weather’s supposed to be beautiful.”
And the weather finally WAS beautiful, on Wednesday. The young man preparing our boat barely put down his sandwich to attach the motor. Knowing nothing about boats, I brushed off my first thought: “Is that from a lawn mower?”
At 10:15am, we were finally ready to hit the open seas Shinnecock Bay.
In between bites, our boat hand, who shall henceforth be referred to as “Boris,” explained where to fish for fluke, and gave us a map with the emergency phone numbers on it.
We didn’t even make it out of the marina before the motor stalled and we drifted into sand. We shoved ourselves off with our one sturdy oar, and Peppermeister got us going again.
The weather was so flawless, I paid little mind to the hiccup.
We cruised steadily west while Peppermeister grabbed a beer and we tried to pick out our own marina.
About 45 minutes into our cruise, the motor cut out again.
When it happened for the third time, we Peppermeister spent 20 minutes trying to start it.
“I’m just going to call the guy to come get us. This is a waste of time.” He fished out his cell phone from the Ziploc bag in his backpack.
Here’s a summary of how that went down:
“Landmarks? …Yes, there are buildings nearby! THERE ARE HOUSES EVERYWHERE!”
…
“We’re IN THE DUNES. DRIVE by the DUNES.”
…
“WE’RE DUE SOUTH OF TIANA BAY! DUE SOUTH! We’re IN the DUNES on the OTHER SIDE of the BAY. We’ve DRIFTED SINCE WE HAVE NO ANCHOR AND ONE OAR!”
…
“Like I said, we’re to the LEFT OF THE BRIDGE. DUE SOUTH OF TIANA BAY. We’re THE ONLY BOAT HERE.”
…
I tried to help, too.
One hour and five phone calls later, Boris arrived in none other than…
Butthead!
He, of course, managed to get our motor going, and told us to follow him back. The motor stalled a minute later, and it took him three minutes to notice we weren’t following. He circled back to tow us.
He tangled up his lines in his motor, and then attached one line to the front of our boat.
“He’s doing it wrong,” Peppermeister muttered. “You’re supposed to tow with two lines.”
We lurched forward, and Boris started swerving Butthead left to right, right to left, while we tipped from side to side in our boat.
I leaned forward and backward in the opposite direction of his swerving, trying to keep the boat level.
About halfway to the marina, the water grew increasingly choppy, as did Boris’s driving, and gallons of water sloshed into our boat. We tried bailing it out with our one bucket, a bleach bottle with the bottom cut out.
Peppermeister whistled loudly. Boris, who’d never once looked back to check on us, raised his eyebrows in mild surprise.
“Every time you turn, more water comes in! We’ve been trying to empty it this whole time!” Peppermeister shouted. “Will this boat sink?”
“No,” he replied, and kept driving, staring straight ahead.
The water rushed past our calves, almost as high as the seats.
Peppermeister whistled again and Boris stood there gawking.
Everything next happened in slow motion.
Peppermeister yelled, “You need to get off!”
With my brain still saying, “This boat’s not actually SINKING,” I grabbed our precious cargo -the backpack- and held it above my head. Suddenly, half the boat was under water. Good call on the Ziploc bags. As it capsized, my left leg got pinned beneath, allowing me to appreciate its sturdiness. Wow. No. I kicked off my flip-flops and paddled away, shouting,
“Here! The backpack! Get it on Butthead! Get it on Butthead!”
Because I’d be DAMNED if I was losing my cell phone and car keys over this little snafu.
Peppermeister threw the backpack at Boris, who let it hit his chest and slide to the floor. I swam for a second or two, watching the contents of the boat drift south (due south! Of Tiana Bay! Towards the dunes! In case you were wondering).
“Don’t worry about the boat! Don’t worry about it! Leave the stuff!” Boris called, finally looking rattled.
“Get a life jacket!” Peppermeister cried, and I grabbed the only one still within reach, passing it to him, confused.
Ooh, the water feels nice. It’s not as hard to swim in a denim jacket as I thought it would be. Bet I could swim back pretty fast. Great exercise.
“Do you need it? Put it on!” Peppermeister said frantically.
I took one look at his face and his next statement answered my unspoken question, “I’m freakin’ out a little.”
“It’s fine,” I replied. “It’s fine. We’re in a bay. You know how to swim.”
“I know, I know,” he said. “You get on first.”
Shouldn’t we get the stuff?
“Don’t worry about the stuff!” Boris called again.
“Go! Use our boat!” Peppermeister urged.
