Chipmunks, your Monday is about to get a WHOLE lot brighter. I made another Glee-related presentation for you me! Wait ’til you see the lengths to which I’m willing to go just to prove a point. This is epic. I actually had to change clothes during the making of this video.
And it wasn’t even my idea this time! My B.F.F., Byronic Man, approached me a few weeks ago with an enticing proposition (…that’s what she said) – to do a point/counterpoint post.On the same day, we’d both blog about why we love (in my case) or hate (in his case) FOX’s Glee.
Chatterbox Chipmunks, I’ve been lied to. There’s no way I’m turning 30 in April. I can’t remember much from those early years, so for all I know, life began in 1986 and not 1982 like my birth certificate would lead you to believe.
That’s right. I’m not a day over 25.
My taste in accessories (slap bracelets) and hair styles (side ponies) suggests not a nostalgic fondness for the styles of my youth, but rather a hipster-esque desire to embrace ‘vintage’ trends.
Christie is as sweet as a teeny, tiny baby chipmunk and attends a crazy-good school to study architecture. We met up this past Thursday in lower Manhattan to see my fellow 25(ish)-year-old, Charlene Kaye, perform at the Rockwood Music Hall.
I wore a $4 white thermal shirt from Old Navy. You know, ’cause us young kids just don’t give a shiz*. The guy who carded me even said I was “a baby.” Now, I won’t be greedy. I’ll settle for 25.
That was the highlight of the night.
Charlene Kaye was brilliant, and managed to fill the venue, despite playing a 7pm set on a Thursday night. She performed for a mere 45 minutes, which is my only complaint. Charlene’s voice is pure and unique – both haunting and comforting. She can incorporate hip-hop beats into her music just as easily as power ballad piano riffs.
We said hello to Charlene after her set (there were high-fives exchanged…they have become cool and hip, so naturally I was included), and she asked if she’d see us again. Sure, Charlene, we’ll be at your CD release party in March – if I’ve finished my term paper I’m not too tired after work to make the commute.
Here’s a taste of my favorite song of Charlene’s, the title track of her soon-to-debut album, Animal Love:
*Until said young kid arrives home and realizes her tanning lotion has rubbed off on the sleeves.
What age do you want to relive so badly it makes you cry into your orange-stained sleeves?
I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you Chipmunks about my two new [guilty pleasure] life coaches, Zest and Zeal. UNTIL NOW! Boo-ya:
They were a Christmas gift from Babs (Mommasita Extraordinaire), and they’re teaching me how to live in the moment and embrace each glass of champagne breath.
Before I go much further, though, I’d like to share with you a scene from this past Christmas Eve, where my father, a Princeton graduate, Doctor of Education and well-respected man about town Dancing with the Stars-watcher, suddenly shouted down the hall to me:
“WHY DO YOU LIKE CHIPMUNKS SO MUCH?”
I could tell immediately that my brother had asked him the question, though that was as much as I could glean.
“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” I shouted back immediately. Duh.
“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” my father repeated verbatim to my brother, who was not within my line of sight.
…I love my family.
Anyhoo. Zest and Zeal have been busy these past few weeks. Their first order of business, naturally, was to size up this ‘Second Husband‘ they kept hearing so much about:
Their next order of business was to inspect my chocolate stash:
Then Zest and Zeal decided to take me shopping. I thought they were going to show me the Self Help section of Barnes and Noble, but they had other ideas…
Holding the massive utensils, the doubt settled in; I began to question their credibility. Not long after the Flatware Fiasco, I got home late one night and stumbled upon this scene:
I gave them a lecture about how I can’t afford a new ceiling fan, but just last night, I returned home to find…
I also suspect they’re stealing slap bracelets. And here I thought you could always count on chipmunks.
Ohhhh myyyyyy goodnesssss. That’s how I feel right now, Chipper Chipmunks. Like Kristen Wiig in one of those surprise party skits on Saturday Night Live.
I can’t even stand it.
For anyone stumbling across this blog for the first time, what you’re about to see are some pictures of my adoring fans beloved readers wearing GoGuiltyPleasure slap bracelets. I’m posting the pictures in installments (here’s the first round), based on when they were received.
