I’m sure I can’t be the only one this has happened to. Have you ever, belly full of MSG sesame chicken, dumplings and egg rolls, gone to open that waxy looking folded cookie, and then seen…
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
I took that as a clear sign to put the leftovers away before I had to loosen my belt and unzip my pants.
The next fortune lulled me into a false sense of security with its normal, zen-like reassurance:
Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.
Well, I guess the cookie has a point – silence is virtual (virtually unheard of) when it comes to telemarketers.
I don’t even eat the cookies (you are not a cookie, fortune cookie! For the love of Samoas, go talk to some Girl Scouts!), but at this point I had to keep going. And then it came. The fortune that’s making me lose sleep at night:
You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.
All of what?! What am I supposed to be making? Oh god. This has something to do with turning 30 later this month, doesn’t it? I’m supposed to be making something, something only people in their 30s know about. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. What’s going to happen? Will I be allowed to live long enough to try?
He may or may not be enjoying the goodie bags I provided to attendees of my...27th birthday party...at Medieval Times.
Today is my brother’s birthday. I don’t think he reads this blog, but I guess I love him anyway. (He did comment once! Back in July, to let me know he was uncomfortable learning we both want to make-out with Emma Watson.)
My brother’s IQ hovers roughly above the 1.5 billion mark, or more accurately, around the place where he posts pictures like this on his Facebook wall just to confuse me:
Right now he’s wrapping up the last semester of law school, where he’s on a free ride thanks to his disgusting ability to earn perfect scores on all standardized tests, including the LSATs. Though it sounds like we don’t have much in common, whenever I think back on my comedic influences, my brother is there.
Four years my senior, he introduced me to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and DuckTales, which morphed into an Animaniacs obsession. After that, it was repeat viewings of Spaceballs and The Princess Bride (which he could recite in its entirety, with the voices, by the way). We spent countless hours watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, Whose Line is it Anyway? and Amazing Johnathan (who later helped execute my marriage proposal – as part of his show!).
When my brother sent an email to the family saying he wanted “chimichangas and sh*t” for his birthday dinner, my chipmunk heart rejoiced. But just when I thought we were kindred spirits, he sent another email asking us to make donations in his name to WNYC, in lieu of birthday presents.
Because I’d already started gathering gifts Because this guiltless -though typical of him- gesture threw my birthday-loving world off-kilter, I decided to make the donation and then get to work.
In order to make a good balance-restoring gift basket of Guilty Pleasure Wonder for a selfless sibling, you will need:
In order to make a magical balance-restoring gift basket of Guilty Pleasure Wonder for a selfless sibling, you must add:
Shamelessness
…and…
Chocolate-Covered Bacon!!!
Yes, this is a real thing, and yes, it is worth every penny of its somewhat alarming price tag. Vosges makes Mo’s Bacon Bar, which many learned about a few years ago thanks to the all-knowing Oprah. My wise, caring husband bought me a couple of bars a while back, and my life has never been the same. There are tiny bits of crunchy, salty, melt-in-your-mouth bacony goodness ensconced in some of the creamiest, most delicious milk chocolate I’ve ever tasted. It’s euphoric. Go buy some. Now. I’ll wait. (And if Vosges would like to send me any free chocolate for this endorsement, I guess that would be okay with me.)
My brother claims he’s married to Chocolate-Covered Bacon on Facebook (though lately “it’s complicated”). Chocolate-Covered Bacon even has its own Facebook page:
It seemed only fitting that I present him with a tangible representation of his beloved this birthday season:
I do. Oh-hoh yes, I so do.
And just to be sure the guilty pleasure stars were realigned, I made a guilt-ridden family favorite for dessert (double the cream cheese frosting, thank you very much). Guess what kind of cake it is?
Happy birthday, Bryan! May you accept this post as a staggering donation to the Awesomest Sisters of The Universe Foundation.
What’s the coolest birthday present you’ve ever given/gotten?
Hubster’s Peppermeister blog was Freshly Pressed (featured on the homepage of WordPress) today! I’m doing a mediocre job pretending not to be jealous that he was Freshly Pressed so shortly after starting a blog. You can read his now-famous post here.
Have you heard? He likes peppers.
Announcement Numero Dos
I’ve been contributing to a nifty new website, iheardin.com. I thought I’d point out a couple posts in case you’re looking for some new tunes! If you like reggae and cool things, Echo Movement released their latest album this week, and the overly-talented Hugh Laurie (of “House” fame) also released an album.
This is the quote [of mine] that Hubster, the one and only Peppermeister, used for his latest blog post*. The other night he made guacamole and salsa containing twelve Serrano peppers and one lethal jalapeno. I don’t know where these jalepenos come from (oh, who am I kidding? I’m married to the Peppermeister – they’re called Biker Billy jalapenos and the plant came from Cross Country Nurseries), but let me assure you they throw the whole Scoville scale off. They’re the hottest mother loving thing I’ve ever eaten. One seedless, spineless, centimeter-long sliver has me researching ways to exact my revenge chugging milk.