Our overturned boat was creating, I realized, a handy step up onto Butthead. Boris grabbed my arm firmly, “I got you, I got you.”
Man, I always thought that would be impossible, I thought as I tumbled onboard.
Once Peppermeister and I were safely seated, we began our 45-minute slog back to the marina. I didn’t realize why it took so long until much later.
Boris was towing our boat.
Upside down.
The Station owner was waiting for us on the dock when we returned.
“A ‘small’ problem?” he asked, glancing between Boris and his sodden passengers.
Boris stared at the ground while Peppermeister and I disembarked. Moments later, he handed us a full refund and two t-shirts.
“I’m so sorry about this,” he said.
He walked away, shoulders slumped, and I looked at Peppermeister.
“That. Was. AWESOME.”
Have you ever had any vacation mishaps?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
Wow, your boat capsized… this is not what we have come to expect when you say “bottom’s up”, Jules.
Vacation mishaps, eh? When I was 18 I used to photograph bands and had done some photos of an actual professional band and word got around. another big band called me to photograph a show of theirs as sort of an audition… if they liked the shots I could become their regular band photo to go on tour, signing bonus, and an actual pay cheque with bonuses, etc. The day after the shoot I was to go to Florida… long story short I ended up hitchhiking through the Keys and my camera got stolen with the audition films still in the camera bag. So not only didn’t I get the job but I didn’t bring home any vacation photos.
Oy! I can see why that would still haunt you – this kind of thing is exactly why ‘bottoms up’ USUALLY means booze in my world.
Jules,
I’m almost done with your post, let me grab another post of coffee, and make some bacon. And now for the second half.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I tried, oh how I TRIED, to make this shorter, but I just couldn’t do it. However, hearing that it’s causing readers to work up a bacon appetite, I now have no regrets.
Jules
Jules,
I had a second order of bacon. My one-ab is indebted to you.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
You’re welcome.
-My Double Chin
Jules,
I’m oversharing, but I laughed. No coffee spilling on my screen, as it seems like a trend on this blogosphere when one lawls, and it’s such a waste of coffee, but I laughed.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I live to serve (and spare coffee). I mean, really, I LIVE to serve. The promise of a blog post idea inspires me to survive near-death experiences.
Go Jules Go
Don’t listen to him, Jules. He’s Canadian and we Canucks go through bacon like Americans go through ammo… it’s got nothing to do with whether your post was too long.
Le Clown,
I also stopped for bacon. It was delicious.
-Soul Walker
I’ve been overturned in a canoe and lost my cell phone and wallet and then couldn’t make it back to the canoe due to the current in the river. Similar tale but no T-shirt for me.
How do you look so adorable right after slogging through the bay?
I was just showing Jim the last pic of JD and he said, “She’s hot!” It’s just not fair, RP. I would resemble a drowned rat.
SCORE – Peppermeister said that pic looked so fake (WHICH IT WAS! Booya! …Can I still take the compliment?)!
I mean – I took the pic of us this weekend and Photoshopped us in front of the boat.
Damn. I really fell for it too. Curse your photoshop skillz! (I bet you still looked smokin’ anyway)
So where’s the real pic? We, your audience, demand to see it.
I’m timing my nude photo/sex tape scandal for November/December – better chance at an award nomination.
ALL I cared about was my cell phone – I mean, just imagine this post without pictures! THE HORROR!
And poor Rachey-Poo. I hope you had a helpful companion since I couldn’t be there to rescue you.
My helpful companion deserted me chasing after the only thing that was in a ziploc bag – our lunch. I was left with to battle the current alone. With the canoe and two oars. Mr. Rache has priorities I guess.
Oh. My. GOD. This was so hysterical and scary. Two t-shirts and a refund? He should have given you Butthead. This story has taught me many lessons, always make sure there’s a large floating door nearby in the water in case I have to pull a Jack/Rose move later on. Or just always wear your life jacket. The best part of this story was that you managed to snap photos the entire time. The photo of Peppermeister in the boat was classic!! You officially rule blogging.
And I am soooo relieved you are here to tell that tale, JD. You kept your cool. I would have panicked immediately when the engine cut out the first time.
We really, really wanted Butthead. And a floating door. Or a paper bag, for Peppermeister’s hyperventilating.
I kept trying to tell him we should abandon the boat and swim to shore. Why don’t men just blindly listen to their women? They’d be so much better off.
It’s good to have relatives with vacation homes. I married for love but I also happened to have married up. I didn’t count on the fringe benefits.
Butthead? For real or you Photoshopped that?
