My Ultimate Dieting Secrets REVEALED

Diets aren’t a guilty pleasure, but cheating on them certainly is. I’ve been cheating on my diet for 723 days now, and I’d like to let you in on my secrets. You’re welcome in advance.

Pop Tarts

They put two in every sleeve, meaning it is OBVIOUSLY appropriate to eat both. Try it.

Go Big or Go Bacon.

Preferably, both.

= 1 serving.

You probably already knew this one. I should have given you more credit. I’m sorry.

Elastic-waisted pants.

But don’t worry. You’re not gaining weight, they just shrunk in the wash.

Booze

Drink early, drink often. Remember, it’s 7am somewhere.

Mantras

It’s important to have a mantra. Charlie Sheen likes to think he’s bi-winning. I prefer “Rice Cakes are Evil.” Look at this woman. I’ve named her Carolyn. Carolyn doesn’t really want to eat that rice cake. The devil is making her do it. Fight the good fight, Carolyn!

I’ll give you a minute to grab a pen, because I’m about to share THE most important secret when it comes to [cheating on] your diet:

Will Power

When you find you’re craving fruit, water, or god forbid, tennis, take a moment, sit down and think, “Is this REALLY what I need right now?”

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4 responses to “My Ultimate Dieting Secrets REVEALED

  1. Yeah, you simply can’t get enough bacon and evidently Lady Gaga believes booze to be integral to any weight loss plan so it must be true.

    With all the muscle gained from lifting the bacon sandwiches, you will definitely need elastic pants and loose shirts.

    I am not sure the devil made her eat the rice cake, but she either has brain damage from being dropped on her head as a child or the onset of dementia. Only explanations for eating a rice cake.

    Have a great weekend. 😀

    The Grumpy Man

  2. Ah, sister…you make me laugh. I was literally wiping away the tears, from uncontrollable laughter. I have to say I would switch the pop tarts for krimpets (you have to eat all 3), or perhaps twin packed cupcakes.

  3. Pingback: Playing with Your Food. « Stuff You're Too Old For.

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