These photos are going to blow your mind. There’s a bulldog, CHIPMUNKS, an adorable child AND…a big reveal!!! Holy stromboli. I hope you’re sitting down.
#1 – Meet Mickey!
You hear me talk about my bestie, Jenn, now and then, but you’ve never heard about Jenn’s brother’s dog, Mickey, which is a real shame. Mickey knows all about how to embrace the guilty pleasure-ful life. For starters, he dines on gourmet meals and usually gets the best seat in the house. (Sounds like another dog I know…) You’re my hero, Mickey!
I know I just said my best friend’s name is Jenn, but The Byronic Man and I are totally B.F.F.s too. It might be that we get along so well because I know where he lives and he has to be nice to me, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just so g.d. hilarious. If you haven’t read his recent post written from the perspective of Gary the bee, stop right now and as soon as you’re done reading MY blog, click here.
Now, if you have been following The Byronic Man’s blog, you know his gravatar (profile image) and blog header photos are mysterious, showing only half of his face. Well, Byronic Man has GIVEN ME PERMISSION to post his ENTIRE, CRACKERJACK KISSER in one slap bracelet photo, and it is QUITE scandalous.
Speaking of chipmunks…I’m so excited to share Darla’s ADORABLY AWESOME photos (and captions!)!
I searched high and low for the slap bracelets and was startled to come upon this scene:
Apparently, even those crazy spastic helium-sucking Chipmunks can rock Julie’s fab bracelets:
Looks like wholesome Chipmunk fun...aside from the fact that poor Theodore has been blindfolded and Britney has apparently broken her neck...I managed to steal the bracelets away long enough to put them to good use…
THANK YOU Jenn (and Jen and Mickey!), Byronic Man and Darla! You can now let your loved ones know you have achieved the coveted Cherub Chipmunk status.
Stay tuned for the next installment!
If you’d like one of these (FREE!) psychedelic wonders, your wish is my command! Email me at JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com!
I’ll be honest. I sensed in my heart of hearts that chipmunks young and old, or in that strange in-between age where you know you should stop making PowerPoint presentations about a certain “Glee” cast member but you just can’t seem to help yourself, and you genuinely wonder if maybe you never really embraced your childhood and you’re a victim of this unstoppable regression and pretty soon you’re going to start sucking your thumb and eating cake while smearing icing all over your face because you think it’ll get a laugh…wait….what was I saying? Oh, right: I knew bringing back slap bracelets was a shoo-in.
So I wasn’t surprised to hear from many of you once I announced my slap bracelet giveaway. After shipping out several dozen, I waited patiently for you to hold up your end of the deal – to send me a picture of you/your loved ones/pets wearing the slap bracelet(s) so I could post it on this very blog.
I was not disappointed. The pictures I’ve gotten so far are…well, you’ll see. I’m going to share the photos in installments, to ensure that you, and your blogs (where applicable), receive the adoration they deserve. To be fair, I’m posting them in the order in which they were received.
After you see this picture, I don’t think I’ll have to say much else to convince you Renee is a true guinea pig chipmunk, but you should also know that Renee is co-author of “Saving the Best for Last” and “Invisible No More,” which you can learn more about here. Not only is she an accomplished writer, but she is funny as all get-out, and much like slap bracelets, her humor transcends age.
I first spotted Peg commenting on The Good Greatsby‘s blog; she was always coming up with captions for his caption contest that were better than mine, as evidenced by her constant ‘winner’ and ‘runner-up’ status. It took me a little while to shove my ego aside and drink the Peg-o-Leg Kool-Aid. After witnessing a lively, and hilarious, competition between Darla and Peg over said caption contest, I poured myself a nice, tall glass. Peg’s blog always makes me laugh out loud. She really understands the power of illustrating a joke, which you need to see for yourself.
Here’s the message that Peg sent along with these fab pictures. Bottoms up!:
The slap bracelets arrived, and were a GODsend over the New Year’s holiday. Here are just some of the things that happened because of them.
