humor

Women Who Drink Tea…And Me.

“And then at night I usually have…”

There it was again. Another toned, beautiful, successful woman detailing her daily routine. It always ended the same way.

“…a cup of tea, or hot water with lemon.”

I picture these women in their perfectly matching, unstained leisurewear (“pajamas”? Ha. As if.), long, slender legs tucked easily under their perky bums, one elbow draped over the arm of a modern yet cozy Pottery Barn sofa.

And of course the couch is white. Photo by Paige Cody on Unsplash

The 2.5 children and Golden Retriever are nestled in bed, and her tall, square-jawed husband kisses the top of her subtly highlighted head before settling in at the other end of the couch, adjusting the glasses that somehow turn him from Jude Law into even sexier Jude Law.

Who’s with me?

On a particularly rough day, Tea Lady still pours her herbal tonic, but instead of picking up the latest [insert impressively topical author here], she turns to Jude Law and says,

“Babe, want to watch a rom-com tonight?”

In my mind, these are The Women Who Drink Tea at Night.

Where are all the Women Who Drink (Too Much) Wine at Night? Are they, like me, wise enough to sign off of social media and devote their attention solely to Netflix and the contents of their freezers?

Second dinner is served.

In a year that’s felt like someone took an adult coloring book and started scribbling WAY the hell outside the lines -and not in a cute, “Oh, look how creative Johnny is!” but more, “Oh, f!&#, we’re gonna have to get this kid tested” kind of way- I’ve decided to make 2020’s pit of despair all about me.

I’m a privileged white woman. With a blog. And a YouTube channel. What did you expect? (Please ignore the lettuce. I have no idea how that got there.)

As each month passes and some new, unimaginable tragedy strikes, I sink a little deeper into the hungry jaws of helplessness. In the absence of anything certain, my anxiety fills the gaps with Worst Case prophecies. In this dark space of unknowing, my default setting takes over. Self-doubt and her cousin, self-loathing, seep through the walls of my subconscious, doing that thing they do best.

If only I drank Earl Grey at night.

My favorite dust collectors.

Tea Woman knows what to do. Tea Woman knows how to ward off demons with a good night’s sleep and breakfast smoothies. Tea Woman has all the answers.

If I lost weight. If I started meditating again. If I made another list. If whoever I am now could just become whoever sips tea, these feelings would find their way from “frightening” to “freedom.”

I pour another glass of wine and stare ahead, bleary-eyed. “Captive,” a new Netflix series about hostage victims, flickers onscreen.

I mean… I guess it could be worse.

~*~*~*~*~

What has your 2020 coping strategy looked like? More “Long Island Iced Tea” than Celestial Seasonings finest? …No? Just me?

~*~*~*~*~

15 thoughts on “Women Who Drink Tea…And Me.”

  1. Hostage of the ‘perfect life’ or Netflix and wine? 🤔 Perhaps the former seems better, but imagine the tension in the air after the square-jawed husband has to retake his 142nd photo of the tea drinking, because the lantern was a couple of inches out of place 🤷‍♂️.

  2. Ah haha, the paragraph starting with “In a year that’s felt like someone took an adult coloring book and started scribbling WAY the hell outside the lines…”

    Way to air what needs to be said: it’s ok to watch Netflix and feel stressed out right now and want to hide. (But Hostage? No. Thanks.)

    That said, a confession: we had a white couch when we lived in Portland because my lady had always wanted one. No dumb lantern though, in our defense. At least there was wine drinking happening.

    Now our couch isn’t white, but I drink mint tea at night. Drop that dusty box of ginger by and I’ll take care of it!

    1. Congratulations! You’re the future recipient of a lifetime supply* of tea!!

      *25 bags = a lifetime for yours truly

      If anyone could keep a couch white without making me hate them, it would be C. I was just telling someone yesterday about her wall of plants, which is one of my favorite sights in the world!

  3. I love this on so many levels. My coping tool (other than doing regular healing sessions) for the past 3 plus years has been binge-watching Netflix. Mostly old tv shows that have a ton of seasons, like NCIS. I mean, you can’t get too much of Mark Harmon and Michael Weatherly. And random YouTube videos. Because of the crazy ascension process I’m going through, booze doesn’t affect me like it used to. It doesn’t mellow me out, and it leaves me completely congested – so I’ve stopped drinking, not really by choice. Caffeine does nothing good, so I’m all about decaf teas these days. Decaf black tea, herbal teas. (I hate coffee).

    1. I need to get to that stage! Right now I’m in the Netflix + YouTube + booze stage and re-binging “The Good Place” and anything with a creepy thumbnail image and the words, “NO ONE SAW IT COMING.”

  4. Tea just doesn’t do it for me at any time of the day or night. I want to like it, but coffee will be on the menu every morning. As for framing cursive quotes from F. Scott Fitz-G, – putting big words in a frame on the wall has never been high on my interior design checklist.

    1. Long story short, I wound up only having a few sips of coffee on Saturday. By Sunday morning, I was like Leonardo DiCaprio in that scene from “Basketball Diaries” where he’s foaming at the mouth.

  5. I have both of those teas in my kitchen right now. Sorry…?

    Would it help if I told you I also have a giant bottle of gin in the fridge?

    And that I sometimes spill a little gin into my tea in the morning to get me though the day?

  6. I’m with you Jules! I have all kinds of crazy teas in my kitchen, in the hope I’ll drink them – but they are dust collectors! Wine bottles are not lying around long enough to attract any dust at my place!

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