I’m sorry I haven’t posted in so long, but I wanted you to believe running my first half marathon last month actually killed me.
Actually, it did something far, far worse.
It hooked me.
Me. The blogger with a penchant for vodka and chocolate-covered bacon everything.
This is my life now:
Oh and see those little silver packets on the lower right? Those are GU brand energy gels. I don’t even like Gatorade, let alone creepy pudding packs with space-agey Nutrition Facts.
Finally, though, I listened to the advice of 10,273,047 seasoned runners and tried one during a recent training session, around mile 8, when I felt particularly sluggish. I went with the least offensive flavor I could find: Tri-berry. (Named so because GU berries run triathlons. Obviously.) Sure enough, 20 minutes later, I felt a sudden pep in my step that lasted the entire remaining 5 miles.
Speaking of winners, the rumors are true: I completed my first half marathon, The Wild Half, on Sunday, May 18th, in Wildwood, New Jersey!
I chose the course because it ran alongside the coastline, i.e., it was FLAT. After 8 weeks of training, I still had no idea what I was doing, but my sister, a race veteran, was there to guide me every step of the way.
Her calming presence didn’t stop me from asking the obvious questions.
I was also careful not to disrupt my normal routine the day before the race.
The morning of, I lined up with the 10-minute mile pace group. My goal was simply to finish without walking, but I knew the faster I finished, the faster I could drink “celebrate.”
I programmed the 80’s cardio mix on my Pandora app and got ready to rock and roll.
I was feeling great until about mile 7, when the sun and endless stretch of pavement started to sear my soul. By mile 9, I hit the low point usually reserved for mile 10. Then, miraculously, I saw the mile 11 banner. I had missed the 10-mile marker altogether.
Despite that mental boost, by mile 12, I was ready to stop running. Two of my oldest friends, shame and pride, pulled me through.
With a stitch forming in my right side, I grimace-grinned down the home stretch.
I passed through a string of enthusiastic volunteers to claim my snazzy finisher’s medal.
So, not only have I become one of “those” people, I’ve also become one of THESE people:
To add insult to [inevitable knee] injury, what am I up to now?
If you were forced at gunpoint to run 26.2 miles, who would you drag with you?
***As promised, one commenter from my last post receives a Vosges Mo’s Milk Chocolate Bacon bar! The lucky winner is: WTF Elsewhere! Congrats, Lorien – I’ll be in touch via email to award your prize!***
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Go Jules Go 
Congrats! Good for you. You look fabulous, even at mile 13! You’re glowing.
I’d say it was the GU, but really it was the memory of the little umbrella in that Long Island Iced Tea. Thank you so much, Amy!
Whoo-hoo! I never win ANYTHING! Maybe if one wins something bacon-related, it’s a sign that luck is about to change… 😀
Woooot! I just sent you an email! I’m hoping your luck is so good, and your love of bacon-chocolate so strong, that you get distracted enough to give me a ridiculous cut of your lottery winnings.
I’m putting you on my list!
Energy gel? Seriously? That must taste as good as the glucose gel things I used to carry.
It’s scary what starts to taste good after a certain amount of self-inflicted torture.
Compared to running 13 miles (and then another 0.1) almost anything would probably taste good to me.
Hi Jules! Great job! I’ve gotten very into fitness lately, too. The answer to your question is easy; I’d drag my bike with me and hop on after about the third mile! (It’s me Sprinkles–I have a new blog now!)
Sprinkles!!!! Sending you so many virtual hugs right now. (And they’re not even sweaty because today is my off day. You’re welcome.) I can’t wait to get caught up with you and your new blog! I’m sorry I’ve been so M.I.A., but it is WONDERFUL to see you ‘reappearing’!!
Yay!! I’ve had so many crazy Gypsy Sister sightings and other trashy TV thoughts to share with you. You look fabulous and are in great shape!! I’ve lost 53.5 pounds and am still working my butt off to lose 28 more. Then we’ll be twinsies!! Consider yourself hugged right back; sorry I’m squeezing you so tight–these pythons can’t control the pressure! 😉
I would grab somebody who had a wagon big enough to carry me. (and not a lot going on upstairs if you know what I mean.)
I think I might have to have some more GU to know what you mean. And not just because I want some more GU.
In my running days, I loved GU. It’s almost worth taking it back up to justify eating (?) it again. I was a fan of strawberry and vanilla flavors. Yes, I need to start running again.
Okay, tell me everything. Why did you stop running? It loses its luster, right? (Hopefully you didn’t get hurt.)
