humor, New Jersey is breathtaking, PSAs

I Ran 10 Miles And I’m Really Not Sure How I Feel About It.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been blogging much lately, I’m here to confirm your suspicions.

I was abducted by aliens.

It actually wasn't bad. I love hats.
It actually wasn’t bad. I love hats.

After undergoing a series of surprisingly enjoyable probes, I returned to earth (well, New Jersey, so, debatable) a changed woman.

The type of woman I never, ever thought I’d be.

A…a… Oh god. Don’t make me say it.

A runner. I’m a runner now, okay?

I talk to people who I thought were my friends about hydration belts and minimalist shoes and something called GU.

Unless one of these is bacon-flavored, PASS.
Unless one of these is bacon-flavored, PASS.

I look at charts like this and pretend I understand.

Image courtesy of
Seriously. What the Fudge Stripes is a tempo run? Does listening to the 80s workout mix on Pandora while I run the dishwasher count? (Image courtesy of

Perhaps most tellingly, I feel great! can barely move.

We're gonna need a clean up in aisle 6.
Clean up in aisle 6.

Up until 4 weeks ago, the farthest I’d ever “run” was 2 miles. The only race I’d ever completed was a 5K. 8 years ago.

So after managing to jog a whole 3 miles 3 weeks ago, I signed up for a half marathon on May 18th.

Because I never really loved myself.

That gave me 8 weeks to train. “It’s down the shore,” I said, using the native phrase for [describing] any part of the Jersey coastline. “It’s flat. I’ve got this.”

“Do the first two miles and it’s all downhill,” I huffed during my first long run.

That worked. Except when it was uphill.

“It’s all mental,” I puffed.

That worked. Except when my right calf went numb at mile 5.

I somehow hit 10 miles on Thursday. More importantly, so did my dog, Uncle Jesse.


May 18th is now less than 5 weeks away, and the one thought that’s genuinely keeping me going? “If I don’t live to see BaconFest [next weekend], pig heads will roll.”

Why else would anyone ever exercise?
Why else would anyone ever exercise?

So, have you ever lost your mind any tips for me? (Note: I’m especially interested in advice about carb-loading.)


62 thoughts on “I Ran 10 Miles And I’m Really Not Sure How I Feel About It.”

  1. Wow, I’m really impressed! That is a really impressive range of flavors that GU produce! I see chocolate in there, espresso, those are good flavors. Oh wait…no, I’m impressed with YOU! I was just distracted by the chocolate and espresso for a minute there. Go Jules Go!

    1. Right?! After I added that caption, I went back and examined all of the labels because I thought there JUST might be a bacon-flavored one.

      Thank you! Ooh. Maybe I need to make myself a “” t-shirt for run day. Or better yet, for Bacon Fest. A little shameless self-promotion never hurt anyone.

  2. Gu actually isn’t that bad. (Says the guy who’s college shot of choice was the Gorilla Fart)

    This is awesome! I did the Chicago Marathon YEARS ago and am familiar with those crazy run schedules. But they work – in fact you can probably do it a couple weeks early. What was big for me was Boom Boom being my running partner. If you don’t have a partner or a group to run with, have a great playlist. We did it pre-iPods and playing word games and other stuff helped fight the boredom of long runs.

    1. I’m having a Gorilla Fart (I just looked that up – sounds good – cheers!) in your honor to toast your Chicago Marathon! I’m not sure if I’ll ever work myself up to 26+ miles, but of course that’s where your mind immediately goes [when you’re crazy and Type A and competitive and OCD…not that I’m any of those things…] as soon as you start anything like this.

      I definitely have a running partner for the next race, but it didn’t work out for this one, so I’m counting on Pandora to get me through (the 80’s mix actually did get me through the 10 miler)!

  3. I’m not a runner (or, really, a walker. I’m an awesome breather, though.) but my friends who are all talk about pooping on the side of the road. Maybe you should do that? That will up your runner cred.

  4. True story. My husband trained a year to run a half-marathon with our teenage son – who didn’t train at all. We were worried about him, since he’s never run more than a 5 K. Sure enough, he got a migraine half way through the race. So he sped up. Beat my husband by about 20 minutes. So cheer up. Maybe you’ll get a skull crushing headache.