The perfect accomplice.
I’m tentatively willing to let this one slide, because otherwise I’ll get stuck on dinner duty. My husband is a great cook, and takes no small amount of guilty pleasure pride in measuring his peppers, insisting I take daily tours of his organic pepper garden, and trolling pepper-related websites. He’s helped me build an impressive heat tolerance, but on Sunday night, he went too far.
If I suddenly stop blogging, please alert the Spice Authorities. I’m pretty sure they can still be reached at 1-800-DIE-WIFE.
*If it seems like I’m shamelessly promoting my spouse’s new-ish blog even though he just tried to snuff me, I’m sorry. On a totally unrelated note, I have really high hopes for my Christmas present this year.
Right now* my head is covered in ketchup. Literally. (Would anyone ever say that figuratively?)
A summer of swimming has left my blonde hair green, and even the supposed miracle swimmer’s shampoo (which I consistently use immediately after each dip) has done jack-all, despite its horrifying sticker price.
If you try to do an internet search on any variation of “HELP I HAVE GREEN F*#$ING HAIR!!!”, you’ll find a lively debate raging on about the true cause of this affliction. The top two theories are copper pipes and chlorine. Since there’s not much I can do about either of those, I began searching for alternative methods to rid the punk rocker hue in my hair (though obviously not before researching local garage bands in need of a 29-year-old project manager who plays a mean triangle).
If I could pull it off like this I might have thought twice about the ketchup. Photo credit: e90post.com
Which is what brings me here, to this slimy, vinegar-scented moment. Hearing about any or all of your hair disasters would probably make me feel a whole lot better… 🙂
*Not actually right now, of course, because I’m at work and that would just be weird. But I wrote this last night. And yeah, it’s still green. Thanks for asking. I feel great about being at work with green hair.
Psst…Are you dying to know what happens? It’s a real cliff-hanger, isn’t it? I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Click here for the follow-up post!
You know what I don’t talk about nearly enough for someone who claims to be a guilty pleasure connoisseur?
FOOD!
I love food. Food is great. I totally live to eat (and not the other way around). Last night I made an in-my-head-recipe for vegetable lasagna that was so good I feel compelled to tell everyone I’ve seen since then about it. I always use whole milk, full-fat cheeses (lots of different kinds: provolone, asiago, mozzarella, parmesan, ricotta), and this time I blended a bag of fresh spinach into the ricotta cheese blend – WOWZAH! Look:
The green on the sides is the ricotta-spinach blend...oozing out, delicious and creamy and gooey.
It also helps that I was able to use 3 kinds of fresh, organic basil from my husband’s (a.k.a. The Peppermeister) garden.
And as long as we’re on the topic of my culinary prowess, I should tell you I have quite a reputation when it comes to baking. I’m excited to share with you a few of my favorite online dessert recipes, along with some of my trade secrets. I hope you’ll try one (or all) of them out and let me know how it goes!
General Baking Tips (I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, guilty pleasure snookums)
With rare exceptions, FOLLOW THE RECIPE! People who like to cook sometimes struggle with this baking principle; the order and the measurements make all the difference in baking
I HIGHLY recommending using AirBake pans for your cookies and keep a close eye once they’re in the oven – cookies still look a little soft/raw in the middle when they’re done (that is, if you like soft, chewy cookies like me)
The AirBake pans I use look like this.
The more you try, the better you get! You have no idea how many things I’ve screwed up on the first go ’round
Don’t worry about having your butter and eggs sit out until they’re room temperature before you start making your recipe if you don’t have time (just soften your butter in the microwave and use cold eggs) – it really doesn’t matter that much, despite what you might have heard!
Barefoot Contessa would burn me alive for this, but don’t worry about using unsalted butter – just don’t add any additional salt to the recipe if using salted butter
One thing that DOES matter: real vanilla! I’ve heard real vanilla bean is best, but I’m very happy with McCormick’s pure vanilla extract (NOT imitation)
If you don’t bake often, be mindful of when your dry ingredients expire/go stale
Black Bottom Cupcakes – you and your family/friends will go into a happy food coma from one of these!
Once cooled, frost with cream cheese icing* and sprinkle with the leftover mini chocolate chips
Refrigerate at least 4 hours or overnight before serving (like anything with tomato sauce, anything with cream cheese seems to taste better after it ‘settles’)
Thumbprint Cookies – these are soft, buttery and delicious and changed my opinion on thumbprint cookies!