Strawberry-vanilla is coming up as a strong contender for my ‘Branching Out, GU-Style’ campaign…
I had some knee issues, and lost my health insurance, then I moved two hours from my job, so I just haven’t had the time I used to. But I’m moving soon, so I’m hoping to get back into inhaling GU as soon as possible.
Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that! And so glad to hear you’re moving closer to both work and GU-binging. (Hmm. Now that just sounds wrong, doesn’t it?) I swear a bad commute takes years, if not decades, off of a person’s life!
…Do you think GU gives you years back? Maybe just certain flavors.
There’s really only one way to find out…
First of all, I am very proud of you for finishing that thing. It takes a lot to work through those end of race feelings of wanting to quit. Plus, good blogging stories sometimes win out. Good for you for fighting through it!
And second, the only way I would ever even start to run a marathon WOULD BE if there was a gun to my head, and/or dragons/zombies/man-eating wildebeests chasing me. Oh, who am I kidding . . . I’d be done for. Why ever bother running at that point?
Thank you, Ninja Snaps! I really don’t know what’s come over me. Actually, I do, but if I told you/blogged about it, I’d have to kill you. And that would be like killing two people. And frankly, I’m really only comfortable killing one person.
Wait. That sounded much funnier in my head.
You. Are. Effing. Amazing. Congrats a thousand time over, JD!!! I am so proud of you!
And I loved the fact you missed the 10 mile marker. It was the GU goo. It ate away part of your brain’s frontal lobe.
I would only run a half/whole/one-eighth marathon if the GU goo came in Big Mac flavor and was made entirely of meth.
Thank you, DP!! Confession: I only turned to GU post-Wild Half marathon, and I’m already starting to doubt its powers, but am hoping if I talk it up enough, it’ll come through for me in September.
If not, I’m counting on you to give me a blood transfusion, using the blood of Forrest Gump and A.L.F.
hahaha!! Oh have I missed your witty hilarious blood-of-Forrest Gump-ish comments!
Congrats Jules! I wish I had some sort of elaborate excuse as to why I’ve been absent. I’ll come up with something.
How’s training for a Games of Thrones marathon?
I recently witnessed my parents watching Game of Thrones together, and if I had gotten their commentary on tape, I’d be a millionaire. Babs’ main concern was verifying bad vs. good guys, while my father took a more nuanced stance.
You could do a blog post about that! A list of the elaborate reasons for why you haven’t blogged. List of X can help!
Carry on,girl!
As far as these legs will take me! *high five*
*high five* hahaha 🙂
Congratulations, Julie! 13 miles… sorry, 13.1, and aiming for 26.2! Wow! Do you think it may be time to rename your blog to ‘”Run Julie Run”? 🙂
If forced to run 26.2 miles, I’d take Superman so that he could carry me for the last 25.7 miles.
Why thank you! Thank you mostly for not short-changing me on that .1.
I heard Superman is booked; would you settle for a cop on a segway?
I’d prefer a segway all to myself, but even hugging a cop for 4 hours straight still beats running.
You go, girl! It sounds like your life has really taken a turn for Awesome Town. Losing a big pharma job and selling your house by owner look FABULOUS on you! 😉 (Did your house sell? Or is it a big, festering wound of a topic that should never be mentioned again?)
Ha! Oh, Dana, Dana, Dana. The blog posts that are forced to go unwritten these days… My memoirs are going to rival the old encyclopedia Britannicas. WOW did I ever just date myself.
Good thing your awesome compliments always turn my frown upside-down! Thank you!! 🙂
I seriously just got an e-mail from somebody asking if I wanted their old set of Encyclopedia Britannicas. Two references in two days– weird.
I can only imagine the unwritten posts just waiting to burst forth. My own blog has been neglected for about 3 months now, so I totally understand. 🙂
Way to go Jules! What an accomplishment! You definitely earned that fried Twinkie. Good luck training for September!
Thanks so much, Jess! I’m trying to decide if I should admit there were also 3 fried Oreos and fried Reese’s peanut butter cup in the mix. I’d never had anything like it before (shockingly), but the fried Twinkie trumped them all. Magic.
Well done little sis… what was your time in the end?
I used to run those wee beasties back when I was a gangly teen (early-mid 80s. All we had then were normal trainers/sneakers and a bottle of water strapped to the waist, lol
Why thank you, kind sir! My final time was 2:07:47, so I actually wound up doing a little better than my target 10 minute-mile pace. I doubt I’ll ever get much faster than that, but am excited to try longer distances!
I just bought this fancy pair of sneakers to replace my basic trainers, and they’re already causing problems. Maybe I’ll just run barefoot.
Congrats! The only way you’ll find me running is if someone is chasing me.
