Author: Go Jules Go

I heard you like to laugh. At my expense. Sounds like you're ready to take our friendship to the next level. You won't be disappointed. I swear on teeny, tiny baby chipmunks.
Animals, Uncategorized

Animals Dressed as Other Animals

Go Jules Go

About 8 years ago, I was at a local Hallmark store with no idea that my life was about to change. That’s when I saw a rack of little Boyd’s bears dressed up as other animals. I think they were supposed to be Christmas ornaments, but in reality they were everything I never knew I always wanted. Ever since then, I cannot get enough of animals dressed as other animals, be they real or fake. I think it has a lot to do with my deep-seated need to give animals voices of their own in this cruel, cold world. Imagining a bear pretending to talk like a moose? Or a cow trying to be a rabbit? O.M.G. It’s like the Halloween of the animal kingdom. Will the fun never cease?

"Ooh, look at me, I'm a moose. Ooooh. I'm so moosey, with my antlers and my Harry and David candy. Oooh."

I wanted to share a lot more of this overwhelming cuteness with you, but–

Oh deer, someone beat me to it!

http://animalsdressedasotheranimals.tumblr.com/

Here’s a sneak peek:

Booze, Uncategorized

It’s 7am somewhere.

Go Jules Go

There’s really nothing I enjoy more than drinking, and I’d like to take a little time out to debunk drinking myths and challenge the pervasive taboos.

Drinking Before 5pm

If you’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day parade or to an all-inclusive resort, you’ll see that I’m not alone in ignoring this ridiculous rule. There’s a reason mimosas and bloody marys exist. And what about people working the graveyard shift? They’re not allowed to pop open a brewsky when they get home from work at 7am? That’s not a very nice way to treat our police force and medical professionals, you know.

Drinking Alone

Who ever decided that this was the surefire sign that you’re 3 seconds away from locking yourself in the garage with the car running? If you go out to dinner alone, it’s all, “Good for you, Larry!”, but taking yourself on a wine and cheese date in front of the T.V. is out of the question? I don’t drink alone because I’m lonely, I drink alone because sometimes I’m the best company around and L.I.T.s are delicious. Cheers, dammit.

Drinking to Get Drunk

Drinking isn’t so much about the flavor of the alcohol (winos, ‘fess up)  as it is the entire experience.  No one likes a slob spilling merlot on your amazing new shoulder-padded sweaterdress, but everyone who drinks likes a buzz. If they didn’t, the virgin daquiri enterprise would be a lot more successful, and non-alcoholics would know what a Coors Cutter is. Drinking is so popular because it Feels Good!

Situational Drinking

Let’s face it, there are simply some things that one cannot bear without a little help from Jimmy or Jack. For some, it’s family events, for others, it’s work. Or baby-sitting. For me, it’s club music, overcrowded bars and “Citizen Kane.” After a few Blue Moons, the 20-deep line to the bathroom doesn’t seem quite so horrendous, and combatting film snobs about their greatest movie of all time is sporting good fun.

Lists, Uncategorized

My Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Professions

Go Jules Go

Lists in and of themselves are a guilty pleasure for me, and I can often be found tallying up tasks I’ve already completed, just so I can cross them off. Like this one.

1 down, 9 to go…

10. Keebler Elf

First order of business: deep fryer. (You thought those Fudge Stripes were good before?)

9. Debbie Downer Sound Effects Specialist

We all know one. In my case, let’s call her Phyllis. Because that’s her name. Exhibit A:

FRIDAY – MIDDAY – INT. WOMEN’S BATHROOM

ANONYMOUS COLLEAGUE: How you doin’, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS: Oh, you know. It’s just too much. I’m having a mental breakdown. How are you?

ANONYMOUS COLLEAGUE: Oh pretty good, thanks. TGIF!

PHYLLIS: They even replaced the paper towels. How are we supposed to dry our hands with these?

Sad Trombone

8. Merkin Maker

Don’t know what a merkin is? You’re better off. Don’t Google it. Do-on’t do it!

7. Robert Pattinson’s White Chest Make-up Applicator

Time is running out on this one.