1) My normally feeble morning coffee was definitely more robust and richer tasting when I was wearing the bracelet.
2) Its secret powers inbued me with the strength of will needed to tackle the dreaded post-Christmas task of tree put-awaying.
3) When my GPS went out on the highway, the magnetized core of the slap bracelet drew my hand to true north, thereby allowing me to make it to my destination safely.
4) No less than 3 college-age hipsters fought for the privilege of wearing the uber-cool slap bracelets of style.
5) As for my cat, Beeby, well…I won’t lie. She didn’t like them. Her response was something like “get this torture device off me, you sadist!”
So except for Beeby, it was all good. Thank you for saving New Years for the entire Peg-o-leg family!
I am new to Thoughtsy’s blog, but I can tell you right now I am falling in love. For one thing, she currently has a picture of a kitten inside a box of Pop Tarts on her Facebook widget; for another, one of her recent posts was dedicated to dessert-flavored vodka. I am really excited to learn about what else we have in common, and to find out more about her relationship with Kiefer Sutherland.
Thank you SO much, Renee, Peg and Thoughtsy! You have officially been upgraded to Chief Chipmunk status.
And believe me when I say – you are NOT going to want to miss the next installment(s)!
I’d like to talk to you a little bit about my best friend, Byronic Man. I know we’re best friends because he shares all of his deepest, darkest secrets with me*, and when I’m hysterically laughing at his every blog post, I know he was only so funny just to make me guffaw.
My B.F.F. Byronic Man has even sent me a SCANDALOUS GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet picture that features his ENTIRE, HANDSOME mug – AND HE’S LETTING ME POST IT! You are really going to want to stay tuned for the big reveal. Here’s a sneak peek:
In all seriousness, Byronic Man is one of the funniest, most supportive bloggers I’ve ‘met’ on WordPress. I promise you he is the real-deal, and I hope this personal endorsement on my silly little blog does not detract from his genuine comedy genius.
I’m pretty sure if you don’t subscribe to his blog, your life will remain a dreary, sunless, chipmunk-free march to the grave.
Er, Happy Tuesday!
*He even told me how he really feels about his wife**.
Yesterday Babs and I headed into Manhattan to see Second Husband, Darren Criss, in his Broadway debut: “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.” To say I was looking forward to this day is like saying a Friendly’s Reese’s peanut butter cup sundae is ‘just okay.’ After weeks of preparing my Why Polygamy is the Right Choice For You presentation for Second Husband, the day had finally arrived.
I laid out my outfit. The guilty pleasure gods blessed me with an unseasonably warm, sunny Saturday, and I didn’t even need the gloves and jacket vest!
I took extra care doing my make-up, and debated waterproof vs. regular mascara. Would seeing Second Husband in the flesh reduce me to tears?
I then consulted Babs and put my hair in her favorite style.
Feeling spiffy, we headed in on the 2:42 train, with the goal of getting to the “How to Succeed” stage door by 4pm. This way, we could hopefully score an autograph from Second Husband after the 2pm matinée performance.
Once at the Al Hirschfeld theater stage door, we secured a decent spot on line, right against a barricade.
I chatted up the adorable girl next to me, Christie. She had seen the play the night before, and had come back to try to meet Darren. I told her I only had the Warblers CD for him to sign, and she gave me an extra Playbill! I was thrilled to reciprocate with the latest and greatest in cutting-edge fashion, a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet.
We waited about 45 minutes, and the crowd thickened. Babs and I met another lovely mother-daughter duo, Anne and Molly, who definitely helped the time pass pleasantly. After quickly assessing their chipmunkitude, I covered them in slap bracelets. Interest in my bracelets grew, but I was running out. I had to save one for Second Husband, after all!
Beau Bridges and the female lead, Rose Hemingway, came out to sign autographs. They both graciously acknowledged my “Thank you SO much!” with sweet smiles and eye contact, solidifying my hunch that I could win Second Husband over as easily with my overdone undeniable charm.
An hour and a half into the wait, I started to get restless, especially because I was late meeting the glorious JM Randolph (of Accidental Stepmom fame) and her husband for dinner. I kept her updated with texts: “Sooo sorry! He’s still not out yet!” She was very understanding. It was Second Husband.