    1. Check! LOL It is amazing how many stories I’ve heard like that… there is no WAY I could have done this without preparation! Strength training has so been important. I got one of those really heavy mugs for my vodka.

  5. I am impressed. I tried running a couple of weeks ago and felt like I was being stabbed in the legs for seven days after so my advice is don’t run shitty like me.

  6. What is this marathon that you speak of? Does it involve removing my large buttocks from the couch? Because if so, I have no idea. But, having seen your new fit and trim bod, I have no doubt you’ve got this. I will cheer you on from the sidelines. I assume you realize that sidelines = my couch, right? Go Jules!!

    1. I’m going to have the most rocking cheering section after! And by cheering section I mean post race-binge eating and drinking company section. …Right? That is seriously why I’m doing this.

  7. I have to hand it to you. This is PRETty clever blog branding.
    I’m picturing the whole marathon route with signs that say, “GO JULES GO!!!”

    (Congratulations and good luck!)

    1. Thanks, Debbie! I’ve been so blinded by bacon that I had failed to see the marketing potential until now. Getting the Go Jules Go GU ordered now… (The flavor is vodka.)

  8. Good for you Jules! I don’t have any tips for you because I’ve never run anything ever. I’m walking a 5k in two weeks and I’m just hoping to finish in an hour so I can get back to filming (I’m super Hollywood these days – not really).

    1. I bet they will have that at Bacon Fest. You know what else they have at Bacon Fest? Dreams coming true, granted wishes granted and fulfilled fantasies. The whole thing is a bargain, really. …Who are you?

  9. I cracked up laughing when I saw the chart. I had an overzealous marathoner give me training help for… a 5K. It looked a lot like that chart and I was left asking about tempo runs and what-not and her responses always left me thinking “how is that different from just running, exactly?” So I blew most of that off and just ran for the designated times. And learned that, really, running 3 miles ain’t that hard. 😉

    But ten… wow… I bow to your craziness. lol

  10. Yikes! 10 miles???? That’s like…like….far! Really, really far! I can’t even drive that far in my SUV without huffing and puffing.

    And you invented the Alien Probe Training Method with is sure to be the next big thing. Way to go, Jules!

  11. I’ve run two half marathons (so that’s like running a whole marathon, right?)
    It rained like cats and dogs during one and it was lightly snowing in the other. Crazy! I was not a big fan of the GU. Maybe I just tried the wrong flavor. Do they have one that tastes like margarita? 🙂

    Good luck! You’ve inspired me to *maybe* train for another. The Brooklyn Half is coming soon…

  12. You’re freakin’ amazing, Jules! My resolution for the year was to run a 5K every month. 4 down, 8 to go and I get better each time, but a half marathon?!?! The mere thought of that is enough to send me head first into a bottle of wine. Best of luck to you in your half and keep up the great work. You’re an inspiration and you look phenomenal!

  13. You’re fairly healthy. If you had autoimmune, I’d strongly warn you about those longer recovery times.

    I got 2 over-training injuries due to a) stupidity and b) ignorance.

    Pro-user Tip: they’re not the same thing.

    I know that I have AI but chose to ignore that (stupidity). What I didn’t know (ignorance) was that just because I ran a few miles a couple times a week from age 12 to almost 40, didn’t mean that I got a pass on training programmes.

    Apparently, they’re helpful. I just decided to start running 2-3 times farther and did it cos how hard is it to put one foot in front of the other when moderately sober?

    Before the over-training injuries, I learnt about refuelling (or not, whose upside is a sober drunkenness). I do not du gu. I chugged supplement in water. That’s all I needed for a 90-180 minute run but again…don’t go by what I say due to a & b.

    Have fun!

  14. Chances are… if I am running, there’s a crazy person with a large knife chasing me or a big sale at Macy’s. But I admire your experiment in a healthy activity and share your love of bacon. Great blog as always.

  15. “Surprisingly enjoyable probes”… I will be using this at some point. Maybe on my blog, definitely while stimulating a brewery’s bottom line but That’s just a bro classic. Ever see the movie “Paul”?

    I think I could survive running a marathon and I’m a decidedly indoorsy couch potato with bacon sprinkles—the Tuesday of the 12th week says to run 4 meters. I could do that (if there’s a bag of BBQ chips at the finish line).