6. Demotivational Speaker

“Thanks for joining me today. Have you guys all seen ‘March of the Penguins’?”


5. “Jersey Shore” Stand-in

I would go to jail for you, Snooks. Cawl me!


4. Character Actor, Harry Potter Theme Park, Walt Disney World

When you wish upon a star…that star usually gets a restraining order.


3. Bubble Wrap Packaging Popper

Click here only if you dare: http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf


2. Baby Lamb BMI Calculator

Looks like Bonnie’s at 35. It’s time.

1. “Dawson’s Creek” Background Actor

Oh wait, been there, done that.

TV Junkie, Uncategorized

Mannequins in My Closet

Go Jules Go

When I think of guilty pleasures, nothing fills me with more shame or more delight than a little TLC show called, “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Seen it? It’s okay, this is a safe zone (and the safe word is “glitz”). Go on, admit it. You love it, too.

It turns out there’s a lot to learn when it comes to little miss-guided pageants. My mom likes to tell me I was born during a Miss America pageant and that’s why I have this strange obsession. For example, do you know how they get those perfect smiles? Something called a ‘flipper,’ which is a fake set of snowy white teeth that the children snap over their gap-toothed imperfections. The parents shell out about $300 and send a mold in the mail to Never Never Land, even though their kids quickly outgrow this accessory. This says nothing of the thousands they spend on bedazzled dresses, ‘falls’ for the hair, fake nails and spray tans. All for a 2-foot tall trophy, if they’re lucky.

I was horrified when the previews first began to air, but alas, my will power was no match for the man behind TLC’s curtain. My moral compass imploded as I watched a 3-year-old, doing Madonna for her ‘talent,’ walk on stage in a gold, cone-shaped bustier. You know it’s bad when the other pageant moms gasp.

The pageant directors are a spectacle of their own, the ghosts of dreams past lurking behind the feverish glint in their eyes. They take their jobs VERY seriously, but can’t even seem to string a sentence together as they stand behind a rickety wooden podium announcing the contestants. They give you a glimpse into the corrupt world of pageantry, hinting that the judges already have a favorite or that the entry fees were misallocated and the pageant might have to be canceled. I drove all the way from Louisiana and all I got was a 5-year-old hyped up on Pixie Stix? I think not.

My absolute favorite element of all of this is the pageant fathers. Really? Really, Ava’s mom from Texas? Really, Jayla’s mom from West Virginia? Do you REALLY think he’s in it for moral support? You might want to check his closet for that missing feather boa. And don’t be surprised by what else you find in there.

Uncle Jesse

Have Mercy

Go Jules Go

When I first got my Australian Labradoodle puppy, I tried telling people it was a “labrador-poodle mix.” A mutt, basically. I wanted canine street cred. I was a dog-loving humanitarian, for crying out loud, not some Paris Hilton wannabe with a ball of fluff shoved in a Coach carrying case.

But eventually I surrendered, and I can now admit that I am one of the many Americans who owns a Designer Dog.

And I love him. To death.

His name is Uncle Jesse.

Uncle Jesse is the 11-month-old love child of my allergy-ridden husband and me, and every spare smile and giggle is given to him. He doesn’t shed a single hair, but instead showers us with licks and sassy sidelong glances. It took many months to potty train him and he still responds with snooty indifference when we set down a bowl of organic lamb and rice kibble. He prefers raw beef and expensive, top of the line yogurt. Chunky peanut butter and chicken marinated in fresh ginger seem acceptable, too.

To add to the atrocity of this ultimate guilty pleasure, I’ve found that I like putting him in t-shirts. A lot. And I’ve convinced myself that he likes it, too.

Aside from your pedestrian basics, his first trick was “Watch the hair, huh!” (An homage to his namesake.) He mastered this before he turned 10 weeks old. The downside to an intelligent dog is that you really have to make it worth their while. “This filet is a bit overdone, sir.” Having said this, he’s a complete and total wimp and the only time he’s truly happy is when his family is together. That or he’s got his head stuck out of the car window.

Uncle Jesse is the cat’s meow and if you think you can convince me otherwise, you’re barking up the wrong tree.