After two hours, my feet were starting to feel the burn and I was ready to do this thing. The jokester security guard suddenly said, “We’re shutting it down!” I thought he was kidding, but watched in disbelief as he started removing all of the barricades. “The cops are shutting it down,” he explained. “There are too many people on the sidewalk.”
Sure, there were probably about 150 of us waiting in a line down the sidewalk, but, but, but… c’mon!! Everyone was being very patient and calm. Sigh. No Second Husband, and me with extra room in my heart.
I may not have gotten to meet Second Husband, but I DID get to meet the gorgeous and charming JM Randolph and her HILARIOUS hub. We missed having dinner with them because they had to get back to work, but we had a nice chat and will hopefully get to cash in on a rain check soon.
Babs and I, starving, and more importantly, libation-less, headed down the block to 45th and 9th Ave. to try our luck at Justin Timberlake’s restaurant, Southern Hospitality (he might not be bringing sexy back, but I guess bringing baby back ribs will do for now). The wait time was 45 minutes, but the cute host caught a glimpse of my Playbill, and after I shared the details of my autograph fail, he told us we could eat in the downstairs lounge/bar, if we didn’t mind. We didn’t! We got to eat and drink on a luxurious leather couch, the service was quick (key when you have an 8 o’clock curtain) and the food was very good. The lounge was quickly overrun with twenty-somethings, and suddenly a guy walked in and the group whooped and hollered. We realized we were in the middle of a surprise party. Er….surprise!! We got the check and skidattled.
Everywhere we went, we heard the name ‘Darren Criss.’ New York City seemed to have traded in its cool indifference for superfandom. (I fit right in.) Back at the theater, we made our way to our right orchestra aisle seats and I spotted lots of folks from Darren’s theater company, StarKid.
When Darren descended from the ceiling as a window washer in the opening scene, the crowd went berserk. His StarKid friends/college mates were ecstatic. They grinned wildly and pointed to each other – their friend! On Broadway! It was a treat to witness.
Darren’s performance was hilarious, captivating and exuberant. (I’m being as objective as I can, I swear.) His enthusiasm, combined with the audience’s energy, made the two and a half hour show fly by. (If you read my lukewarm post about seeing the very same play back in April, when Daniel Radcliffe was the star, you know that I’m not always as easily won over.) Darren made the performance seem effortless, the way only great actors can. To think he only had two weeks to rehearse! And yeah, he looked drop-dead, too!
I should mention there’s a whole ‘fight song’ about a rivalry with a school whose mascot is a chipmunk. A chipmunk! I heard Second Husband say chipmunk!!! Babs nudged me so hard I almost landed at the peep show next door.
We didn’t have the stamina to try to get an autograph after the show, since we weren’t sure Darren would come out (he did…double sigh), but we made the 11:11 train, which was a miracle in and of itself. I lose at least two pounds every time I go into the city. (To see some great pictures of Darren from January 7th that Babs DIDN’T take, click here.)
The night ended with a text from Peppermeister: “How was it? Am I still your ONLY husband?”
P.S. – Don’t you want a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet? All ya gotta do is e-mail your address to JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com. It’s easier than 1, 2, 3 polishing off a bottle of Korbel by yourself while trying to decide which Home Improvement kid owns the biggest meth lab (how did I miss the reunion last year?!)!
For those of you who’ve sent pictures of your slap bracelets, THANK YOU! I can’t wait to post them. For those of you who haven’t, hoo boy, you have got a lot to live up to! ;o)
In preparation for January 7th, when I shall have my opportunity to see Second Husband, Darren Criss, in the flesh (in his Broadway debut: “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying“), I’ve been diligently working on my Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You presentation. (As a project manager by trade*, I think I have a gift for expressing myself in animated clip art. I’m sure you’ll agree.)
Take a look!
So, what do you think? If you were a brilliant actor with the voice of an angel and a face that could turn a heart of stone to unicorn tears, would this win you over? (Be honest. This is important.)