That’s exactly how I used to feel. I consider this post a cautionary tale. Actually, at this point, I consider my entire life a cautionary tale. You should probably start running [away] now.
Congrats!
Geez, I leave behind blogger-world for nine months… and this!
I only run TO ice cream and AWAY from scary things. But I’m sneaky, so I think I would’ve lost the scary things at about mile 2.
Thank you! 🙂 I think I’m going to blame your absence for my identity crisis. (And welcome back!!) I mean seriously. Who runs when ice cream ISN’T involved?
Oh no, not one of THOSE people!! 😉
Congrats, that’s awesome and you look great!
Lilykins, if you happen to see my car while you’re out and about, feel free to honk and give me the finger. No really. I have it coming.
(Actually, I just saw these car magnets that said “0.0” and I was SO tempted to get one of those instead!)
Thank you! 🙂
Oh GOD missing a mile marker is awful. And it’s always far enough in that you can’t trust yourself to know if you really missed it.
Congratulations, and I think you’ll discover that roller-massaging knots out of your calves and interval drills on hills are every bit as fun as vodka and cannoli’s!*
*Note: you will probably not discover this.
Missing that mile marker was the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Once I saw that 11, I knew everything was going to be okay.
…Everything is going to be okay, isn’t it? Isn’t it?!?
P.S. – I love a good cannoli almost as much as I love any vodka. Is it a NY/NJ thing?
Nice job! Woot–woot!
I’ll take this moment to tarnish my well-intended compliment and caption the beach ball photo with “you should always smile when you rub your balls in public.” 🙂
HA! Thank you and congrats for being the only one brave enough to provide a [hilarious] caption! Your prize is an evening with one of my oldest friends, Pride. (Shame is busy drinking in front of her lap top.)
Hahaha. I think I met her once or twice!
Well, aren’t you just amazeballs! What an inspiring accomplishment, Jules! I’ll be honest, I slugged through my sixth 5K of the year yesterday and seeing how much you rocked the half marathon gives me hope that I can tackle the next one (and the 10K before I turn 30) with a renewed fervor. Plus, visualizing the booze at the end of the race is a tactic I WILL be trying come July 4th! Congrats again!!!!!
Sixth 5K of the year! Dang! That’s impressive! I actually think it’s MUCH harder to do short and fast runs than long and slow ones! At this rate, you’ve got that 10K in the bag!
Do you have a race on July 4th? My sister does this “Thanksgiving hangover run,” and I don’t know how she does it!
Thank you so much! And congrats to YOU! 🙂
Yep, my New Year’s Resolution was to do a 5K every month. Halfway there! I’m looking forward to a Turkey Trot come November. Hopefully BEFORE the meal.
I have a very busy July 4th… 5K in the morning followed by a performance of Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers show at the Hollywood Bowl. Then I have a wedding to attend the next day. Oh, and did I mention I’ll be getting back from Costa Rica on the 1st? I may need to stock pile this GU you speak of. Are there any bacon-flavored ones? 😉
Whaaaaa… I’m carb-loading starting right now, just on your behalf. And the GU peeps need a bigger suggestion box. I’m still waiting to hear back about my cheesecake-flavored idea.
You rule!!
GU Whiz! I feel like I was running right along side you! You’ve got GUmption, Jules! GUd for you!
Seriously. I admire your hard work. GU, Jules, GU! (That one didn’t even make sense but I can’t stop.)
hahahaha Oh Rachey-GU. I heart GU, I mean, you.
Is there a prize to the person with the best caption for the self caption photo? I would think it would go to think person able to be funny without mentioning big balls.
There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there? 😉
“Jules continues her prerace ritual of finding something large and round to rub for good luck”
Holy crap! You’re my hero! I’m on week 5 of couch to 5k and barely survived week 4 lol. If i didn’t have a treadmill to cling desperately to I’d be done. I’ve just signed up for my first 5k in October. Also, when you turn sideways you almost disappear! Your hard work has paid off so well 😀
Oooh congrats to YOU! That is totally awesome! High five! The ONLY way I get through the long runs is by going as slow as I damned well feel like it. Some of the best ‘race’ advice I’ve gotten is to take it nice and slow, especially when you start (er, don’t read that out of context… or maybe do?).
WOW JULES! You are living up to your tagline!!!
I’ve only run a 10K. Today, I’d be lucky to finish a 5K and it would just about kill me after two vacations (Cali and New Orleans), in three weeks. Great to see you! You look fantastic, by the way… 🙂
YAY congrats!! I just ran my first half last month it was super funsies. And totally so addicting. But I have yet to try Gu…AH!
