Food, Lists, Uncategorized

My Ultimate Dieting Secrets REVEALED

Diets aren’t a guilty pleasure, but cheating on them certainly is. I’ve been cheating on my diet for 723 days now, and I’d like to let you in on my secrets. You’re welcome in advance.

Pop Tarts

They put two in every sleeve, meaning it is OBVIOUSLY appropriate to eat both. Try it.

Go Big or Go Bacon.

Preferably, both.

= 1 serving.

You probably already knew this one. I should have given you more credit. I’m sorry.

Elastic-waisted pants.

But don’t worry. You’re not gaining weight, they just shrunk in the wash.

Booze

Drink early, drink often. Remember, it’s 7am somewhere.

Mantras

It’s important to have a mantra. Charlie Sheen likes to think he’s bi-winning. I prefer “Rice Cakes are Evil.” Look at this woman. I’ve named her Carolyn. Carolyn doesn’t really want to eat that rice cake. The devil is making her do it. Fight the good fight, Carolyn!

I’ll give you a minute to grab a pen, because I’m about to share THE most important secret when it comes to [cheating on] your diet:

Will Power

When you find you’re craving fruit, water, or god forbid, tennis, take a moment, sit down and think, “Is this REALLY what I need right now?”