  16. I love it! I was hazed into running a half marathon by my sister and brother. I finished, alongside an osteoporodic power-walker in “bermudas.” I’m not sure I identify as a runner, but sometimes I jog. Good luck in your race!

  17. Congratulations! I can’t believe you a) signed up for a half marathon or b) ran 10 miles without dying. Also you look fucking fantastic. WOW. Seriously. Maybe I should consider signing up to kill myself. ahem I mean run 10 miles.

  18. You are so completely unstoppable! To think it all started with that fitbit or whichever one you bought. Now you’re a machine! (I have yet to ever run a full mile.)

  19. Remember these motivational tips on race day:

    You’re doing something the majority of people can’t or won’t even thing about doing.

    It’s not about how you finish it’s about doing your best to finish. Even if you only beat an 80 year old using oxygen, you beat somebody.

    One foot in front of the other; one hand in front of the other.

    You go, Girl! 🙂

  20. Lemon-Lime gu, and orange gu. My personal favs.

    Congratulations on 10 miles! It’s such a great number because it sounds waaaaaay farther than 9 miles.

    It looks like that race is a half-marathon, but not also a whole marathon? That’s really good, because you can avoid this conversation, that turns months of training in to nothing:
    “Oh, are you running the marathon?”
    “No, *just* the half.”

  21. Jules!!

    Laughed out loud at this in the middle of an engineering meeting and everyone was wondering why. So, if you get alot of anal-retentive engineer-types coming over to say “hey,” and little else, because, well, they are anal engineer-types, you can thank me for it. LOL!

    This seriously cracked me up: “After undergoing a series of surprisingly enjoyable probes, I returned to earth (well, New Jersey, so, debatable) a changed woman.” Buwwhahahahahaahaha!

    I love this post and all I can say is Good on you! And, well, also, better you than me. I hate running with my entire being and will never do it unless I absolutely have to, as in, a destructive creature is chasing me. I will, however, always sit on the sidelines munching my pile of smoked bacon and cheering madly for YOU. You are awesome. Mind, body, and soul. XOXO

  22. Congrats! I top out at 5ks. And Uncle Jesse runs, too? Nice! i tried jogging with Ozzy about 4 weeks postpartum. It was sad. I was out of breath, and he was just walking fast.

  23. Abducted by alienist??? Oh No! 🙂 I admire you staying power. Wait. No. I think that’s meant to be running power. I’m happy to walk as many as 17 miles in one day with little interruption, but would never dare run anywhere near as many miles as you did. Congratulations!

  24. Well, mostly I think you are crazy. Anything past 3 miles and I think you should upgrade to a bike. Anything past 20 and it is car time. But in the interest of being an encouraging reader and not just saying “get on a bike”, I will say “Run Jules Run!” and “You can do it!”

  25. I haven’t seen you “around” for a long time. 🙂
    Just pretend those aliens are running after you with a probe. That should keep your knees up. Good luck!

  26. Ha! This cracked me up. I never considered myself a “runner” either just something I did to train for my triathlons. I try looking it that way and it makes me feel much better. 🙂 Good luck on your first half marathon! Dude. Nice. I haven’t done one of those sounds intense. But you’ll be awesomely rewarded with Baconfest.

  27. Damn. Good for you. My advice for carb loading (which I do every day without the running part) is fettucine alfredo at the starting line. The idea is stolen from my favorite episode of The Office, but you could make it happen.

  28. After numerous nudges to check out your blog (no one ever has pegged me as an early adopter…except when it comes to Orbit gum flavors) I have and I love you. In a completely normal non creepy way, I promise. 🙂 Good luck on your half crazy! My current running status is more reflective of the .2 you see on those “I Ran A Marathon” stickers, so good work.

  29. Jules,

    Sorry I have been absent for a while. Also, I don’t know if that last one is supposed to be two words or one and I am not looking it up.

    I actually work at a specialty running store. If you have any running questions at all don’t hesitate to shoot me a message.

    -Soul Walker

    p.s.- Please continue being awesome.

  30. I did a couple of half marathons. I guess I’m too late to show up with tips (but it’s too late anyway, right?). But those charts, seriously. Tempo runs and Fartleks (that word ALWAYS makes me laugh!) XD

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