I was half-watching an episode of “Bizarre Foods” with Andrew Zimmern earlier this week when something alarming happened. You know, it’s the show where the bald guy travels the globe eating the most disgusting looking-sounding-smelling foods known to man. Normally, it’s all light-hearted fun, and you can easily half-watch while you’re busy a) working on blogs, b) wrestling the dog for the frisbee, and/or c) drunk. On this episode, though, he suddenly had my full attention.
“I was homeless for a year,” Andrew Zimmern said, which, no matter in what context, is ALWAYS out of the blue.
My head snapped up and I stared at the T.V. Did the effeminate host in the pink button-down shirt holding a scorpion kebab just say he was HOMELESS? For a YEAR? (And is THAT why he’s willing to eat anything?)
Yeah, he did just say that.
Naturally, this got me thinking about conversation bombs. Those little one-liners people drop, mid-conversation, that bring the discussion to a screeching halt, while you, bug-eyed and cotton-mouthed, try to figure out a way to get things back on solid ground or run away without being noticed. I always thought one of my own conversation bombs was a real show-stopper:
“I didn’t go to high school. …I was home-schooled.”
But really, homeless bomb trumps home-schooled bomb any day. Don’t you think (vote below!)? Here are some of the more memorable conversation bombs I’ve ever heard, all said directly to me over the past fifteen years. Recognize any?
“I don’t really like music.”
“Well, you get married at 17 because there’s nothing else to do.”
“Do you want to buy some of my homemade jewelry?”
“Don’t say ‘yeah.’ It’s rude. Say ‘yes.'”
“I started smoking when I was 10.”
“I don’t eat white food.”
“How much did you pay for that dog?”
Go Jules Go 
I don’t really like music.
The person who said this also hates puppies and rainbows. Also, if anything this person knows should go missing, the police should check under their porch.
I KNEW I should have looked under that guy’s porch. Thanks so much for stopping by!!
These are all hilarious. ‘I don’t eat white food.’ What did he or she mean by that? They didn’t eat food colored white or they didn’t eat food popular among white people?
White-colored food. This includes white cheese like mozzarella, so, they don’t even eat pizza! The real shocker is that we’re still friends (but they don’t read this blog, so like I mentioned earlier, it’s time to trade up).
Thanks very much for reading, by the way! Your blog is one of the best I’ve seen (and since we’re on my page, I feel I can take liberties and say your writing reminds me of my favorite author…can you guess who?)!
PS – I wouldn’t do that to you (thought about it though). It’s David Sedaris. That is the highest compliment I can give (so you should probably print this and hang it in your trophy room).
Your posts are hilarious! I look forward to reading more.
Thank you SO much, and thank you for the follow! This comment made my day 🙂