To: Worldwide Staff
Date: Thursday, October 6, 2016
Subject: “EET” This: The Latest Lip Service from Your Employee Engagement Team!
Dear Colleagues,
Do you like to think outside the box? Hate reinventing the wheel, but love moving the needle? Together, let’s unpack some of the issues that keep us from leaning into our BEST SELVES.
Today, we’re hitting the ground running with a new web platform where you can network, collaborate, innovate, ENGAGE, catalyze, inspire, and LIVE OUR SHARED MISSION.
Now is the time to remember that there’s no “i” in “team”…but there is one in “iPad” – and you could win one just by SOCIALIZING your IDEAS into ACTION!
Sound like a plan?
Come take the 30,000-foot view while simultaneously digging a little deeper into what makes our company so great – YOU.
LINK TO OUR VALUABLE NEW WEB PLATFORM
With High Regard for Your Uniqueness,
Employee Engagement Team
P.S. – Getting too many emails? Hit “reply all” and let us know!
~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
I don’t know. I always like to think inside the box. What’s wrong with that? Also, I must tell you that is the single best video clip I’ve ever seen.
Dear Ms. Maniac,
Thank you so much for clicking inside the box and watching the video inside the box! We’re extremely appreciative of your perspective. And don’t forget – we’ve put your name in the box for this month’s iPad giveaway drawing! Check back 7x daily for updates!!
Enthusiastically Yours,
Employee Engagement Team
Hey! How’d you get that video of me?
Dear Elyse,
Our deepest apologies. We make every effort to ensure all of our media is properly vetted and licensed through our “EET This Not That” team. We will send you a series of separate emails to ensure this matter is addressed with utmost care for your emotional well-being. Please accept this $10 Starbucks gift card as a token of our appreciation.
With gratitude for your candor and generosity,
Employee Engagement Team
For $20 you can keep using me.
Engagement with work is too much work. Can I just elope to a conference in Vegas?
Dear List of X,
Thank you for your prompt and enthusiastic feedback! If you could please submit all future ideas via the platform, we will make sure what happens in this email doesn’t stay in this email! And that your name is entered in the next drawing!
Having trouble posting your unstoppable ideas? Please refer to our instructional video below.
Fondly,
Your Employee Engagement Team
That dog needs a paradigm shift. Maybe we should do a quick pulse survey and explore some best practices. Run that up the flag pole.
Dear Jenn,
Wow! We just love your enthusiasm! We’ve done our best to do our due diligence in serving our treasured customers (that’s YOU!) with the best possible platform, but know INNOVATION is a KEY DRIVER to our CONTINUED SUCCESS. To that end, we welcome your thoughts on surveys and best practices!
With admiration for your invaluable contributions,
Employee Engagement Team
I’m so totally with the program, this is all so tickety boo. When can I do my presentation? When I say “I” and “my” I’ve obviously collaborated with the whole team in putting the presentation together, everyone has an equal voice in there, and going forward we’re all SO excited about the future direction we’re all heading in, together, as one.
Dear Ms. Chapman,
We’re delighted that you’ve embraced the TEAM SPIRIT of our streamlined new web platform that aims to provide a voice for each and every one of us. We couldn’t have made it this far without CONTINUOUS FEEDBACK from colleagues like yourself and are so excited to see what’s on the horizon.
Yours in the stars (as we reach for the moon!!!),
Employee Engagement Team
Dear EET,
Tremendously excited to be part of this paradigm shift in our quality matrices, but fuzzy on the details. Can I still push the envelope while outside the box, or would that be considered an unsafe business practice?
Yours Truly,
Engaged Employee Team-member
Super Hyper Invested in Teamwork
ps Passing on to my daughter Liz as you may have noticed that she actually talks like this.
Hi EET,
This really came out of left-field and I know that everyone keeps forgetting that I actually still work here, but I’ll see what I can do to work this into my schedule. I’m all for being engaged and socializing with the “team” (Karen is SUCH a pill…. seriously), but next time can the baked goods be gluten free? It’d be nice to partake with the group instead of just get pity-looks.
Keep me in the email chain, because you know… I DO still work here.
Chief Paper Wrangler
The Amusing Muse
I rushed by to congratulate you on your engagement and then realised that I had misunderstood. oops.