Misfortune Cookies

I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…

Avoid compulsively making things worse.

I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.

The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:

You are the controller of your destiny.

…Does this mean Second Husbands are a go?

But then this fortune happened:

Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.

Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.

I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:

You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.

All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?

Someone help me. Please.

So. Who’s out to get you?

775 responses to “Misfortune Cookies

  1. I love to read the fortunes but I give the cookie away. My friends look at me like they are getting away with something but I smile because I’m the one getting away from the white carbs and sugar. I wonder if I should invent the fortune apple?

    • Ha! The fortune apple. I like it. You know, when I got engaged, the ring was inside an orange (long story*). So I can assure you fortunes inside fruit works. ;)

      *I will totally plug my own blog and tell you what post tells the story, if you want. LOL

  2. This is exactly what happens to my husband all of the time. And, most recently to me and the lack of blog comments. Thanks for the lol.

    • Thank YOU! And so sorry for the delayed response! :) I would LOVE to hear about some of your fortunes – I’m actually dying to go back to this restaurant now, LOL

  3. Hahaha hilarious! My favorite is the telemarketer one!

  4. I especially like how you included the facial expression as you show the reader what the fortune reads…funny!

  5. Haha! love the way you put that together. the last fortune cookie would have freaked me out too hahaha.

  6. I remembered the other food stuff that gives the gift of written messages… Baci !!! Italian chocolates. They are quite simply the best chocs in the cosmos… and each comes with a wafer-thin piece of paper inscribed with a little message about love !!! Awwwww. What more could a girl want ?

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  9. I’m surprised there wasn’t a fat joke tucked somewhere in there. Fortune cookies are bastards when it comes to being irresistibly delicious and then poking fun at your weight and making you regret eating them (and perhaps the entire meal and the one from two weeks ago too).

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    • Ha! I know if I wrote fortune cookies, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. My goal would be to lead someone straight to the therapist’s chair.

      “It’s true. They always loved your sister more.”

      “Is that really how you eat sesame noodles when you’re alone?”

      “Yikes. That looks malignant.”

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