I have now run two half marathons (one in Disney World and the other in Long Branch, NJ) and by far the worst mile is always 7. The first half of it I am like “OMG YES HALFWAY” the second half of mile 7 I am like “OMG I HAVE ONLY GONE HALFWAY!” Just those who survive past that point should get a medal!
Duuuuuuuuude Congrats! I know you’re celebrating with bacon and some GU right? Great combo. And how awesome that you’ve become a bumper sticker person…dude when you run 13.1 miles I think you definitely promote yourself to the bumper sticker crowd.
I recently did a 5km event. It was awesome. Training for 10 now!! I am addicted tooooooooooooaaaaaaah 😀
I didn’t even know what a GU was before this post. Congrats on all your hard work, Jules. You are an inspiration!
Hi Jules! I don’t even know how I ended up on this blog, but am so happy I fell into your lap of hilariousness! You, my friend, are my new favorite blog friend! Looks like I have a lot of reading and catching up to do though. I love the running humor – I signed up for a full marathon a few years ago without having run ONE mile. It was a disaster and success all rolled into one. I wrote about vagina wedgies (veggie tales), dislocating shoulders trying to get into sports bras and the horrible GU. I wasn’t looking for the bacon GU, but rather the Big Mac GU. Let me know if you find that. Can’t wait to catch up on older posts. By any chance you going to BlogHer? Leigh over at http://www.leighbones.com
Jules! LOOK AT YOU! I’m so inspired by how you’ve transformed your habits this year. Seriously! You might need to have a whole section here just about THAT.
I enjoyed reading Go Jules….very interesting and vibrant
hahaha loved this!! Well written… and very good job on the run! Now, let’s talk deep fried twinkles..
http://www.lisalisted.com
Jules! You look so happy and beautiful and STRONG! (And maybe happiest after the twinkies.) congrats on finishing! And yeah, those gel packs are weird…I use them a lot when I bike but I definitely refused to go anywhere near them for a long time because really…goo?
I really enjoyed your blog. Very funny! Please check out my blog at BeGoodorBGoodAtIt.com as well. Thanks much and keep at it!
Congrats, girl! I can’t bring myself to do more than a 5k. And that was preScout. Now I run with Ozzy Pups about 5 blocks. Next week I’m planning to do 6.
Congratulations on the run! I just found your awesome blog today, and am very much enjoying your cheerfulness and humor! I’ve added it to a list of inspiring blogs that I keep on my own site. My self-improvement resolution for this year is to discover and comment on a positive blog every day. 🙂
As for bacon — if you ever visit Ohio, you’d probably enjoy the Cincinnati Marathon, also known as the Flying Pig! The mascot is a hog with wings, and pork-themed items are everywhere. I’ve done the half-marathon a few times, and plan to run the full distance next year.
Hey, I really like your blog. I too like to write about the silliness of life (last post was about my shameful relationship with Late 90’s R&B music. I just started a blog and am trying to get some followers. I write funny stuff sometimes (I think) sometimes things get a little depression, but such is life…anyway, if you’re interested http://www.ignobilesinferus.wordpress.com
Congratulations! That’s such an awesome accomplishment and you should be proud.
Congratulations on your half marathon – yay you! The Hamptons race sounds awesome, um, because it’s in the Hamptons : ) I considered training for the half marathon for about four minutes. Good luck with your training!
Lord, you need to get to London.We have GU.. but not like that. GU is a fantastic brand of sumptious ready made puds…. in fact they probably produce the chub you are hopiing wont rub!!
Jules,
You know you can get helmets with booze and straws, right? I would drag tinkerbell because running is hard and she doesn’t way much. Bravo. I apologize for being gone even longer than you. Way to be gu-tastic. Also, I love the knew kit you have. I work in a running store and it warms my heart to know you are helping support the industry that helps me put doughnuts in my mouth… actually, I meant gas in my car.
-Soul Walker
I totally fell off the face of blogosphere, and am trying to claw my way back, and I remembered that this one time, we shared a moment via comment. I just wanted to show up again and say that I love your blog and as someone who trained for three and a half weeks for a half marathon before quitting and eating tons of shortbread cookies instead, I am SO impressed with you. Half marathons are no joke.
I hope everything is fabulous!
This really makes me so incredibly happy. You look fantastic, too. I am still slugging away at 3 miles on the treadmill. The progress I was making stopped when the weather changed to summer. I’m still going though!
good on ya, girl!, the more you run the more bacon you can eat !!
The only time I run is when there is free pizza at the bar three doors down from my apartment, so you go girl!
Go you! That’s fantastic! ps, I hate running. It is the evil scourge that has taken over far too many of my fellow compatriots. Clearly not you, running is great for you 🙂
This is awesome. I love your humor!!