If rolling in nuts, toast the nuts first (I use my toaster oven and it only takes about a minute) and then chop them into nearly a powder using a mini Cuisinart (if you have one). At Christmastime, I like to roll some in nuts and some in red or green sprinkles (they’re very pretty)
Make sure you’re using a jam filling that you would want to eat on its own (and remember that some people will only eat seedless jam) – it’s the centerpiece of the cookie. One of my favorites is Dickinson’s Cascade Mountain seedless raspberry jam (I can usually find this brand at any grocery store), but the best I ever had was some random gourmet brand I found at HomeGoods (I really should have written the name down!)
You do need to grease your baking pans for these (unlike with most other cookies) – it doesn’t really matter if you use a spray or softened butter
You also do need to grease your baking sheets for these
Remember to buy quick-cooking oats, not old-fashioned (I guess the name of these cookies is pretty misleading!)
I like to buy raisins that come in a ziploc pouch; they seem fresher/softer
I’ve determined that it’s the 2 cups of brown sugar that have people react by saying screaming they’re the best oatmeal-raisin cookies they’ve ever had
*My tried and true cream cheese icing recipe
1 bar (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened
1 stick (1/2 c.) butter, softened
1 tsp. vanilla
2 c. powdered sugar
Beat butter and cream cheese together using an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Blend in vanilla, and finally sugar, about 1/2 cup at a time so you don’t turn into one of these guys:
Someone who is unbelievably perfect; ruins your image on how most people are; makes you believe that most people are unworthy because there is someone like him/her around.
I’d like to expand this definition to include more than just perfect people, but the perfect, and perfectly imperfect, things people put on tape. You know, those things you get from Web Soup-y, Tosh.0-tastic clips. Life ruiners because, well, how can we be expected to do anything productive when we have these to see? Still don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch this.
You might be thinking this is the post where I finally talk about the fact that I own Season One of “Laguna Beach” on DVD and have watched it, in its entirety, on two separate occasions. Or maybe this is the one where I put up a picture of when I dressed as Doogie Howser for Halloween. There’s a good chance, you think, that I’m about to tell you how much I love guillotines.
You’re wrong.
While all of those things are indeed shameful guilty pleasures of mine, I have one that goes FAR BEYOND any I’ve just mentioned. In fact, I can’t believe I’m going to talk about it now, but, as promised… Let me start by telling you about something that happened last weekend.
Last Saturday night, my husband and I were, true to form, hanging out watching T.V. Somehow, the topic of Jonathan Taylor Thomas came up.
“Is he younger than you?” my husband asked, trying to imply that this was another one of my creepy obsessions with the Teen Beat contingent.
“No,” I promptly replied, adding, “He was born on September 8th, 1981!” I then quickly pulled up his profile on imdb.com, confirming my credibility.
I realized it had been a long time since I had thought about Mr. Taylor Thomas, or trolled (and possibly contributed to…) fan fiction sites about said star of yesteryear. Rest assured, this is not the mystery guilty pleasure of which I speak. The confession, while absolutely J.T.T.-related, is far more disturbing.
You see, when I was 13, like most 13-year-olds, I was a tad…boy crazy. Emphasis on the crazy. Because real-life boys never paid me any mind, I had to turn my focus toward the more famous variety. Any normal Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan might have been satisfied with plastering their bedroom walls with posters (oh, I did that, too), but not me. Even meeting him at a taping of “The View” wasn’t enough.
I decided to become a vegetarian.
Why, you rightly ask? For one reason, and one reason only. You guessed it. J.T.T. wouldn’t be caught dead gnawing on a turducken or snarfing down a White Castle sack of 10.
Do you understand what I’m saying here? I gave up McDonald’s french fries for this kid, because they were made with beef flavoring. And guess how long this nonsense lasted? 5 and a half years! My entire teenage life! That’s just…just… there are no words.
Now, please, I beg of you, post a comment sharing at least one of your most shameful guilty pleasures. I’ll be here in my closet, amongst the skeletons, not enjoying a Boca burger.
Diets aren’t a guilty pleasure, but cheating on them certainly is. I’ve been cheating on my diet for 723 days now, and I’d like to let you in on my secrets. You’re welcome in advance.
Pop Tarts
They put two in every sleeve, meaning it is OBVIOUSLY appropriate to eat both. Try it.
Go Big or Go Bacon.
Preferably, both.
= 1 serving.
You probably already knew this one. I should have given you more credit. I’m sorry.
Elastic-waisted pants.
But don’t worry. You’re not gaining weight, they just shrunk in the wash.
It’s important to have a mantra. Charlie Sheen likes to think he’s bi-winning. I prefer “Rice Cakes are Evil.” Look at this woman. I’ve named her Carolyn. Carolyn doesn’t really want to eat that rice cake. The devil is making her do it. Fight the good fight, Carolyn!
I’ll give you a minute to grab a pen, because I’m about to share THE most important secret when it comes to [cheating on] your diet:
Will Power
When you find you’re craving fruit, water, or god forbid, tennis, take a moment, sit down and think, “Is this REALLY what I need right now?”
Go Jules Go 