You probably could have got out of the boat and walked to shore. I spend six years in the Coast Guard and had many fun-filled evenings meeting folks just like you on adventures just like this!
A+ on your misadventure. C- on the wet tee-shirt title tease.
I really should have married up – I might’ve gotten my very own Butthead and avoided this mess. And yes! It was really called Butthead! I swear on floatation devices, I only Photoshopped the final picture.
And that was EXACTLY my suggestion to Peppermeister (to walk to shore) during the hour we waited for Boris.
My poor wife. If I married up, you know what that means for her, don’t you?
Once you admit to Photoshopping one pic, ALL pics become suspect.
Re: your—our—walking to shore solution. Great minds, etc.
I really think the T-shirt should have said “I nearly drowned at The Station.” And are you sure that Boris wasn’t named after his boat?
Their t-shirt possibilities are endless, really, now that you mention it.
I originally named him “Out to Lunch,” but Peppermeister insisted on Boris. I humored him, since his boat dreams were dashed so spectacularly.
Hahaha – good times! We rented wave runners in SC and the one my friend was on stalled in the waterway. They brought him another one to use and five minutes later the first one burst into flames. Naturally, I made jokes about it for the rest of the day pretending he was being chased by the mob. He didn’t think it was funny. I thought it was hilarious. No one was hurt, and we got drink coupons. What? Yeah we’re not really friends anymore.
First off – thanks for the Tweet favorite!
And DANG, that’s the only thing we were missing – flames! (Although with Boris dragging the boat upside down, and the motor under water, the whole way back, anything might’ve happened.)
That’s incredible. If your friend can’t appreciate how important it is to suffer for a good story, he’s no friend of bloggers!
Haha, no way! Just a minor mishap. Really though, Butthead? Why doesn’t stuff like this happen in my life. 😆
When Peppermeister was “freaking out just a little” in the water, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see this whole experience as a gift from the bloggy gods.
Wow. What an adventure. You probably should have known when you saw Butthead. Who knew that Beavis was the one renting out the boats! And that picture looks totally real. Good job with the photoshopping. 😉
YES! I hope the Jules-skill-doubting Peppermeister is reading these comments. Thank you!
And HA. DAMMIT! Why didn’t we think to name him “Beavis”?!?!?!!?
Getting visions of Leo and Kate. Glad Peppermeister didn’t have to slip away to feed the fishies to save you. Also glad you made it back safely. Your obit without your great voice would suck, and I’m guessing you didn’t write it up before you left. 🙂
Piper, thank you. My next blog post? Everyone gets to vote on my obit text!
When I was 16 my dad got a speeding ticket on a reservation in Wyoming when we were on a two week camping trip in the western states. This was after we had planned to get gas in the next town only to discover that the town had apparently been abandoned in the 1970s.
There’s nothing that sends a shiver down my spine more than the phrase, “abandoned town.” Are you sure the cop wasn’t a ghost?
This was a while down the road, not in the same town. But still the fact that both happened on the same day made it really suck gor us.
Oh Jules, I love you and your first husband. Only kind hearted people could be good sports about this like you were.
My brother and I rented a jet ski when we were like 15 and 12 respectively and took it out into the Atlantic a couple hundred yards from the beach only to stall. The imbecile (our Boris?) came out and switched the switch to reserve saying that the other tank was empty but the reserve tank had plenty of gas in it to finish out our 1 hour rental. Of course we ran out of gas again and a storm came through causing us to lose visibility for more than about 5 yards. I made some JAWS music as we drifted off to sea while my brother was freaking the fuck out! Lol. We were eventually saved when the storm passed and Boris McTanlines was able to see us to come get us. I later admitted to my brother while in our bunk beds that I was a wee bit freaked out too.
Nah, we have hearts of coal. I’m surprised we didn’t sink straight to the bottom.
I guess the good thing about panicking in the ocean is that you can just go ahead and pee.
P.S. – Oh! I just heard you were Freshly Pressed recently – congrats!!
Thanks Jules! I feel specialler now than I did before.
Ummmm, on tht one pic with u trying to flag down Boris – were u wearing ANYTHING?
Great post – reminds me if when Boom Boom and I wrecked a rented sailboat in Mexico.
HA Believe it or not, I thought of you when I posted that pic (that’s what she said). Last year, I posted a similar pic from Long Island (in a strapless bathing suit), and you said the same thing.
I mean… I was totes naked! That’s why Boris couldn’t drive straight!
Wrecked? Wrecked wrecked?
