Oh No. I Have Crazy Eyes.

He wants to eat your babies.

My first “real” job was at a small, independent bookstore in northern New Jersey, and one Saturday during a book signing, the author said to [17-year-old] me,

“You have really huge pupils.”

It came as a surprise to me then, but…

He was right.

I look(ed) like a stuffed animal.

I thought my contact lenses might bring out the deep, mysterious, ocean gray-blue hue, but the contacts were no match for my super-shy irises.

Many years later, it dawned on me that he took my abnormally large pupils and lunch of Ben and Jerry’s to mean I was high on The Weed. Little did he know, when I was 17, I thought being high meant standing on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, trying to relive the final moments of Sleepless in Seattle.

When I got Lasik eye surgery at 24, I had to undergo some tests first.

“You have especially large pupils,” the doctor stated matter-of-factly.

“I get that a lot,” I grumbled in reply.

After the surgery, I started having more trouble with night driving. The eye doctor suggested I use drops that would make my pupils smaller, thus reducing the amount of light getting in. I ignored him in favor of staying home at night, planted on the couch watching The Office.

Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. I mean from a vanity perspective. Physically, I’m fine.

But then I started this blog.

Oh, yeah, sure. Like I need to tell you I’m the one on the right.

“Crazy Eyes” is a nickname my husband and I have given to certain individuals over the years. And by certain individuals I mean people you wouldn’t trust with your dry cleaning. “Crazy Eyes” are the WORST. “Crazy Eyes” shout things about what you and female genitalia have in common. “Crazy Eyes” wax poetic about their dog French kissing them. “Crazy Eyes” make you wish you were never born.

And now look at me.

I can see your soul.

Do you know anyone with “Crazy Eyes”? What makes you them crazy? (Bonus points if you can tell me what any of this has to do with guilty pleasures.)

Photo credit (Rick Scott): http://eyeonmiami.blogspot.com

40 thoughts on “Oh No. I Have Crazy Eyes.”

  1. I think you have beautiful eyes. But, I also think this might be a challenge since I said a week ago I was going to be posting about my upcoming eye surgery. So…challenge (sorta) accepted. Hopefully tonight I will be blogging about my ‘lazy’ eye, dilated pupils and supercool eye patch. Arggg…matey.

    1. Thanks, Sandy!! That is a happy coincidence that I might have inadvertently ‘wordpressured’ you into putting up that post today, heh heh 🙂

      If anyone can rock an eye patch it’s you (and Second Husband on recent episodes of Glee, as it turns out, LOL)!

  2. “I can see your soul” killed me. Ha!

    Uh, yeah your eyes are just fine, very pretty in fact.

    Now I’d like to tell you about someone with real crazy eyes: me. They are blue, very pale blue, almost gray. I once had an optometrist tell me I had the least amount of ‘cones’ he had ever seen in his 30 years of practice–which means I practically spontaneously combust in even the weakest sunlight. I am always tearing up. People think I’m crying and I’ll say, “Oh, no, I have blue eyes, it’s okay.” Plus you know about the lazy-crossed-eye thing I have going on since birth. yeah, I think I’ve got your crazy eyes beat.

    1. Thanks, Darla! And right back at’cha. It is annoying having your eyes tear with brightness, isn’t it? I get a taste of that when it snows (it can be blinding!), and I can’t have a good laugh without tears STREAMING down my face!

  3. You do not have crazy eyes, and you always make me laugh. I know someone with crazy eyes. She can never look in one direction for more than a few seconds, and I get nervous when I am around her. That is true crazy eyes – when something tells you to hide your babies just in case.

    The Guilty Pleasure? Well, Rick Scott SHOULD feel guilty about eating those babies, but he probably doesn’t.

    1. I read this comment during the day on my phone and I was DYING. I kept going back to read it again and getting the giggles.

      “…when something tells you to hide your babies just in case.” hahahaha!!!

      And bonus points for explaining how this ties into guilty pleasures!

  4. Crazy, yeah…like a FOX! (this is a double-edged compliment that refers to the fact that you’re really pretty and really clever. You can thank me later.)

    1. I WILL thank you. That was such a jam-packed compliment I think I’m going to print it and hang it on the fridge. Or carry it around with me and show everyone at work. Or both.

  5. Oh, Jules, you have pretty eyes! I’m just worried that you might give me the “evil eye” since I owe you a slap bracelet picture, or two! I’m finally catching up on everyone’s blogs since my long absence! How have you been? I drove through NJ on the way to NYC around Christmas time and I thought of you. The hubs and I saw Hugh Jackman on Broadway while there and I thought of you again (because I was fulfilling a huge guilty pleasure dream in seeing Hugh and because I walked past the theatre where Daniel Radcliff was doing How to Succeed In Business…!) Hope you’re well!

    1. Sprinklesssss!!!!! You’re BACK!!!!!! Yessssss. Oh happy happy day!!!!

      Next time you’re in the area, I’d LOVE to see you! That is soooo exciting about Broadway/Hugh!

      I hope you’re doing well, too 🙂

      1. :)Just wondering; do you like Oreos and gummy worms on your pizza? I’m back! I’m not sure I’ve been rebitten by the writing bug, but I sure have missed all of my blogging buddies!
        I’m not even sure where your town is located in NJ, but I thought about you throughtout the whole state! That would be fun to meet up the next time I’m going through your state.
        I can’t begin to tell you how amazing my brother/husband Hugh was. I was sitting close enough to peer into his honey-brown eyes and see the sweat on his perfectly formed brow. You’re just not the same after you’ve seen him!

  6. I have eyes so dark you cannot see the pupils…at all. I could be high as a kite every day and no one would know except, of course, for the constant munchies. Oh, wait….well, never mind, no one would ever know.

    Your eyes are lovely…eyes are for all kinds of guilty pleasures, such as watching my new love, Timothy Olyphant, in Justified on the DVR tonight…

    1. We should hang out together at family events, near the bowl of Doritos, and make everyone uncomfortable.

      MAJOR bonus points for tying this to guilty pleasures in such a perfect way!! 🙂

  7. But what I want to know is……was that picture taken while you were incarcerated? Was it for felony soul stealing? Prison orange hardly ever looks good on anyone, but on you it is very becoming.

    1. Funny you should ask – I was close to the clinker for ego smuggling a while back. Let’s just say getting the Jersey Shore cast to and from Italy was harder than you’d think.

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