Kvetching, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

INCOMING!! Conversation Bombs – Part TWO!

Photo credit (before delightful annotation): http://media.spokesman.com

That’s right, my last post about things people say that catch you completely off-guard just wasn’t cutting the mustard.

And speaking of mustard, who have I to blame?

Food shows! First, it was Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel, where Zimmern suddenly dropped into his monologue that he was homeless for a year. With no explanation.

And now? The same thing happened on Extreme Chef (Food Network) last week! One of the contestants casually mentioned in his voiceover, as I watched him run inside an ice warehouse for a rabbit carcass, that he had been homeless. Once again, no explanation. My husband looked at me and waited. I was already gesturing aggressively towards the T.V.

“Again?” I cried.

“I know! You should write about it,” he replied enthusiastically. “That is weird.”

“Is it a chef thing?” we wondered. Is that why they don’t mind the 100-degree kitchen and unreasonable hours? And why they always want to be surrounded by food? Any food?

Of course, this also had me going back through life’s little gems so I could provide you with a new list of conversation bombs. Yes,  these are all things people have actually said to me. Give a girl some warning, wouldja?

“You have really huge pupils.”

“You don’t have to go home for Father’s Day. I can find you some fathers.”

“I like all kinds of houses. Except bi-levels.” (I live in a bi-level.)

“It’s a good thing you lost weight. A girl your age shouldn’t be fat.”

“We bought a pet scorpion.”

“New York City. Where is that?”

And a special guest contribution from my hubster, Peppermeister – a conversation he had at work [with a fellow teacher] some years ago:

Ms. Teacher: Do you know anyone who wants a dog?

Peppermeister: No, why? Are you getting rid of your dog?

Ms. Teacher: Yeah. My husband’s leaving me, and taking the house, and the apartment I’m living in doesn’t allow pets.

Your turn (comment below!) – Bombs Away!


Incoming!!! Conversation BOMBS!

I was half-watching an episode of “Bizarre Foods” with Andrew Zimmern earlier this week when something alarming happened. You know, it’s the show where the bald guy travels the globe eating the most disgusting looking-sounding-smelling foods known to man. Normally, it’s all light-hearted fun, and you can easily half-watch while you’re busy a) working on blogs, b) wrestling the dog for the frisbee, and/or c) drunk. On this episode, though, he suddenly had my full attention.

“I was homeless for a year,” Andrew Zimmern said, which, no matter in what context, is ALWAYS out of the blue.

My head snapped up and I stared at the T.V. Did the effeminate host in the pink button-down shirt holding a scorpion kebab just say he was HOMELESS? For a YEAR? (And is THAT why he’s willing to eat anything?)

Yeah, he did just say that.

Naturally, this got me thinking about conversation bombs. Those little one-liners people drop, mid-conversation, that bring the discussion to a screeching halt, while you, bug-eyed and cotton-mouthed, try to figure out a way to get things back on solid ground or run away without being noticed. I always thought one of my own conversation bombs was a real show-stopper:

“I didn’t go to high school. …I was home-schooled.”

But really, homeless bomb trumps home-schooled bomb any day. Don’t you think (vote below!)? Here are some of the more memorable conversation bombs I’ve ever heard, all said directly to me over the past fifteen years. Recognize any?

“I don’t really like music.”

“Well, you get married at 17 because there’s nothing else to do.”

“Do you want to buy some of my homemade jewelry?”

“Don’t say ‘yeah.’ It’s rude. Say ‘yes.'”

“I started smoking when I was 10.”

“I don’t eat white food.”

“How much did you pay for that dog?”