Wrecked as in drifted sideways into rocks and gouged the hell out of the sides. When we were getting towed in, the boat was going sideways because the rudder also get trashed on same rocks. Our bill for damages ? 0 pesos. Not sure how we got away with that one.
And u gotta come up with some new pervy comment material…
I like my pervy comment material like I like my pervs – old. (…How’s that?)
0 pesos. That is muy unbelievable.
Hey, that’s me!! Want some candy and a puppy?
AND you have bean bag chairs in the back of your van? I’m in!
I convinced her that topless boating helps decrease wind resistance.
Genius, pure genius.
I love it! So sorry about the mishap but the comedy of it all was epic!
TOTALLY worth it. Just look at those beautiful t-shirts!
And thanks!
At any point did you think, “Blog post.”? Even for a second?
That’s an awesome story. Just fantastic. Especially since everyone’s okay AND you got shirts out of the deal (because, naturally, you’re going to want to advertise for them…)
At all the points did I think that! That iPhone is worth its weight in gold.
Thanks – I’m glad you liked it! It was almost impossible to bite my tongue and not mention it offline.
Oh, Boris. Sweet, stupid, determined Boris. I, too, am an eternal optimist, relatively unswayed by hard facts. And Jules? I hope you keep having one mishap after another, ’cause I like reading about them. Is that evil, or is that what friendship’s about? 😉
Seriously – TOTALLY worth it. I was drying up, blog-wise (pun intended! Booya!).
AND we got a full refund (went out to dinner, BONUS). It was like I was finally getting paid to blog!
Save the beer! ALWAYS save the beer when a boat is sinking.
Yes! I would have mentioned that specifically (that Peppermeister DID save the cooler) if this post wasn’t already 450,000 words long. 😉
Good man, that Peppermeister!
That was AMAZING! As long as the cell phones (and you and Peppermeister, of course) made it out safely, it’s all good.
We’ve had our share of vacation mishaps. Accidentally hiking to the Delicate Arch in Arches National Park. The camping trip where we had to leave two days early because torrential rain drowned our tent. But the best was the 9.0 earthquake that just happened to occur on the second day of our once-in-a-lifetime trip to Japan.
I think someone’s trying to tell me I need to stay home.
Oh! OH! Earthquake! You win! Wow. I’m so glad you’re okay.
My favorite part was the full refund – we got to go out to dinner with the money, AND I got a blog post. Win-win.
Do you have that shirt that says, “I’m blogging this”? Because if you don’t, you totally should. That’s the upside to all misery- we can always blog it.
OMG. I NEED THAT SHIRT.
I’d say I’d get it for you, but I still owe you a Petey P. Cup, so we know how good I am for it.
Friggen hilarious!!
P.S. check your email,,,from nikkix2 😉
Thanks, Nikki! Got your email and just followed 😉
The free T shirts made it all worth it.
As did the full refund = dinner and drinks.
Holy hell this was hysterical. I probably need to make a mental note not to read your blog while at work…just saying!
Glad you got a sweet t-shirt out of the gig! Who says blogging isn’t profitable!
Why thank you! My goal in [blogging] life is to get someone fired. Okay, not fired. Just called down to the principal’s office.
Hysterical! I bet you’ve already achieved that goal 😉
I agree! THAT WAS AWESOME!
Amen! Cheers, Nancy!
I love that you called it a “small snafu.” That’s one of those things that at some point it just becomes hilarious. When was that for you? For me, it was when you called the guy Boris.
I’m so glad you asked, Thoughtsy! The part of the story that I left out was when the water first started sloshing into the boat, and I just LOST it. Peppermeister said, “Please don’t laugh. Please. This was the ONE THING I was looking forward to.” By the time boat sank, though, he saw it for what it was: Comedy gold.
That was awesome!
It really, really was.
I loved you tale of the sea…. No whale?
Well, I’m not sure what was in Boris’s sandwich… It did take him a long time to finish.
Well that was entertaining…
Thanks! I especially liked the part with Peppermeister hyperventilating.
Oh my golly gosh! I’ve had two near drowning vacation mishaps too, as well as a falling down some marble hotel stairs and cracking my head mishap, oh and a faulty bikini top mishap too, some might say that last one was fortuitous though.
Gah! I can totally see that happening, with the stairs. We’ve stayed at some all-inclusive places in the tropics, where the floors are all marble, but everything is humid, so all of the surfaces are slick.
reason #455 why I hate boats! I really do. I’m so not a water person. (Don’t I sound fun? I’m always telling you what I DON’T like.)
All vacations with kids are mishaps. All trips without them are wonderful even if it’s just a night in a hotel downtown–which we have done. 🙂
I didn’t mention that I actually started to feel sea sick, on top of it all!
Most parents tell me that as long as a hotel/motel has a pool, they’re good to go. Someone told me one place had an indoor water park!! Why didn’t they have that when we were kids??
Absolutely hilarious. I knew right away where you were headed as soon as I saw the map they gave you. Warning bells right there.
For Peppermeister, it was right when Boris refused to put down his sandwich, even when selecting a motor for our boat (I think he picked the right one, don’t you?).
You are too good of a writer, and I am too emotional of a reader, and I cannot handle this. Glad you guys had fun but I’m vacillating between amusement and rage.
Kind of off topic, but have you ever seen the Buzzfeed article, ‘Animals Who Just Can’t [Handle It]’? Because you need to. Hang on…
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/17-animals-that-dont-even-know-what-just-happened-to-them
Lol I love that! But seriously, why is that paper bag moving?
At no point while reading this did I think your boat would actually sink. Even when I read, “As it capsized…” I thought, “nah, they’ll be fine.” I love that your boat sinking actually made the whole thing *more* fun. (I think I would feel the same way!) What’s a vacation without a bit of maritime adventure?
I’m still not convinced it actually happened, but I keep brushing off sand from my denim jacket.
I thought of you/your sailing post when I was writing this!
Ha, you know what? The motor is the worst part of sailing too. We’ll be having a great time and when it’s time to head back in, it can take freaking forever (and the muscle power of Adonis) to get the motor going because it’s flooded or not getting gas. Oars all the way!
I can’t deal.
I’m going to have another beer and toast you with it.
I’m toasting back with one of the beers Peppermeister salvaged!!
Brilliant. I had a similar (although not QUITE so disastrous) experience in Croatia. Our engine packed in, we drifted for about two hours, we were towed back by a friendly Austrian family (whose children found it HILARIOUS). We waited on the beach for the boat’s owner to return to his office. While waiting, all our possessions (phones, cameras, MP3 players) were washed out to sea by a large wave. Upon the boat owner’s return, and his query as to why I hadn’t been answering my phone, I explained this. His response? To nod sagely and proclaim, “Ah. You have a sheeeeet day.” Yes, Croatian man, yes we did.
We didn’t even get a t-shirt.
Not quite so disastrous?! You lost all your stuff!! That was my biggest fear (life jacket, schmife jacket)! That is some sheeeeet right there!
Then again, you did get towed by the von Trapps, so that’s exciting.
True, but at no point did I fear for my life… although the extremely chubby Austrian child DID look hungry… luckily I think he was too amused by us to consider eating us.
This is why I love you. Because you had this kick-ass attitude about the whole thing, instead of going all “I’m gonna sue you.”
And you DO look hot – too hot for someone who just crawled off the Titanic.
I love you, too, Peggles, and not just because you said I’m hot. Mostly because you read my blog.
Jules,
Since it was photoshopped I don’t think I have to apologize to your first husband for noticing your tiny t-shirt. But I would have if it was real… although truth be told one of the reasons I would apologize is because I love awkward moments… sounds like a fantastic outing!
-Soul Walker
The endless boat ride back with Boris really was awkward. AND AWESOME.
That photo totally needs to be part of your Christmas card this year. I am willing to bet money that Boris was in the family, IYKWIM, and couldn’t be canned. I’ve had two vacation mishaps that aren’t nearly as exciting as yours. Once when I was about 8 we camped in Panama City, FL and a hurricane hit. My sister and I slept in the tent while my parents were in the camper and we were FORBIDDEN to enter it. But eventually the weather got so bad and we were so scared, we ran for it. As soon as we were out of the tent, it flipped over. We broke camp and headed for a hotel. The other time was the first time my sister and I decided to go camping ourselves, at like 20 and 17. We neglected to bring tent poles. It also rained that night and we ended up at a hotel. I don’t go camping anymore.
Ha! I just got these napkins for Jenn, and they also serve as the perfect response here:
Hey, I can’t seem to find your email. So could you possibly email me to ask you a question?
–Shaye
shayewalsh1@gmail.com
bahaha oh gosh poor Jules (you said it was cool to call you that so I am going for it!).
I had a little mishap with a jetski on a vacation once… I wrote about it here: http://ruthierufiebob.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/the-jet-ski-adventure/
It is written in third person, because that is how I write stories best 🙂
I’m really enjoying your blog! Glad I followed!
Ruthie
Thank you so much, Ruthie! And I’d be insulted if you didn’t call me Jules 😉